To think there should be a point at which they trust my judgement?

[UndertheCedartree]

Genuinely, asking this question. I'm a bit confused and not sure if I've really messed up. I don't want to drip feed but equally don't want an essay so I'll try to give the important information and happy to clarify if necessary.

Starting 5 years ago my 2 DC (15 & 10) have been under Children's services Child in Need. This happened as I had a mental breakdown. The case was closed about 6 months ago. Due to abuse in my childhood from my dad one of the stipulations was that they couldn't be alone with my parents. My parents live in a different country and due to Covid we've not seen them much over the past 2 years. My mum is keen to get to know her grandchildren better. We arranged that today my mum would pick up my DD from school (in her car with air con) and take her to the cinema (more air con.) I thought as the case had been closed and my mental health is much better (in terms of me being able to make a judgement) that this would be ok. But I've just found out Children's Services are opening their case again due to this. What do you think? I love my mum and want her to see her grandchildren, but maybe we should have planned for me to go along?

The thing is, I can only write what I honestly have experienced and feel. I may be in denial, I have agreed with this. I have a huge psychological block around this which I have explained many times. I can't physically force myself to start seeing things in a certain way if my brain won't do it. I've been asking for help with this for years. I mean I could just lie. Except my autism doesn't let me!

I've not said 'this time it was fine', what I've said is the Social Worker said my judgement was good. That's got to count for something, surely? And I'm being again completely honest that I don't understand why my dad would meet my mum at the cinema. Firstly, he was no where near and my mum had the car. Secondly, the last thing he would want to do is watch a kids film. He doesn't have a particular interest in the children. He tolerates seeing them occasionally. So why would he make this big plan to take advantage of my mum taking DD to the cinema? To do what? Hit her and then never see us again? It makes no sense to me, genuinely.

Prior to my current role, I was a social worker in CS for many years.
The legal threshold for intervention is quite high so not meeting these requirements does not mean that’s what most of us would want as parents. There’s a difference between ‘good enough’ parenting and ‘good parenting’. You come across as though you have the capacity and drive to be a good parent.
Your minimising is evidence that your judgement continues to be influenced by the abuse you suffered in childhood. This isn’t a criticism, it’s an observation. Your views are impacted emotions and experience and I sincerely hope you do access the support you need. You’ve had negative experiences and emotions.
Please try to take a step back and perhaps you will objectively see that you are minimising the situation. I think you’d benefit from support in real life because I think MN will make you dig your heels in more if you feel attacked and that’s not helpful.

Thank you for your kind and thoughtful reply. I agree with what you say. The problem is I would access the support I need if the support I need were available. I am very committed to engaging and trying to improve. I did DBT for a year as an inpatient in order to be able to do Schema therapy in the community to deal with my childhood. I had to wait 2 years and was then offered 4 months of therapy. I'm still trying my best with that but it is clearly not going to deal with anything from childhood. If I could access what my hospital psychologist said I need I'd put everything in to it. As I have said I may well be minimising things but that is just honestly how I feel even though it might not be right. You are right I feel attacked and that hurts me a lot. My DC are the most important thing to me. I would genuinely not do anything if I thought it would put them in harm's way. The problem is support is not always available in real life and while you always get lots of unhelpful replies on here, I always find there are some really insightful helpful posts which is why I post here.

Wait... Earlier you said that CN/SS said that your Mother couldn't have unsupervised access in case it lead to unsupervised access with your abusive Father, but now they are ok with it?

It's very simple, if your Father abused you he could easily abuse your DC.
If your Mother doesn't know your Father was abusive to you (or knows and doesn't see it as serious - it is! - or pretends it didn't happen) she could unwittingly provide your abusive Father access to your DC.

The only way to keep your DC safe is to not allow unsupervised access to her/them by your DM.

If you disclose the abuse to your Mother and she doesn't leave your DF then you know where you stand with her - she is an unsafe person who would minimise/cover up or otherwise enable an abuser and shouldn't be allowed unsupervised access to your DC.

Please read my posts and you will see the duty SW phoned me and said it was ok for my mum to have contact unsupervised but not my dad. I also thought they were reopening as Child in need but after talking to pastoral care teacher at DD's school she thinks it will be Early Help.

If my dad wants to see the DC he'll tell me. He's not usually bothered.

I really do think your judgement is off. You've said that your mum doesn't see it as abuse. That you don't feel able to tell her she can't see the kids alone. But that your dad would never lay a finger on your kids.

If they didn't see it as abuse, and still don't see it as abuse. Why would 1. Your dad never do it again, he doesn't see anything wrong with it. And 2. Your mum make damn sure her husband is no where near her grandkids? She doesn't think he did anything wrong. Plus, if you don't feel comfortable with that conversation with your mum, are you really going to to be able to stand up to your dad if he ever did lay a finger on your kids?

I think you're obviously struggling and its good you're trying to get counselling. But I think you need to see that because of your upbringing that you don't have very good judgement when it comes to your parents. It sounds like you're feeling alot of obligation to them. And I think you're underestimating the level of obligation your mum will feel to your dad too

I really hope you get the help you've been waiting for

Sorry @UndertheCedartree I've just re-read my post and I didn't mean if your Father abused you as in "it might not have happened", I was meaning in the sense that it would be easy for him to abuse you C too. I'm glad youseem to have taken it as it was intended but I wanted to clarify because that would upset me if our roles were reversed.

In one of your earlier posts did you not say you had been advised not to allow your Mother unsupervised access because they were concerned it may lead to your Father gaining access?

I think that may be the case, I don't know. I was able to tell her she couldn't see the kids alone. I just can't talk about the abuse. I also don't know what my dad thinks about it, although he did say something to me once suggesting he regretted it. My dad would never do it to my DC as he knows my views and if he did he would never see us again. Thank you for your advice.

Thank you so much.

Thank you for the clarification and yes, I took it the way you intended 😊

Yes, when I had a mental breakdown I was advised to not let either parent have unsupervised contact. I wasn't in a place to really make good judgements then so I understand how they felt it was better to be cautious and advice neither have unsupervised contact. When I told school my DD's granny was picking her up from school, they informed Children's services, as they wanted to check it was ok. After I had posted my OP the duty SW phoned me. She said that it was fine for my DM to have unsupervised contact but not my dad. I think they know now that I am able to judge it correctly and so the situation wouldn't lead to inadvertent unsupervised contact with my dad.

It sounds like the systems kicked into action when they should and that's great. It's protecting you and it's protecting your children.

I hope you get the support you need too - services are chronically underfunded as you know so it's a waiting game and a post code lottery. Keep pushing for it

Thank you so much.

I just want to clarify something. My DC were not under CS because of my dad. I have never discussed anything about him with CS. I did tell my hospital psychologist that he hit me and my brother. Yes, it was abuse. That's all CS know. I agree wholeheartedly to not allow my DC to be alone with him. We are low contact. I absolutely don't think he would ever hit my DC. He knows how against hitting I am and he has told me he regrets it. He would never see us again if he raised a hand to my DC or showed any kind of aggression to them. He never has. He isn't that bothered about them really and sees them very rarely. I fully take on the point that I'm in denial re: my mum. I have little memory of my childhood and don't remember my mum being there when my dad hit me. I definitely think school did the right thing to pass on information as they had a concern.

As to my question - should there be a point that CS trust my judgement? Yes, I think there should be. Am I at that point now? Maybe not fully but I'm getting closer. CS confirmed my judgement was sound which I take as a positive. Thank you to everyone who has given me genuine advice, it has really helped.

Due to abuse in my childhood from my dad one of the stipulations was that they couldn't be alone with my parents
This is what you said in your opening post, op. Hardly surprising that that's what posters responded to. Now you say that's not the case at all.
I'll ask again; what do you want from this thread?

Have you never heard of threads moving on? If you'd read my posts you'll see exactly what happened. I can say what I certainly don't want from this thread and that is people coming on just to have a go at me, especially when they've not even read the thread. If you've got nothing to contribute, that's fine, scroll on. It's a bit silly saying 'what do you want from this thread' when many posters have given me great advice and well wishes. I'm getting what I want from this thread. I also clearly answered the question already. My answer won't change just because you ask again!

Being snippy doesn't help you @UndertheCedartree

You've backtracked and tried to justify yourself so many times people are frankly bored now. You've given an update and dont want to be questioned . Why not just have a conversation with the mirror, saves others getting involved and trying to help.

Wait now I’m a little lost.what were they under cs for?

People are frankly bored? This is my actual life not some entertainment for you of an evening! Noone is forcing you to read my posts if you are bored. People have helped me for which I've been very grateful. I'll never understand people coming on here to attack someone vulnerable. It really doesn't make you look very nice, atall. I've not back tracked and I'm happy to be questioned. Show me where I've back tracked and ask me a question if you like.

@kateandme - I had a mental breakdown

Have you never heard of threads moving on?
Well, they don't generally "move on" to the point of salient details being completely changed, but hey... 🤷🏻‍♀️

I honestly don't understand this. Surely, within the context you can understand what happened? I posted before speaking to the SW. Honestly, what do you want - me to lie about the facts to make you happy? Do you realise this is real life - things change, things are nuanced, things are messy. Real life isn't some neat little story where 'salient details' always remain the same. Honestly, what are you getting out of being mean to me? This isn't an easy thing for me to write about, there are plenty of posters that have understood and have been kind and given me good insights and advice. If you're not able to do that I don't get why you keep posting. This is the worst thing about MN there are always people about who just use it for entertainment and for some reason find it entertaining to pick on anyone vulnerable.

I just wanted to say luckily I didn't take you seriously but if I had telling me my DC would be moved onto a PLO would have really upset me. I'm not sure what your job is, but your judgement is way off. A family whose case is closed and DC have never been on CP do not suddenly go to PLO. PLO is not explained to a family who just need some support, who have never been asked to make any changes. We have been referred to Early help, not put on a PLO. Maybe think before you say things like that in future. Also just wanted to say I'm not being 'snarky', I have just written what I genuinely think after having reflected. I also wanted to say thank you for wishing me luck, I appreciate it.