Upset about breastfeeding

[feelingdown7]

My baby was born on Friday and despite every effort, will not latch on. When she does latch on, it's only for a few seconds and then she comes off again. I have been expressing breast milk using a pump and have been giving this to her and using formula as a top up. This has really upset me as I really wanted to exclusively breastfeed and feel that I am depriving my child of all the benefits of breastfeeding. My mum and husband keep telling me not to put pressure on myself and that it's not the end of the world if she has to be formula fed but I can't help but feel down about it.

Can someone convince me I'm not entirely ruining my child's life by not being able to breastfeed?! 😩

Hello, genuinely believe there are babies that just don't latch. My first - we stayed in hospital for 3 days and so many nurses tried to get him to latch including the breast feeding whisperer who always got babies to latch.

We had a very lazy baby with no impulse. I was upset and felt a failure but in the end - being fed is the priority. My baby got bad jaundice and was close to needing treatment so that was enough for me to get the bottles out.

Babies can be so different - my second baby was born rooting and fed immediately from birth. I add this as sometimes it's just the way the baby is

Just checked and that is Elvie, and there's one called a Willow, if they're both still going. One has a collection container so no need to buy expensive collection bags, but can't remember which one. They are pricey but ebay etc might have some. The freemie collection cups work with various pumps some of which are portable & small.

The thing is, its not "over"/decided with a few days or even early weeks ... you can take the stress off with formulated keep trying with the breast feeding (if you want to)

*formula

There’s some lovely, well-meaning posts of support on this thread. However, I’ve been in the situation where breastfeeding wasn’t going as planned, baby wasn’t gaining enough weight and it made me want to rip my hair out to hear all of the comments: “no-one will ask when they’re older how they were fed”, “happy mum and happy baby is all that matters”, “formula is fine”. That’s not what I needed to hear, and I’m not sure the OP needs this either. If someone expresses how much breastfeeding means to them, it’s dismissive to reel off anecdotes of all of the babies that have thrived on formula, or to persistently tell them swapping to bottles is fine.

If breastfeeding is what you want, you don’t need people telling you how unimportant it is - it may be to them but it doesn’t seem to be unimportant to you. Seek all of the advice and help you can, infant feeding support workers, la leche league, IBCLC, local peer tan groups.
If once you have sought support and help you decide to move on from breastfeeding then that is absolutely fine! I just hate to think of women swapping to formula because they didn’t get the right support when breastfeeding is what they really wanted to do.

Saying all of this, I eventually combi fed by little boy. I had supply issues and went through the rigmarole of expressing, topping up by bottle etc. Eventually I came to the conclusion that for us as a family, a mixture of breast and formula was right. However, I was surrounded by people who understood my desire to breastfeed, didn’t belittle this by telling me formula from a bottle was just as good and supported my decision to keep trying.

Have you contacted your local family centres to see if they're running breastfeeding support in the community?

I volunteer at one as a breastfeeding peer supporter and although the service is being cut in some places it's thriving in others.

Many babies also don't latch immediately, mine included. We breastfed for 3 years! It just took help.

Other posters are right that really breastfeeding is a game of statistics. Statistically it is better, but that's on a population level. Individually, breastfeeding and formula feeding probably make little difference but if you're pumping baby is still getting most of the benefits of breast milk.

You can also call the national breastfeeding helpline and la leche league for support.

Please do not feel guilty about this. It's new to you and to your baby, I've worked with mums where it's taken weeks and in some cases months to go from pumping to breast, but we've made it work.

I won't say fed is best because personally I just don't believe it's helpful. It doesn't quell any. Guilt you feel and it doesn't aid any grief if it does not work out, but you need to know if it doesn't, it's because of a huge gap in community support, and not because you gave up.

The most important thing for your baby is to have healthy, happy parents, who are capable of giving him/her the love and attention she needs.

Reach out if you need to.

Fed is best.
Please be kinder to yourself. If you're stressed and anxious about bf then she will pick up on it.
I have 3. Eldest wasn't breastfed. She's going to one of the top grammar schools in the country this September.
She is kind and compassionate, incredibly smart and a fantastic big sister.
My middle boy was bf'd for 11 weeks and the baby for 7 months.
Out of all my 3, the baby is the biggest rascal. Absolute terrorist!

I remember seeing a meme once with a picture of a bunch of 5 year olds in the play ground creating havoc. The caption went along the lines 'spot the breast fed child... oh that's right, you can't... because my kid is just as weird as yours'

To be fair, @Putonyourshoes, op did explicitly ask people to tell her that formula feeding wouldn't ruin her baby's life, so that's the type of support people are trying to give.

I had a really similar experience to @Goldbar. I honestly think I was near a guilt-induced breakdown. I'd been made so scared to give my baby formula that in my sleep deprived state of mind I convinced myself that if I gave my baby formula he wouldn't be a "real" baby anymore

Swapping to combi feeding took all the pressure of me. My baby was losing so much weight (99th percentile for height, 80th for weight at birth. He dropped to 15th I think it was for weight before I decided that the midwives constant "just keep feeding, don't give bottles it will ruin your supply!" was nonsense. We started giving him quite a bit of formula and dropped breast feeding to only once or twice a day. I was able to relax when it came to the breast feeds, as I knew he was well fed the rest of the day. I didn't have to cry with worry for his weight every day anymore. I really believe my baby was picking up on my more relaxed mood. He was also just getting bigger and older which made bf slightly easier. Eventually we increased the amount he breastfed more and more each week. We ended up breastfeeding until 7 months.

If at 7 weeks you'd have asked me if I could imagine still breastfeeding at 7 months, I'd have laughed. I couldn't even imagine still being alive by then at that point!

OP, you are doing amazing ❤️

@Goldbar but its women THEMSELVES that put the bar there. I dont understand the hysteria

A baby needs to fed. It doesnt make you a better mum if you bf. It doesnt make you less of a mum when you fórmula feed.

Women do this to themselves
The question of "have i done damage to my kid/ am i a bad mum"etc is just rediculous.

@Putonyourshoes I couldn’t agree more . What motivated me to keep going was the encouragement from family and friends who told me their struggles and success stories . I got so much fantastic advice and got the help I needed.

Not read the whole thread, so sorry if I've missed something.
I had something similar. I found the following helped:
-i was advised by my MW to use shields for a few weeks, and for me it worked
-there are lots of Facebook support groups, I think ones called breastfeeding and laxtation support UK, which are well worth joining
-look for local support groups and peer support groups

But honestly, at the end of the day, a happy full baby and a happy mum not putting too much pressure on herself is all that is needed!

Also, congratulations!!

We had a very similar experience. I saw the local breastfeeding consultant but it was too much for me. I pumped for two months until her vaccinations but also had to use formula too. I was devastated I couldn’t breastfeed and felt like a bad mum but 10months on I don’t regret the decision to stop.

No one looks at a child and can say “oh they were breastfed or they were formula fed”. As long as they’re getting milk and lots of love you are doing everything right!

Follow what feels right for you right now. Best of luck and congratulations!!!

If breastfeeding is what you want, you don’t need people telling you how unimportant it is - it may be to them but it doesn’t seem to be unimportant to you. Seek all of the advice and help you can, infant feeding support workers, la leche league, IBCLC, local peer tan groups.
If once you have sought support and help you decide to move on from breastfeeding then that is absolutely fine! I just hate to think of women swapping to formula because they didn’t get the right support when breastfeeding is what they really wanted to do.

I disagree completely. Do you get that some people just can't. They just can't. Can't And these people need to know it's ok. I had all the support, medication to stimulate my milk supply, I tried 2 of the best recommended lactation consultants, made every potion to increase supply, I was supplied with a hospital grade pump, tried other pumps too and it was just not meant to be. For me persistenting was alot to do with the breast is best that is shoved down our throats. When I sat down with my gynae and my paed who talked me through my reasons as to why I felt so strongly about breastfeeding I realised that I actually wasn't very well informed. I was encouraged to switch to formula and ds has thrived. It's very important for women to know the reasons for wanting to bf and to know the alternative is completely fine.

Aww your baby will be fine OP, I know it’s disappointing if your plans for feeding change, but it will be ok.

For different reasons I expressed for my daughter and kept persevering with putting her to the breast after she’d had a bottle of expressed milk. I couldn’t get the latch right and then someone told me to hold your breast like a hamburger and put it in her mouth. Sounds weird but it worked!
it’s very early days. Don’t be too hard on yourself x

I formula fed from the get go. Would you tell me I would depriving my baby by doing so? If not, apply that same decency to yourself.

You’re not failing anyone. Sometimes plans change.

Well, you’ve just added to the pressure.

I didn't do it to myself. It's something I'm still cross about actually, but in my case it was definitely done to me. It wasn't me putting the pressure on myself. I was perfectly happy to do mixed feeding until we got the hang of it, but everyone around me was saying don't do that, persevere, just keep going, you'll get there. And my husband had assimilated all the info about how great breastfeeding was for the baby so he was also in the 'you just need to keep trying, it will all be ok' camp. What helped actually was when I decided to stay in bed rather than go to yet another breastfeeding support group and everyone else including him fucked off out of my house so I could do what I liked without feeling that I needed to justify it.

Thank you so much everyone for your sympathy and advice. I realise my post comes across a little bit dramatic, but I have always been so focused on breastfeeding so the fact it's not going well and I'm having to give her formula is heartbreaking to me.

Lots of you have recommended nipple shields so I've ordered them and will see now it goes. I'm also going to contact my midwife for help and advice.

However you feed your baby is fine, it really is.

It is very early days - does your hospital have any breastfeeding support or are you able to access help from a lactation consultant? I never found midwives very helpful with breastfeeding, my DS was premature and had the same issue that he wouldn't latch. The midwives were useless with breastfeeding support, lacked knowledge, and a few of them were actively unkind and unhelpful, but the NICU nurses, hospital's infant feeding team, and a lactation consultant were all extremely helpful and knowledgeable. If you speak to your Health Visitor you might find that you can access free support from a lactation consultant through a referral from them, I know my area offers this as I was referred.

Have you tried nipple shields at all? My DS had a very high palate and the shields, used temporarily, helped stimulate his latch and suckle reflex. I'm not a trained supporter, but just to say that with exactly the same issue you're facing now, I combi-fed my DS (mostly expressed breastmilk and occasional latching to keep "practising") and then exclusively breastfed him from around 10 weeks when be was stronger and able to latch and suckle more, so the hurdles now don't mean that it's not possible for you if you really want to do it. I won't lie, though, almost exclusively pumping was hard for that time. You also need to make sure that the teat you use on any bottles more closely mimics breastfeeding - I.e. they have to work at it and can't guzzle it - if you do ultimately want to breastfeed.

Have a look at Professor Amy Brown on Facebook. She is brilliant at validating women’s feeling around breastfeeding. Also, as others have suggested, ask for your baby to be checked for tongue tie from somebody properly qualified to assess. You may need to go private if you are able to. Your feelings are real though, and even though you want your baby to be fed, there are maternal instincts and hormones at play which can be very strong in making you want to feed your baby yourself. Don’t feel guilty for that at all!

It is very early days still and can take time. Definitely seek out all the support available to you. And get baby checked several times for tongue tie, I know several people who had trouble with breastfeeding and it wasn’t until after a few checks they discovered a tongue tie, and fed fine after it was fixed.
it doesn’t matter if baby is breastfed or bottle fed, don’t put lots of pressure on yourself, but also keep trying for longer if it’s important to you, it does take practice and sometimes a lot of assistance. If it doesn’t, that’s okay, and also means others can help with feeding so you get more rest.

@Belephant - I'm sorry to hear that you too had an awful experience in the first few weeks and that your feeding choices weren't supported.

It's something that still makes me feel furious to this day - my baby was so upset with hunger that they had very little chance of latching and feeding successfully. Just constant fussing and screaming, So much judgement and, despite having a healthy 4yo now, I still feel guilty that DC spent the first few weeks of life essentially starving. A few bottles and DC was calmer and able to feed much better. And I continued breastfeeding until 18 months.

If anyone makes any comments about cow milk being for baby cows and human milk for baby humans this time around (and yes, that is the sort of drivel I was being told which is why I don't agree with people saying that it is all the fault of new mothers putting pressure on themselves), I will honestly throw something at them.

Oh took me and my son about two weeks to really 'get' it. Don't get riled up. Keep trying. But if it doesn't work out bottle feeding is fine and certainly does not ruin a kids life! The baby will look at you adoringly whether he has you or a bottle in his mouth!

You'll both be fine. I just assumed that I would breastfeed my DD, I never had any other plan in place. It just didn't happen though. I think it was a mix of having surgery on one of my breasts, so milk didn't come through great and DD being very small and born at Christmas, so midwife/breastfeeding support was thin on the ground.
I tried all sorts but when she started dropping in weight, I just switched to formula completely. I felt guilty for a long time but she's nearly 4 now and the smartest, healthiest little cookie.

I'm currently pregnant with number 2 and determined to give bf a go again but I'm totally not bothered if it doesn't work out.

Jesus, what is the obsession with breast feeding and mum's beating themselves up if they can't? It's literally reaching ridiculous/ cult like levels now.

OP, your baby will be fine, it's formula milk, not battery acid.