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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Selling a horse- AIBU

160 replies

Raspberrycrumble · 21/07/2022 12:39

Got a new horse 6 months ago. Not my first horse so I knew what to expect and I’m not a novice, but she’s been much harder work than originally expected. I’m not saying she was missold because the previous owners genuinely didn’t have these issues, but I’m getting a bit tired of it all now. Nothing awful or dangerous just low level naughtiness and as much as I’ve tried to tell myself otherwise, I feel like I need to be totally honest and say I just haven’t clicked with the horse in the way I hoped to. The dentist, farrier, physio, saddler and all the usuals have been out. The horse is fine, she’s just naughty and has lots of bad habits which I know can be fixed but that’s not what I was hoping for when I bought her and not what I paid for.

so my AIBU. Do I accept we just haven’t bonded and sell her on? I think if I persevere I’ll produce a really nice horse in the end, but I wasn’t looking to produce. I don’t want to quit and have everyone talk shit about me that I couldn’t cope with the horse- I absolutely can, I just don’t want to and it’s not what I paid for or wanted. And I know some people will say to give it longer and I know they’re right, but equally it’s been over 6 months now. Obviously behaviour changes and not ‘clicking’ is just part of the risk of buying, and I don’t want to give up or quit too early, but at what point do I just accept it’s not the horse for me.

sorry for rambling, a bit tired and fed up after yet another difficult week. Basically just looking for advice or reassurance from anyone who’s been in a similar situation!

OP posts:
Stickytreacle · 21/07/2022 20:06

Honestly I think you need to give it more time, it took me me just over a year to really get with my mare.

Other points are how old is she? If she's only young you may well find she's a different kettle of fish with a bit of maturity under her belt.
Also does the behaviour tie in with her seasons? The tanking and bunny hopping would make me think of this and maybe a supplement such as oestress might be worth a shot.
she sounds a very nice mate on the whole, definitely worth persevering for a bit longer with her I think.

PlanetNormal · 21/07/2022 20:10

A member of DPs family sold her horse (Thoroughbred x Connemara, I believe) earlier this year. She bought the horse to go eventing, he was super talented but very sharp and was probably just too much horse for her. They didn’t click and over time their confidence in one another deteriorated until she made the decision that it wasn’t going to work out. She sold him to a pro, and by all accounts he is thriving in his new home. Maybe we will see him at Burghley some time?
Ignore the gossips and sell your horse, OP. I assuming you find the right home for her, it will be the best move for both of you.

Stoptherideiwannagetoff · 21/07/2022 20:16

Some just don't fit. I've had various, and some were just not right for me and my environment - went to different homes with lifestyle changes and became different animals, with happy lives. The ones that do fit are content and stay for life. If people criticise you for making a decision for the good of the animal they're a twit. You're not giving up, be confident that you're thinking sensibly and making positive changes!

GrowlingManchego · 21/07/2022 20:16

Sell her, top riders do this all the time and no one judges them for it.

user1468656818 · 21/07/2022 20:20

GrowlingManchego · 21/07/2022 20:16

Sell her, top riders do this all the time and no one judges them for it.

They certainly do get judged. I don’t know many ‘top’ riders who sell after 6 months - something screams no homework/low effort here.

user1468656818 · 21/07/2022 20:21

Out of interest OP, would you look to get another horse if you sold?

notquiteruralbliss · 21/07/2022 21:00

I must admit OP, I have owned multiple horses over the past 30 years and I am not sure I 'get' the concept of loving a horse but not gelling with them. Is it that, when you bought her, you thought your mare was better schooled than she is or that the way you like to ride and the way you like your horse to go means you are constantly at odds with her? If so, do you think enough of her to want to change your approach or would you rather sell her and start again with a new horse?

It doesn't sound as if there is a specific job you want her to do that she isn't capable of. Buying any horse is a gamble. Even if you know how they were with their previous rider, you don't know how they will be for you. How do you know that, if you sold her and bought another, you wouldn't still feel that you don't gel.

WiddlinDiddlin · 21/07/2022 21:01

user1468656818 · 21/07/2022 20:20

They certainly do get judged. I don’t know many ‘top’ riders who sell after 6 months - something screams no homework/low effort here.

Show quote history

They absolutely DO move horses on relatively quickly if there isn't some spark or click there.

The difference is, often it isn't selling as they didn't own them in the first place, but were riding them for someone else with a view to competing, and of course, you don't really hear about it.

Unless you're doing those tours of riders yards or following tiktoks (And there are plenty of older top level riders in all fields who don't do either) you've NO idea what is on their yard and how long it has been there and whether it will stay or move on somewhere else!

silverbubbles · 21/07/2022 21:20

Sell the horse. You don't need to prove anything to anyone. Horses cost a lot of money and time and they should bring you pleasure. There is no shame in admitting that she is not for you and would be better of with someone else.

3ormoredogs · 21/07/2022 21:28

I had this with one of mine. She was a perfect, lovely safe little horse, I adored her on the ground and we were always in the ribbons competitively, but for whatever reason I hated riding her. It wasn’t enjoyable for me or her. I have no idea why but we just didn’t get each-other under saddle.
I tried for about 2 years, lessons, clinics, competing but I lost my love of riding because of it.

I sold her to a lovely lady to do a completely different job and she’s a much happier pony. The lady loves her and she has a lovely life.
It helped that she was a very in demand type of horse though and I had my pick of a few brilliant homes.

It’s too expensive a hobby to have regrets.

nokitchen · 21/07/2022 21:42

Sell. I had two horses before I found 'the one'. Life is too short and horses too expensive to keep a wrong match.

GrowlingManchego · 22/07/2022 12:20

user1468656818 · 21/07/2022 20:20

They certainly do get judged. I don’t know many ‘top’ riders who sell after 6 months - something screams no homework/low effort here.

Show quote history

No, it happens and it’s accepted. Relationships between horses and their riders rely partly on good chemistry, especially if competing at a top level. Professionals ride to pay the bills so horses are moved on quickly if they don’t gel or perform as hoped. My DS’s current ride came from a top international and he admitted that the horse has great potential but not for him, needs someone with a gentler approach. She’s doing well with his old horse and he’s now top of the table with his newer one. Everyone is happy, no one is judged. And no the riders don’t always own their own horses, it can be an extra factor in negotiations when there are separate owners involved but horses still change riders and or ownership all the time.

Original poster
Raspberrycrumble · 22/07/2022 15:04

user1468656818 · 21/07/2022 20:21

Out of interest OP, would you look to get another horse if you sold?

Yeah I would. I’m not looking to stop riding, I just don’t know that me and her are the best match together. We’re not bringing out the best in each other. It’s hard to explain what I mean but it’s a reassurance in a way that some people on this thread have been in a similar situation and it worked out well in the end for both horse and rider

OP posts:
Original poster
Raspberrycrumble · 22/07/2022 15:08

user1468656818 · 21/07/2022 20:20

They certainly do get judged. I don’t know many ‘top’ riders who sell after 6 months - something screams no homework/low effort here.

Show quote history

‘No homework/ low effort’

Your judgement is completely misplaced, that’s absolutely not the case.

OP posts:
nokitchen · 22/07/2022 19:26

Out of interest is this your first mare?

OMG12 · 22/07/2022 19:51

How is she with other riders? The problems seem mainly when she is ridden.

horses react differently to different people - there used to be a term (hot bottom) for riders who could get even a plodding school master prancing like a stallion, others react to different riding styles eg using your body more than the reins. I completely get you just might not gel riding wise!

horses are very sensitive to so much. If you don’t gel I would say move on or you could potentially try some lessons together?

Original poster
Raspberrycrumble · 27/07/2022 20:17

Just wanted to post a quick update, I’m still really unsure about what to do (so basically I don’t have much of an update). My heart wants to stick with her but my head says it’s not the right thing for both of us. It’s the worst dilemma I've ever had x

OP posts:
Pancakeorcrepe · 27/07/2022 20:28

“I absolutely can, I just don’t want to and it’s not what I paid for or wanted.”

You don’t sound like an animal lover and it sounds like it is just some misplaced sense of pride that is making you keep the horse. Also don’t agree with calling her naughty. Sell the horse so she can move on to a home where she is loved.

Raspberrycrumble · 27/07/2022 20:35

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Thatsenoughnow · 27/07/2022 20:45

If your heart says keep her, then resolve to put the decision off for another 6 months. Why do you need to decide right now?

Pancakeorcrepe · 27/07/2022 21:09

@Raspberrycrumble you are very defensive. I just quoted exactly what you said - you seem very keen to make it clear you can handle the horse “but you just don’t want to and it’s not what you paid for or wanted”. Word for word what you said. Does that sound like you love this animal? If you loved her you wouldn’t call her naughty and find her annoying. You certainly don’t love her unconditionally, do you know the meaning of the word unconditional? Nevertheless we seem agreed that the best option is for you to sell her.

Pancakeorcrepe · 27/07/2022 21:11

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Original poster
Raspberrycrumble · 27/07/2022 21:29

Pancakeorcrepe · 27/07/2022 21:09

@Raspberrycrumble you are very defensive. I just quoted exactly what you said - you seem very keen to make it clear you can handle the horse “but you just don’t want to and it’s not what you paid for or wanted”. Word for word what you said. Does that sound like you love this animal? If you loved her you wouldn’t call her naughty and find her annoying. You certainly don’t love her unconditionally, do you know the meaning of the word unconditional? Nevertheless we seem agreed that the best option is for you to sell her.

I don’t find her annoying, but thanks for misquoting me 😀

and I absolutely will get defensive when someone (who knows nothing about the topic in the first place) accuses me of not loving my horse and deliberately sticks the knife in when I’m clearly upset about the whole situation.

you clearly know absolutely nothing about horses so maybe go back to watching black beauty eh?

I love her unconditionally and she is my absolute world. Sometimes when you love something you have to actually think about what’s best for it, and not just yourself, does that make sense? Eg buyer does all the homework, horse is happy at first, then over time it stops enjoying the set up of its new home. So do you force it to stay when it would be happier with a different lifestyle or job? Personally I think that’s cruel when it could potentially be happier doing something else. Some horses absolutely love to jump and overtime lose the enjoyment. So does the owner continue to make them jump when it makes them unhappy? Or do they sell them to a home where they will do other things the horse enjoys better, like flatwork and dressage? It’s a common enough situation with showjumping horses for example

Also your comment ‘Why don’t you go and get pissed on by a horse’ had me giggling, as if getting pissed on by a horse would be a big deal. I couldn’t find the shavings fork last night so just used my barehands to pick up shit and peed-shavings so my horse would have a clean and cosy bed. I don’t think your insult has had the effect you hoped for!

OP posts:
Pancakeorcrepe · 28/07/2022 06:12

@Raspberrycrumble you continue being very defensive! And now you are massively backtracking to make yourself sound like you are only concerned about doing the best thing for the horse. Read your first post, it’s the one that leaks your true feelings. I never said you should keep the horse, and I’m not saying you are not an animal lover because you don’t want to keep it. I’m saying you are not an animal lover because of how you talk about the horse and the fact you haven’t explored basic avenues to improve the situation. Lots of other people have commented that your horse sounds great and that these are normal issues that can be solved if you had the motivation to do it. And people have suggested lots of avenues which you haven’t tried yet, all basic stuff that any person with experience would know and have tried already. You justify all this by not feeling “the click”… lots of people asking if this is your first horse as you sound so unexperienced and immature. Just sell the horse.

WisherWood · 28/07/2022 07:37

Eg buyer does all the homework, horse is happy at first, then over time it stops enjoying the set up of its new home. So do you force it to stay when it would be happier with a different lifestyle or job? Personally I think that’s cruel when it could potentially be happier doing something else. Some horses absolutely love to jump and overtime lose the enjoyment. So does the owner continue to make them jump when it makes them unhappy? Or do they sell them to a home where they will do other things the horse enjoys better, like flatwork and dressage? It’s a common enough situation with showjumping horses for example

I owned my last horse for ten years. As he aged, he stopped wanting to jump. So did I sell him to a dressage-only home? No, I stopped jumping. He was my best friend and partner. I accepted his changes. For the last four years of his life he wasn't rideable at all. Later, he stopped enjoying the set up at the yard I kept him at, close to my home. So I moved him to a yard 15 miles away with a more suitable set up and every day, I'd go and hang out with him. I'd just sit with him while he grazed. Sure, I wanted a riding horse, but he was my horse, and he couldn't be ridden. As Shakespeare put it:
Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds

If we went with our heads, we'd never get into horses in the first place. It's a heart decision.