Selling a horse- AIBU

[Raspberrycrumble]

Got a new horse 6 months ago. Not my first horse so I knew what to expect and I’m not a novice, but she’s been much harder work than originally expected. I’m not saying she was missold because the previous owners genuinely didn’t have these issues, but I’m getting a bit tired of it all now. Nothing awful or dangerous just low level naughtiness and as much as I’ve tried to tell myself otherwise, I feel like I need to be totally honest and say I just haven’t clicked with the horse in the way I hoped to. The dentist, farrier, physio, saddler and all the usuals have been out. The horse is fine, she’s just naughty and has lots of bad habits which I know can be fixed but that’s not what I was hoping for when I bought her and not what I paid for.

so my AIBU. Do I accept we just haven’t bonded and sell her on? I think if I persevere I’ll produce a really nice horse in the end, but I wasn’t looking to produce. I don’t want to quit and have everyone talk shit about me that I couldn’t cope with the horse- I absolutely can, I just don’t want to and it’s not what I paid for or wanted. And I know some people will say to give it longer and I know they’re right, but equally it’s been over 6 months now. Obviously behaviour changes and not ‘clicking’ is just part of the risk of buying, and I don’t want to give up or quit too early, but at what point do I just accept it’s not the horse for me.

sorry for rambling, a bit tired and fed up after yet another difficult week. Basically just looking for advice or reassurance from anyone who’s been in a similar situation!

It’s hard to explain. She’s not bad, and the reason I’ve said ‘naughty’ is to point out that it’s not pain related.

she’s fantastic in so many ways. Jumps nicely and could do a bit of low level sj or be. Hacks in company and with gentle encouragement hacks alone, she doesn’t bother with cars or vans and we have literally been squeezed at the side of the road by inconsiderate drivers and she hasn’t even bothered. She’s fantastic. Gets on with others in the field. Could do a nice dressage test with a bit more schooling. Fine with dogs and kids.

the naughtiness. It’s hard to explain but it’s not as bad as it sounds and it’s definitely stuff that can be trained out, I just don’t know if I want to be the one to do it. Sometimes she rides beautifully and other times she spends the entire lesson being silly. She sometimes naps but goes forward with gentle encouragement. Then other times she completely takes off in canter and goes into racehorse mode and doesn’t pull back. She sometimes bucks but not proper bucks, just little exciteable hops on the spot. I’ve got them on videos so could show people. I’ve never fallen off because of them and she’s never thrown me, it’s just very low level silliness and very tiny hops. She doesn’t always do them, just when she’s a bit fresh and when she feels like being silly and it’s usually only at the start of the lesson until she focuses. But it gets tiring when you go up to ride and and it’s a lottery if she’ll be good or silly.

If she doesn’t get turnout she becomes quite sharp to ride and the hops can get a bit bigger. She’s turned out everyday so that’s not a problem for me, but she wouldn’t be happy in a home without turnout (but I’m of the opinion that horses should be turned out as much as possible anyway so I wouldn’t sell her to someone who would keep her in a stable 24/7) but obviously coming in to winter that’s something I would need to mention as some yards don’t have turnout. The yard had issues with the field so she was in her stable for a few weeks and was fine to ride but spent the first 10 minutes of the lesson hopping about. I never fell off and they’re not big massive bucks or hops though. Completely understandable from her POV but something I would want obviously mention to future buyers.

she usually leads with the rope so loose it’s dragging but had bad habits when I first got her (we’ve worked on them) and can sometimes be bolshy. In fairness she was only really bolshy when she wasn’t getting out to the field so understandable, but again it’s something I would mention.

she passed a 5 stage with flying colours and is a cracking horse, she’s just not the horse I had thought I was buying and I didn’t pay for a project. I love her so much and I know she loves me, but the two of us just don’t have that ‘click’. I know I keep saying that but it’s the only way I can think to describe it.

No advice, but can I say it's incredibly sweet that you read her a bedtime story. 🥰

Maybe give it more time because you clearly care about her. The last few days have been really hot and horses can't really escape it.

Sell, would you stay with a boyfriend/girlfriend if you felt like that? I know it is a different sort of relationship but some pairings work and some don't.

Thank you so much! ❤️ Her absolute favourite is the gruffallo and ‘that’s not my pony’- at the end when it says ‘that’s my pony, its nose is so soft!’ she gets a big cuddle and kiss on the nose and she absolutely loves it, it’s so sweet! I probably sound crazy sitting reading to her but it’s our little routine before she goes to bed! ❤️

It's been 6 months, work on your relationship with her for a while, if you go to the yard hang out with her don't just go to put her in work. Have a look at Warwick Schillers relationship path, made a huge difference to me and my new mare.

So I do some teaching but I like to take a holistic approach to it rather than the usual. My end goal is the horse isn't just nicer to ride, more supple etc but loading, ground work, soundness etc is improved upon and all things considered. The reason I'm mentioning this is that often especially with a new horse the approach to handling riding etc is so different to the horses previous home that the horse can almost reset and take a dramatic step back. Often I've seen a previously confident horse become spooky and nappy not because the rider isn't capable or that the horse was miss sold but because the new owner has a different approach and the thing that made that horse confident is now lacking. My point is it could well still be all there in this horse but your way so far hasn't unlocked the partnership. Yes you could sell and most likely should especially if you're getting to the point where you're writing about it but unless you fall on a horse that has exactly the same approach as you have you may well have the same issues again.

What does your trainer say? Has s/he ridden her and put some proper work into her?

For Goodness Sake. Why are people trying to live their life in accordance with a specification set by others?
Another thread someone is complaining about a friend berating her over choosing to eat eggs!
Your choice of Horse - Car -Bicycle is no one else's business. It is a hobby you are supposed to enjoy it. It needs to fit/suit you YOU.

If you replace this horse with another you will want to use it and enjoy it the more and probably develop to a higher standard. Achieving a better standard would be my chief ambition.

I think if you've reached the point of making a MN post about whether you should sell a horse... I think you already know the answer. Clearly neither of you are very happy in the partnership, and probably both deserve better.

I don't know much about horses, but I hear they're very bright and sensitive creatures... She probably knows you don't really like her.

‘She probably knows you don't really like her’

sorry that’s quite frustrating- I’ve said about 30 times how much I love her to bits! And she loves me too. We just don’t ‘click’. It’s hard to explain but fellow horsey people will know exactly what I mean- you can both love each other and get on well but you just don’t click as a partnership to ride

I've always had horses.

Lots of people believe that to be able animal lover you must love all animals but uts just not true. Just like people we sometimes meet ones that just aren't our type of person... or horse.

You need to have a strong working relationship and it involves trust and understanding. If you haven't clicked yet you likely won't. Sell her to somebody better for her and but a horse better for you. Maybe take one on loan with view to buy so you can be sure you gel before you commit to another. Horses are far too expensive to be keeping ones you don't enjoy owning.

Don't feel bad, you have given it a good shot. Relationships don't always work out in many areas of life.

What type of horse is she and how tall and what price are you looking for?

Have you tried cutting out all hard feed and just feeding ad lib meadow hay and a bit of chaff and linseed? Most people overfeed their horses and a lot of horses are overweight. She sounds fresh to me and like she's got too many beans inside her so stripping the feed right back to basics would be my first move. I also think that most of the usual brands are full of crap - have a look at Thunderbrook. Mares can be more challenging anyway so could be hormonal changes too.

Also, are you having regular lessons and are you out and about doing stuff with her or is it all schooling and hacking in the same places. She could be bored.

I think you should sell her. I've owned 3 horses. I sold the first because I was very over horsed, although she was lovely. I sold the second because he was just too bolshy, but the teen-aged boy who had him on loan thought he was great, so he stayed with him. The third was perfect. It is so hard to really get the right horse. Can I suggest you send yours to a really good sales livery and hopefully they can iron out the little problems and ensure he goes to a good forever home?

Not at all. This is your hobby, and a very expensive one. You should enjoy it. As long as you find her a good home, it’s fine. She’d be happy with someone that appreciates her/clicks and you can find something that suits you more. There’s no shame in admitting defeat. (Saying this as a qualified instructor too).

It does sound like you've ruled out the correctible answers and landed on the final one -- your personalities just don't mesh for work under saddle. I've known a few horses like that; I love them dearly, some of them I was there when they were foaled, but we do not have compatible work ethics. It happens.

Equestrian sport is a partnership and there's nothing wrong with admitting the partnership isn't working for one of you. Looking for a different situation for your horse is perfectly fine.

Can you try looking for someone open to sharing with a view to an eventual purchase?

Sounds like my Irish TB Mare. Never knew what mood she’d be in.

Her absolute favourite is the gruffallo and ‘that’s not my pony’- at the end when it says ‘that’s my pony, its nose is so soft!’ she gets a big cuddle and kiss on the nose and she absolutely loves it, it’s so sweet!

Excuse me but the pony in that book needs a good wash for the fluffy mane & too-tufty tail, a saddle fitter (as its saddle is too squashy), a date with clippers (for the patches that are too velvety), and some serious attention from the farrier (WHY are its hooves too bumpy?!) Some seriously terrible horse ownership going on in these Usbourne books!

😁

Simply because the way you choose to live your life impacts on other sentient beings. It’s all very well living according to your own principles but what about when those principles impact animals?

The poor horse being treated like a commodity and passed around because she’s ‘naughty’ aka a real, living creature with her own personality.

It costs the same to keep a good horse as a bad one. Now that's just a figure of speech I'm not saying your mare is bad for a second. But it's so expensive that you really need to have a horse you enjoy. Don't feel bad about selling her. It might be that you just don't click but that doesn't mean that someone else won't. My first horse had been passed from pillar to post as he was such a shit but we seemed to have an understanding and I absolutely adored him. (Most of the time 😂)

You say physio etc have been out - has she had a vet examination? I only ask because one of mine had ulcers and was a little sh*t just before diagnosis - but his behaviour changed completely and it was obvious something was genuinely wrong with him. Kissing spines?

Although, reading your posts, it does sound more like a mis-match than anything obviously screaming pain related, as nothing she is doing actually sounds that bad - don't mean to sound patronising because I'm with you that I just want to go ride when I want, chuck the saddle on and not worry about whether Madam is going to co-operate or not (chestnut mare!).

My DD has clicked beautifully with her and shrugs off the bouts of napping, bucking, head tossing and general madam-ness but I find it exhausting.

It sounds eminently fixable, which you acknowledge - just not with you because you don't want a project. Fair enough. In your shoes I'd sell, just be honest especially about the turnout. So many places have restricted turnout.

I've known more than horse be a PITA with a particular rider, get sold and go on and form an incredible partnership.

I would sell her on. It's a bloody expensive hobby and it's meant to be a partnership. My daughter has the most stunning cob/welsh mare with paces to die for. She finds her lively and switched on and adores her, I think she is a drama queen and a pain in the backside. But neither of them care for my opinion, they have each other! You will both be happier finding a partner you click with. My boy (Highland) has his faults but I fell deeply in love when I met him and my opinion hasn't changed one bit in 12 years. You both deserve that to.

Stick with her. I don’t understand why it’s so unacceptable for people to get rid of dogs but some people seem to go through horses like handbags. We’ve had the same horse for 18 years, he’s a geriatric now and part of the family. It’s not been easy but it’s worth it. They are (or certainly should be) a full life commitment. Would you get rid of her when she’s too old to ride?
I heard a good saying recently:
a bad rider changes their horse, a good rider changes their habits

Thanks very much for your concern but my horse is currently having great fun in the field and will come in tonight to a giant fluffy bed in her huge stable where she’ll have her dinner, treats, cuddles and a good brush and story before going down to bed. Doesn’t really sound like a ‘poor horse’ to me, nor is she being treated like a commodity.

she also isn’t being passed around considering I’m so unsure about selling her.

no disrespect but you clearly know nothing about horses or ponies- they absolutely can be naughty! It doesn’t make them bad, it just makes them normal, but pretending they’re never naughty is just daft!