No privacy from teenager

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This is a one off but I’m venting really. Been through an awful couple of days and had a couple of cigarettes yesterday in the garden whilst the kids were at school. Showered after, washed clothes and brushed teeth.
15 year is normally pretty good but obsessed with what are you doing, where are you going, who are you talking to on the phone etc - we have spoken about it as it feels like I’m being stalked and tracked all the time, at times. It just a little bit too much - she is not insecure and happily buggered off all
day today leaving me ringing her phone multiple times to see where she was and her ignoring me. But if I pop to Tesco after 15 minutes she’s calling - how long are you going to be - where are you?

yesterday evening multiple times asked for a hug, which wouldn’t be abnormal if she didn’t smell me repeatedly.

Tonight I Put the black bin out for collection. I had carefully collected the end and tied them in a dog poo bag and put them in the bin. She goes out to do the recycling - she’s going through the bin and opens the dog poo bag and opens it and brings in the cigarette ends and says ‘you need to explain what this is’

she then tells the younger one - FFS
why do I feel so so so so
guilty and upset 😠

I’ve not said anything to her, feeling like the worse mothers in the world right now

Your the boss, tell her to ......

YABU

She’s not obsessed with you like some sort of creepy stalker, she’s your DD and she loves you.

I’m not saying it’s not annoying and it would drive me mad too but you are enabling this behaviour.

You could just admit you smoke but are trying to quit - hiding the butts in the dog poo bags is just as weird as ripping them open.
I get that you don’t want your DD to start smoking but this is just ridiculous so you either need to quit or just tell her so she’s not constantly trying to catch you out.

You can remove the tracker on your phone.

You don’t need to answer your phone when you pop to Tesco.

I think most teens are nosey, bossy and want to look out for their mum so you’ll never have complete privacy.

Me and my DD have a rule that we don’t let ourselves into each other’s bedroom or go through their stuff.
So we knock on the door before going in.

She would 100% go through my stuff when I’m not there like we all did as kids so I have a locked wardrobe - there’s nothing secret in there it’s just nice to have that privacy.

Time for a reset!

You need to be in charge here.

What are the consequences for reading your post? For undermining you with their sibling?

Presumably you pay for stuff like her phone, the internet etc. Start making her work for those things. Start being in charge. What chores does she do?

You can be I charge and still be loving and lovely, but sometimes being in charge means putting your foot down. Start putting your foot down. Get your boundaries in place. Seriously.

I agree with those saying to look for anxiety. That was definitely an issue with ours & we knew that & supported her. Boundaries still need to be reset though, even at 15 those boundaries are still her security

She really needs to know now that this sort of behaviour isn't acceptable...otherwise God help her when she gets her first boy/girlfriend...it's going to be a rare person who will be willing to put up with it.

I wouldn't have made it to 16 if I'd acted this way with my mother.

Basically sounds like a female Sheldon Cooper

I think you need to snap.

Stop answering her calls. Tell her to text you and don’t answer her controlling texts.

Basically sounds like a female Sheldon Cooper

Interesting. I hadn't actually thought of this being related, but my DD who also did this, does have ASD, though we didn't know for sure at that point & hadn't really linked it

Very unusual for a teenager, the numerous hugs etc.

Oh my god - yes yes yes. That’s exactly what she is. No anxiety here.
im a single parent but I have a good job, good health, good finances etc it’s not having any boundaries.

bathroom she will just come and talk
im In bed she walks in and questions what im reading

im 99% open about everything we are very close but recently / she’s become Sheldon cooper that’s exactly what it is

I would describe Sheldon Cooper as being an incredibly anxious person, just like your DD.

OP, my 15yr old DD is EXACTLY the same. It is incredibly draining. The effect it has had on me over the years makes me feel so sad. I am a shell of a person.

When she leaves me alone I am still on edge, because I know I might only have 2 minutes or 10 minutes, I never know how long I've got before she locates me. I rush to get changed after takjng a shower, as I know she'll come a-knocking on my door. I have no life really.

She is not anxious. She’s confident if anything

Smoke if you really want to, but don't hide it.

The smelling hugs were probably to do with the smoking tbh. Agree there’s some anxiety going there. Has something happened eg illness that she feels anxious about where you are or what you’re doing? Has she ever been in the situation where she feels she needs to look after you or sibling? Is her dad about? Do you ever do much stuff with her 1:1 because I’m wondering if the questioning/tesco calls are showing she feels left out or ignored by you. Yes she’s being intrusive but her level of anxiety is worrying.

You can be both confident and anxious about different parts of her life. Sheldon was incredibly confident about his work but incredibly anxious socially and in terms of public speaking, for example.

I have diagnosed anxiety but you wouldn't know it to meet me. All her behaviour screams anxiety to me. Of course I could be wrong, but I'm not the only poster on here to say it.

Oh and also she will ask 'what time is......' and wants a precise time. For example 'what time will tea be ready?' and then if I tell her "6pm" then she will appear at 6pm on the dot, if I'm still serving up she'll say "but you said tea is at 6". She is very very precise.

Has she always been like that or was there a change in behaviour recently? My DCs are much younger so I don't have experience with teenagers, but i am thinking whether anything happened with, say, her friends or at school that made her behave this way?

Like if a friend's significant family member passed away and while not directly impacting her, it may make her scared of losing you.

I am a very insecure and anxious person but even my own mum would disagree with that because I have learnt to mask it since a young age and behave in a confident manner. Not saying your dd is the same, just offering a point of view.

Could she be neurodiverse OP?

I have ASD and I get very anxious if I don't know exactly what is going on - for example, I get very stressed if I know my DP has recevied a message from his ex that he hasn't shown me. I know it's not my business but it makes me feel incredibly anxious.

I really think you're being too quick to dismiss the fact that there could be more going on with your daughter than it first appears. This is way, way beyond the boundaries of normal nosiness, and multiple people have told you that your daughter sounds as if she's masking anxiety.

You're adamant it's definitely not anxiety. OK - so what's going on then??? Because this is absolutely not normal behaviour. This isn't how teens behave - unless there's an underlying insecurity or anxiety.

Set the smoking thing aside - ringing you while you're in Tesco and asking how long you're going to be, and demonstrating a need to know every place you go, and what's going on in your life sounds like a child who's desperately trying to cling to control as a mechanism for easing crippling anxiety.

Being brutally honest, your complete refusal to consider there might be something that your daughter needs support with is a bit of a red flag.

I didn't include this info in my post - but same here @namechange30455. It's EXACTLY how my own anxiety manifests (autism/ADHD). I have to really battle to make sure I don't step over the boundaries with friends/partners/family/children. Not knowing what's going on makes me really really anxious - and I present as outgoing and confident.

Does she have problems with anxiety?

Is she NT? Does she suffer from mental illness?
There is something amiss with her behaviour that runs deeper than just being annoying.

She should absolutely not be going through you handbag!