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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Upset about breastfeeding

164 replies

feelingdown7 · 19/07/2022 21:40

My baby was born on Friday and despite every effort, will not latch on. When she does latch on, it's only for a few seconds and then she comes off again. I have been expressing breast milk using a pump and have been giving this to her and using formula as a top up. This has really upset me as I really wanted to exclusively breastfeed and feel that I am depriving my child of all the benefits of breastfeeding. My mum and husband keep telling me not to put pressure on myself and that it's not the end of the world if she has to be formula fed but I can't help but feel down about it.

Can someone convince me I'm not entirely ruining my child's life by not being able to breastfeed?! 😩

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 19/07/2022 21:44

It’s very early days! Who’s watched you feed? Has your midwife or HV given any advice?

GeekyThings · 19/07/2022 21:44

You're not ruining anything at all, BF is nice, but in terms of a person's life, it doesn't make much difference to either child or parent. Take it easy on yourself, I know there's a hell of a lot of pressure on you to BF right now, but just ignore it and concentrate on enjoying your time with your new baby.

Also - many congratulations to you!

Canihaveacoffeepleasexx · 19/07/2022 21:44

Have you tried talking to the people who deal with breastfeeding support in your area? Can’t remember the term/word I’m looking for but they might be able to offer some help - is baby your first?

presuming at the hospital they checked her over so no tongue tie or anything?

also try different positions- when mine was newborn she couldn’t feed laying across me as she couldn’t latch. I had to have her held next to my side like a rugby ball going kind of under my arm. But it worked. Just don’t give up. Breastfeeding is challenging, mentally and physically but so rewarding. Google some breastfeeding positions to try xx

Crimsonripple · 19/07/2022 21:45

No! I'm a pro-bottle feeder as I hated everything about breast feeding. My son is a happy and healthy 3 year old who has been bottle fed since 2 days old. A fed baby is a much happier baby!

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 19/07/2022 21:46

Your child will be fine either way OP- if you want to breastfeed then do reach out to the support that’s out there. I needed help with my second baby, despite no issues with feeding my first.

Saltnsauceta · 19/07/2022 21:47

Bf is tough. People think of it as being as natural as breathing, but it's not! It's natural like walking - you have to learn how to do it before it becomes easy.
Have you got a La Leche league group near you that you could join? They offer lots of advice and support. If not, there's a country wide one. They offer 1-1 support via WhatsApp/email. It's very common to go from combo to ebf in the first few weeks. Baby may also be struggling due to very young age and heat- try stripping her off before feeding and blow on her/tickle her feet. Best of luck

Hankunamatata · 19/07/2022 21:47

Iv bottle fed and breastfed different babies. Hand down the bottle fed one slept better, no allergies, was a much more content baby. My breastfed ones were fussy, ended with with allergies, didnt sleep. Plus theres no sharing breast feeding.
As long as baby is fed dont worry if its breast or bottle.

MissMaple82 · 19/07/2022 21:48

Breastfeeding guilt is a real thing, are you getting enough support from midwives, HV? but to answer your question no, you ate absolutely not going to ruin your babies life if they end up on a bottle. The grief will pass..

MabelTheCow · 19/07/2022 21:48

Find yourself a local breastfeeding drop in run by counsellors or IBCLC practitioners. Call the breastfeeding counsellor helpline
0300 3300 700 (open until midnight)
Breastfeeding isn’t everything but if it matters to you, it’s worth seeing if you can get some support. The right support makes a massive difference. For something “natural” it isn’t always straightforward

DabS1234 · 19/07/2022 21:50

Amazing achievement to have started and presided with a difficult latch ❤️ not to mention this heat!!! You superstar!

There are so many things that this could be, most fixed easily with support. Do you have a lactation consultant near you? A local Facebook feeding group where you can ask for some support? Alternatively the National Breastfeeding Helpline is good & very friendly....0300 100 0212.

Xx

yorkshireteaspoonie · 19/07/2022 22:01

This reply has been deleted

Not in the spirit

Albgo · 19/07/2022 22:04

Has she been checked for tongue tie?

TheChosenTwo · 19/07/2022 22:05

First and foremost congratulations! A lovely squishy new baby 😀 one of my most favourite things to hear about ever, even if it’s one i never get to meet!
secondly, fed is best. Whatever that looks like, a full tummy is the end goal.
thirdly, I’m glad you’re not being pressured or guilted by others, someone upthread is totally right, it’s as natural as walking but can take time and effort and I totally believe that there are people for whom it just doesn’t work for even after receiving lots of advice and support.
You’re absolutely not in any way ruining your baby’s life for struggling to establish bfing, you’re a wonderful mum who wants to do everything they can for them 💐

quietnightmare · 19/07/2022 22:07

You are amazing 🤩 all can do is your best

AnneLovesGilbert · 19/07/2022 22:07

This reply has been deleted

Not in the spirit

OP gave birth less than a week ago and is having a stressful time. Infant feeding is often emotive, loads of women have been where she is and she’s allowed to ask her questions and air her concerns. It’s not the time for a soap box rant, there are plenty of other places you can do that.

Happytap · 19/07/2022 22:08

Please get in touch with a lactation consultant asap. They can make such a difference and either help get you and baby breastfeeding happily or help you move onto formula without guilt if that’s what’s best for you both.

good luck OP I know it’s not easy - get expert help asap

Littlebee1990 · 19/07/2022 22:08

Please don’t put this pressure on yourself! The first weeks / months with a newborn are challenging enough without convincing yourself you need to breastfeed. I combifed for 6 months as my son was a shocking latcher (I spent sooooo many hours expressing and then finally realised formula was a totally good option!) I got advice from experts who said latch was fine.. 6 months passed and he couldn’t swallow properly with weaning.. turns out he had a 85% tongue tie that was missed!

if you really are adamant on breastfeeding then they’ll be support locally you can utilise but genuinely as someone who was in a similar position a year ago and now looks back and laughs.. cos they all end up eating the same dirt / bugs etc they shouldn’t!

Happy bubba needs a happy Mumma and a full belly.. it really doesn’t matter if that’s boob or formula! ❤️

YouCantBeSadHoldingACupcake · 19/07/2022 22:11

Breastfeeding is one of the hardest things I have ever done. Out of my 8 dc (yes 8) I successfully breastfed 2 of them. As they are growing older I cannot tell the difference in the ones who were breastfed and the ones who were formula fed. My most intellectual dc refused flat out to breastfeed, and wouldn't even take expressed milk. They all get roughly the same amount of illness so assume there isn't much difference in their immune systems. In the grand scheme of things, fed is best. Be kind to yourself.

NotMyDayJob · 19/07/2022 22:12

I didn't feed my baby directly initially, as she was in NICU for a week and then it took us a week or so to get going.

Of course everything will be ok if you don't breastfeed, but if it's important to you don't be ashamed to get more help. I found my local la leche league invaluable

GreenRainbowSun · 19/07/2022 22:15

It's completely valid to feel upset about this. Like other posters say it's worth seeking some expert support? It's possible the problem can be fixed if it can be identified.
That's not to say it will ruin your baby's life if it doesn't work out but might be easier to come to terms with.

Bluehasnoclue · 19/07/2022 22:18

Your feelings are totally fair! So many people make it sound like it’s easy but it’s not, you’re both learning to do something you’ve never done before & it’s very easy to become upset and frustrated too. It could be something as simple as positioning or tongue tie. Also it’s so hot at the moment I’m sure that doesn’t help!

Speak with your midwife for day 5 check & also health visitor too. Check if your local area has any extra support, if not, though expensive I would look at a lactation consultant to help.

if it doesn’t work out, it doesn’t work out, fed is best, regardless of how!

Pandamumium · 19/07/2022 22:22

It is p

supersonicspider · 19/07/2022 22:23

Have you checked for upper lip tie? Mine had this and breast feeding was a nightmare until we eventually realised why he couldn't latch.

ScarlettOHaraHamiltonKennedyButler · 19/07/2022 22:25

I breast fed both of mine and one has asthma and food allergies while the other catches every bug going, I'm not denying that there are benefits to BF but it's not some magic elixir that others claim.

By all means speak to your local BF support (if that is what you want) but if it still doesn't work then just enjoy your baby and bottle feed, don't put the pressure on yourself.

Also OP fwiw your feeding choices feel like such a big deal right now because you have a newborn but no one is going to care how your DC was fed as a baby for the rest of their life. You will blink and they will be starting school and you will wonder what you were so stressed about.

Pandamumium · 19/07/2022 22:28

Oops hit the wrong button.
it is possible to breastfeed after a bad start. I had problems with all of mine but managed to get them to feed. I won’t pretend it was easy, it wasn’t, and I mixed fed, expressed for weeks.
Having said that- bottle feeding will not harm your baby. The most important thing is that your baby is fed and you’re both healthy and happy.
I do understand the guilt and the sad feelings. It’s still very early days. As other posters have said- reach out for any support you can. Good luck.