To think there should be a point at which they trust my judgement?

[UndertheCedartree]

Genuinely, asking this question. I'm a bit confused and not sure if I've really messed up. I don't want to drip feed but equally don't want an essay so I'll try to give the important information and happy to clarify if necessary.

Starting 5 years ago my 2 DC (15 & 10) have been under Children's services Child in Need. This happened as I had a mental breakdown. The case was closed about 6 months ago. Due to abuse in my childhood from my dad one of the stipulations was that they couldn't be alone with my parents. My parents live in a different country and due to Covid we've not seen them much over the past 2 years. My mum is keen to get to know her grandchildren better. We arranged that today my mum would pick up my DD from school (in her car with air con) and take her to the cinema (more air con.) I thought as the case had been closed and my mental health is much better (in terms of me being able to make a judgement) that this would be ok. But I've just found out Children's Services are opening their case again due to this. What do you think? I love my mum and want her to see her grandchildren, but maybe we should have planned for me to go along?

You say that you find it very hard to talk to your mum about what your dad did - I suspect because you both do actually know it was abuse. That's why it's hard to discuss.

I couldn't access therapy to deal with my narc family member but I posted on here and it was actually as good as seeing a therapist in many ways - would you be willing to talk more about what happened?

I was never told to end the relationship with either parent.

Just had a duty SW call. She has said they had concerns about my DD having unsupervised contact with my dad. I told her it was just my mum and she said that was ok. I asked if they were going back on CIN (which was what school lead me to believe) and she said she didn't know. Hopefully not as my DS hates talking to SWs.

Well, you had previously been giving the appearance of better judgement? How were they to predict you would suddenly think this a good idea after previously accepting it should be avoided?

So they did trust your judgement until you gave them pause with this decision. They haven't intervened because of general distrust, they have intervened in response to a specific decision. Surely you can see the difference?

If I sent my kids off to play on the motorway, do you think I should be able to dismiss concerns with "you should trust my judgement" ?

I don't want to massively go into it but you are on the right lines. I'm going to talk to my therapist about this.

You let your DC alone with someone who condoned your abuse, no wonder the school are reporting this. They have a duty of care to your children. If this were me I would have no contact with either of my parents.

Whats to stop your mum taking dc to your dad ...if shes in the car with them for example?

You still dont seem to see your mum as complicit in the abuse of you.... have you ever discussed it with her and why the dc were CIN?

I think you should definitely pursue the therapy for you with your gp...it can be really hard to deal with all that trauma without help...

Grandparents dont always deserve a relationship with dc .....

You keep saying it wasn't considered abuse back then, as though that somehow lessens it. Just because the terminology wasn't in place then doesn't mean the abuse wasn't serious. Was your mum aware it was happening? That for me is key. If she didn't and only found out a while afterwards, I might be inclined to consider a relationship, although the fact she's stayed with your dad is awful given that she now knows what he did. If she did know, why on earth would you want a relationship with someone who stood by and did nothing and could easily do the same if your dad ever engineered it so he'd see your DC too.

I just want to preface this and say I appreciate my thoughts may be a bit confused. Also I don't want to talk about this in a lot of detail. I honestly don't think my mum would consider it abuse and probably wasn't particularly aware of it. I would rather her not be with my dad. I see my dad occasionally, purely because he is with my mum. I have been trying for years to get proper therapy for my childhood but I'm not sure it is available on the NHS.

But what if your mother took your children to see your father? School have done the right thing, that might not be easy for you to hear but those children need to be kept safe.

With respect, your judgement is off, and that is absolutely NOTHING against you, OP, because we are conditioned to believe that what we grew up with is/was 'normal' and conditioning is incredibly difficult to shake off.

However, the fact is that you were abused to such an extent in your childhood that it has seriously affected your mental health to the extent that Social Services has stepped in: that's pretty fucking serious.

PPs have mentioned that your mother is an enabler due to staying with a known child abuser: I won't comment further on this other than to say that the cycle of abuse is well-known, and people who may well have suffered from abuse themselves are not always the best advocates of others.

I think you need to very careful to adhere to SS's conditions to the literal letter, tenuous though it may seem. Your relationship with your children is more important than any relationship with their grandparents.

Oh love you need therapy to untangle all of this. I hope you can access some soon. Good luck.

You mother has stood by a child abuser knowing fine we'll what he done, that makes her just as bad in my opinion.

Why did the school tell you they would be going on the CIN plan again? It's not upto them.

It sounds like you are in denial about your mums part in this. And rightly the authorities recognise that denial and are trying to safeguard your children.

(I am a victim of CSA)
You allowed your abuser access to your kids, and still would like him to access them. You want his enabler, his pro child abuse/pro paedophile wife to continue to access your kids too. This is so far beyond the realms of being in any way ok, it’s genuinely horrifying. You need urgent help with your judgement.

Safeguard your kids from child abusers.

Also, how can you bare the thought your dad might, just might get access to your kids through your mum? Your mum probably lied to you saying she knew nothing, yet you trust her on this.
The thought of it makes my toes curl.

Your mother does not need to be alone with your daughter to build a relationship with her. School and social services believe that your children should not be with your parents without supervision. Go with your mother to pick your child up from school and go with them to the cinema. Even though the social worker said it is OK for your Mum to be alone with your daughter, if you do this, you will invite more scrutiny and put your children through more scrutiny. You have already said that your son does not like this - you have the power to stop this now.

Abuse doesn’t necessarily mean CSA, it could be physical violence for example. In fact I struggle to think how CSA wouldn’t have been considered abuse at the time.

Thanks for the pedantry 🙄
the couple are still child abusers. HTH

This with bells on. I think you've made a poor judgement here OP. What a shame for your children who were beginning to turn a corner in life. I'm sorry if that's harsh but it's true.

Your dad is abuser. Your mum an enabler. You are in denial about the whole thing. And yes,your kids should be protected from all this.

Your mum enables your abuse by your dad. Why on earth would you trust her not to enable him to abuse your children?

Your judgement on this is way off, sorry. You are allowing unsupervised contact with a woman who has a track record of enabling child abuse.

It wasn't considered abuse back then.

Also this is bullshit. You need more help than you realise if you can't understand why it's bullshit. A ruler to the knuckles or a slipper to the backside was considered discipline "back then" and would be abuse nowadays, but would certainly not warrant a prevention order being in place for YOUR children. I'm sorry that happened to you.

I don't understand why school reported to CS the fact that your DD was going to be alone with your mum if, as you claim, they were not under instructions to do so.