To think there should be a point at which they trust my judgement?

[UndertheCedartree]

Genuinely, asking this question. I'm a bit confused and not sure if I've really messed up. I don't want to drip feed but equally don't want an essay so I'll try to give the important information and happy to clarify if necessary.

Starting 5 years ago my 2 DC (15 & 10) have been under Children's services Child in Need. This happened as I had a mental breakdown. The case was closed about 6 months ago. Due to abuse in my childhood from my dad one of the stipulations was that they couldn't be alone with my parents. My parents live in a different country and due to Covid we've not seen them much over the past 2 years. My mum is keen to get to know her grandchildren better. We arranged that today my mum would pick up my DD from school (in her car with air con) and take her to the cinema (more air con.) I thought as the case had been closed and my mental health is much better (in terms of me being able to make a judgement) that this would be ok. But I've just found out Children's Services are opening their case again due to this. What do you think? I love my mum and want her to see her grandchildren, but maybe we should have planned for me to go along?

Your mum has stayed with your Dad despite knowing about the abuse. If she didn't know at the time that's one thing but she knows now and because she has stayed with him that brings her judgement into question. You have absolutely no guarantee she won't facilitate the DC seeing your Dad when they are in her sole care. You or someone else needs to be present to ensure she isn't manipulated into allowing DC to be with your Dad.

Yes.

But you're nowhere near that point

If you were subject to a ChIN because you were in an abusive relationship, and one of the stipulations was that you had to end the relationship, and you did, so eventually they decided it wasn't needed anymore. Do you think getting back with the said partner would be acceptable?
You had a mental breakdown, partly caused by the abuse you suffered from your father. I'm guessing your mother knew and turned a blind eye.

You were taken off the ChIN because you complied with the stipulations. If you had let your mother be alone with your children, you would still be subject to it now.

Given that you cannot understand this, they're quite right to question your judgement.

Not exactly a fun topic but a necessary one. You have actually told her what happened to you haven't you? It almost sounds like it's all been brushed under the carpet and then living abroad plus covid has provided a natural barrier without the need to actually tell her about the abuse.

Your dm is still with your abuser? Her judgement is skewed so of course she shouldn't have your dc unsupervised.
For the protection you never got.

You need to see that..

I have done this, thank you.

The fact your mum is still with your dad shows that her judgement cannot be trusted, and i'm not sure why you would want your children around either of them

I suppose for the same reasons anyone wants their DC to have a relationship with their grandparents. Obviously, they already have a relationship with them now.

I thought it was for while they were on Child in need but once I was well enough for them not to be I thought I could make my own judgement call on the situation.

Ok, that makes sense.

Fair enough. I was unsure as Children's services haven't said that my mum isn't allowed to get my DD - i.e they've not instructed school not to hand her over to her Granny. Just that they have some concerns.

Ok, I shouldn't have said 'stipulation', I should have said recommendation as that is what everything is on Child in need. But, thank you, I appreciate your thoughts.

Sorry, I should have made clear it wasn't mandated as they were on Child in need which is non-statutory.

I would probably have said that too. But it wasn't considered abuse back then. I had no idea CS would classify it like that. My mum had no idea either. We have always had a good, loving relationship. To end the relationship would upset my DC, my mum and me.

OP - how do you feel about the fact your mum stayed with your dad after he abused you? It sounds like you still see your dad too. Why is this?

The most worrying thing to me is that you didn’t immediately change the plan. Even if the only risk to your children is through social services why are you prioritising your mums feelings over preventing social services involvement. It sounds like you are still under their control in some way.

I'm going too. The situation is exactly as I described. The case has been reopened but it is not very serious in that they haven't told school not to hand DD over to my mum so they are obviously not too concerned about this exact situation but perhaps about the possibility of her being alone with my dad in the future.

Can we ask what exactly your dad did if it wasn't considered abuse? Was it hitting? I'm trying to understand the risk to children here. If it was sexual abuse that's one scenario. If it was the occasional smack in a time and a country when this was considered "normal" parenting, that's a different scenario.

It wasn't considered abuse back then. So that's what I mean, she didn't knowingly enable abuse. But I accept my judgement on this may not be good. I wish I could get therapy to properly deal with my childhood - but that's another story.

This is illogical. They said no contact, that naturally covers not collecting from school.

They don't mandate restrictions if the parent can be trusted to make safe decisions. If the parent then shows they can't or won't, they intervene.

Yes, they had recommended they shouldn't be alone with either parent. I think because of the concern being alone with my mum may lead to them being alone with my dad.

I think this is really concerning to be honest, your mum knows why she can't see them alone, because she lives with an abusive man, didn't protect you as a child, and therefore can not be relied on to protect your children.

The fact she can't just accept seeing the kids with you and is 'upset' about not being able to take them alone is a big red flag. She can still have a relationship with her grandchildren, she just doesn't get the chance to take them to 'just pop in and see grandpa quickly' or any other foolishness, because she has shown from your upbringing she won't respect this.

Ok, thank you.

Gosh, I honestly thought I was. Surely, they wouldn't close the case if my judgement was so bad. Or put them on Child protection. Or stop my DD being handed over to my mum?

Why leave your children with your parents? I certainly wouldn't if they are guilty of any abuse or pose as a risk.