Selling a horse- AIBU

[Raspberrycrumble]

Got a new horse 6 months ago. Not my first horse so I knew what to expect and I’m not a novice, but she’s been much harder work than originally expected. I’m not saying she was missold because the previous owners genuinely didn’t have these issues, but I’m getting a bit tired of it all now. Nothing awful or dangerous just low level naughtiness and as much as I’ve tried to tell myself otherwise, I feel like I need to be totally honest and say I just haven’t clicked with the horse in the way I hoped to. The dentist, farrier, physio, saddler and all the usuals have been out. The horse is fine, she’s just naughty and has lots of bad habits which I know can be fixed but that’s not what I was hoping for when I bought her and not what I paid for.

so my AIBU. Do I accept we just haven’t bonded and sell her on? I think if I persevere I’ll produce a really nice horse in the end, but I wasn’t looking to produce. I don’t want to quit and have everyone talk shit about me that I couldn’t cope with the horse- I absolutely can, I just don’t want to and it’s not what I paid for or wanted. And I know some people will say to give it longer and I know they’re right, but equally it’s been over 6 months now. Obviously behaviour changes and not ‘clicking’ is just part of the risk of buying, and I don’t want to give up or quit too early, but at what point do I just accept it’s not the horse for me.

sorry for rambling, a bit tired and fed up after yet another difficult week. Basically just looking for advice or reassurance from anyone who’s been in a similar situation!

I’ve not backtracked at all! I never once said she was annoying me and you accused me of it so yeah of course I’m going to get defensive!

‘’And people have suggested lots of avenues which you haven’t tried yet, all basic stuff that any person with experience would know and have tried already.‘’

sorry can you just name the stuff haven’t I tried? you have absolutely no idea what I’ve tried, but it includes everything suggested on this thread by pp. yes, there are plenty of posters saying this is normal and to stick with the horse. But there are actuallly more posters saying they’ve been in similar position or they would sell if they were me. It’s not just me.

I posted on here and wanted other peoples opinions and I’m glad I got them- I wanted all opinions and have absolutely no problem with people telling me I shouldn’t sell or they would keep trying. That’s fine, I wanted opinions.

what I didn’t want is people who know absolutely nothing about horses to come along and stick the knife in. Without sounding preachy, words online hurt just as much as in real life and let’s face it- you have absolutely nothing to contribute in terms of horses or knowledge or experience, you saw I was upset about the situation and decided to just come on and be nasty and accuse me of not loving my horse and to tell me you hope my horse pisses on me. The other posters who were saying I shouldn’t sell weren’t nasty about it like you were, you just saw an opportunity to make someone feel a bit shitter than they already were. Words hurt, and I hope you feel a lot better about how crap you’ve made me feel.

like I said, maybe stick to black beauty and petting horses at the side of the road. I’m not going to respond to any more of your messages because I’m not wasting my time or effort or letting myself get more upset by you

Call it a day. You didn't want a project horse. If you had you would have bought one. I can think of several friends with tricky or quirky horses and they have spent thousands over the years trying to fix the quirks to no avail. Cut and run. Or you'll be having this conversation this time next year.

What’s the actual problem with the horse? And would you be looking to buy another? Have you recently had a fall or lost confidence as it sounds like you may have lost your nerve (which is okay and happens) but continually shifting horses won’t solve this and realistically you’ll go back to square one each time. No horse is perfect. It might be best to work with a good trainer and build your confidence back up together. She sounds like a great horse.

You seem to have overcomplicated this.

Your mare has loads of potential, but is essentially a "project horse". You weren't planning on buying a project, and don't have the time or mental energy to do it properly.

So you sell to someone who is up for a project (plenty are, and if she's fine in traffic and has good ground manners she's very appealing).

And you buy a more schoolmaster type who requires less input.

You’re totally right- I wasn’t explaining it very well but you’ve completely summed the situation up. I’ve definitely over complicated and muddied the situation by explaining how much I love her, I just knew people would accuse me of not caring about her and being a bad owner and giving up etc

It’s been such a hard decision to make x

Out of interest - how old is she?

You say you love her unconditionally, so problem solved, keep her.

Honestly? You sound a bit wet. Reading the horse a bedtime story? I've come across some bonkers shit in my many years with horses and on yards but that really takes the biscuit.

Stop anthropomorphising the animal - she doesn't love you, horses are not capable of such a feeling. Describing horses as naughty really makes my piss itch; they don't have the ability to choose to be naughty. The issues you have mentioned will either be due to crap schooling, poor riding or pain.

It sounds like she's just too much for you. Sell her on and get something more suited to your needs.

I’m probably being ridiculous but I don’t want to give too many details in case it ends up outing if I do sell her. She’s young but not a baby or a youngster, she’s the younger end of the ‘sensible’ age bracket if that makes sense! She’s an absolutely amazing horse and her quirks are just age related and because she’s green, but she’s a project in a lot of ways and I don’t feel like I’m the best person to bring her on. Maybe I’m just trying to make myself feel better about the situation but I feel like she would have a lot more potential with someone with more experience bringing on horses as green as she is.

(and before anyone jumps on this and says I should have done my homework- I did. I’ve schooled and worked with young horses before but she’s a lot greener than expected when I bought her. We knew she needed some work but it’s become clear that it’s significantly more work than we were anticipating/told when we bought her)

Jesus that’s a bit harsh. It’s a 5 minute thing we do, it started as a bit of fun and a way I said goodnight to her when she was first settling and now it’s just a cute routine we have. Its not like it’s every night and its no different really to people chatting to their horses or hugging them. It’s hardly ‘bonkers shit’, I’m not stupid I know she doesn’t have a clue what’s going on! She just likes the interaction and soothing voice. If taking 5 minutes out of my night to interact with her makes me a bonkers owner then I’m proud to be a bonkers owner. I’d rather be bonkers than nasty🤷🏻‍♀️

laughing at the wet comment. I’ve been riding all my life and have dragged by exracers, had horses rear and fall on me and jumped xc bareback. I’ve always been the one to ride the horses nobody else wants to ride. I’m by far not the greatest rider but wet is something I’m not. Thanks though 👍

It’s amazing how some people are able to put their point across - even if it’s that they don’t agree with me - without being nasty or personal with it. Sad that other people aren’t able to 🤷🏻‍♀️

I also don’t know much about horses but some people are being horrible to you. Hope you come to a conclusion soon. How would it feel to write the for sale advert. Not even post it up yet, but just write it.

If your not feeling it 100% sell her on to a nice home (not suggesting your not btw) people click with all different kinds of horses. I have no issue with people honestly selling horses on as long as long as they are not oldies they've had for years or injured horses as “companions”

I'd repost on the tack room or H&H online, people on AIBU love to pick a fight and it's just going to upset you.

For what it's worth, while I'd be first in the 'if it isn't working out sell, life is too short camp' generally, I'm pretty cynical and don't really believe there's such a thing as 'the bond', or rather it's not that the feeling doesn't exist but that it's something that happens naturally and gradually over time when horse and rider (or person and person ) are well suited to one another and have positive experiences together rather than being something magical or mystical that can only happen with 'special' or particular horses. So I know you've tried hard to articulate what's going on for you but it does seem strange that you love and adore the mare so much on the ground but aren't enjoying riding her, particularly given you seem well suited in terms of the set-up you offer and her general capabilities and suitableness for what you want to do. Is it that you aren't feeling she's willing to work with you/trying in the ridden work (in which I would suspect some kind of pain if she's very different on the ground, sorry, I know you say you've done extensive investigations but it may be something well hidden), or is it purely that she's greener than you thought and it's a PITA having to school her through it?

I do think you could end up regretting selling her, with the market the way it is finding another 'made' horse totally bombproof, sound and ready to go out competing and jumping etc tomorrow might not be that easy. If it was me I think I would ask an experienced and trusted instructor (you don't mention if you have lessons regularly?) to give me a really honest, frank appraisal of where we were as a partnership and how long they think it would take/how much effort to get her to the point you want her at, e.g. if it's doing well at an unaffliated prelim or reliably jumping a DC at 80cm or whatever. If that's possible within a fairly tight timeframe for me it would be worth throwing a bit of time and money at achieving it. I know you said you don't want a project or to produce but it doesn't sound like she's miles away to me, and even if when you get there you still really feel she's not the horse for you then you'll likely make back your money and make her much more saleable - but you might surprise yourself by enjoying the end result if not the process. And if nothing else it will certainly silence the doubters that you were too scared to manage her or whatever (not that what other people think matters a job of course). You could even invest in sending her off for some schooling livery to kick start the process, or have a instructor ride her for you a few times a week? There's no shame in needing and asking for help sometimes, when I start feeling down about myself or my horses I usually find it's because I've fallen into a bit of a rut and doing the same things over and over and getting the same result, a bit of a kick up the behind and being pushed into doing something a bit more challenging or just different can be a real tonic. But obviously that's just me, like others have said, if you gut is saying sell then sell. She'll find a lovely home, you'll likely have your hand snapped off and just chalk it up to one of those things?

At least nobody has suggested you to put her in foal

Assuming she's 5 or 6 then I think the teenage phase can be tricky. Mine is just 6. He was a COVID baby pony so missed out on going out and about as a 4 year old. I think there is probably a generation of young horses that are a bit greener for their age because of it.
To be fair until you have brought any horse home and it's settled I don't think you ever know exactly what you've got.
Horses are a lot of time, money and heart ache it's worth it for the right one but if she's not your heart horse then no shame in finding a new home for her. She sounds perfectly sellable.

Ok so 6 or 7, maybe 8 tops?

Honestly she will likely grow up a lot in the next year or two. My friend bought a nice 7 year old, and he has grown up so much in the last few years. He wasn't a baby but has matured in his head loads. It is only really looking back that you can see how immature he was.

They are a bit like 18 - 20yr old humans at this stage, fully grown but still not proper mature adults. They become much more level headed very soon.

I’m still not 💯 sure what the issue is? The behaviour you have described sound fairly normal in a horse that’s 6-8 yrs. You say that you love the horse unconditionally but you still want to sell as you don’t want a project? Which Is absolutely fine btw.

Agree. The age part is really important here. If you do decide to sell, and are completely convinced on owning your own again, I would recommend looking at an ‘older’ horse (12 and above) if you are a bit nervous with greener horses. But then you’d also have to be prepared for any other challenges / bad habits from previous owners. No horse is perfect.

The point about covid is really interesting too - very possibly could have had an impact on development dependent on the yard she was previously in! I think give the two of you a bit more time and take the pressure off.

You’d be doing the kindest thing by the sounds, don’t feel bad. My friend has a horse and it looks like such hard work.

If what you’re saying is true, I actually find it even more repulsive that you want to sell your horse on. The next person will not baby the poor thing like you ‘apparently’ have, you obviously do know that don’t you?

I think you're being really rather unfair @PinkSyCo True, we can't guarantee how people will treat horses when we sell them. But I've bought horses that were in the last chance saloon and given them happy lives, right up to the end of their days. There are good owners out there. They may well be a better match for the mare than the OP is. Although tbh I'm not convinced the OP is a bad match - I think she's just scared of making a commitment to this horse for some reason. But the OP isn't some unique person, no offence to her. If she is treating the mare in this way, what is to say someone else won't treat her like that, or better?

If she is treating the mare in this way, what is to say someone else won't treat her like that, or better?

But what is to say that they won’t? Look whatever way you look at it, it’s pretty fucked up to profess that you love an animal so much to the point of you’re babifying it while seriously considering selling it.

I’ve been in your position before. I spent way to much time and money trying to fix the situation when it was never going to work. Sold him on to a brave pony clubbed who wasn’t phased by his quirks (which I disclosed when selling) and they had a great time together.

I too had people in my ear urging me not to ‘give up on him’ but as long as you sell to a decent home there’s no shame. I actually refused one buyer as she was completely unsuitable.

Remember that top horse people have horses they don’t gel with and sell on all the time.