Selling a horse- AIBU

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Got a new horse 6 months ago. Not my first horse so I knew what to expect and I’m not a novice, but she’s been much harder work than originally expected. I’m not saying she was missold because the previous owners genuinely didn’t have these issues, but I’m getting a bit tired of it all now. Nothing awful or dangerous just low level naughtiness and as much as I’ve tried to tell myself otherwise, I feel like I need to be totally honest and say I just haven’t clicked with the horse in the way I hoped to. The dentist, farrier, physio, saddler and all the usuals have been out. The horse is fine, she’s just naughty and has lots of bad habits which I know can be fixed but that’s not what I was hoping for when I bought her and not what I paid for.

so my AIBU. Do I accept we just haven’t bonded and sell her on? I think if I persevere I’ll produce a really nice horse in the end, but I wasn’t looking to produce. I don’t want to quit and have everyone talk shit about me that I couldn’t cope with the horse- I absolutely can, I just don’t want to and it’s not what I paid for or wanted. And I know some people will say to give it longer and I know they’re right, but equally it’s been over 6 months now. Obviously behaviour changes and not ‘clicking’ is just part of the risk of buying, and I don’t want to give up or quit too early, but at what point do I just accept it’s not the horse for me.

sorry for rambling, a bit tired and fed up after yet another difficult week. Basically just looking for advice or reassurance from anyone who’s been in a similar situation!

Yeah she’s having a great time now til you sell her on! You’ve described it as if she’s bonded with you - how will she feel being moved on to someone else? Like a PP said why do we think it’s horrible for people to get dogs and then give up on them and give them away but for horses it’s ok? Really sad when horsey people see horses just like property to be bought and sold.

So if selling is such a bad thing, what do you suggest I do? Keep her in a home where yeah she’s happy but doesn’t have that click/bond that she could get elsewhere? Personally I think it’s selfish keeping an animal that could potentially be happier and flourish in different home and different environment but you do you.

I don’t see her as ‘property to be bought and sold’. I see her as an individual living being that would fit a type of owner or home that maybe isn’t me. You do know that horses aren’t one size fits all and sometimes the horse/owner match just doesn’t work? And horses are individual beings that each have individual needs and requirements and it’s cruel to ignore that just because you don’t want to sell?

im NOT saying I’m definitely going to sell her. I’m asking advice from other people who know about horses about when they realised the click wasn’t going to happen and when to sell/when to keep going. I love her so so much and want to do the right thing for her.

horses and dogs are not the same animal and you can’t draw a fair comparison between the two.

Some horsey people are even worse than that if anyone watched the horse episode on "Bad Sport" on Netflix 😱Unbelievably cruel.

Anyway, we have a lovely cob at the moment who is the perfect 14.2 hh PC/RC pony. She is a real sweetheart and a real all-rounder. Can do SJ, XC, dressage and any PC activities. She also hacks out perfectly, is great with traffic and dogs, is an absolute dream to load etc etc. She has placed in a number of u/a shows and qualified for Sunshine. So al in all, I think she's amazing. But my daughter wants to compete (SJ) at a higher level, so we are looking for a competition horse. If I am honest, selling our current pony would be the only way I could afford to buy a decent competition horse, but I just can't get over the fact that we would completely lose control of what happens to her. What if her new owners decided to sell her on and she would end up with some awful dealer? 😢 I keep telling my daughter that she has been so nice to her, so it would be horrible of us to just give up on her to trade her in for something better. I maybe unnecessarily sentimental, but I don't want to sell her.

Op I'm still chuckling at the bedtime story.

I haven't riden since I've had kids. I've seen lots of horses get a night-night kiss but never a bedtime story.
Clearly you love her and she does sound a dream. I think you should keep working together. Nobody else will ever read to her.

You’re not being unnecessarily sentimental - they become part of the family.

if you can’t keep her then you could sell her on the proviso that she comes back to you if any issues whatsoever or if they ever decide to sell her. That way you know she won’t be sold multiple times through lots of households. The poor beasts work so hard for us and we really do owe them a good stable (excuse the pun!) home

That’s exactly what’s holding me back too! Not having control over what happens to her, at least with me I can guarantee she’s safe. It’s such a difficult thing to do isnt it! Hope you and your daughter end up happy with whatever decision you make either way ❤️

It is worth lunging her before you ride, to get rid of some excess energy? How is her feed - is she getting too much energy-rich stuff, or not consistent enough work - eg do you ride every other day and she needs every day?

Reading this my questions would be how old is she and how often is she ridden? This all seems very manageable, just needs work from you (maybe less bedtime stories and more riding!)

I see a lot of people who seem terrified to ride their horses, but spend a long time grooming and staring at them in their stables, vicious circle as when they do ride the horses are either fresher and more excitable or lazy and struggle. Might be worth building up your in hand work to create a bond too.

In an ideal world, I would love to loan her to some teenager at our yard, which would pay for her livery (our yard does many loans/shares). That way we wouldn't lose control of her and we would see her every day. The problem is raising cash for a new horse. The only solution I can think of for now is getting a "project" horse, which would be cheaper but a big gamble.

Anyway, this is all wishful thinking for now.

I’ve been a horse owner for over 40 yrs and we don’t sell anything , that’s our choice and I’m not saying it’s right or wrong to sell a horse on but it’s not something that I could do as to us our horses / ponies are like family pets and you don’t sell your pets . WRT whether you should sell your horse I’d say give it a bit longer as it can easily take a year or more to really click with a horse IMO .

I've had horses for 40 years and in that time only sold on 1 as we just didn't click. The others have all stayed with me until the end.
For the one I sold I exhausted every avenue ie saddle fitting, bit fitting, vet exams, physios, highly experienced and qualified instructor etc but at the end of the day she was just too much horse for me and our personalities clashed. They are too expensive and time consuming to have one that you don't get on with.
I thoroughly vetted the prospective home which turned out to be exactly what she needed and she stayed there until she died at nearly 30 years old.
I hated selling her as it felt like giving up/giving in but it really was the best for both of us. I then went on to buy the horse I have now and he will never be sold or passed on.
So my advice would be to sell her but be 100% honest and really thoroughly vet any homes, stalk their Facebook pages, get recommendations from instructors etc etc. That's all you can really do, once you sell her you have no control over the rest of her life and you will need to accept that.

Thank you 😊 same to you!!

Personally I think it takes a year to really get to know a horse, so I'd give it another 6 months then decide. I also wouldn't blame any horse for being an idiot if they aren't getting any turnout. I've known so many usually sensible horses go loopy after being kept in for a few days. It sounds like there is a lot of good there, and you are able to cope with her naughtiness so I'd stick with it for now.

Definitely sell her - as with people, sometimes you can meet a perfectly nice person and you just don't get on with them for whatever reason. I have never got on with mares - happy to compete and work with them, but I have never yet gelled with a mare. You know pretty quickly whether a horse is going to be a good match for you - and it is not cheap to keep a horse that you are not enjoying - costs the same to have 100% fun times as to have 10% fun times with your horse.

The problems seem very manageable and you seem to like her. Mares can take a very long time to really settle in a new home and bond with a new owner so I do wonder if it is worth giving yourselves a bit more time while also considering whether there are management changes that could help you improve the ridden situation.

However if you really aren't enjoying her then sell honestly to a good home. The horse world needs people to sell otherwise how can anyone buy an experienced horse?

Have you spoken to the previous owner? Do they want her back? Do they have any ideas about the behavioural changes? What has changed since she came to live with you? Would they help you? Maybe come and see her and see if they can spot the issue?

If you have a good bond on the ground I would seriously look at changing her feed/routine to see if you can get her to be a bit calmer under saddle. Finding a sound nice horse is such a challenge that if you have one that is 80% right there's a high chance that you are better with the devil you know and working on the things that aren't quite right.

I’ve also never heard of bedtime (or anytime) stories being read to horses & I spent my youth in a yard/stud filled with the most spoilt and pampered show ponies 😂

I’d reluctantly sell as well - you can’t fake chemistry and both of you would be happier and thrive within a bonded partnership.

The bond with the horse is really important as you know, and no amount of Gruffalo stories will force that “click”.

I always go back to ‘it’s too much time and money not to enjoy it’

if she’s not the right horse - sell it.

I’ve said about 30 times how much I love her to bits! And she loves me too. We just don’t ‘click’. It’s hard to explain but fellow horsey people will know exactly what I mean- you can both love each other and get on well but you just don’t click as a partnership to ride

I've been around horses most of my life and I don't quite get what you're saying. It does sound as if you've got very attached without really enjoying riding her, is that it? I'm currently helping a friend of mine with a horse that she's selling. People keep saying he's perfect for me, but he isn't. He just has some personality quirks I don't really enjoy, but I think he'll be perfect for someone. If I could afford 3 or 4 horses, he would be one of them. But I can only afford one at a time, and he isn't that one.

It sounds like you should sell her, but take your time getting the right home for her. As regards naughtiness, it's not a word I use either. It's a very human concept. Horses do what they do. They don't have an idea of being naughty, as far as behaviourists can work out.

Just sell her, telling prospective new owners exactly what she's like.

Perhaps she doesn't like being ridden. Maybe she is happy in her luxury stable and turn out and you wanting to ride her disturbs her routine. It's an odd concept owning an animal so you sit on it and make it go places.

I sympathise. I kept one naughty one way too long, for all the reasons you describe ( not wanting to lose them/lose control/feel a failure/feel mean) but it wore me down and I lost alot of confidence trying to over come what was a mismatch.....in Riding....everything else, stable manners, on the ground, travel etc was a joy...he was the sweetest horse but, he was too much for me under saddle....and way too big....eventually a friend asked to loan him for her 17 yr old daughter who was not one bit worried about his ridden work ( he just napped and then dropped you whenever the mood took him despite alot of training and dressage trainers helping)

So hes now been with my friend and her now much older daughter - after 25 years - and is now 32 - and is happily retired after a new career in ODE - I went on to actually find my own horse of a lifetime, a lovely DWB who I got to Advanced - and had him PTS a year ago aged 28 after a laminitis battle. Have now hing up the boots!

FWIW.....and I hear of this alot now - could you put her out 24/7? Well rugged when needed....it can make the hugest difference....literally turn her away for 3-4 months and bring her back in into work ? Literally turn it round mix it up and have another go.....you could read her stories in the field :)

Wrong place to ask really, you'll get a ton of folk who don't get it.

I think if you're sure these issues were not present before you bought her, then those issues are a symptom of some part of the change in ownership - perhaps you can't offer the routine she likes, perhaps the way you ride is not the way she prefers to be ridden, ultimately, something about living with you is not suiting her and if you're not up for changing that (and I am by no means saying you should be) then the logical solution is to sell her to someone who meets her needs more closely than you do.

A horse is bloody expensive and a lot of time, you need to enjoy what you're doing and if you aren't... bit pointless really!

Yeah it’s a really odd concept, expecting to sit on and ride your horse. Thanks helpfulperson

if you can’t keep her then you could sell her on the proviso that she comes back to you if any issues whatsoever or if they ever decide to sell her.

Can you not do this with horses? That is exactly what the dog rescue place we use make prospective owners sign.

It can take a horse anywhere up to and slightly over a year to settle into a new home. You've been at it 6 months. If it's just low level naughtiness, stick with it, reassess what you are doing and persevere.

Ask the old owners for advice, usually they will be happy to help.