AIBU to send this text message..

[Littlelollipopxo]

We have two DS 7 & 1.5, Currently NC with MIL & FIL and all of partners family, happened in last 12 months and atm there is no intention of reconciliation on either side.

MIL & FIL currently live down south, we haven’t seen them since the Christmas period, which is when the NC with them happeneD, so they haven’t seen either DS since then.

however, they will randomly FaceTime DS’s iPad to speak to them (this has probably happened once a month since Christmas) they don’t text to give a heads up or ask if it’s ok for them to speak (don’t ask if we’re out or their having tea or visitors or whatever)

They did this last night, DS came running over to us with iPad (we had friends over) saying Nanny was on phone, I said ok go and sit inside so you can speak to her properly (phone call lasts about 5 mins then that’s it till next time)

would I be unreasonable to send a text asking for a heads up when they plan on FaceTiming, or do I just let them keep randomly ringing?

I get we don’t speak atm and for context I have never stopped them speaking/seeing DS’s neither has partner they have simply chosen not to and have 8 other grandchildren who they still see etc.

so yeah thoughts please:)

@Littlelollipopxo

if the situation with them is bad enough to go NC with them, then they wouldn't be contacting my kids either, it'll only cause problems going forward. I would block them in DC devices. It might seem harmless enough now, but it won't stay that way, if they're the type of people you need to go NC with.

@WinterMusings
its mainly my DS who is 7, the younger one is none the wiser.

I just don’t want him to be upset in the future that I stopped it, but then he never says to me that he’d like to ring them etc, it’s kind of out of sight out of mind for him

Yeah im another one who is baffled why you would allow access to your children when you’re supposedly NC. It’s bizarre.

Look - if they’re toxic enough that you don’t want them in your life then why would you facilitate a relationship with them for your children?

I have toxic family. They are not welcome in my life or that if my children.

This

Great, just checking. Might be worth seeing if you can block unknown contacts anyway in case of 'spam' calls.

If you want to allow him contact with them then I'd personally want this to be at a convenient, planned time. If you don't, then don't answer.

All a bit confusing op.

So you and dh are nc with his parents, right? You don't communicate with them at all?

Are you happy for them to communicate with your kids? That's the first thing. It seems a bit odd to outsiders that you don't want a relationship with them but you're happy for your kids to speak to them. But if that's how it is then fine.

Assuming you're happy for them to speak then you just want to know if it's reasonable to ask them to text you first?

You can ask if you like, but I see that as a slippery slope to re-establishing communication.

"Hi X, can I chat to the kids now?"
"No, sorry, we're having our tea"
"Okay, is there a good time later? Are you at home tomorrow morning?"
"No, were out at swimming in the morning"
"They're having swimming lessons, that's nice, how about the afternoon?"
Etc etc etc

So I would just go for not answering if it's not convenient. If its only once a month for 5 minutes or so then I'd just let it go.

Starting a conversation with them about when they can/can't call or even sending a text/email is opening up communication
Your nc seems to be going fine for you the way it is right now so why change that?

Do you miss mil/fil? It feels like you're creating unnecessary contact

@User280905 ok so we don’t speak at all now.

they’ve not done anything to endanger our children in anyway, as I wouldn’t allow our children to be at risk of anything like that.

their a very toxic family, if you don’t agree with someone thing you are cast out, as my other half has come to realise you can only be so loyal.

I just don’t like the idea that they FaceTime when convinient for them, then i feel they have to answer or we have to ring back so DS can speak with them.

It’s a strange situation as I just don’t know what to do for the best

sorry my keypad is playing up on phone for spelling mistakes.

Then texting starts it's fine for then to facetime. If it's an inconvenient time tell the kids to tell them they will call back later

@twoandcooplease atm no I’m happy not speaking with any of them, our life has become far less toxic and we both feel very comfortable with the choice we’ve made.

it’s purely the childrens point of view, I just don’t know what to do for the best, so not to cause them any upset for speaking/not speaking to them

Ok so I get that you are happy for the GP's to have the odd conversation within earshot. And I get that if your DS is on his iPad he answers straight away before you can say its not convenient.

If it's a 5 minute call its hardly inconvenient if your 7 year old is already on his iPad. If he is having a meal then he doesn't have his iPad so he can't answer it.

Disable facetime if it's inconvenient at other times or tell your 7 year old not to answer the face time.

If you are NC a with them how are they supposed to ask if it’s an ok time to call?

posted too soon if he misses their calls then when it's convenient you can supervise him calling back for 5 minutes.

If things are so bad with them that you're NC, they shouldn't be talking to your DC at all.

Either sort things out with them or block them. Whichever.

If your happy dc speaking to them then I would just leave it. For the sake if 5mins facetime a month it's not worth getting into it with nc family

@audweb yeah I get that, obviously they still have our phone numbers and I wouldn’t be opening up a gateway for chit chat, we all know where we stand in the not talking club lol

Op you have no idea what gp said to your dc last night because you told him to go inside.

I saw this last night. It might explain why people think it’s baffling you allow NC il’s access to DC
vm.tiktok.com/ZMN9aoThw/

I agree with this. Yabu to not talk to them yourself but let them have unsupervised access to your kids. Either its bad enough to cut contact or not. Sounds more like you're being stubborn.

@Ivyr0se being stubborn in what sense?

So you allow your DC to talk on the iPad with people you describe as toxic? Honestly just don't understand this point of view. Surely short term upset for your DC not talking to them any more is better than the long term effect they will have on your DC.

You are opening up a gateway for contact. It'll start with a small "are we ok to call" then before you know it it'll either be arguments before you've said no or "what would they like for Xmas" "can we pop by and drop a gift off" etc. it'll escalate.

@girlmom21 they still send for birthdays etc, they know our address to send cards to.

@Itsnotwhatitlookslike ok that’s interesting