AIBU to send this text message..

[Littlelollipopxo]

We have two DS 7 & 1.5, Currently NC with MIL & FIL and all of partners family, happened in last 12 months and atm there is no intention of reconciliation on either side.

MIL & FIL currently live down south, we haven’t seen them since the Christmas period, which is when the NC with them happeneD, so they haven’t seen either DS since then.

however, they will randomly FaceTime DS’s iPad to speak to them (this has probably happened once a month since Christmas) they don’t text to give a heads up or ask if it’s ok for them to speak (don’t ask if we’re out or their having tea or visitors or whatever)

They did this last night, DS came running over to us with iPad (we had friends over) saying Nanny was on phone, I said ok go and sit inside so you can speak to her properly (phone call lasts about 5 mins then that’s it till next time)

would I be unreasonable to send a text asking for a heads up when they plan on FaceTiming, or do I just let them keep randomly ringing?

I get we don’t speak atm and for context I have never stopped them speaking/seeing DS’s neither has partner they have simply chosen not to and have 8 other grandchildren who they still see etc.

so yeah thoughts please:)

their not completely unsupervised im on the room just not in camera view, can hear everything being said
Except for yesterday when you told him to go inside to speak to them privately?

To be honest they are probably phoning your child directly as they love and miss him a lot. They maybe don't want to go through you because of the history / tension but still want to be in your son's life. If they are kind to him and you can hear the conversation then I would just leave it. It's already a pretty stressful family situation but if it's only 5 mins and they aren't doing any real harm, just let this one go. If you are genuinely busy then of course don't answer but I think it's more important he sees / speaks to his family than say not missing 5 mins of dinner. I do understand adults can fall out over serious stuff but if the kid isn't being harmed by the contact then it's just a small inconvenience to you. Even if you don't like them, they obviously do still care for your son. Good luck.

@HouseInTheHills it comes across as though I’m exposing my child to their toxic traits in how they treated us through a 5 minute conversation, which I know I’m not.

my question is do I allow them to think they can ring whenever they like and they will get an answer, or I put the boundary in place that they go through me first. If I was to send MIL a message it wouldn’t be one that would open up an avenue for general chat, it would be to the point that she cannot speak to DS when she sees fit and I will make that decision for him until he’s old enough to say look Mom I’d like to ring Nan.

I hope what I’ve just said makes abit more sense.

im not going to go into why we don’t speak to them, as I’ve said before they haven’t done any thing to directly endanger my children, that would be a no brainer

@ArmWrestlingWithChasNDave by go inside we were sat on the patio he was sat on the sofa inside next to patio doors I could hear everything

And it never ceases to amaze me how many people on MN give the dramatic label of 'Going no contact!!!' for what used to be referred to as a falling out between them and a family member, that may have absolutely no relevance to anyone else, including any children.
OP may simply be using this very annoying new term to describe a rift, that Is of no consequence or risk to the children.

@5128gap literally trying to be down with the kids by using the MN terms ha!

I think it’s petty to ask them to check before calling. It also opens up communication again between you and them. If it’s not convenient don’t answer.

I went no contact with my dads wife and all her family not king after he died and if I'm totally honest I was very close to doing it with him but he died. The toxicity ramped up after my Dad died and I just couldn't keep doing it.

Initially I was going to allow contact with my dd and stepmum but only if dh would facilitate and he wouldn't. We discussed it quite a lot before I messaged and told them I was going no contact and why, and DH pointed out that even though she may lose no physical threat, our child had seen the impact on me, she'd seen me quite and withdrawn or tense with anxiety after every single phone call. She didn't have to hear a bad word said to me to have picked up "granddad sometimes makes mummy sad"

And dh was right, if he couldn't have a healthy relationship with daughter and not make her feel like shit or always self doubting her boundaries. Why in earth would I trust them to not repeat it with my child, especially when, if anything, they were worse with age.

If they cast people aside if they don't agree with them then your children will be cast aside too, unless they learn not ti have their own opinions, not to voice their feelings, and without a parent in the picture facilitation contact then it makes it more likely they'll be in the receiving end if any toxic behaviour, and that's still harmful to them without their physical safety having ti be endangered. If your dh has ever felt hurt by them, ever spent time awake wondering why his parents treat him how they do, ever considered just pretending ti feel something he doesn't to avoid an outburst from them, does he want them to hurt his kids too? And what makes him confident they wouldn't if they couldn't even bit be toxic to their own child?

@Cakeandcardio I hear the conversations, they are general catch ups. I think they do miss them a lot, and I don’t want my DS to think he has personally done anything which means they don’t speak to him anymore, it’s not his fault that he’s in the middle of a family call out really

If I was to send MIL a message it wouldn’t be one that would open up an avenue for general chat, it would be to the point that she cannot speak to DS when she sees fit and I will make that decision for him until he’s old enough

This just makes it sound like you want to make some point about who you're in control and she has to toe the line.

@AHamSandwich ive never really thought about it like that,
we have briefly said that nan grandad & dad have fallen out and families fall out etc, and I don’t say to him he should speak to them only if he wants to.

they have cast him aside in the sense that they don’t speak to him regular, but then I always think we’ll we don’t talk to them so their not going to ,
it’s just not knowing what to do for the best

Why change it? It is working. They call and if DS happens to be free on and on his iPad, then they chat for 5 minutes.

This just seems like a power struggle on your end to want them to go through you and all it will do is lead to more conflict.

@girlmom21 do you think?

@Midlifemusings hm, I just think she has the view that she is the grandparent so she will do as she pleases

Yeah I honestly just don't see a way that either you get made out to be the bad guy by the MIL - and she'll say you're controlling your children, your DH etc - or she'll use it restart contact.

You're best off just getting him to check it's an ok time to answer before he does like a PP suggested.

And if it matters, dd can't remember much about my dad ten years later, other than life because a lot less stressful a year after he died. She does remember how I'd be before, during and after every visit or phonecall.

I'm neurodiverse so I don't know if this plays a part but I'd tie myself in knots before hand playing through all the things they could criticise me for, or little digs so that I try and plan a calm response to help me fake not being upset inside so as not to "make a fuss" and it actually makes me sad that dds memories of my Dad and his wife are of me getting stressed and upset and tense. It took him dying to realise just how harmful he actually was to me and in turn, my dd without ever having to so much as lay a finger on her.

There's nothing wrong with pointing out inconsistency & poor parenting.

OP describes her inlaws as toxic & damaging - but she not only allows them to facetime her 7 year old, she is considering breaking her NC in order to communicate when that contact is convenient.

It's insanity.
If the inlaws are too toxic for 2 adults to handle, why is OP exposing her child to them? And unsupervised?

@KettrickenSmiled just to add, I find it amusing that you think you can label bad parenting from one MN post and some comments. Please think before you post in future as by your comments you clearly like to be the only voice in the room.

They’re maybe not at the moment, your oldest is only 7. But if they’re toxic enough for you to have no contact, which is extreme, my opinion is that at some point, your child will get exposed to their behaviour. And it’s got the potential to cause lots of issues, especially in the teen years.

Also, what does it say to your children in future. These people treated their father very badly but he allowed them access to the most precious things in his life. In my opinion they lose that right when they treated their father, who they presumably think the world of, badly. I really would think very carefully about the message you’re sending your children when they’re old enough to understand a bit more. I would imagine they’ll feel very confused.

Having had the conversations with my kids now they’re older about how they feel, would they have liked to stay in touch even though we wouldn’t have etc, my children are very, very clear that they think we made the right decision for no contact with their grandparents for all of us. They are very loyal to me, I’m their mum. I’ve told them the truth and they said they would have been upset for me if I’d put myself through the stress of giving them contact. They’ve also said that when they were told the truth as they got older, they would have gone no contact themselves anyway. They both think I’m really strong for having the self respect to do it.

It’s your decision, but please think it through. If you do continue phone contact, I would absolutely not contact them for any reason. If it’s not convenient, take iPads away. If you truly don’t want contact, don’t contact them, ever,

I have enough experience of narcissistic parents to know that you do NOT expose your own children to them @Littlelollipopxo

You are obsessing over how you can control your MiL, instead of waking up to the fact that she will use all the poisonous tricks she's inflicted on DH on your children.

I'd say that if they're sufficiently toxic that you've gone NC or low contact, they shouldn't be having unsupervised access to your child unless and until your child is old enough and aware enough of the issues to make their own informed decision.

Even with good relations, personally I'd want a heads-up about video calls as there could be a reason why a call might not be convenient or appropriate (eg. no screen time, doing homework, round at a friend's, etc) and then we'd be able to arrange for a better time rather than just leaving a call unanswered with no explanation.

I'd also recommend improving the device's security to avoid un-approved calls, if you haven't already. Digital safety is important and if any random person can contact your child without your authorization or knowledge, that's a risk.

they haven’t done any thing to directly endanger my children, that would be a no brainer

That is a massively low bar. Like many posters, I cannot fathom why you would consider them too toxic to have contact with you and your husband, but fine to have contact with your children. Why are you do keen to facilitate a relationship between your dc and your in-laws if they are toxic?

I think its good of you to allow your DS and them to continue a relationship. It's selfless of you and as you say, they've done nothing to him directly and just because it's not working out among the adults, doesn't mean the kids should get dragged into it.

Plenty of divorced parents don't speak but their children still do - would be pretty controlling to force no contact between kids and their relatives unless abuse is a factor IMO.

Anyway, I'd just ignore it. Seems like a non-issue. If it bothers you, just mute his ipad at dinner times etc.

@HouseInTheHills thanks

@Fairislefandango toxic can be a whole score of things, what I mean is that their actions have been aimed at adults not children.