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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friends child hurting my baby

308 replies

CbaThinkingOfAUsername · 20/07/2022 11:45

We are currently on holiday in a lodge. There are 4 adults and 7 kids. One of my friends, let's call her Sarah, has two boys, 7 and 3. I have a 3 month old baby.

My friends child, the 3 year old, is, in my opinion, out of control. He has constant tantrums, if you ask him to do anything, he screams and shouts. He wanted to come to the shops with me yesterday, I had no car seat for him to come so I said to him 'I'm sorry sweetheart but I don't have a car seat for you but I'll bring you back a treat'. Well, he started pulling on and swinging on my car door handle, kicking the car, screaming the place down. I genuinely thought he was going going pull the handle off and do damage. Another time my baby was in his bouncy chair and he began grabbing it and violently bouncing it up and down. His mum told him to stop but he just defiantly looked her in the eye, maintaining eye contact while bouncing it even harder. I had to run over to physically intervene.

Anyway these are just a few examples of his behaviour to give background to his behaviour in general. The situation broke down last night. Her 3 year old boy keeps throwing things at my baby. I don't know if it's jealousy or whatever but he'll pick up hairbrushes, remote controls, just anything and lob them at him. His mum weakly says 'no, don't do that' but he continues. Over and over. I'll be holding my baby and have to turn my back to protect him yet the avalanch of things being chucked at us continues. It isn't just on holiday this has happened. Well the throwing things hasn't happened before but he has threatened to kick my baby and always does sly little things like pretending to put a blanket on him to keep him warm and actually slamming it down on him, hurting him, lying on the settee beside us 'accidentally' moving his legs but actually kicking my baby....etc.

Yesterday it came to a head. I have had to continuously say to the kid, come on 'Paul' (not his real name), come on, stop that, you're going to hurt baby, you can't do that etc etc...but he doesn't care about getting in trouble. Anyway, yesterday, his mum, 'Sarah', confronted me, saying "you're always nipping at him, he's just doing it because he is hot/bored/wanting attention etc". I said yes, that's all very well, but the fact still remains that whatever the reason is behind his behaviour, he is deliberately hurting my baby and he knows what he is doing. She got extremely defensive and it came to a bit of a head. We are OK now but I'm currently packing to go home today (we aren't meant to leave till Sunday) just so that I can protect my baby from this.

I realise that kids do behave badly at times , I realise it's normal but I don't know what level is normal? Is this normal behaviour? I don't have a 3 year old myself so I don't know. Am I being unreasonable by nipping at him to stop? Am I bring unreasonable to expect him to not act like this? As I say, his mum does say 'no, don't do that' but that does absolutely nothing to control or curb his behaviour.

OP posts:
paisley256 · 20/07/2022 17:28

Goldbar You've been very restrained. I'd be tempted to say, 'yes, it's a shame our holiday's been ruined because you're such a poor parent you can't stop your child from hurting mine, isn't it.

Yes I'd defnitely be saying this too. Infact I would have asked her after the 1st couple of throws, would you do something to stop Paul trying to hurt my baby Sarah? And if she wouldn't then I'd be making it clear why I was leaving and that I was really pissed off with her lack of effort with Paul.

bowchicawowwow · 20/07/2022 17:31

YANBU. My eldest DC was a bit like 'Paul' and I had a similar situation on a friend group holiday where he ended up hurting one of the other children badly involving a trip to casualty. They were of similar ages and had been bickering. It was absolutely awful and happened while I had my eye off him doing up my shoe laces.

I've never felt more horrified and disgusted by one of my own children so I had some sympathy for Sarah until the OP said she didn't deal with the behaviour and had a dig at the OP. When you have a difficult child you have to be vigilant and not rely on others adapting around you.

When I was in Sarah's position I apologised profusely for my DCs behaviour and said I would return home but they insisted I stayed. DC was made to apologise and they weren't allowed to be within arms reach of each other ever again. It was awkward and I really wanted to go home and I took ourselves off during the daytimes to avoid contact for the rest of the break. In hindsight I should have just gone as it was excruciating. The friendship did recover but only as I took swift firm action which in the OPs case doesn't seem to be happening. The children didn't see each other again.

I think OP is doing the best thing by going home. Holidays with friends and children are never great in my experience due to differences in parenting styles. I've been on holiday with friends again since but always in totally separate accommodation so you can retreat as soon as it starts to grate.

lanthanum · 20/07/2022 17:34

The 3 year old is probably unsettled by the environment - he's used to being alone with doting grandparents, or the baby of the family, and suddenly he's having to share attention with 6 other children. I don't think he's to blame, but mum does need to step up to enforce some boundaries. She probably hadn't anticipated the parenting being harder work than normal, and was looking forward to a nice relaxing holiday, but unfortunately that's not how it works!

Johnnysgirl · 20/07/2022 17:35

2bazookas · 20/07/2022 11:52

This isn't new. You knew the kid and mother before; why on earth did you go on holiday with them!

This!

wordler · 20/07/2022 17:38

The only thing I would have done differently is after the first incident said clearly to your friend "please come and stop your son doing this".

PP was right you have to physically stop an impulsive toddler if they are not listening to your words. So every single time I would have called her out and asked her to physically intervene.

Obviously relations would have probably gone down hill a lot quicker!

ImpartialMongoose · 20/07/2022 18:24

She's not parenting her child. You are. You had no option.

PrayTell · 20/07/2022 18:26

As a retired teacher, I’ll wager that the boy will be a problem at school in a few years, and the mother will continue to be defensive and make excuses for him.

ilikemethewayiam · 20/07/2022 18:28

This is definitely not normal behaviour for a 3 year old. I had a dear friend who who’s 3 year old boy was similar to the one you describe. He would bite, kick and throw stuff at my lovely gentle natured 3 year old. Mum was totally ineffectual in her parenting. She believed in the quiet talking and reasoning approach but it was a total waste of time. He got worse not better. My little boy would end up in tears and didn’t want to go out with them in the end. I had to drop the friendship, he deserved better. He needed to know I heard him & respected his wishes. It’s a shame but he came first.

BlodynGwyn · 20/07/2022 18:31

One of the advantages to getting old is you can see how your friends and family's children turned out.

The children whose parents allowed them to misbehave, because they thought is was normal behavior or they wanted their children to 'like' them, have turned out to be horrible adults. Every last one of them.

These spoiled children are in their mid 30's to late 40's now. Some have criminal records, most are drop outs and all have many failed relationships. They expected their employers and partners to tolerate their bad behavior, just like their parents did.

Do not ignore your children when they are misbehaving. Pay attention to them. You don't have to shout at them.

greatblueheron · 20/07/2022 18:33

Have you told the other adults why you're leaving? Have they seen the behaviour as well? Are they concerned about it or trying to avoid the difficult conversation with his mum?

MummyJ36 · 20/07/2022 18:35

It’s normal for a 3 year old to be jealous of a baby so it’s not really him that’s at fault but his mum really should be nipping it in the bud. It’s not an excuse but maybe she’s not been on the ball and watching what’s going on and has just heard you “nipping” at him and getting annoyed at the way you’re talking to him. Still not your fault at all though. I fell out with out of my bestest friends on a break with kids who have roughly the same age gap. Her little boy wasn’t hurting my DD but he was curious and I felt like I was always watching and she felt that I didn’t trust her son and was making out he was being rough when he wasn’t. It’s a tricky age gap.

Candystripes85 · 20/07/2022 18:36

I have a friend with a 3 year old who is exactly the same as this and my child is no longer allowed to be around them and the kid isn’t welcome in my house. I just meet up with my friend in the evenings when we don’t have the children and this has unfortunately meant that we will never be able to holiday together which is something we would both love to have done. It’s incredibly sad but your babies safety is the priority and as I learnt personally, it doesn’t matter how well you know someone, you don’t know how they will parent until the time comes. Your friend definitely needs to get a grip on this behaviour, I would be mortified if my child behaved this way, but until that time comes I would really recommend just making contact with her when you don’t have the children.

Monr0e · 20/07/2022 18:37

OP, What is her older child like? If you've been friends a long time do you remember if she parented similar with the older sibling, and if they are reasonably well behaved now.

surreygirl1987 · 20/07/2022 18:43

I have a fairly tricky 3 year old and although this does sound very challenging, 3 year olds can be like this. Actually the behaviour sounds exactly like my oldest boy's behaviour towards his baby brother when he was 2 and his brother was newborn- I couldn't leave them alone together and I really thought my baby was in danger from his brother sometimes!

However, his mum should be keeping an eye our and redirecting. You and she should be working together to keep the baby safe actually. The baby's safety must come before anyone's feelings. I don't blame the 3 year old but I do blame the mother for not doing more. I suspect her comments come from defensiveness and embarrassment. Tread carefully, but don't compromise on your baby's safety.

fUNNYfACE36 · 20/07/2022 18:44

CbaThinkingOfAUsername · 20/07/2022 12:01

Well actually no. If you read my post, you'll see that I have stated that the throwing things is completely new behaviour. Yes, he has done sly little things before like put a blanket down hard on him and the odd dig/threat, however the throwing things and bouncy chair incident only happened on holiday. The behaviour has escalated while in the lodge to a point where I don't feel safe, or rather I don't feel that my baby is safe. The blanket, the odd dig, I can control that by keeping a keen eye on him. The throwing things, I can't control if he is doing it from afar.

This escalation in the child's naughtiness is most likely due to him feeling miserable because of the exceptional heat. Poor little mite.
I don t think your baby is at risk.Its a poor do if 2 grown ass adults can't protect a baby from a 3 year-old!

surreygirl1987 · 20/07/2022 18:45

It’s normal for a 3 year old to be jealous of a baby so it’s not really him that’s at fault but his mum really should be nipping it in the bud. It’s not an excuse but maybe she’s not been on the ball and watching what’s going on and has just heard you “nipping” at him and getting annoyed at the way you’re talking to him. Still not your fault at all though

Agreed

surreygirl1987 · 20/07/2022 18:47

This is definitely not normal behaviour for a 3 year old. whoah, you do realise there is a huge range of 'normal' at this age don't you? And that not all children have to be like your 'good natured' 3 year old to be considered within the range of normal? 🙄

AskingQuestionsAllTheTime · 20/07/2022 19:01

fUNNYfACE36
I don t think your baby is at risk.Its a poor do if 2 grown ass adults can't protect a baby from a 3 year-old!

Point a, a remote thrown hard can do a fair bit of damage, to an adult let alone to a baby.

Point b, it isn't two adults, is it. It is one adult holding her baby to try to keep him safe from missiles and thus unable to take simple physical action and remove the aggressor from the scene, and one useless prannet wimping about saying "don't do that, Paul" in a feeble way but not doing anything about it apart from complain when the baby's mother quite reasonable tells the brat to leave the baby alone.

TowerRavenSeven · 20/07/2022 19:04

Yanbu. I had something similar and the mother acted like I was unreasonable. I honestly don’t care, you have to look out for your baby, no one else is going to!

Emotionalsupportviper · 20/07/2022 19:10

Herejustforthisone · 20/07/2022 13:51

I’d have shouted something along the lines of “control your little shitbag, you ineffectual twat”, if someone repeatedly allowed their three year old to deliberately target my child.

So you’re probably doing better than me.

I was also thinking that there would be Very Bad Swears coming from me.

And I would be very firm about keeping hm away from the baby.

I wouldn't go home though - I'd make things uncomfortable for her. And I would take every toy off that kid the mine he started throwing anything if she didn't. ("Are you gong to take that off him or do you want me to?")

And ignore any tantrums. This is not acceptable behaviour, even from a 3-year old. In my experience most small children do their best to be very gentle with babies when it is explained to them how easily hurt they are.

Emotionalsupportviper · 20/07/2022 19:11

*the moment, not the mine - sorry

mad angry typing 😂

Emotionalsupportviper · 20/07/2022 19:15

lanthanum · 20/07/2022 17:34

The 3 year old is probably unsettled by the environment - he's used to being alone with doting grandparents, or the baby of the family, and suddenly he's having to share attention with 6 other children. I don't think he's to blame, but mum does need to step up to enforce some boundaries. She probably hadn't anticipated the parenting being harder work than normal, and was looking forward to a nice relaxing holiday, but unfortunately that's not how it works!

They should be the ones going home, then.

That child will make everybody else's holiday a misery because he will still tantrum when he doesn't get his own way.

User839516 · 20/07/2022 19:26

I have a just turned 3yo (and a 5yo so not my first rodeo) and no this is absolutely not normal behaviour!! I would be mortified if my DC threw anything at anyone, let alone a hard object at a tiny baby! Good grief. Your friend needs to grow a backbone or she’s going to have serious trouble on her hands. Speaking from experience, my brother and his wife do not discipline their children and nobody in my family wants to spend any time with them any more. Their children do not get invited places so they really are failing their own children as well as pissing everyone else off too!

Original poster
CbaThinkingOfAUsername · 20/07/2022 19:32

fUNNYfACE36 · 20/07/2022 18:44

This escalation in the child's naughtiness is most likely due to him feeling miserable because of the exceptional heat. Poor little mite.
I don t think your baby is at risk.Its a poor do if 2 grown ass adults can't protect a baby from a 3 year-old!

Show quote history

What practical, realistic advice would you have to ensure that a baby won't be hurt by a child who decides, out of the blue, to lob random objects at said baby. There are times that we are going to be in the lodge together ie some mealtimes, bedtime etc. Bar taking the baby out of the situation?

OP posts:
MyrrAgain · 20/07/2022 19:39

I'd be mortified if any 3 year old of mine did this and would have been straight over stopping it every time. You're 'nipping' because she is doing fuck-all in stopping him harming your baby. Of course you're going to step in. And it's not nipping, it's protecting your baby! Tell her u clearly have different opinions but your job is to protect baby and so yes you will step in!!