AIBU to send this text message..

[Littlelollipopxo]

We have two DS 7 & 1.5, Currently NC with MIL & FIL and all of partners family, happened in last 12 months and atm there is no intention of reconciliation on either side.

MIL & FIL currently live down south, we haven’t seen them since the Christmas period, which is when the NC with them happeneD, so they haven’t seen either DS since then.

however, they will randomly FaceTime DS’s iPad to speak to them (this has probably happened once a month since Christmas) they don’t text to give a heads up or ask if it’s ok for them to speak (don’t ask if we’re out or their having tea or visitors or whatever)

They did this last night, DS came running over to us with iPad (we had friends over) saying Nanny was on phone, I said ok go and sit inside so you can speak to her properly (phone call lasts about 5 mins then that’s it till next time)

would I be unreasonable to send a text asking for a heads up when they plan on FaceTiming, or do I just let them keep randomly ringing?

I get we don’t speak atm and for context I have never stopped them speaking/seeing DS’s neither has partner they have simply chosen not to and have 8 other grandchildren who they still see etc.

so yeah thoughts please:)

Well sure, it’s reasonable but then you’re not nc anymore, right?

Why do they need a set time to call? If it's not convenient you/DC just don't answer, surely?

Put their iPads on silent or DND when it's meal times or whatever. Other than that there's no issue.

5 minutes once a month doesn't seem much anyway. And I assume your friends are adults and will understand?

"We no longer speak to our inlaws due to an unspecified but terrible falling out. But it's fine to allow them totally unsupervised contant with out 7 year old, isn't it?"

FFS OP.

Why on earth would you allow people who you have gone no contact with to have a relationship with your DC? If you can't have a relationship with these people for whatever reason, then I don't understand why you would want them in your DCs lives.

Well the beauty of a phone ringing is that you’re not obligated to answer if if you’re otherwise busy. So if they call, your child is busy, they just won’t answer it.

It seems to be a really odd modern thing of checking that it’s ok to call ahead of calling. Surely if someone is busy they just don’t answer.

@KettrickenSmiled
confused, this isn’t from my post?

"Hi, inlaws/parents who we no longer speak to. Can you please make sure you only facetime Johnny between 5 & 6pm? Thanks so much, love you! Oh whoops - no we don't!"

Your 7yo has a device that people can video call him on? Have you got settings in place so only approved people can do this?

If this was happening, say, every week then I'd ask they let us know when they will be calling however as it's only once a month I'd not say anything about it.
It will just make you look awkward and petty so don't lower yourself to that.

This. Why on earth are you allowing this. Your children don't owe them anything and if anything you are facilitating a very dysfunctional relationship.

It’s not the checking before calling, it’s that we don’t talk to them but they just randomly FaceTime when they feel suits, DS usually answers before I have time to say hang on etc.

I don’t want to be labelled as the bad one for not allowing them some sort of relationship with the DS, they’ve done nothing to them directly,m

Yes, you do seem confused.
Do you not understand what NC means?

Why are you allowing people you no longer speak to to have unsupervised chats with your young child?

@fuzzkin only me , dad and MIL have his email to do this

@KettrickenSmiled their not completely unsupervised im
on the room just not in camera view, can hear everything being said and it’s just hello how was school how’s football etc.

i

Wow you’re being really horrible to the poster. She knows full well why they fell out and if it’s safe for them to talk to the kids, there is no need to attack her.

Just block them on your DC's devices. If something so bad had happened that I or my partner cut out our parents, I probably wouldn't want to facilitate a relationship between them and my child

If you are not talking to them, you don't need to worry about whatever labels they choose to give you. NC means you stop allowing this shit headspace. You are not NC - you are allowing them to contact your child, & wondering about facilitating contact so that you can control the timing of that communication with your child.
This is NOT how NC works.

If you are not talking to them, it must be because they did or said something terrible.
So why are you exposing your child to risk of the same?

Block them on your son's ipad if you feel that strongly about their behaviour.
I cannot fathom why you allow this.
What behaviour is bad enough for 2 grown adults to go "NC" but not bad enough to stop the alleged perpetrators from communicating with your child?

I would just leave it as it is. You’ve not said they pose a risk to your children so why do you want to control call times.

if you’re out your out and then your child won’t answer.

don’t overthink it.

I agree, it's crazy to me the amount of shit people get just for making different decisions to what some commenters think they should.

Ultimately if the OP believes it to be in the best interests of her children to still have contact with their GPs then that is her decision alone, she hardly deserves a load of crap for it from folk that haven't a clue about her situation or the circumstances.

@KettrickenSmiled not being drawn into anything here, simply asking for opinions so thanks

@Beercrispsandnuts @Veebees26 thanks both

Do you not imagine that the 7 year old wonders why mum & dad no longer speak to or see his GP's?

Do you not wonder why a SEVEN YEAR OLD has access to a device that people can randomly facetime him on?

If OP cannot manage a relationship with her inlaws, why is she inflicting one on her child? And why does he have the facility for unsupervised facetime calls on his ipad?

This. I never cease to be amazed by the number of people on Mumsnet who are NC with family members for really good reasons but still allow them access to their children to do all the same shit with them