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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not want to go to a person’s 4th wedding

192 replies

Whingebagg · 19/07/2022 15:32

Just that really. Being a guest can be expensive. All the travel too. Finding babysitters. IMO she needs to stop getting married. It’s not working for her. I want to politely decline but I know she’s going to take it badly.

OP posts:
SurfBox · 20/07/2022 10:13

My dad will probably get married four times. His first wife died of cancer, with his second wife they had a toxic relationship from both sides that wasn't good for either of them (neither of them were wrong, just different), his third wife died of a stroke. He's now with someone he met whose husband died of cancer and they're very happy together - I think they may well marry one day and they both deserve every happiness they can get. Anyone who commented that he needs to stop getting married would get a stern glare from me

well if 2 of the wives died it's different than divorcing them all.

birchtree23 · 20/07/2022 10:15

I've got an old friend who's getting married and their relationship is a car crash already. Finding the right time to leave the hen party chat. Cant be arsed.

ReneBumsWombats · 20/07/2022 10:16

I will agree that if you can't go to a wedding with good grace, you shouldn't go at all. Not sure I'd describe it as a friendship if that's how you feel about it though.

The two reasons that seem to me to be the best ones - concern for the kids and for the bride if she has a habit of making bad relationship choices - seem to be the two that people are least concerned about. The overwhelming feeling seems to be that she should be embarrassed or ashamed for not confirming to a social code, or not being like various posters are themselves.

chickenegg · 20/07/2022 10:18

I wonder if people outside of MN realise how little their so-called 'friends' actually think of them.

If you don't want to go, don't go.

Vikinga · 20/07/2022 10:22

It's her wedding. Some relationships don't last that long or there are issues. You sound very judgy and she would be better off without a bitchy snidey person like you at her wedding so do her a favour and turn down the invitation.

SkeletonFight · 20/07/2022 10:33

SurfBox · 20/07/2022 10:13

My dad will probably get married four times. His first wife died of cancer, with his second wife they had a toxic relationship from both sides that wasn't good for either of them (neither of them were wrong, just different), his third wife died of a stroke. He's now with someone he met whose husband died of cancer and they're very happy together - I think they may well marry one day and they both deserve every happiness they can get. Anyone who commented that he needs to stop getting married would get a stern glare from me

well if 2 of the wives died it's different than divorcing them all.

Oh so that's OK then? How about if they cheated on him and left him? Would that be "different" then too?

ReneBumsWombats · 20/07/2022 10:34

I'm really a bit disturbed by the idea that the only acceptable reason to be legally single is because someone died.

MurderAtTheBeautyPageant · 20/07/2022 10:36

If she was a good friend and I thought it’d be fun I’d go. But I wouldn’t be filled with hope that this time she’d found the one who was going to last. And I sure as hell wouldn’t be travelling miles and shelling out £££ to attend.

People who get married that many times can’t be all pearl clutchy if there’s a little cynicism and some eye-rolling from some of your nearest and dearest. You’ve had the same guests gussied up in their best party wear watching you swear undying love to three different people already.

Get married as many times as you wish, just don’t expect your friends and family to be as excited at wedding no.4 as they were at wedding no.1.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 20/07/2022 10:39

No judgment of her marrying several times - sometimes life is like that - but I don’t think you should have to go if it’s difficult for you.

SkeletonFight · 20/07/2022 10:40

ReneBumsWombats · 20/07/2022 10:34

I'm really a bit disturbed by the idea that the only acceptable reason to be legally single is because someone died.

Maybe this is why there are so many unhappy marriage stories on MN.

ReneBumsWombats · 20/07/2022 11:29

SkeletonFight · 20/07/2022 10:40

Maybe this is why there are so many unhappy marriage stories on MN.

And some downright strange ones. There was an OP the other day who was married, but lived separately from her husband because he couldn't stand her kids, and also wanted to keep his finances completely separate to the point that she described him as "secretive" about them. She herself got offended at the idea that she ought to have some idea of how much money her husband has.

It's a frigging financial contract!!!

When asked why on earth they'd married, she said they wanted to make a public declaration of their commitment. But private transparency between the people involved in that commitment was verboten. For them, it seemed that marriage was about a public status. It certainly wasn't about "all that I have, I share with you". For some people, marriage is a religious commitment involving God. For others, it most certainly is not.

For the record, I don't think it's generally a good idea to marry someone you don't care for, although you can get successful marriages of convenience as long as everyone involved is fully informed and consenting. Perhaps they're more likely to last, I don't know.

But one thing is clear: marriage means different things to different people and you simply cannot dictate how everyone else ought to feel about it.

The only thing they've all got in common, assuming they are legally binding ceremonies, is that they all create a legal contract between the people involved. It's foolish to ignore that.

OooErr · 20/07/2022 11:43

ReneBumsWombats · 20/07/2022 10:16

I will agree that if you can't go to a wedding with good grace, you shouldn't go at all. Not sure I'd describe it as a friendship if that's how you feel about it though.

The two reasons that seem to me to be the best ones - concern for the kids and for the bride if she has a habit of making bad relationship choices - seem to be the two that people are least concerned about. The overwhelming feeling seems to be that she should be embarrassed or ashamed for not confirming to a social code, or not being like various posters are themselves.

The social code bit comes from the expectations put upon other people.
The couple themselves can marry, form a legal contract blah2 as many times as they want.
But expecting other people to be as excited and pull out all the stops is a bit too far.

I believe marriage is a lifelong commitment. Not just a legal contract, but a wedding is a big life change. And exciting! I’ll spend a good bit of my own money on someone’s first wedding. Travel, babysitting, time off work etc. The ‘big day’ itself is an experience!

For next weddings? I’ll certainly wish them well. But they’ve already had their turn at the big event, and lead up to it. Not inclined to put in that much effort.

For ANY wedding anyway it’s the couple that finds it the most exciting…

OooErr · 20/07/2022 11:46

Also @ReneBumsWombats I get that people might want to celebrate their next weddings with loved ones. Fair enough, but if that was really the intention they wouldn’t ask for gifts, hold it somewhere convenient. After all they’ve had the ‘flash’ party already. I’d happily attend something like that!

ReneBumsWombats · 20/07/2022 12:00

OooErr · 20/07/2022 11:46

Also @ReneBumsWombats I get that people might want to celebrate their next weddings with loved ones. Fair enough, but if that was really the intention they wouldn’t ask for gifts, hold it somewhere convenient. After all they’ve had the ‘flash’ party already. I’d happily attend something like that!

By that logic, nobody would ever have a gift list or a destination wedding even for a first wedding, because they should be focused on celebrating with loved ones.

Johnnysgirl · 20/07/2022 17:08

ReneBumsWombats · 20/07/2022 12:00

By that logic, nobody would ever have a gift list or a destination wedding even for a first wedding, because they should be focused on celebrating with loved ones.

No, your "logic" doesn't really work, Rene.

VickyEadieofThigh · 20/07/2022 17:11

Summersdreaming · 19/07/2022 15:42

Decline, and promise to attend the next one.

😂

ReneBumsWombats · 20/07/2022 17:36

Johnnysgirl · 20/07/2022 17:08

No, your "logic" doesn't really work, Rene.

Well I guess that settles it, then.

But it's not my logic.

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