Selling a horse- AIBU

[Raspberrycrumble]

Got a new horse 6 months ago. Not my first horse so I knew what to expect and I’m not a novice, but she’s been much harder work than originally expected. I’m not saying she was missold because the previous owners genuinely didn’t have these issues, but I’m getting a bit tired of it all now. Nothing awful or dangerous just low level naughtiness and as much as I’ve tried to tell myself otherwise, I feel like I need to be totally honest and say I just haven’t clicked with the horse in the way I hoped to. The dentist, farrier, physio, saddler and all the usuals have been out. The horse is fine, she’s just naughty and has lots of bad habits which I know can be fixed but that’s not what I was hoping for when I bought her and not what I paid for.

so my AIBU. Do I accept we just haven’t bonded and sell her on? I think if I persevere I’ll produce a really nice horse in the end, but I wasn’t looking to produce. I don’t want to quit and have everyone talk shit about me that I couldn’t cope with the horse- I absolutely can, I just don’t want to and it’s not what I paid for or wanted. And I know some people will say to give it longer and I know they’re right, but equally it’s been over 6 months now. Obviously behaviour changes and not ‘clicking’ is just part of the risk of buying, and I don’t want to give up or quit too early, but at what point do I just accept it’s not the horse for me.

sorry for rambling, a bit tired and fed up after yet another difficult week. Basically just looking for advice or reassurance from anyone who’s been in a similar situation!

I was always told it takes two years to get to know a horse and I'd say that's about right.

My horse was very challenging for the first 6-9 months I owned her, and I say that as an owner with decades of experience of not only my own horses but of handling/riding plenty of others. It was extremely hard work and there were times when I wanted to give up but I persevered (with my trainer's help) and I'm glad I did. Only you can decide whether the work is worth it in your situation but it's worth remembering that all horses are hard work at times. Problems develop and need to be resolved, you get out what you put in etc. etc.

(And yes, I'd have this moved to the Tack Room)

Yeah i actually had wondered about turning her away for a while and just giving her brain time to restart and then slowly bringing her back in to work! It’s so stressful isn’t it, you want to do the right thing for them but you have to know when they’d be happier somewhere else! So glad you got a lovely home for your boy!❤️

How can a horse (or any animal) be naughty?

Actually... have you ever kept her on a track/paddock paradise system, out most of the time and having to wander about to get food, drink, shelter.

Of course if your yard doesn't permit that, its not easy to achieve, but I have some some horses really settled down in their work when their leisure time is much more natural.

Don’t buy a horse, let it bond with you and then ditch it? Don’t treat horses as commodities but as animals who have their own feelings, needs and can suffer and feel stress? As loads of PPs have said horses take a while to settle in. She’s going to go through that whole process again with someone new. And then possibly again. And again. All for the whims of humans who use them for their own entertainment. Poor creature.

I’d probably keep her, but then I’ve got my own facilities, the costs would be a lot less , she wouldn’t be my only horse , and I don’t mind something a bit challenging .

If I were you , I’d probably sell her , although I’d do my best to vet the home she went to . Some horses you just don’t click with , and there’s no shame in that . Riding is supposed to be enjoyable after all , and when the costs of it are going orbital , there’s nothing more dispiriting than working all hours to finance a hobby that ends up making you miserable and stressed . I’ve had horses that were perfectly nice , I just didn’t click with . Ended up swapping one with a neighbour so she got my bit too sparky Warmblood which she now events with , and I got her mum’s cob , which her mum couldn’t ride anymore and which suits my daughter down to the ground . Don’t worry about what others think . They don’t have to live in your headspace .

You clearly love her - i would stick with her. Can you lunge before you ride to get the tickle out of her feet?

It's not the same, but my rescue dog took 8-10 months to really settle in. New place, new people, new routines. It's a big adjustment for animals who generally like routine.

I would say if she's feeling silly or hoppy, change your plan. Do lots of work in walk, loads of manouevring, get her listening to you and end on a good note, even if it's been 20 minutes and you wanted to ride for an hour. Nobody says you have to trot, canter or jump. Do what feels right to you while you're actually riding her you might plan to do something but she's not feeling it - so do something else. She needs to enjoy it too. Change it up, so she doesn't get bored and start making her own fun. Honestly being so good to hack and no physical concern i think you'll struggle to find something as straightforward as what she sounds. She's not trying to chuck you off or bolting. You just havent got the measure of each other yet. Plus there's no guarantee you will click with your next horse either.

If i were you I'd give her a year, then decide.

Don’t take this the wrong way but you clearly know nothing about horses so I don’t really want your opinion 🥴 she’s not being used for anyone’s entertainment but thanks for your concern

Thanks for all the advice, we’ve actually been doing a lot of lunging and it’s helped a lot as she was rushing transitions and basically taking off but she’s a lot better with that now. I’ll make sure I keep lunging each time before we ride as it definitely helps take the fizz out her too.

She’s so much fun in so many ways- you can take her for a gallop and be completely safe with her and she’s done XC schooling and is used to coloured and rustic fences. She has a lot of amazing features, it’s just hard when I’ve got that feeling that we just don’t ‘gel’ x

By those standards my rescue dogs ought to have stayed in their previous, bad, homes? Sometimes a different home is much better. I know plenty of people persevering with horses that are just not right for them, when they’d all be better finding better matches. For them and the horses.

I am not a horsey person but I am a dog person and I know once someone’s got a certain state of mind about a dog then things won’t ever change.

You have made your mind up that you don’t clock with her and the longer you keep her the more you’re going to feel this way.

I would definitely let her go to a good home who loves her naughtiness and doesn’t mind a bit of a project.
I genuinely thing it’s the best thing for both of you.

So you’re choosing what’s best for her and only her? Come off it, you’ve got a horse cos it’s your hobby. Aka entertainment.

Err don’t be daft. If nobody got pets for the wrong reasons you wouldn’t have the massive numbers of dogs going into rescue.

What do you expect would be different if you did 'gel'?

Why do you think you don't 'gel'?

It seems to me that the only issue is a bit of manageable bouncing around at the beginning of a schooling session, is that right? You feel safe when it matters, on the road, in open spaces etc? If so that doesn't sound like a personality clash or relationship issue, it sounds like a management issue of some kind especially if she wasn't like this in her last home, although it could be a schooling issue or tack/feed/saddle issue.

I'd start by cutting feed drastically (and remove things that might fizz her up or which she might be reacting to), increasing turnout (preferably not on rich grass), increasing frequency of work and adding a calmer. Then I'd get some lessons and then a second opinion on the saddle if still not settling under saddle.

She’s so much fun in so many ways- you can take her for a gallop and be completely safe with her and she’s done XC schooling and is used to coloured and rustic fences. She has a lot of amazing features, it’s just hard when I’ve got that feeling that we just don’t ‘gel

I actually think you'd be a bit mad to get rid of a safe horse that you can go out and do whatever you want on, because of the feeling that you don't gel. That's such a nebulous concept. Perhaps you need to really examine what about her isn't measuring up to your expectations? When you meet a new person, do you become best mates within 6 months? Or does it take longer to build a bond with them?

Let go of your preconceptions and really look at the horse you've got. Do a pros and cons list. It sounds to me like the pros list will be a mile longer than the cons list which is just "we don't gel".

I dunno i just think you haven't given her enough time.

It doesn’t sound like there’s any issues? She sounds like a cracking horse. What else would you be looking for?

the bond needs to come from you putting effort in over a sustained period of time.

OP, you’ve said she’s not your first horse. Do you mind if I ask what ended your partnership with your previous horse? IME it’s hard to click with a new horse if you’re still mourning or feeling regret about an old one (a bit like men 😭)

She sounds like a lovely horse with pretty much only one issue which is just a bit of excitement at the beginning of lessons.

I agree with PP that you need to give it time - it takes a while to bond with a horse. I can't afford to have my own, but I've split care for one with his owner for seven months now. I'd say that it's only in the last couple of months that I've started to feel a bond with him and that he's been excited and keen to see me everyday.

Previously, although he was nice and well-behaved, we never "clicked", but recently we have and I feel like our relationship has changed.

I would give it another 3-6 months before you make any decisions.

Sell her but be prepared to take a loss if she naps. Buy a gelding instead! I could not be bothered with a moody mare.

This is very true, I know a few people who have struggled to bond with a new horse after a special one, even if there was no tragic ending. Sometimes it is just a case that the new horse isn't and can never be the old horse.

The other thing is to try not to romanticise "the bond". I read a great social media post about how much unnecessary pressure riders put on themselves because of unrealistic expectations around "the bond".

How old is she? I've got a 6 year old Knobcob. He's mostly lovely but has his knobber moments. It's due to his age. It's been a huge learning curve but he is maturing and will come out the other side. I suppose difference is I luffs him despite his twatish tendencies so we battle on.
They are big expensive pets. If you're not feeling it then perhaps selling might be best option. However buying horses is always a minefield and lottery combined. No guarantee the next one will necessarily be better. Have you considered schooling livery or having a professional rider school her. See if they can iron out the kinks? You might change your opinion on her. Knobcob went to boarding school for 4 weeks and has come back a much nicer ride.

Honestly, I think you need to stop thinking about trying to ‘click’ with her. Horses don’t think the same as humans, they don’t click or bond. Sure they may enjoy our company and both my 2 love to hang out with me for a fuss but I’m pretty sure they don’t spend their days in the field thinking about me…

It sounds to me like she needs more turnout. How many hours a day is she getting? And is she turned out on her own?

TBH how you have described her sounds pretty normal really. Most horses won’t be the same every time you ride them- what is her workload like?

At the end of the day it’s an expensive hobby if you’re not happy with her there’s no shame in selling her. There are plenty of good homes out there and she sounds like a nice horse overall.

Put her up for sale. Horses clock with owners. You don't have the bond. Sometimes it never comes

I bought a horse once, soon after my mare whom I'd had for 16 years had died. She was magnificent to look at, jet black and had a real presence. Unfortunately like you I couldn't bond with her. Perhaps too soon after losing my other one. I was lucky as my friend absolutely loved her and she had her. Life is too short. I think you know what you need to do but it's not always easy as you obviously care about her .

I know you have said you have had investigations done but rushing transitions was something a previous horse did.

I thought it was schooling but turned out to be pain related from hock arthritis.

might be with a work up with a lameness vet.