AIBU to send this text message..

[Littlelollipopxo]

We have two DS 7 & 1.5, Currently NC with MIL & FIL and all of partners family, happened in last 12 months and atm there is no intention of reconciliation on either side.

MIL & FIL currently live down south, we haven’t seen them since the Christmas period, which is when the NC with them happeneD, so they haven’t seen either DS since then.

however, they will randomly FaceTime DS’s iPad to speak to them (this has probably happened once a month since Christmas) they don’t text to give a heads up or ask if it’s ok for them to speak (don’t ask if we’re out or their having tea or visitors or whatever)

They did this last night, DS came running over to us with iPad (we had friends over) saying Nanny was on phone, I said ok go and sit inside so you can speak to her properly (phone call lasts about 5 mins then that’s it till next time)

would I be unreasonable to send a text asking for a heads up when they plan on FaceTiming, or do I just let them keep randomly ringing?

I get we don’t speak atm and for context I have never stopped them speaking/seeing DS’s neither has partner they have simply chosen not to and have 8 other grandchildren who they still see etc.

so yeah thoughts please:)

YABU, it's 5 mins every month. I don't see the issue.

That makes no difference! If someone is a toxic, horrible person who treats adults badly, they are a toxic, horrible person full stop. If someone was horrible to me and my husband, not a chance would I be letting them have a relationship with my dc!

Well you are leaving the DC wide open in the future to encounter their toxicity.

I really don't understand why you would do that.

Also, just wanted to say, I think sometimes feeling you should keep contact for you or your children can be a consequence of having toxic family in the first place. Depending on what’s actually happened, being in a family that treat you badly, makes you feel like you don’t have the right to make these decisions or makes you question everything, often because they’ve spent years not respecting your opinions or putting you down.

It takes a while (and therapy in my case) to realise that you don’t have to have contact or let them see your children.

YABU

If these people are too toxic for you then why on earth are you exposing your DC to them? Block them on the Ipad/DS email address/however they are getting through.

This contact is a way of circumventing your NC and you are allowing it to happen.

Thanks all a lot of food for thought then

You are leaving dc vulnerable to toxic people.. One day soon your dc will have phones. Sneaky relatives can coerce into handing out numbers ime. Don't put your dc in that position op.

Will your MIL be happy that the relationship is limited to a quick chat once a month or will she start demanding more? Will it be harder to stop your DS from chatting with her and meeting up with her when he gets to secondry school and has a phone etc.

If the family are too toxic and awful for you to deal with, don't allow her to do the same to your children. It's insane. Unless you've just had an awful row and would consider reconcilling so you've kept the door open this way.

OP I don't get why you are not completely cutting contact

You say your MIL and FIL play mental games manipulating and upsetting DP and always have done so, so that's why you went NC
Then you let them continue to contact your precious DS's

If they are too toxic for DP and you, grown adults!!, then they are too toxic for your children

I wouldn't let them have any access at all as they'll be working their way into DHCs heads emotionally abusing them too as pawns in their games...

Block them on FaceTime
At that age -7- way before 11-12 no one unscreened should have access to contact your DCs anytime on video chat. I would block all bar favourites (you, DP, their bff) on FaceTime. Block all that side of the family if you've gone NC with all of them

www.imore.com/how-to-block-contacts-facetime-iphone-ipad

If your DCs ask, then be honest in a child friendly way. We didn't like grandma and grandads behaviour as they were never using kind words or kind hands to daddy and I.

NC is NC. If you have decided to stop contact you are protecting yourself. You need to then protect your son.

they have let you and your DP down for what ever the reason is then they will do the same to your son and who is going to be there to pick up the pieces.

This is such an odd thread.

I don't understand why people posting are so confidently asserting that it HAS to be the case that it would be harmful for your in-laws to have contact with your DCs. OP, nobody on here knows your in-laws, only you know them and only you can judge.

It is perfectly possible for adults to behave badly to some people but not others. My grandparents were very poor parents to my mum ('toxic' in todays' language) but were really kind and lovely to me. My mum was NC with them but I had separate contact. I was able to understand from quite a young age that people were complicated. And that's the truth about people. Real life is not an episode of East Enders with goodies and baddies in constant battle with each other.

OP you didn't post for advice about whether you should allow contact with your DCs, you have already decided that you do allow it. And that's fine because only you can judge the situation, not strangers on MN. The dilemma you really wanted an answer to was how the contact is managed. I think you should carry on as you have been. Tell your DCs that they need to tell you every time they get in touch and that you will decide at that time whether to answer, delay or ignore.

@Horological thankyou it’s not always black and white

Like most other posters I can't understand why you're letting them have contact with your children. Your children are trusting you to protect them, and teach them how to judge people, and behaviour, and how to manage relationships. It's very confusing that you have cut contact (presumably due to much more than a 'fallout') but consider them good people to have in your children's lives. Have you told your children that they must only speak to their grandparents in front of you?

@villamariavintrapp they only speak to them when I’m in the room, I wouldn’t allow them to go off and talk to them

But what if they called when you weren't in the room? By allowing them to speak to your children you're teaching them that these are safe and good people. How will your children know that that's not the case if they call one day when you're out? Or if they bump into them in the street? Your children will not know that the relationship they've built up with their grandparents is only 'safe' because it's been supervised under strict conditions, because you haven't told them that.

I don't understand why you'd let them have a relationship with your children if you aren't speaking? We fell out with my husband's family a while ago, they don't get to have a relationship with our children, absolutely not, our eldest is 6. Why would you allow that? You aren't NC if they are ringing your child anyway. If you are NC block them.

It's hard to know what to say if you don't say what the falling out was about?
You said toxic, but what does that mean?

But can you not see how messed up that is. They treated your mother poorly, but were lovely to you? That’s not the behaviour of lovely people.

If someone treats me badly, they don’t have access to my children. They have the potential to treat my children badly or they may be doing it do manipulate.. It’s not normal. Why be toxic to your children but kind to grandchildren. That in itself is toxic. It very, very fucked up.

Obviously, there’s a world of difference between not getting on with your parents and them being toxic.

You describe these people as toxic, you know at some point it you son disappoints them he'll be cut off.

Why are you letting them have contact with your son?

Also, I think its just another way to control you.

I/we have some experience of this. My FIL is an EXTREMELY difficult man and my DH and his brother often had big fallings out with him when they lived at home. MIL, now dead, was lovely. We had a huge argument with him when we were staying there when our sons were small about 30 years ago. They live in the south. We live in the north. We left immediately and DH didn't speak to his father for a couple of years because of what he had said. We never visited again until about many later and then it was only to stay a night pre a Heathrow flight. FIL wasn't the sort to keep in touch with our boys but MIL was and she continued a good relationship via phone calls and letters. Way before the days of video calls. Our sons are now grown up and have a much better relationship with their grandfather than DH and his brother ever did. He has mellowed somewhat at 90! It would be my advice to allow your son to continue his contact with his grandparents as long as it is positive. I wouldn't have wanted our sons to have missed out on the relationship they have now. They go and stay with him when they are working nearby and, although they also have occasional big rows, they very much value and appreciate their grandad even though we all know he is an awkward old git! 😉

You cannot possibly judge whether someone is a 'poor parent' from a MN post. At no point is he unsupervised and you'd see that if you read the OP's post. He also doesn't have a device that anyone can call him on- just his parents and GP's.
Family situations can be extremely complex, and whilst it can be difficult to understand why you would let your DCs have contact with toxic relations, it can also be harmful to a child's wellbeing if the relationship is cut and they don't understand, in situations where the GPs pose no risk and have conversations once a month that are listened to.

Really no need to be rude and provocative with your words.

you block them, they don't get to speak to your children

@Nursemumma92 thankyou

Given it's a rare call I would think you were looking for an argument to do send that text. If it's not a suitable time to accept a call then I assume your child wouldn't have their ipad? On another note why on earth do you permit contact with people who you believe are toxic? Eventually they will be toxic to your son and/or in a couple of years you won't be beside him all the time to hear what's going on. We are NC with MIL and that would include my DC until they were old enough to make their own decisions

Change his email address, keep it private (you and DH) and block them.

If they don't want to speak to their SON then why should they have any access to their Grandson?