AIBU to send this text message..

[Littlelollipopxo]

We have two DS 7 & 1.5, Currently NC with MIL & FIL and all of partners family, happened in last 12 months and atm there is no intention of reconciliation on either side.

MIL & FIL currently live down south, we haven’t seen them since the Christmas period, which is when the NC with them happeneD, so they haven’t seen either DS since then.

however, they will randomly FaceTime DS’s iPad to speak to them (this has probably happened once a month since Christmas) they don’t text to give a heads up or ask if it’s ok for them to speak (don’t ask if we’re out or their having tea or visitors or whatever)

They did this last night, DS came running over to us with iPad (we had friends over) saying Nanny was on phone, I said ok go and sit inside so you can speak to her properly (phone call lasts about 5 mins then that’s it till next time)

would I be unreasonable to send a text asking for a heads up when they plan on FaceTiming, or do I just let them keep randomly ringing?

I get we don’t speak atm and for context I have never stopped them speaking/seeing DS’s neither has partner they have simply chosen not to and have 8 other grandchildren who they still see etc.

so yeah thoughts please:)

Yeah so they're still open to contact therefore by initiating it they'll use that little tiny inch and eventually take a mile. I'm just pre-warning you.

As I mentioned earlier, for me the logical step is to put the device on DND when you're busy.

It completely depends what you fell out about I think.

Ffs they facetime once a month. You're being petty and unreasonable. Hardly need an appointment to call. If you're busy don't answer but don't be so dramatic about it. What happened for you to go NC with them??

My point is practical, not about the no-contact thing at all. Generally, until they had their own phone (secondary school starter for our family), I would tell my child to ask before answering any call, especially a video one. That's mainly for my own privacy - one too many times of having to dive back into the bathroom! But from an e-safety point of view, I wanted to set up a principle of pausing before engaging - e.g. when young, never ever answer an unknown call - that's a risk mum & dad can take, not you. And also, my attitude to unexpected phonecalls is not great anyway - I like to choose according to mindspace I have available. Those are my reasons anyway, and they would enable you to make the focus general rather than specific to the ILs.

I would concentrate on this with your sons.

I'd be much more concerned about what they are saying to your young child about you and your partner on these unsupervised calls than getting a time fixed.
Could be dripping all sorts of false and poisonous stuff in their ears.

Why not keep the wifi switched off on the ipad when it is not actively in use? They can't facetime if it isn't connected.

@Gentleness thankyou

I think you are trying to do your best in a bad situation. I would not text them, as that would confuse the NC issue and leave you open to their retorts.

However, I would be concerned that they are having unsupervised chats with your DS. If you're aware of the content of the conversations and are fine with that, then that might be OK. If not, be careful. Or, at least, be prepared for the "why are you so mean to nanny?" questions and situations like "nanny says she wants to take me to Legoland/other treat, why won't you let me go?" which will almost certainly come - because if they are known to be toxic then it's a fair bet that they will be toxic to you through your DS, as he's their chief outlet/conduit now.

Try and head that situation off if you can, without recourse to the NC ILs. It's so hard for a child to understand.

Best wishes to you. x

I think yabu actually, although I understand your feelings.

When I call someone for a chat, I don't first pre-arrange or text to make sure it's convenient for them. Obviously, I try not to call at a time when i think it might be inconvenient, but they're free to a) not take my call, or b) tell me they can't speak just then

Facetime is no different.

YABVU. Unless your in-laws have been abusive or negligent in some way to your children, why would you want to try to control when they can call the kids? It's 5 minutes a month!

@KettrickenSmiled is there something wrong with you? You're being quite argumentative and horrible. Surely as an adult, you have it in you to speak in a civil manner?

What do you want them to do OP?
You don't want them to contact you, as you're NC with them.
You're happy for them to contact your kids.
You don't want them contacting your kids without telling you first, but you don't want them contacting you.
I don't see how they can win?

Uh, so you are saying that they 'damaged' DH so much that neither of you wish to speak to them again. That no contact sounds very healthy from what you have alluded to.
Yet you are allowing them to contact your DCs.
They may not always have been nasty to DH, it had to start somewhere. This could be the start of them damaging DCs, or starting to try to use them as flying monkeys to reel you and DH back into contact with them so their reign can continue.
Just quietly block them, why don't you?
'We don't see people who are not kind to us, sweetie, and sometimes family are not kind at all' - say that when they ask why there are no more calls.
And you can 'return to sender' any cards/gifts if you think that's appropriate.

I was in a similar situation as you OP. My family on my mothers side are incredibly toxic and have done various things over the years that have hurt me deeply.

I gradually went NC with them and went on to have DS a few years later.

My mothers side of the family started sending gifts/cards/texting/asking for pictures/ turning up at the door/ acting as if nothing ever happened. A part of me wondered if it would be so bad to be civil and keep the peace. Then I was reminded by friends of all the hurt and pain they caused me over the years and realised that I was giving them the opportunity to do this to DS in the future.

I feel like In these situations it’s tough though matter what. If you maintain NC then you are judged as turning DC against whoever it is you are NC with. But if you allow them in to your life it can open yourself and DC up to potentially being hurt again.

Realised that I would rather be judged than have my DS go through what I went through. Never regretted it. Life really is too short.

We are nc with my ils.. The reasons valid enough we don't see /speak to them also apply to our dc.
You would do well to heed to do the same op.

This.

@REP22 tha kyou it’s not the best situation so just trying to make it as easy as possible x

I agree.

Children need as many people as possible to love and support them. A difference between the parents and grandparents doesn't necessarily impact on the children.

@Bluebell1990 oh wow people never cease to amaze me!

thanks

You would need to be able to enforce any boundaries you set, so you could let them know via a message that your DS will be available to talk on Sunday afternoons between 3-7pm (or whenever suits), then have their number blocked all of the time and unblock it for the window of time you've selected. If you find it intrusive that they can pop into your home via face time at any time on their terms, this gives them a window of opportunity to speak to your DS that is on your terms.

I am in agreement with others about the confusion around why you would allow these toxic people to still have contact with your children.

Their treatment of you should make your children, when older, be appalled that they treated you that way and question why you allowed a relationship to continue. My own children are adult/almost adult and they would not want a relationship with people who had upset their parents, the people they love the most.

Fast forward to your child being 13/14, they fall out with you, where would they go? To these toxic Grandparents? Would they want to ensure that your children were talked to and returned to you or would they do everything in their power to hurt you and keep your child at their house? I have seen that happen. Not pretty. The child spiralled with no boundaries, no school etc.

That tiktok is interesting isn't it?

They’re toxic enough for you to go NC, yet you let them have access to your children. I don’t think that makes any sense. Surely you must be concerned that the behaviour they’ve shown will at some point be used on your children.

I have no contact with my parents and we made that decision for our children as well. There’s no way that I’m going to let my parents treat my children how they repeatedly treated me. Kids aren’t bothered, they’re old enough now to know what happened over a 30 year period and based on that and things they seen/heard before NC, they have no interest in them.

I don’t understand why you would put your children their path.

I would not expose a child of mine to someone I had to distance from because they are toxic. Restrict your child’s iPad so it will not accept FaceTime calls or iMessage.

@JustHarriet i don’t like the idea of being tied down to a time slot that I feel everyone would need to stick to? Does that make sense?

@JanuaryKeepMe yeah I see what you mean from that point, I would hope that wouldn’t happen as they haven’t showed signs in that way. Just how they’ve treated other half as parents is appalling I think so maybe I’m naive that they’d treat GS better