Upset about breastfeeding

[feelingdown7]

My baby was born on Friday and despite every effort, will not latch on. When she does latch on, it's only for a few seconds and then she comes off again. I have been expressing breast milk using a pump and have been giving this to her and using formula as a top up. This has really upset me as I really wanted to exclusively breastfeed and feel that I am depriving my child of all the benefits of breastfeeding. My mum and husband keep telling me not to put pressure on myself and that it's not the end of the world if she has to be formula fed but I can't help but feel down about it.

Can someone convince me I'm not entirely ruining my child's life by not being able to breastfeed?! 😩

It's funny because my, anecdotal, experience was the opposite. Loads of stuff before birth on how amazing BF is, but after birth formula was pushed loads - from medical professionals, society etc. Every little issue with baby was probabyl due to BFing and could be solved by just givign in and formula feeding. It felt almost like some people thought I was being ridiculous for caring about BF.ing It was even suggested once that I was putting my own desires to BF over the welfare of my baby (which was - obviously - not the case).

I understand what you are saying but I found it the other way around. I wanted to breastfeed but was really struggling. My mental health was declining rapidly and I truly beleve the only thing that saved me from it further declining was the GP saying look, you've tried, it's not working, it is ok to stop. Before that no one had said it was ok to stop all the contact I'd had (albeit limited due to pandemic) was pushing me to keep trying but with no actual advice on what on earth I was meant to do. All the while my baby was losing weight and at risk of dehydration.

Yes it is strange, it must depend on who you see/where you live etc. I guess the key thing is there needs to be less pressure either way!

Breastfeeding doesn't give you membership for the Amazing Mother club.

Agree! So doesn't having a NVD over a C-SECTION. No one is giving you a medal for that, women are their own worst enemy. This shit does not matter in the long run. It does NOT matter who was formula fed, born through a CS, or anything else!!

If you wanted, you could try and find an IBLCC to help, they're much better than your usual HV or midwife, but usually they're not free. Lots and lots of skin to skin and always offering breast before bottle, paced feeding when using a bottle. Keep hydrated.

But if its not working out, the last thing to do is to beat yourself up. Honestly, you'd never know which children are breast or bottle fed once they're passed a year old, and by the time they're lining up outside school it's the last thing on anyone's mind.
It feels all encompassing now, but it's such a small detail in the bigger picture.

And more support for mums to do what they want. Sturggles to BF for a woman who wants to BF shouldn't be met with just telling her FF is just dandy. She should get the support she needs and wants to do what she would like to do.

Exactly that!

No matter what happens from here on out do not hold this against yourself! I did that for years and felt like I failed and it’s just not important. Strangely I went on to breast feed my second child for 2 1/2 years and it hasn’t made a dot of difference between my children. I would say my first child slept better and it was nice that my dh got to feed and bond with her and with my second breastfeeding was convenient. Both have perks and drawbacks but you must not beat yourself up for this. If you do decide to not give up I would personally stop topping up with formula, get some advice from Lucas breastfeeding support and although they don’t recommend this nipple shields helped for us maybe as a last resort. What ever you decide don’t let this leave a shadow hanging over such a precious time.

This is the exact thing that I was previously trying to explain. It’s about what an individual Mum wants. Imagine tirelessly pumping breast milk as you’re having difficulty latching your baby and you really want to breastfeed, reaching out to other mums and basically being told it isn’t worth the effort.
There was even one poster who said “women do this to themselves”. I had comments like that, whilst I was triple feeding, trying to increase my milk supply, working SO hard because it’s what I wanted to do for my baby. People would ask why would you put yourself through that, and tell me that formula is fine. Of course it is, we know as long as baby is fed and thriving and happy then however you feed is fine, but I WANTED to breastfeed.
It’s crazy how if you offer support to a woman who WANTS to breastfeed, as I have, that you are told you’re pressuring them. But telling a woman who WANTS to breastfeed to just give formula is ok.

Maybe try this line:

NCT supports all parents, however they feed their baby. If you have questions, concerns or need support, you can speak to a breastfeeding counsellor by calling our helpline on 0300 330 0700, whether you are exclusively breastfeeding or using formula milk.

Totally agree.

I can't help but think it's becuase, like some PPs, its seen as an insult on FF to say you prefer BFing. Almost likea "oh, you think you are better than us then". It's ridiculous.

I would have be gutted at the time if I had been unsuccessful. And I was encouraged by many to stop trying. Luckily it worked out in the end, but it took a hell of a lot of effort. It was super annoying for people to almost mock that effort as though they thought completely unnecessary. It was important to me at the time and I'm really glad I did it.

Of course no one can tell now my children were BF (they are never sick, but I attribute that to my relaxed cleaning habits more than the BFing), but that doesn't mean it wasn't a valid parenting choice that deserved support rather than dismissal.

@Icanstillrecallourlastsummer That’s exactly how it seems. So many posters rushed to tell this Mum that it’s ok to give formula if she doesn’t want to breastfeed when she’s already said she wants to and is upset that it’s not working out. Who’s applying the pressure here?

It's valid for OP to feel upset about this yes. But it's not ok to infer that bottle fed babies lives were ruined by their feeding method.

Again, @Putonyourshoes, I think that's a bit disingenuous given that the last line of the OP is explicitly asking for reassurance that formula is okay. So naturally, that is how people will respond.

But if you put that in the context of the entire post, she says she really wanted to exclusively breastfeed, it’s upsetting her and that her family are telling her she can formula feed but it’s making her feel down. In that context do you not think it’s more beneficial to help OP explore why breastfeeding isn’t working out and how to get help? Than to bombard with messages telling her it’s fine to formula feed - she’s already been told that by her husband and Mum and it’s not helped. She’s said herself she wants to breastfeed and she actually didn’t ask for reassurance that formula was ok she asked if she was ruining her child’s life by not being able to breastfeed - the answer to that is obviously no, no one would argue that.

Bf is nice if it works, but the benefits are very minor and short lived. It makes absolutely no difference to your baby in the long run, the evidence on that is extremely clear. When you get a bit of time you can read about it, it's reassuring to know whether you breast or formula feed your baby they'll be just as healthy in the long run!

Unfortunately there is an overwhelming pressure to breastfeed and so much stigma against formula feeding which leaves many new parents feeling desperate and afraid if they're unable to or don't wish to breastfeed. Knowledge is power. There's so much nonsense, non evidence based info spread around that even people who are passionate about bf don't realise is incorrect, it's very easy to start feeling as though you're failing your baby if you can't bf when in fact it's not really relevant to them either way. There are also some benefits to formula feeding that people rarely talk about (no risk of anaemia, adequate vitamin D intake, equal share of care for baby, and so forth).

There's a great book called CribSheet by Emily Oster which examines the evidence around infant feeding. That chapter might be really helpful for you once you're in the right space to take it in. People deserve evidence based information about infant feeding.

@Putonyourshoes I tend to trust a woman knows what she wants when she asks for a specific kind of support. I don't understand what your last point means - asking "please convince me formula won't ruin my child's life" is quite clearly asking for reassurance about formula. I'm not sure how you can frame that other way?

By all means, give her breastfeeding advice too. That's wonderful, and it seems to have helped OP judging from her reply. My point is that you are framing other people as being unhelpful when they are directly responding to OP's specific request.

I’ve missed what replies you’ve given to OP in regards, so my responses may not have applied to you. I’m not so much irked by people saying if you decide to give formula that is ok, of course it is, I combi fed with my son as it’s what worked for us, I wholeheartedly believe formula feeding is fine! It’s the comments that come with it that dismiss the OPs want to breastfeed as almost being silly. I’ve been in the situation where I was working hard to provide breast milk for my baby and having people tell you that you needn’t bother is really disheartening.
And amongst a sea of comments telling her that formula feeding is fine, I commented explaining what my situation was and how important accessing BF support is if that’s you’re preferred method of feeding and was told I was pressuring.

OP, I couldn't produce any milk for my twins despite desperately wanting to BF. I was devastated for ages, but they're 8 now and it all seems so trivial. We still have a great bond, they have excellent immune systems and are rarely ill. They thrived on formula.

My only regret is giving it so much head space.

@Putonyourshoes but that's my point - if someone asks "please convince me formula feeding Won't ruin my child's life" then of course the replies will all be telling that formula feeding is okay. That's explicitly what she asked for.

I only saw one reply here that I could interpret as implying that wanting to breastfeed is silly, and judging from that posters other posts I don't think that's what they actually intended to imply. Perhaps I missed a few comments.

This is what makes these conversations so divisive. I said in my other post, I actually loved breastfeeding by the end of my experience. I feel really strongly that women are not supported enough and I desperately wish that every woman that wanted to breastfeed could do so. But I still always find myself being accused of being anti-breastfeeding (not by you or in this thread). It's a bizarre subject where everything you say gets twisted into something entirely different.

I actually didn’t love breastfeeding! Ha. I found I got “touched out” a lot and I enjoyed the freedom combi feeding gave me with accepting help from my husband and Mum.
I think what I’ve been trying to say is yes, if you isolate that last sentence, people have responded with reassurance that formula feeding is fine, nothing to worry about, etc. But, reading the whole post it just felt like an enormous cry for help. And I do think I interpreted that correctly as like you said, OP has responded to comments re: nipples shields, accessing support.
I did say in my original post that I understood those responding with formula is fine etc were well-meaning. I just know from being in a similar position, wanting to breastfeed and having a very bumpy road with it, when all you are told is “it isn’t the end of the world to formula feed”, you feel very unheard.

@Putonyourshoes your interpretation may well be correct, and I'm very glad OP got good breastfeeding advice. But I've been in OP's situation too, and in all honesty the breastfeeding advice would have irritated me. If I wanted breastfeeding advice, I'd ask for exactly that! But I shouldn't project that on OP as she's probably less grumpy than me and she has appreciated the advice - but I just don't think that it was fair to imply that people responding to what OP actually asked were pressuring her to give up breastfeeding.

Again, I do just want to reiterate that just because I would have found the BF advice irritating I'm not at all saying it's wrong to give it as most people would probably feel differently to me - I was just giving my perspective on that. My comment is only about the negative framing of people's reassurances about formula. I just think it's mad that conversations about bf and formula always end up as a slanging match and I do think it's a lot because people being neutral/positive about formula get told they're being anti breastfeeding. I kind of just wanted to nip that sentiment in the bud so OP's thread didn't get derailed. But here we are anyway, lol

PS @Putonyourshoes I get what you mean about feeling touched out. I did get a bit less enthusiastic when my LO teethed early and deciding biting my nipples was great fun

I feel like I'm misunderstanding your comment, you said in your original comment that you were glad of all the support you had from those around you to continue trying to bf but then in this comment it sounds very much like a lot of external pressure to bf was applied, that is not a good thing.
I would be so angry if I was struggling to make bf work and my partner put together a ton of info on how great bf is, that's basically your partner saying "it doesn't matter how much you're struggling or how upset it's making you, it's best for baby so you should continue until you make it work" very misogynistic.

The bottom line is that it's a societal pressure driven by outdated and incorrect beliefs that it's better for baby, in reality, babies don't give a hoot how they're fed as long as they're fed. The pressure for women to continue trying to bf when it's just not working leads to women through no fault of their own underfeeding their babies because that little voice in their heads (and often a great nanny external voices too) are telling them that continuing to offer tiny amounts of bm, struggling mentally and physically with the effort of it and having an unhappy, hungry baby is still better than feeding formula, it's absolutely crazy and needs to stop.

Update for anyone interested 😂

I went and bought some nipple shields like lots of you suggested and it worked! She latched on straight away she's also now latching on without the nipple shield.

Thank you for your help everyone.