No privacy from teenager

[Fgstd]

This is a one off but I’m venting really. Been through an awful couple of days and had a couple of cigarettes yesterday in the garden whilst the kids were at school. Showered after, washed clothes and brushed teeth.
15 year is normally pretty good but obsessed with what are you doing, where are you going, who are you talking to on the phone etc - we have spoken about it as it feels like I’m being stalked and tracked all the time, at times. It just a little bit too much - she is not insecure and happily buggered off all
day today leaving me ringing her phone multiple times to see where she was and her ignoring me. But if I pop to Tesco after 15 minutes she’s calling - how long are you going to be - where are you?

yesterday evening multiple times asked for a hug, which wouldn’t be abnormal if she didn’t smell me repeatedly.

Tonight I Put the black bin out for collection. I had carefully collected the end and tied them in a dog poo bag and put them in the bin. She goes out to do the recycling - she’s going through the bin and opens the dog poo bag and opens it and brings in the cigarette ends and says ‘you need to explain what this is’

she then tells the younger one - FFS
why do I feel so so so so
guilty and upset 😠

I’ve not said anything to her, feeling like the worse mothers in the world right now

Do it to her! She might stop then.

Anxiety can show itself in so many different ways. Don't dismiss that idea because she seems confident.

You could be describing my DD. She is really similar. It isn't an intrusive control thing with her. It's an anxiety thing.

Even though in many respects she is is a lot less anxious than my boy. She is just better at disguising it as acceptable worry and vigilance.

You're on your own with them.

That means you are her everything. There is (presumably) no back up. She has all her eggs in one basket.

I'm saying this as a fellow separated parent. My DD does have regular and extensive contact with her dad but he doesn't get her in the same way that me and her get each other.

I think this is her way of clumsily telling you that you are her everything and you'd better not die of cancer/ get a bloke who will take you away from her.

And honesty, it is unfashionable, but I think that is fair enough. They need to know they come first for someone.

I'm not saying you should have no life or privacy, but I suspect the solution isn't to crack down on her and tell her to butt out but to let her know she and her sibling will always come first.

I couldn’t be doing with this

she needs to learn some respect and fast

That's just spiteful...why punish her for being anxious?

It's OK to create boundaries OP but I wouldn't recommend a punishment!

Smoke whenever and wherever you like

Turn off the tracking app

Lock away your handbag/phone etc

Let your phone go to answerphone unless you are expecting a call or she is out somewhere and you would be happy to speak to her

Tell her to back off, you are entitled to your own life

@AnyFucker, you not curious or concerned as to what is causing this hyper-vigilance and intrusive behaviour ? It's unusual for a teen.

Going through the rubbish is beyond the boundaries of the most pathologically controlling teen...

We’ve talked and although she has snooped over my shoulder twice at what I’m messaging - a look stopped her. We have discussed privacy at length. My father is highly controlling we are no contact.

Exactly my concern

Boundaries yes, punishment - Id rather talk to her first and she’s mature and intelligent enough to be able to have an articulate conversation about it.

I understand the anxiety issue but I really don’t think she is.

It's a deliberate thing teenagers do for a prank. Annoy their parents like this and then snigger about it to all their mates.

OP - for what it is worth, my sister has always been like this. She used to snoop quite a lot and I still won't leave out any papers I don't want her to read and she always tells people what they should say/do in situations they find themselves in though they haven't asked for advice. I am the one that gets bossed around the most (which I strongly resist). After most of a lifetime of this, I have now realised that she does this most when she is anxious about anything in her own life. When she is happy, she eases up a lot. It took me all these years to find out the reason because she comes across as a very confident person.

@DenholmElliot1 I don't think this is true of most teens I know. Not mine.

Snooping is normal, trying to read messages over shoulder and listening into conversations ditto.

Going through the bins and opening poo bags . Not so much. There's more to this that appears I'm sure.

You have enabled this nonsense for far too long. Your child desperately needs to be put in her place, for her own sake. This behaviour, if carried on through her life with other people, will do her absolutely no favours.

Sorry OP - but my heart breaks for your DD reading your post. She clearly has some very big issues, and while I get that it is annoying for you, I would be much more concerned with getting her some help and getting to the bottom of what is bothering her.

Ugh teenagers are like cats. You need to stick to every rule and standard you promote. But they don’t. You need to be available every second in case they need you. But they don’t need you until you decide to do something else,. And you are incompetent lackey, unless they want you do something for them, for which they are ungrateful and unappreciative. I sometimes wonder how they survive!!

I do think the smoking smacks of double standards and is showing her she can’t trust you to behave as you presumably say you expect her to behave. And the secrecy won’t help. It sounds she has boundary issues, and I understand why you feel stalked, but I wonder if your secrecy about this (or other things) has been contributing to anxiety or trust issues which you could perhaps address? I don’t blame you, nobody’s perfect, I’m just wondering how you could change the dynamic.

And now I want a cigarette!!

I can't believe some of the comments on this post.

OP is a grown woman, if she wants to smoke she can. How you or her dd feels about this is irrelevant. And I say that as a non smoker who thinks smoking is disgusting.

OP you have let this go on for far too long. You need to remind your daughter that you are the adult and she doesn't get to question you or dictate how you choose to live you life. You need to firmly set boundaries.

Honestly I'd have told her to fuck off.

I'd hate this. Why is she doing it? Does she feel insecure?

I'd say it's totally unacceptable and she has to respect your privacy. How would she like it if you did the same to her?

What is she worrying about? Can you talk to her?

You’d speak to your own child, whom you’re still nurturing, like that?!

"I will never have to explain myself to you" end of conversation.

She’s probably learned about how horrifically bad smoking is to your health either at school or heard of someone’s loved one dying from it and wants to see her mum fit and healthy living a full life?

You're doing her a disservice not nipping this in the bud. Please explain to her that her behaviour would be classed as abusive in 3 years time. She's formed some really concerning and toxic behaviours and you're not doing her any favours as she'll take this into adulthood.

She would be getting consequences from me if she looked through my mail or tried to read my messages.
Also ear wigging and being nosey would get her told off. Talking to teens is fine but sometimes they need consequences for their behaviour.
She would also get short shrift if she tried to overrule my parenting decisions.
Mine have additonal needs and often ask intrusive questions. I calmly remind them that it isnt polite and they are being rude.

You might want to show her videos about relationships and coersive control