Upset about breastfeeding

[feelingdown7]

My baby was born on Friday and despite every effort, will not latch on. When she does latch on, it's only for a few seconds and then she comes off again. I have been expressing breast milk using a pump and have been giving this to her and using formula as a top up. This has really upset me as I really wanted to exclusively breastfeed and feel that I am depriving my child of all the benefits of breastfeeding. My mum and husband keep telling me not to put pressure on myself and that it's not the end of the world if she has to be formula fed but I can't help but feel down about it.

Can someone convince me I'm not entirely ruining my child's life by not being able to breastfeed?! 😩

Hi OP, congrats on your new baby!

I couldn't make BFing work with my first, he had tongue tie and even when cut wouldn't latch. He's 5 now and huge and clever and extremely healthy - definitely not ruined! :)

With my 2nd we mix fed because the HVs were concerned about his slow weight gain when EBF. I just combi fed him on instinct, didn't make notes or fret about it (easier 2nd time around!) and made sure he wasn't ever hungry by topping him up with formula as much as he seemed to need. He is 18 months old now and still mix fed - getting lots of comfort and pleasure from the boob, and a bit of breastmilk! But will happily chug a bottle of formula on a hot day like today :)

All of which is to say that this is a VERY emotional time and of course a very emotional experience - you are full of hormones and love this little bub and feel sad that BFing is a struggle - so please be gentle with yourself. For what it's worth, my advice would just be to mix feed for now, and relax and see where your BFing journey takes you. Maybe it'll stop soon, like my 1st, or maybe like my 2nd you'll still be going strong at 18 months!

All your baby needs is your love, and a full tummy, whatever that looks like. Congratulations again

OP please relax.

You ARE doing all the right things.

My DS would only BF from one boob and not the the other. I expressed from that "bugger boob" and in 4 months switched to mixed feeding (formula and boob).

As long as your baby is fed you are being a great mother.

Mixed feeding worked brilliantly for us.

DH enjoyed feeding the LO and I enjoyed the time off!

Honestly it's not as big an issue as some people make it.

As long as your LO is fed you are doing your job as a loving mother

Two things

Id check for tongue tie with a qualified tongue tie practitioner. Midwives do not have anywhere near the same sort of training. Multiple midwives missed my childs tt and that of lots of people I know.

Secondly this is something that seems huge at the time and irrelevant after. You've already pumped which requires super human effort. There comes a point where the stress and effort may not be worth it and that's totally fine. Have you ever heard anyone in your whole life say 'if only my mum had breastfed me a bit longer, then....'? Your baby will be fine.

I couldn't put it better. My gran had 4 very healthy children, none of which were BF. No allergies, rarely ill, still great bond with BOTH parents (she could have help with the feeding) and could get rest and downtime when needed. Get baby onto bottles and stop torturing yourself.

Ask for second opinion on tongue tie! Keep asking for help and contact every profesional available. I struggled with breastfeeding and was ignored by many people only to go privately and be told that he has one of the worst cases of tongue tie!!!!!! And let me tell you, trying to get it sorted at the age of 7 months is 💩when the baby is not letting you anywhere near his mouth to exercise and put all the work thats needed. Fucking NHS was fobbing me off for months and now I am paying the price in many ways than one. I wish I had balls at the time to be more persistent...

Your baby will be fine if you choose to FF, don't put pressure on yourself.

My oldest dc didn't latch on for 3 weeks. Keep on persevering and you I'll get there. Also seek help from professionals

My daughter was the same, turned out I had flat nipples, and I was given nipple shields to use, these were a life changer for us. She then had something to latch onto and she got the hang of it almost instantly, and she stopped using them herself by 4 months, and we continued breastfeeding until 3 years 3 months. Nipple shields saved our breastfeeding journey, and we spoke to a peer supporter also which was very helpful. If you ask your midwife they should be able to supply them for you, but they are also on Amazon etc.

Congratulations on your beautiful new baby OP.

And don't beat yourself up about breastfeeding.

As others have said, it's not some magic elixir. It is a feeding method. No more. It doesn't guarantee health wealth and happiness - far from it - and it has disadvantages as well as advantages too. The problem is that health professionals have to push it, and many new mothers feel bullied about it. There are some extraordinarily militant advocates of breastfeeding online and in various 'support' groups and very often they do the very opposite of good. Don't let yourself be overwhelmed by the 'need' to BF. It's great if you can do it but it's really not the end of the world if you decide that bottle feeding is the way to go.

I couldn't exclusively BF any of mine, they were all mixed fed, and you know what, the world didn't end, they grew and they thrived and they are all happy and healthy and slept well.

The thing is, with a beautiful newborn baby, how you feed him or her seems like the only important thing in the world. But it's only the beginning. Honestly, go into any primary school classroom and you will have literally no idea who was EBF, who was bottle-fed, who was mix-fed. LITERALLY no idea. Because in the long term it really really doesn't matter and other factors will have far more of an impact on your child's long-term health and happiness.

I could have written this 10 months ago. Baby would scream the house down whenever I tried to bf. I tried everything and put so much pressure on myself, in the end my lovely midwife watched me try every position, saw how distressed DS was and how happily he would take a bottle and suggested that fed is best and bottle feeding seemed to be better for both of us (which at that point was really stating the obvious- but what I needed to hear).

I then tried as hard as I could to pump as much as possible (8 times a day, 3am, power pumping, 4 different types of breast pumps, supplements galore!) but by 3 months my supply declined and I was getting 10mls per 20 minute pumping session. Looking back now it seems absolutely mad and obvious that I should have stopped earlier but in that sleepless, new baby haze I wasn't thinking straight and just trying to do my best. I remember crying because I couldn't go on a walk because it didn't fit in with my pumping schedule. It's really emotional when you can't feed your baby the way you want to.

Since then, I have learned that a lot of people find breast feeding hard and that sometimes it doesn't matter how much support you access or effort you put in- it just doesn't work out.

I have also had a good look into the quality of the evidence underpinning the benefits to mum and baby of breastfeeding and its a bit duff! Effect sizes are small and there are a lot of confounding variables. A lot of the literature from my midwives really strongly overstated the risks of not breastfeeding and it made me feel absolutely horrible at the time.

It felt like the end of the world to me at the time, like I'd failed as a mum before I'd even got started but before I knew it we were starting to wean and I got some control back over my babies nutrition and could focus on giving him the best start with solids. In 2 months I'll be waving goodbye to formula forever and I doubt I'll give it much more thought. Get some support with breastfeeding and try your best but be pragmatic and don't let it get in the way of enjoying your new baby. My DS is as happy and healthy as any of my friends babies.

I had the same experience. Nipple shields were a life-saver for us. Fed my first two for almost 18 months a piece with them.

This was my experience too. I struggled at first until my gynae told me to just stop putting so much pressure on myself. My paed also confirmed this and I was so relieved. My ds is fine. I have 2 friends who went the bf route and all their kids are the sickest kids ever! Could be just random though. It doesn't matter in the long run op, as long as your baby is fed.

1. it is early days still. What support have you had? Have you tried niople guards to help with latch etc.
2. if it does not work, it does not work. That is totally ok.
3. Good luck, and congrats on your little one!

Have you checked for oral thrush or tongue tie?

It can take weeks to get easier. Keep going if you want to and ignore relatives. Drink loads as it’s so so hot.

Aw sorry you are feeling so much pressure, you aren’t ruining your baby’s life.. since having my baby I’ve been asking friends whether they were formula or breast as babies and a surprising number were exclusively formula fed ( including my rather tall husband ) so please don’t worry and take care of yourself

You really aren't ruining your baby's life. Lots of us were formula fed and turned out to be completely normal. I totally understand thinking breastfeeding is important, I breastfed my own kids so I;m not blase, but it's not to overstate things. Which is a common problem when your baby is new and your hormones are all over the place.

You are doing great by pumping for now, it's good for your baby and with a little luck will keep your supply going. Keep trying with the latch, it may come in a bit. If not you can decide whether or not to keep pumping then or later. One day at a time.

And it really is normal to have a hard time with a first baby. You are both learning from scratch. New babies at first can also be kind of dopey, especially if it was a difficult birth or the baby felt the effects of medications.

And then the first few days there is usually no milk anyway and some babies won't be all that interested until it comes in.

I did mixed feeding with my first, breast fed the second, and formula fed the third (long story, not worth telling). They’re all young adults now. No differences in their health or educational achievements or whatever.

Breastfeeding is ideal, but sometimes life doesn’t work out the way we expect. Congratulations on your new baby, who will be wonderful whatever feeding method you use.

It’s true fed is best so don’t stress either way. It took me a couple of weeks to establish breastfeeding. It did not happen in the first week. Also my dd completely refused bottle feeding. I was was quite emotional and worried about her.

Somehow it clicked for her and it started to become easier. I learned that it wasn’t just that I a had to learn to breastfeed my little baby had to learn to breastfeed and it takes a bit of time.

I ended up ebf because she completely refused a bottle. And I did love it (when it became easier).

My advice is to not worry too much. If you want to breastfeed then keep trying, it’s early days. If you want to formula feed then just go for it. And don’t worry about what anyone else thinks. Do what works for you and your baby.

If you are desperate to BF, topping up with formula won't eradicate any benefits.

Ask yourself this OP if you went in to a pre school could you tell which child was breastfed over those that weren't?

I absolutely agree with this. It describes me perfectly after DD1 was born. She is now a healthy and happy 27 year old.

Your DH and your Mum are right. Stop putting so much pressure on yourself. You are doing great, and many congratulations on your new arrival.

My eldest was never breastfed, and she's perfectly fine. DH wasn't breastfed by his mum, and he is one of the healthiest people I know, he's very, very rarely ill. Only time I've known him to be off work "sick" was when he broke his arm- were talking 12 years of not being ill!

I tried to breastfeed my baby, he's 12 weeks old, hand on heart since stopping my life is a lot less stressful, not worrying about him latching, keeping a breast milk supply up or other breastfeeding concerns. It really damaged my mental health to keep trying when it obviously wasn't working. I think it was the constant feeling of inadequacy that did it for me.

What I'd advise is to look into breastfeeding help, the la leche league are wonderful, I think NCT can support, your local children's centre will have a breastfeeding contact who can help. Or even a private lactation consultant.
See if the support makes a difference, if not then you know you did as much as you could but it didn't work, and that's fine.

I'm managing to enjoy life with my little one more now, there's a lot less screaming because he's not hungry but not able to latch for his food, I'm not worried about trying to keep a supply and I'm not chained to the breast pump anymore.

Though be prepared for an initial grieving process if you do stop .

Wishing you all the best

I had similar with ds1. I desperately wanted to breastfeed but we struggled with latching on initially.
I expressed milk but as I didn't want him to get used to a bottle (it's easier so they don't have to work so hard), we used a baby cup that was not much bigger than a medicine cup and he would sip out of that.
Then I got nipple shields which were a game changer for us as they made him open his mouth to latch on. We used these for around 3 weeks to a month, always trying him first without them and by the end of that first month he was breastfeeding normally.
I found holding him like a rugby ball so his legs were behind me on the side he was feeding from helped as well initially.

If you go with the nipple shields be warned though, they stick better with no lubricant meaning they stay put, but they pinch when removing. If you use lubricant they get slippery and I found this counter productive.

This was 22 years ago now and possibly they have improved so it's worth asking someone who is more up to date, there was a breastfeeding charity back then, possibly more now so it might be worth calling one for advice about shields and teats than can help.