No privacy from teenager

[Fgstd]

This is a one off but I’m venting really. Been through an awful couple of days and had a couple of cigarettes yesterday in the garden whilst the kids were at school. Showered after, washed clothes and brushed teeth.
15 year is normally pretty good but obsessed with what are you doing, where are you going, who are you talking to on the phone etc - we have spoken about it as it feels like I’m being stalked and tracked all the time, at times. It just a little bit too much - she is not insecure and happily buggered off all
day today leaving me ringing her phone multiple times to see where she was and her ignoring me. But if I pop to Tesco after 15 minutes she’s calling - how long are you going to be - where are you?

yesterday evening multiple times asked for a hug, which wouldn’t be abnormal if she didn’t smell me repeatedly.

Tonight I Put the black bin out for collection. I had carefully collected the end and tied them in a dog poo bag and put them in the bin. She goes out to do the recycling - she’s going through the bin and opens the dog poo bag and opens it and brings in the cigarette ends and says ‘you need to explain what this is’

she then tells the younger one - FFS
why do I feel so so so so
guilty and upset 😠

I’ve not said anything to her, feeling like the worse mothers in the world right now

It’s all very odd! That’s unusual for a 15 year old to be honest … most are far too self absorbed to be that interested in what their mums are doing!

That sounds really controlling. You don't have to explain yourself to her. Sounds like a cheeky little madam to me. Tell her straight-she's still a child, you're an adult. It's nothing to do with her if you choose to smoke. Its not about the smoking its her behaviour and you allowing her to dictate to you. I'd be well pissed off if I was you.

Do you try to pretend you don't smoke? I'm asking only because what you describe sounds like secret smoking and people can smell it on you no matter what you do. (I smoked for years after I 'quit'. Fooled nobody. 😁)

I'd sit down with her and try to get her to tell you why she's so anxious.

That's a bit strange behaviour.

You for secret smoking. Just be honest poppet.

And your daughter for treating you like a child, sounds like the boundaries have got mixed up somewhere.

She is very controlling. She has a younger sibling and continual needs to be told she is not their - I am. And no she’s not anxious really and she has no reason not to trust me.

we have had multiple conversations about her over-ruling me with her sibling. Eg I’ll say no more juice and then I turn about and she is getting them juice etc often down to seemingly undermine - that has been going on for a few years

Sorry meant told she is not their mother

I know this is manifesting in a very annoying way but it does sound like anxiety and fear around losing you or something bad happening to you. OCD can be like this. With the strong messages around the dangers of smoking and the multitude of cancer adverts I can see why a child would quite reasonably be worried about it so that could have sparked something. Or perhaps one of her friends has a relative who is unwell?

I would be having a heart to heart to try to get to the bottom of it and talk to her about maybe having some counselling

I think there is more to this than your dd simply overstepping, OP. There's something else going on. Your job is to get to the bottom of it.

Cross post. It is unusual to be controlling without some kind of anxious thought behind it. Fear drives many behaviours even if then becomes masked with layers of other thoughts.

It’s not just smoking and it’s more than that - reading through letters, phone calls etc

a Pp called it snooping and it’s just that
And constant criticism eg I came in - your neck is red, why is it red, your necklace is too tight, why are you wearing a necklace too tight and it goes on and on. Constantly questioning me but if I did it back she wouldn’t like it or let me do it to her.

The smoking could be because she is concerned for your health but the listening in on phone calls and inspecting your letters is overstepping the line.
I would be having a stern word about privacy and boundaries. If you want to smoke then you will. You are an adult and she is a child. A very nosey child.

I can see its annoying but I think you need to have a good chat and find out what is underlying this behaviour. It does sound like she is anxious about something.
And dont dismiss it by saying she's got nothing to be anxious about. I don't think that works in the teenage years!

Where has she got the idea from, that you need guidance and direction from her, in regard to both your parenting and your personal behaviour? Is there someone else, around, your partner or one of your parents or siblings who has encouraged this?

Can you delete the iPhone tracker app/stop giving her access to it? I’ve never used the app so don’t know how it works, but given your DD is 15 and sounds pretty independent, and also given that she’s coming across as overbearing, is there a way to stop her tracking you on the app?

Are you on your own by any chance? As in a single parent? Sounds like my house a bossy oldest girl

Totally second this. I wonder if your DD is going through a difficult time, and expressing it by behaving like this. Perhaps she is feeling a bit insecure, so is trying to get control where she can (of course, she is expressing that in an unhealthy and inappropriate way, by the way she’s behaving towards you). Could you have a chat with her? Reassure her and support her, but also tell her firmly that her current behaviour isn’t acceptable.

Minus the cigarettes, I totally get you. Mine was very like this at 15, was very stubborn about telling us where she was going, who with etc, which was never acceptable at that age. Then she thought she had a right to know exactly where I was & what I was doing, or who I was talking to etc. eves dropping on private conversations with old friends & telling me off for swearing when she shouldn't have even been there listening. Even standing outside the loo it drove me to distraction at times

I've no advice, but they thankfully do grow out of it. It's a phase some seem to go through.

I agree you need to nip her bossiness in the bud though & remind her that you're the adult & that you're not perfect, nobody is & you're human & feel stress too & if she really cares about you smoking then perhaps she can help you to feel less stressed & allow you some space & privacy.

I would have told her to fuck right off.

But in reality it does sound like she's anxious.

There just has to be more to this.
Are you on your own with them?
Where is the dad or other parent? Is your teen just doing what she has seen another adult do to you??

I agree she is anxious about something. I remember going through a phase like this, although not to that extent. My parents had separated and I suspected my mum was going out with new men but hiding it from me (she was). I was furious when I found a small bottle of vodka in the fridge. It was so unlike my mother! Her defensiveness for the things I found made me even more anxious and prone to snooping.

When was smoking made illegal?

So why do you think she is behaving like this, OP? I'm sure you know that it isn't entirely normal for a teenager to be so interested in the minute details of her mum's life. Why do you think she is so focused on you and on her sibling? Is she happy otherwise? Does she have friends?

I agree with PP who say she sounds incredibly anxious about you - almost like if she knows everything about you, she feels safer.

Is her dad around? Did/do they have a good relationship? Do/did you have a good relationship with her dad? All things to think about.

The hiding the smoking thing is a bit pointless to me though - she knows you smoke, so why all the behaviour to hide it?

OK, a broadly similar thing happened to me years ago. My son (then age 15) accused me of being hypocritical when he "outed" my smoking habit that I had tried very hard to hide (btw I only smoked 2 cigarettes a day!). I had to sit him down and explain that I was trying not to set a bad example to him and that was the reason for me hiding my habit. He accepted it and we moved on. Teenagers hate hypocrisy more than almost anything else.

You need to tell her firmly that this behaviour stops and it stops now. Also stop enabling her, if she calls you ignore it, if she says you need to explain her tell her no.
Or start examing her post, call her constantly,, tell her to explain things to you. See how she likes it. When she complains tell her you will stop when she does and then have a conversation with her about privacy.
I think you need firmer boundaries and discipline her if she undermines you.