Upset about breastfeeding

[feelingdown7]

My baby was born on Friday and despite every effort, will not latch on. When she does latch on, it's only for a few seconds and then she comes off again. I have been expressing breast milk using a pump and have been giving this to her and using formula as a top up. This has really upset me as I really wanted to exclusively breastfeed and feel that I am depriving my child of all the benefits of breastfeeding. My mum and husband keep telling me not to put pressure on myself and that it's not the end of the world if she has to be formula fed but I can't help but feel down about it.

Can someone convince me I'm not entirely ruining my child's life by not being able to breastfeed?! 😩

Neither I nor my siblings were breastfed. Between us we have masters degrees, speak 3 languages and work in corporate environments. My Mum didn't fuck us up by giving us formula.

I think there is too much pressure on mothers to breastfeed and I say this as someone who has spent the last 8 years either pregnant or breastfeeding.

I found it easy to start breastfeeding, but breastfeeding itself is not easy and there are many negatives. I have had huge issues stopping both times (I am going down the sudafed weaning route for my three year old soon, as he won't stop). Both never slept well either. I think the benefits are over-exaggerated. My first child has a very strong immune system and is smart, but the second is neither of these and is behind developmentally. Not sure about benefits to me as I will never know if it reduced the chance of cancer, but I would say breastfeeding for so long impacted my mental health a lot as I had to deal with all the sleeplessness and tantrums, and I have struggled to lose the last stone in weight after pregnancies which has ruined my confidence too. Not all women drop weight due to breastfeeding and some retain due to oxytocin.

Sorry this is negative, but I think you get militant breastfeeding mothers who use their bf status for one-upmanship, making people who can't do it, or can but hate the process feel guilty. They make people like me who do bf but have both negative and positive experiences from it feel like an outlier and we certainly aren't. I just want you to not be made to feel guilty by these people who pressure women.

If I had my time again, I think I would actually combi or bottle feed. In hindsight it would have been the best option as a working mother for both of my kids and me. I think breastfeeding for so long has made my life much harder and I think I would have been a better parent having slept better and not feeling so pinned down by bfing. Not for my partner though, as he would have had nightfeeds to do 😂

Can someone convince me I'm not entirely ruining my child's life by not being able to breastfeed?!
I’ll try to be kind because you’re obviously having a hard time but these kind of statements are so incredibly offensive and upsetting to mums who bottle fed. Our babies, children and even grown adults have in no way been disadvantaged because they were formula fed.

I couldn’t get a decent latch either. My nipples turned to one big scab. She never drank out of a bottle well and I couldn’t afford the extortionate price of a consultant to look at tongue tie, so we made the decision to formula feed. I, with all my
being, wanted to breastfeed, but at no point did I ever think she would be a failure because of that. I felt like a failure, but that was just the start of the Mum Guilt.

Now she’s eating food off the floor with the rest of the bottle / breastfed kids her age, and flying along with development.

Social standing, misogyny etc will all have more of an impact in her life than what she ate for 6 months.

@ReadytoShip there is research to show that for women who want to breastfeed, but can’t, they are at higher risk of postnatal depression. That’s not to say formula is bad, but it’s wrong to just dismiss their feelings and make them feel wrong to want to breastfeed. People should be supportive of feeding choices no matter what they are.

Breast feeding is horrible, I'm feeding my 10 week old... the first two weeks were pure hell
Can you ask someone to come and watch you, we have FAB in our area that do this

Oh nipple shells help too
When your nipples are cracked you can just put them on to stop your bra rubbing them , and abit of lanolin on the air will help them heal

Most babies in the UK are formula fed (though many try to breastfeed initially) and the majority of them are absolutely fine. Ask your health visitor or Google to see what breastfeeding support is available in your area if it's something you really want to do but don't beat yourself up if it doesn't work out and you have to formula feed. Your baby will be fine either way and in a couple of years, you won't even think about how they were fed as a baby.

Speak to your midwife and get your little one checked incase the latch issue isn’t due to a tongue tie. Good luck with it all

Op, often when babies don't/can't latch, it's because when they do try to latch, they are unable to feed effectively, and this is so frustrating for them, to be hungry and smell the milk, but not able to get at it. Does your baby cry if you try to latch him on? As others have said, do get him assessed for tongue tie, both anterior and posterior (harder to spot), as this is often a major cause of refusal to latch.

Hi OP, if you want to breastfeed and are struggling, I don't think being told just to use formula as baby will be okay helps. Of course baby will be okay if you formula feed, but it doesn't help if you do want to breastfeed and haven't had support to do it.
I struggled with my first, he would latch but it was painful and I worried I was in for months or years of painful feeds. I had a visit from a lactation consultant who identified tongue tie, it was corrected and feeding was so much easier! She also showed me how to latch properly and observed my latch to make sure I was getting the hang of it. When my second came along, I noticed tongue tie almost straight away and asked the midwife at our home visit for a referral to have it corrected, so feeding was a lot easier second time around, having previously had that advice and support.

Please do contact local breastfeeding support (your midwife will have details if you don't already), and it may be worth having baby checked for tongue tie.
If you decide to formula feed, or top up with formula, you are not harming your baby and you're doing nothing wrong. Just make sure that you have as much support as possible to feed the way you prefer.

but I have always been so focused on breastfeeding so the fact it's not going well and I'm having to give her formula is heartbreaking to me.

It's not done and dusted, ots bog a fair accompli. There's nothing wrong with doing it get them fed and take the pressure off while you "investigate" all avenues for breast-feeding (combi or exclusive).

Plus the baby getting bigger/older may help.

*it's not a fait accompli

My second DS would not latch. I had successfully breastfed previously and accessed all support and he was the calmest little thing until the second I put him near my breast and he didn't have a clue, screamed, became a hot sweaty little ball of rage. Tried icblc, craniopath, peer support etc etc etc and then one day when he was about 4 weeeks old said this is ridiculous, why am I putting us through this torture of him losing his shiz every 3 hours just so I can say he breastfed.

I moved to exclusive pumping and thankfully I had an oversupply so I enjoyed it. I loved bagging it all up and making his bottles. I loved how he actually slept from weeks old and took naps and fell in to a lovely routine because I could time when he needed his bottle. I loved when my DH unexpectedly lost his job I was able to get a job and work not worried about him at all because I knew he would settle. I loved seeing him so satisfied and full after a feed and not need more 40 mins later like his brother would have.

Now I have had a bottle fed baby I feel so much different about it and would absolutely pump if I was lucky enough to ever have a third. It was a privilege to bf my first but I feel 2nd DS was a much more satisfied baby and I was a much easier going mum and I enjoyed the whole thing a lot more the second time round even though I was stuck to a milking machine like a cow 4 x a day. Be kind to yourself and evaluate what is important to you and your baby and your family. If that's BF then great, make sure you access all the support that's available to you. If not then great, enjoy finding a solution that works.

If you really want to, of keep pumping to try to stimulate your supply if your baby isn't currently currently staying on longer enough to do so.

A hospital grade double electric pump, hire or buy.

I liked the spectra.

Hold you baby and look af them etc on one side while you pump.

@Herejustforthisone
i don’t think it’s adding pressure to recognise that the OP really wants to breastfeed. I think informed decisions are important.
I said, I myself ended up combination feeding, but that was once I’d thoroughly explored every avenue with regards to breastfeeding support. I felt happy and confident in my decision to do this because I knew how well informed I was. It would be terrible for a mother who REALLY wanted to breastfeed, to move to formula and then later find out that there was other options (nipple shields, help with latching, profession advice etc). OP has said she has ordered nipple shields and is going to contact her MW for advice, which is fantastic. If the nipple shields don’t help, and even with professional support it still isn’t happening then the OP will be able to make a fully informed decision to stop and/or combi feed.

Bf is great, I BF both mine for over 2 years.

But no, it's not the be all and end all. Your baby will be absolutely fine on formula.

That said, if you really want to do it can you find properly help. The help you get of the NHS with BF is in my experience awful. Has your baby been checked for lip and tongue tie? Can you afford a BF consultant? DD was tough to get feeding, and I was encouraged by midwives to give her formula (in fact they told me I couldnt' leave hospital without it). They felt they had helped me try establish BFing after one midwife grabbed my boob without consent or warning and literally stuffed it into my crying baby's mouth. She was tongue tied which they (1) refused to check when I asked, even though I could SEE she couldnt' stick out her tongue to latch and then (2) denied had any impact on bfing. When we finally got it checked anc ut it got SO much better. I went to loads of BF clinics in my local area too (I think hosted by LLL).

I do understand some people can’t, I was one of those people that couldn’t exclusively breastfeed. By three months old I’d estimate that my baby was on 50/50 breast feeds and formula feeds.
I have said the alternative is fine also. The point I’m trying to make is that for the OP, they WANT to breastfeed, people telling them formula feeding is fine without any other advice isn’t helpful. She WANTS to breastfeed. If she gets support and then still finds it isn’t working out she can work out a plan to combi feed or move to formula feeding. I just think it’s incredibly important that if women want to breastfeed and can breastfeed that they are supported in doing so and not just told to switch to formula feeding because the baby will be fine. It’s about what Mum wants too.

Oh jeeze. OP is clearly being tongue in cheek with that. And is struggling. I'm sorry you had a tough start but as you yourself point out all is fine and it doesn't make any difference to your child. Don't make this about you or some FF vs BF argument.

The states I was told was it was roughly 1-2% physically can't BF. It will obviously be more for non-biological factors (bad support, stress, untreated tongue tie etc). So physcailyl not being able to BF is rare, but it doesn't mean it's otherwise always successful.

You're expressing milk as well as formula feeding so your baby IS getting the benefits of breast milk. I'm still breastfeeding my 22 month old and it's actually really hard to wean her off the milk. She's obsessed and wants it all the time. Honestly at least you won't have to deal with this side of breastfeeding because it is a struggle. I can't see the way out and my body is still not my own and i don't know when it will be again lol
you're doing great!! keep doing what you're doing and don't be so hard on yourself 💐

Try not to be so hard on yourself.
Could your baby have tongue tie?
Do you have any local breastfeeding support groups etc? Since my baby was born just over a week ago, I keep receiving calls from breastfeeding support asking if I need any help. There might be something like this near you?

I'm not saying it's wrong to breastfeed at all, I'm saying the insurmountable pressure to breastfeed on women nowadays is horrendous and needs to stop. Women should be free to feed their babies whichever way they choose/ can and no one should be shamed for that, unfortunately there is definitely a sneery attitude towards FF which only makes mother's who want to breastfeed and aren't able to feel even more like shit.

Breastfeeding doesn't give you membership for the Amazing Mother club.

It isn't the be all and end all that we are led to believe.

Your baby will thrive on formula, absolutely thrive.

All the pushing of breastfeeding can lead to how the Op is feeling when these early days should be a lovely time not a time of being made to feel terrible.

Please listen to your partner and your Mum Op.

Formula is perfect by itself.

Yes I wholly agree with this. The pressure is immense. At a time when women can be very vulnerable.

@Ontomatopea @ReadytoShip I’m sorry to hear you experienced a sneery attitude towards formula feeding. However, as someone who wanted to breastfeed and struggled due to tongue tie, I found all the ‘support’ I got was to tell me just to formula feed and be grateful my baby was being fed, which was not what I wanted to do (nothing to do with society, I had decided that I wanted to do it). If OP wants to breastfeed, she needs support, not just told to stop being so precious about breastfeeding. As I said, research shows that this lack of support and understanding can lead to a higher risk of postnatal depression.
This isn’t about which way of feeding is best, it’s about supporting a woman who would like to feed in a particular way, whatever that may be, and whatever her reasons may be.