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AIBU?

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Original poster

Friends child hurting my baby

308 replies

CbaThinkingOfAUsername · 20/07/2022 11:45

We are currently on holiday in a lodge. There are 4 adults and 7 kids. One of my friends, let's call her Sarah, has two boys, 7 and 3. I have a 3 month old baby.

My friends child, the 3 year old, is, in my opinion, out of control. He has constant tantrums, if you ask him to do anything, he screams and shouts. He wanted to come to the shops with me yesterday, I had no car seat for him to come so I said to him 'I'm sorry sweetheart but I don't have a car seat for you but I'll bring you back a treat'. Well, he started pulling on and swinging on my car door handle, kicking the car, screaming the place down. I genuinely thought he was going going pull the handle off and do damage. Another time my baby was in his bouncy chair and he began grabbing it and violently bouncing it up and down. His mum told him to stop but he just defiantly looked her in the eye, maintaining eye contact while bouncing it even harder. I had to run over to physically intervene.

Anyway these are just a few examples of his behaviour to give background to his behaviour in general. The situation broke down last night. Her 3 year old boy keeps throwing things at my baby. I don't know if it's jealousy or whatever but he'll pick up hairbrushes, remote controls, just anything and lob them at him. His mum weakly says 'no, don't do that' but he continues. Over and over. I'll be holding my baby and have to turn my back to protect him yet the avalanch of things being chucked at us continues. It isn't just on holiday this has happened. Well the throwing things hasn't happened before but he has threatened to kick my baby and always does sly little things like pretending to put a blanket on him to keep him warm and actually slamming it down on him, hurting him, lying on the settee beside us 'accidentally' moving his legs but actually kicking my baby....etc.

Yesterday it came to a head. I have had to continuously say to the kid, come on 'Paul' (not his real name), come on, stop that, you're going to hurt baby, you can't do that etc etc...but he doesn't care about getting in trouble. Anyway, yesterday, his mum, 'Sarah', confronted me, saying "you're always nipping at him, he's just doing it because he is hot/bored/wanting attention etc". I said yes, that's all very well, but the fact still remains that whatever the reason is behind his behaviour, he is deliberately hurting my baby and he knows what he is doing. She got extremely defensive and it came to a bit of a head. We are OK now but I'm currently packing to go home today (we aren't meant to leave till Sunday) just so that I can protect my baby from this.

I realise that kids do behave badly at times , I realise it's normal but I don't know what level is normal? Is this normal behaviour? I don't have a 3 year old myself so I don't know. Am I being unreasonable by nipping at him to stop? Am I bring unreasonable to expect him to not act like this? As I say, his mum does say 'no, don't do that' but that does absolutely nothing to control or curb his behaviour.

OP posts:
Sockwomble · 20/07/2022 19:41

There is a lot of fussing about 'normal' on this thread. The actual issue is that the behaviour isn't safe.

girlfriend44 · 20/07/2022 19:44

She wouldn't put up with it if the boot was on the other foot.

A mother's job is to protect her baby. I would get out of there too.

daretodenim · 20/07/2022 20:13

Like others have said, his behaviour is unsafe and she's unconcerned.

Her friend has to leave her holiday early due to her son's unsafe behaviour and she'd rather that than stop the unsafe behaviour.

YADNBU and I'm sorry that your friend would rather her kid throw objects at your baby than make sure your baby is safe.

SillySausage81 · 20/07/2022 21:20

fUNNYfACE36 · 20/07/2022 18:44

This escalation in the child's naughtiness is most likely due to him feeling miserable because of the exceptional heat. Poor little mite.
I don t think your baby is at risk.Its a poor do if 2 grown ass adults can't protect a baby from a 3 year-old!

Show quote history

But that's the whole point though isn't it - the second adult is doing sod all to protect the baby... actually worse! She's getting annoyed when the baby's mother tells her child to stop hurting the baby.

Original poster
CbaThinkingOfAUsername · 20/07/2022 22:06

Sorry, long drive home and that's us just back. Thank you for all the advice and perspective, I'm exhausted and off to bed but will read through all the replies in the morning!

OP posts:
surreygirl1987 · 20/07/2022 22:06

There is a lot of fussing about 'normal' on this thread. The actual issue is that the behaviour isn't safe.

Yep!

CrapBag39 · 20/07/2022 22:09

YANBU OP ignore the bull shit replies you’ve had about this behaviour being normal. She wasn’t parenting her child so you had to step in to keep your baby safe. She got defensive because the truth hurts. You did nothing wrong.

Meraas · 20/07/2022 22:13

I think there is a covert ‘boys will be boys’ tone to this thread.

The only ‘poor little mite’ in that house was OP’s baby and well done to OP for protecting her baby by removing it from that situation.

momonpurpose · 20/07/2022 22:24

Agree with above comment OP you are doing the right thing. I'm sure this will not be the first or last time people stop spending time with her and her child. Ignore anyone who disagrees with you I'd bet they also parent like your friend

Tigofigo · 20/07/2022 22:34

bakewellbride · 20/07/2022 17:03

Also my almost four year old has never once been physical with another child in his whole life and is very gentle so the whole 'it's just what all kids this age do' argument is just a weak excuse.

No one is saying ALL kids do this.

I have one child who has never hit another and barely tantrummed ever.

I have another child who had severe tantrums / meltdowns sometimes hours long and lashes out physically.

Same parents. Same parenting. If you've not had a difficult, violent child of course this won't seem "normal" - to you. Use your imagination!

bakewellbride · 20/07/2022 23:26

@Tigofigo I think you misunderstood my comment - it was about how perhaps the parent of the child who hits could think this, that's all I meant. Sorry to have caused offence.

surreygirl1987 · 20/07/2022 23:38

Also my almost four year old has never once been physical with another child in his whole life and is very gentle so the whole 'it's just what all kids this age do' argument is just a weak excuse

Well good for you....

StaunchMomma · 21/07/2022 14:28

I mean, boys can be generally more raucous/disruptive than girls BUT when you get to the point that your child is repeatedly throwing random items at a baby and the parent isn't dealing with it then sorry but the parent isn't parenting!!

When does that attitude stop? The kid has already kicked other people's cars, thrown things at and tried to kick the baby & the Mum is all 'Don't do that, darling' with NO follow up of consequences when they carry on?!! HELL NO!!!

RockinHorseShit · 21/07/2022 14:37

I mean, boys can be generally more raucous/disruptive than girls

Urgh, no boys are still too often accepted as having a biological get out clause & girls are expected to be "sugar & spice"

It's a load of outdated sexist bollocks

SomeCleverUsername · 21/07/2022 14:54

Both of my children are severely autistic and when they were little I'd never let the oldest hurt the youngest like that, especially when he was a baby!!! Shocking.

RedWingBoots · 21/07/2022 15:11

I mean, boys can be generally more raucous/disruptive than girls

Nope people treat boys and girls differently starting from when they are babies.

Boys who are raucous/disruptive get away with behaving poorly in other areas e.g. hurting other children, but girls who are raucous/disruptive are told off for being raucous/disruptive let alone behaving poorly in other areas.

ChloeIsabel · 21/07/2022 16:02

We’ve been in a similar situation, friends son seemed to keep“accidentally “ hurting my daughter. I caught him trying to smother her with a pillow once, he was 3, she was 1, said he was trying to make her comfy!!!I I had to keep a close eye on him after that as his parents were oblivious to it, it was awkward as they’d been our best friends for years but the friendship had to end as he just kept trying to hurt her when he thought no one was looking (I was) even his mum saw it a couple of times but was never firm enough with him, said he was just playing! My daughter is 25 now and still has a scar on her face where he “accidentally “ tipped her off her bike while his mum was standing next to them, he burst into tears as he knew he’d be in trouble and she ended up making excuses for him saying he didn’t mean to do it. I Had to take her to A & E for stitches.
You’ve definitely done the right thing by leaving and hopefully nipping it in the bud. .My friend made me feel like an overprotective mum but there was no way I could relax with him around her, he was only young but he had a really nasty streak. Don’t know what kind of adult he is.
Congratulations on your baby. You sound like a lovely mum.

Damnautocorrect · 21/07/2022 16:09

StaunchMomma · 21/07/2022 14:28

I mean, boys can be generally more raucous/disruptive than girls BUT when you get to the point that your child is repeatedly throwing random items at a baby and the parent isn't dealing with it then sorry but the parent isn't parenting!!

When does that attitude stop? The kid has already kicked other people's cars, thrown things at and tried to kick the baby & the Mum is all 'Don't do that, darling' with NO follow up of consequences when they carry on?!! HELL NO!!!

No they aren’t generally

Trinity65 · 21/07/2022 16:12

2bazookas · 20/07/2022 11:52

This isn't new. You knew the kid and mother before; why on earth did you go on holiday with them!

Lovely bit of Victim Blaming there !

Trinity65 · 21/07/2022 16:13

YesItIsI · 20/07/2022 11:57

The behaviour from the kid is normal but the mum should be putting a stop to it effectively. It's also normal for a 3 year old to learn a more appropriate behaviour!

No it is not !!

I have had 4 kids and NONE have ever lobbed objects at a baby for gods sakes

Idontknowwhattothink · 21/07/2022 16:15

If she wants to be a shit parent that's her funeral but my god the utter cheek of her telling YOU off for basically defending your baby's safety.

I'm sorry your holiday was cut short, hope you're ok OP.

mathanxiety · 21/07/2022 17:15

YANBU

I would have packed and gone two days ago.

mathanxiety · 21/07/2022 17:20

The behaviour you described is only normal in children whose parents offer a weak 'Don't do that' and never follow through by physically removing the child from the situation or scolding firmly.

Three year olds want above all else to know that there is an adult in charge. The mother of the three year old is not in charge and her child is deeply unhappy. She needs to show her child that she is on top of things.

AskingQuestionsAllTheTime · 21/07/2022 17:50

There was a play by Edward Bond in the sixties which included a scene of throwing things at a baby.

It didn't end well.

surreygirl1987 · 21/07/2022 19:06

The behaviour you described is only normal in children whose parents offer a weak 'Don't do that' and never follow through by physically removing the child from the situation or scolding firmly.

Oh for gods sake. Yes, in this situation that is probably the case from the sounds of it, but don't be judgy to everyone who has a challenging 3 year old!

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