No privacy from teenager

[Fgstd]

This is a one off but I’m venting really. Been through an awful couple of days and had a couple of cigarettes yesterday in the garden whilst the kids were at school. Showered after, washed clothes and brushed teeth.
15 year is normally pretty good but obsessed with what are you doing, where are you going, who are you talking to on the phone etc - we have spoken about it as it feels like I’m being stalked and tracked all the time, at times. It just a little bit too much - she is not insecure and happily buggered off all
day today leaving me ringing her phone multiple times to see where she was and her ignoring me. But if I pop to Tesco after 15 minutes she’s calling - how long are you going to be - where are you?

yesterday evening multiple times asked for a hug, which wouldn’t be abnormal if she didn’t smell me repeatedly.

Tonight I Put the black bin out for collection. I had carefully collected the end and tied them in a dog poo bag and put them in the bin. She goes out to do the recycling - she’s going through the bin and opens the dog poo bag and opens it and brings in the cigarette ends and says ‘you need to explain what this is’

she then tells the younger one - FFS
why do I feel so so so so
guilty and upset 😠

I’ve not said anything to her, feeling like the worse mothers in the world right now

She's very odd

Why is she looking through the bin

She needs to get a hobby

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

I can’t believe some posters on here are insisting they know OP’s daughter better than her 🙄
OP knows if her daughter is anxious or not.
She just sounds like a nosey brat.
Yes, teenagers can simply be one of those.

"she’s going through the bin and opens the dog poo bag and opens it and brings in the cigarette ends and says ‘you need to explain what this is’"
I would be planting all sorts of stuff in the bin just to wind the little madam up!

Seriously, her behaviour needs to change. She is the child, you are the parent, and she doesn't get to overrule you on anything. I would be withdrawing privileges every time she tried to push me around. EVERY. DAMNED. TIME. You say "My father is highly controlling we are no contact" - well so is she, and there needs to be consequences for it. For a start, I'd be grounding her for reading my mail.

It sounds like for whatever reason she feels like she needs to take on the parenting role. I think you need to be a bit more firm with her and she should be questioning you like that.

*shouldn’t

She sounds like Joe from the show YOU on Netflix.

Your DD can be anxious whilst appearing to be confident (especially with her DM).

So again OP you're absolutely insistent it's not anxiety despite many people on this post explaining the different ways that anxiety can present.

As I asked earlier, if it's NOT anxiety - then what is it? Because this is absolutely not normal behaviour for a teen. Wanting to know where their mum is at all times, even when in the supermarket is a very, very long way from most teens - unless there's some kind of separation anxiety, or generalised anxiety. But you are certain it's not anxiety - so what IS going on then?

This isn't just about getting her to behave in a way that you find more palatable - you need to get to the bottom of what's going on here.

Time to be blunt with her. She is violating your privacy and it’s unacceptable.

Whether it’s anxiety or not isn’t the point, is it? It’s still not acceptable behaviour, no matter what is fuelling it.

There are any number of unpleasant behaviours that could be because of anxiety but they are still wrong.

I would sit down and have a chat. Ask her what's she's worried about and reassure her that although you have your own independent life too it doesn't mean she's not important or that you're going to disappear and that she'll always be in your life.

@CallOnMe
'like we all did as kids'
Speak for yourself. I never did

The issue isn't necessarily the smoking. She has a bigger issue regarding your behaviour which she is trying to control. Searching through dog poo bags is not normal! You need to make some clear changes regarding her monitoring/ challenging your day to day behaviour.
She may need support with anxiety or she may have a more controlling type of attachment- I don't know which but you need to find out and support change.

I'd get her seen by a psychologist. Her extreme controlling and intrusion into your privacy are not normal at all.

Can you imagine the social difficulties she will endure in the future if this behaviour is not stopped!

"Honestly I'd have told her to fuck off."

I'm not so sure that would solve the problem to be honest. I think it's more likely some sort of anxiety or other psychological issue is at play that needs a more understanding approach, to help her feel reassured.

Honestly, this reminds me quite a lot of my behaviour with my alcoholic father. It was anxiety. And he’d pull the whole ‘who the fuck do you think you are’ power trip too.

and that's the same as OP having 2 crafty fags in the garden? No. No it isn't.

Sounds like a serial killer in the making

Well, they’re both dangerous addictions.

But my point was that my behaviour was as a result of anxiety (caused by being unable to trust a parent) and it sounds to me like OP’s DD is suffering from anxiety too. What the cause of her anxiety is I don’t know but I don’t imagine pulling rank and telling her to fuck off will help.

Oh sounds a nightmare!

In a way I'm not sure it matters whether she is anxious, has ASD traits, etc or not, in the sense that her behaviours are still not okay either way.

I think it's fine for you to keep reinforcing boundaries, even if she doesn't seem to be listening to them.

"DD I'm going to the shop for an hour or so and I'm not going to be texting or answering calls while I'm there"

"DD it is not okay to go through my handbag / my rubbish - I don't do that to you"

"DD I'm on a private call, can you go downstairs please and give me some space, otherwise I'll have to take it out to the car"

"Yes I had a couple of cigarettes; I hid them because I'm not particularly proud of it. But I don't like you going through my rubbish or constantly sniffing me. I wouldn't do that to you"

I realise I am making it sound simple. I do not have a teenager yet!! I think my two are going to cause me some trouble in different ways!!

Agree.

OP, you have clearly allowed a creeping situation to get to this place.

Your boundaries are very poor that you would allow it to get to this place.

She undermines your parenting your other child repeatedly........you have allowed this.

Sit down and have a really firm conversation with her.

Tell her the specific behaviours, have them written on a list, that are not acceptable.

Tell her you are finished putting up with this.

Lay out the consequences.

No money, phone, lifts.

Your daughter sounds like she is being allowed to grow into a deeply unpleasant person with absolutely no respect for the privacy of others.

She started with you. You have allowed this.

When she gave that drink despite you saying no, what consequences were there?

You are failing her and your younger child, who shouldn't be seeing such disrespectful behaviour and confusion as to who is in charge.

Also, why do you answer her questions?

Poor boundaries is why.

If my children ask a question that is none of their business, and they have, I have told them that it is NONE of their business.

I am not their friend, I am their parent and I will not answer nosey questions nor be questioned on my choices.

In doing that I am modeling boundaries for them to see.

You need to take the gloves off and tell her how deeply unpleasant, unattractive and completely off putting her behaviour is.

And mean it.

Stop answering ANY questions.
Put your 🤚up if she asks a question "none of your business" on a bloody loop.

If you are out tell her only call you if it is an emergency.
If she doesn't do this.
Take her phone from her for 24 hours for not doing as she was asked.

You have allowed a monster to develop, let this bin business be the start of you taking back control in your home.

For your sake, the sake of your other child and your daughter.

I apologise if this sounds harsh but you need to take drastic action before you find yourself in an abusive situation with her.

She's not far off being an adult and telling you what you can and cannot do......in YOUR home.

This is a good statement to say to her and to keep repeating.

Whilst I wouldn't tell my child to fxxk off, the consequences for going through my bag and mail would be huge.

100% unacceptable.

OP, if you allow this to continue, you will end up wanting her out of your home at 18.

I wouldn't hesitate to tell her that either.

Her behaviour is so unacceptable.

I think people need to stop focusing on the cigarettes and focus more on the fact that OP's daughter is reading her mail, questioning everything she does, undermines her with the younger child. I don't know the answer but I'd probably start with a serious talk with her and see if you cant get to the bottom of why she's like that?

We have a teenager who thinks he's god's gift to perfection, and believes that me and his dad are shit examples of humans and know fuck all because we're old.

Honestly, I think a lot of teens are like that.

They think because they're not small children and have a certain amount of independence that they know it all.

They absolutely do not.