Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friends child hurting my baby

308 replies

CbaThinkingOfAUsername · 20/07/2022 11:45

We are currently on holiday in a lodge. There are 4 adults and 7 kids. One of my friends, let's call her Sarah, has two boys, 7 and 3. I have a 3 month old baby.

My friends child, the 3 year old, is, in my opinion, out of control. He has constant tantrums, if you ask him to do anything, he screams and shouts. He wanted to come to the shops with me yesterday, I had no car seat for him to come so I said to him 'I'm sorry sweetheart but I don't have a car seat for you but I'll bring you back a treat'. Well, he started pulling on and swinging on my car door handle, kicking the car, screaming the place down. I genuinely thought he was going going pull the handle off and do damage. Another time my baby was in his bouncy chair and he began grabbing it and violently bouncing it up and down. His mum told him to stop but he just defiantly looked her in the eye, maintaining eye contact while bouncing it even harder. I had to run over to physically intervene.

Anyway these are just a few examples of his behaviour to give background to his behaviour in general. The situation broke down last night. Her 3 year old boy keeps throwing things at my baby. I don't know if it's jealousy or whatever but he'll pick up hairbrushes, remote controls, just anything and lob them at him. His mum weakly says 'no, don't do that' but he continues. Over and over. I'll be holding my baby and have to turn my back to protect him yet the avalanch of things being chucked at us continues. It isn't just on holiday this has happened. Well the throwing things hasn't happened before but he has threatened to kick my baby and always does sly little things like pretending to put a blanket on him to keep him warm and actually slamming it down on him, hurting him, lying on the settee beside us 'accidentally' moving his legs but actually kicking my baby....etc.

Yesterday it came to a head. I have had to continuously say to the kid, come on 'Paul' (not his real name), come on, stop that, you're going to hurt baby, you can't do that etc etc...but he doesn't care about getting in trouble. Anyway, yesterday, his mum, 'Sarah', confronted me, saying "you're always nipping at him, he's just doing it because he is hot/bored/wanting attention etc". I said yes, that's all very well, but the fact still remains that whatever the reason is behind his behaviour, he is deliberately hurting my baby and he knows what he is doing. She got extremely defensive and it came to a bit of a head. We are OK now but I'm currently packing to go home today (we aren't meant to leave till Sunday) just so that I can protect my baby from this.

I realise that kids do behave badly at times , I realise it's normal but I don't know what level is normal? Is this normal behaviour? I don't have a 3 year old myself so I don't know. Am I being unreasonable by nipping at him to stop? Am I bring unreasonable to expect him to not act like this? As I say, his mum does say 'no, don't do that' but that does absolutely nothing to control or curb his behaviour.

OP posts:
ecaryn · 20/07/2022 15:36

I would say this friendship is not worth salvaging so with that in mind I would be petty and use any remaining time you have there to direct the same behavior back to the mother should anything further occur. If the kid throws anything at you/baby, pick it up and throw it at his mother, etc. See how she likes it.

badhappening · 20/07/2022 15:40

You did the right thing by sticking up for your baby.

Why the f**k she thinks it's ok for your baby to be a 'punch bag' for her kid is disgusting.

This isn't uncommon, and well done for protecting your baby.

Phobiaphobic · 20/07/2022 15:49

I really hope I don't become weak and pathetic even though I am desperate for a baby too.

Thing is, someone has to be in charge, and it really, really shouldn't be the child. There has to be a hierarchy and it needs to be reasonably regularly enforced. If this doesn't happen, everyone suffers, including the child. Children, like pets, thrive with firm boundaries. It makes them feel secure, because, deep down, they know they shouldn't been getting their own way all the time. Basically they need their carers to be in charge, physically and psychologically, until such a time when they don't (and that's not really until they leave home and become independent).

Dreamwhisper · 20/07/2022 15:53

YABU for your attention ever having been focused on the 3 year old rather than his grown adult mother, and as your little one grows particularly if you have more, you'll notice this is fairly normal.

However YANBU to expect the grown adult who is his mother to prevent this!

If he's doing things because he's hot/tired/bored or whatever it was, she should be making him un hot/tired/bored, not let him carry on. Simple distractions work at that age, it's not like she needs to inflict strict discipline on him.

It's just a shame for both of you that your holiday has been spoiled by this.

Moonshine160 · 20/07/2022 15:56

I have a 3 year old DS and some of the behaviour you’ve described can be quite normal. Especially if he’s on holiday and a bit overstimulated, overtired etc, which might explain the escalation in behaviour. It’s certainly the hardest age so far for me.

What isn’t normal is the mum’s reaction to his behaviour. She needs to be physically intervening and removing him from the situation to calm down. Sitting on her bum and saying “don’t do this, don’t do that” isn’t helping. I would be mortified if my child was throwing objects at a small baby.

You’ve done the right thing by leaving.

Trixiefirecracker · 20/07/2022 16:05

It’s not normal behaviour. It’s awful that the mother can’t see that. The boy needs removing from the situation immediately and yes, think I would just call it quits and go home. What does the other mother(s?) there think?

StaunchMomma · 20/07/2022 16:07

I'm so glad you've been honest about why you're leaving, OP. Make sure everyone else knows the reason too!!

I think I'd have to have a conversation in front of the lot of them about what a shame it is you have to leave but as the little bastard Paul is repeatedly throwing things at your baby you have to leave as he could cause serious damage. I'd also say that when you have managed to turn away and the flying items have hit you in the back that they have hurt.

How any parent could stand back and watch their kids act like that is beyond me.

Is she one of those child-led ones who refuse to see accept any wrongdoing in their darling offspring?

SarahSissions · 20/07/2022 16:09

The kid sounds absolutely feral. I wouldn’t see them again to be honest and tell her why

AtwilightRebellion · 20/07/2022 16:09

OP, I called time on a friendship after my own 3 year old was bitten and pushed for the last time by another 3 year old.

The friend did nothing except reluctantly make her dc say sorry then spent 10 minutes praising the dc for saying sorry. Meanwhile my own dc stood there with bite marks on her arms and sobbing.

I suddenly saw the situation through my dc's eyes and felt sick.

We never saw them after that. I wouldn't ever have allowed my dc to be abused by this child again - while the mother stood by and did very little except praise the kid for muttering a sorry.

Protect your baby, fuck the friendship.

Most 3 years olds DO NOT behave like this.

LookItsMeAgain · 20/07/2022 16:33

ecaryn · 20/07/2022 15:36

I would say this friendship is not worth salvaging so with that in mind I would be petty and use any remaining time you have there to direct the same behavior back to the mother should anything further occur. If the kid throws anything at you/baby, pick it up and throw it at his mother, etc. See how she likes it.

You have absolutely nothing to lose by doing this at this point @CbaThinkingOfAUsername . Chuck something at her....something that is heavy enough to do some damage. See how she likes it.

I'd also be sending an email to ALL of the mums (including the ones who were also ineffective in saying/doing something to protect your baby or point out to the dopey mum here that the way her kid was behaving was out of line), stating clearly why you left the holiday early and as you didn't get to enjoy the full 7 days in the location, you'll be looking for X amount (have this worked out before you send the email) from each of them as you don't feel that you should have to subsidise their holiday now too. You're sorry that it has come to this but you were not going to let your baby be target practice for Little Damian (not his real name) and you're significantly out of pocket for the 2 days you did spend there.

Hollywolly1 · 20/07/2022 16:38

Just keep your baby away from him end of, nothing else to add as a little baby needs protecting

Thegroaninggurner · 20/07/2022 16:43

I wouldn't ruin your holidays day over it but I'd make sure I was not in their company, the mother needs to parent her child properly.

godmum56 · 20/07/2022 16:44

LookItsMeAgain · 20/07/2022 16:33

You have absolutely nothing to lose by doing this at this point @CbaThinkingOfAUsername . Chuck something at her....something that is heavy enough to do some damage. See how she likes it.

I'd also be sending an email to ALL of the mums (including the ones who were also ineffective in saying/doing something to protect your baby or point out to the dopey mum here that the way her kid was behaving was out of line), stating clearly why you left the holiday early and as you didn't get to enjoy the full 7 days in the location, you'll be looking for X amount (have this worked out before you send the email) from each of them as you don't feel that you should have to subsidise their holiday now too. You're sorry that it has come to this but you were not going to let your baby be target practice for Little Damian (not his real name) and you're significantly out of pocket for the 2 days you did spend there.

Show quote history

yup even if in reality I don't expect to see a penny back, I'd be behaving as though I did....but I'd be requiring it from Sarah and letting the group know that. its not the other Mums' fault or their responsibility

Holidayworries · 20/07/2022 16:51

How much have you paid for this? Is she going to refund you if you have to go home?

SinisterBumFacedCat · 20/07/2022 16:53

YANBU to leave, not a safe environment for your poor little baby. In my limited experience this is very odd behaviour from the 3yo, if it was a sibling it would be obviously jealousy but he just sounds like an attention seeking bully who is lacking something from his parents. GTFO.

MyBabiesAreCute · 20/07/2022 16:54

Yes. Get thee home and never your holidays shall meet again!

AskingQuestionsAllTheTime · 20/07/2022 16:57

What is Sarah's seven-year-old like? Does little Paul attack his older brother, and if he does what does the boy do about it?

MyBabiesAreCute · 20/07/2022 17:01

I do have a three year old and we drum it into him - always be gentle, always be kind - any deviation from that and he's on the naughty step. He knows it's ok to feel upset, but he cannot hurt anyone. The mum might feel very upset herself, and helpless even, but now is the time to get it sorted with some better discipline (non corporal)

bakewellbride · 20/07/2022 17:01

I had a friend like this and we are not friends any more! I broke things off. Her precious child could do whatever he wanted and that included hurting my little boy. Fuck that.

Bordesleyhills · 20/07/2022 17:03

It’s her job to entertain him/ deal etc....my 3 year old threw a real hissy today - I removed him and talked to him. Yes it’s been hot, yes he’s tired but I’m in control not him

bakewellbride · 20/07/2022 17:03

Also my almost four year old has never once been physical with another child in his whole life and is very gentle so the whole 'it's just what all kids this age do' argument is just a weak excuse.

NewNamePrivacyneeded · 20/07/2022 17:09

"Anyway, yesterday, his mum, 'Sarah', confronted me, saying "you're always nipping at him, he's just doing it because he is hot/bored/wanting attention etc"."

Perhaps you should have suggested mum or dad should give him the attention he so desperately wants then.... rather than mum/dad leaving to others to deal with his behaviours.

SweetsAndChocolates · 20/07/2022 17:12

@CbaThinkingOfAUsername it's unfortunate that you're having to cut your holiday short, but with the possibility of baby getting hurt definitely the right move.

Are there other children amongst the group? How does the 3 year old act with other friends children?

He sounds like he's very much attention seeking, difficult to tell, it may be he's just extremely home sick and just wants to be home, maybe missing his father? Or just bored out of his mind...regardless of the underlying reasons, his mum really needs to get to the bottom of it.

MrsJBaptiste · 20/07/2022 17:18

'Paul' sounds like a little shit.

Glad you're going home OP, maybe the parents will realise their parenting is as awful as their son's behaviour.

LuckyLil · 20/07/2022 17:27

MrsJBaptiste · 20/07/2022 17:18

'Paul' sounds like a little shit.

Glad you're going home OP, maybe the parents will realise their parenting is as awful as their son's behaviour.

I doubt it. Shell probably carry on deluding herself and being a rubbish parent and not controlling him.