To think there should be a point at which they trust my judgement?

[UndertheCedartree]

Genuinely, asking this question. I'm a bit confused and not sure if I've really messed up. I don't want to drip feed but equally don't want an essay so I'll try to give the important information and happy to clarify if necessary.

Starting 5 years ago my 2 DC (15 & 10) have been under Children's services Child in Need. This happened as I had a mental breakdown. The case was closed about 6 months ago. Due to abuse in my childhood from my dad one of the stipulations was that they couldn't be alone with my parents. My parents live in a different country and due to Covid we've not seen them much over the past 2 years. My mum is keen to get to know her grandchildren better. We arranged that today my mum would pick up my DD from school (in her car with air con) and take her to the cinema (more air con.) I thought as the case had been closed and my mental health is much better (in terms of me being able to make a judgement) that this would be ok. But I've just found out Children's Services are opening their case again due to this. What do you think? I love my mum and want her to see her grandchildren, but maybe we should have planned for me to go along?

Really? That's interesting. I'm not sure I can, though. When I think about things I just completely shut down 😔 I also have Emotionally Unstable PD.

It's not the same thing atall. Anyway turns out my judgement was ok as the duty SW just wanted to make sure my DD wouldn't have unsupervised contact with my dad. Turns out it is ok for my mum to collect her from school.

Because she knows it is against my wishes. I haven't really discussed it with her no. I mean obviously I told her when they couldn't be alone with the DC. It is something I find really hard to talk about.

Why are you emphasising the air con? I doubt SS are that bothered that child abusing grandparents are being careful their grandchildren don’t overheat. I imagine that they are slightly more concerned about your lack of judgement in allowing them access to the children.

Yes, that makes sense. I have lots of mixed feelings about the whole situation. I don't know if my mum knows. Like she still doesn't know, perhaps. My dad does still see them when I'm there. I know he would never touch them but he doesn't get the chance all the same. CS are now saying that it is ok for my DC to be with him if my mum is there but I wouldn't do that anyway. The thing is they already have a relationship with their grandparents. It's not like I'm considering whether they should have a relationship - they already do.

Re:therapy - I have been pursuing it for years. Way beyond GP stage. I thought I was finally going to get long term therapy and they gave me 4 months.

I know...I'm seeing a therapist now - we have 4 months to do Schema (should be more like 2 years). I'm just starting to trust her - we've only got 6 weeks left so will only be touching on the superficial stuff.

I was giving an example OP. In your case the recommendation was to not allow your parents to be alone with your child. Allowing your parents to be alone with your kids is the same as going back to an abusive partner.

It still puts your children at risk. If you had continued to allow them to be alone with their grandparents while you were on child in need despite the recommendation, you probably would have gone on a child protection plan. Your children aren't suddenly not at risk anymore.

I do really appreciate your honesty. In my head it's either her no big deal or I just have sensations of being scared but I don't really know what happened. I'm not sure of the ins and outs with my mum but I will say she has had a lot of trauma in her life. And yes, absolutely my relationship with my DC is my priority.

I know it's not up to them. It was after talking to the manager of the team my DC are under.

Maybe I am.

You weren't safe with your mum @UndertheCedartree .

I've said nothing about CSA. I'm sorry for what you have suffered but you are projecting.

I have a father that can’t be trusted with my dc, I know how hard it is to walk away from the dream of a loving extended family and support, but you absolutely must op.

The children’s relationship with you is paramount, absolutely paramount. Their relationship with grandparents is optional and secondary.

Given the choice, do you think they would want their stability and safety compromised for a few fleeting visits with either of your parents?
Of course not.

You are still in denial about what has happened to you (SS would never make stipulations like that without a very good reason) and because you can’t face up to the truth - understandably - you are endangering or could endanger your children, you are compromising your position as their main care provider and potentially putting them at risk again with your father.

Your mother is still with your abuser, still enabling him which is why she can never ever be trusted.SHE will always put him first over and above you, over and above your children’s safety and well being. That will never change ir she would have left him by now.

You can continue to see her if you want to, but keep your children away please, for their own good. It’s better to have no gps at all than ones that endanger them in any way.

And no, he will never change. Ever.
No your mother will never change either

Your best bet is to find safer forms of support from TODAY and show SS your progress and safe decision making. Vow not to let either parent near them again.

No, my mum hasn't lied to me. CS are ok with my dad having supervised contact. The risk is pretty low as far as I can see. He would never lay a finger on them. My mum has no reason to go behind my back.

That is what I've done.

How could you possibly know he wouldn't lay a finger on them if he did it to you?

It's not the same and you made specific reference to CSA. My mum is not a child abuser.

What do you mean they were beginning to turn a corner? How would you know anything about that. Also why is my mum picking my DD up stopping them turning a corner anyway??

Op, if what your father did was so normal and minimal at the time why do you think you are struggling so much to face up to it?

I am always with them if they see my dad.

I do need help I agree. Getting it is another matter. I suppose it seemed normal to me. Also my brother is in even more denial than it seems I am.

You are compromising your children's safety and security by seeing your parents with your children at all.

Are you still being supported by your MH team? I think this is time to get more support before SS decide they can’t guarantee your children’s safety any longer.

They report any concerns, it comes under safeguarding. Poor little DD was questioned about it twice with different members of staff and then I turned up anyway.

What do you mean they were beginning to turn a corner? How would you know anything about that. Also why is my mum picking my DD up stopping them turning a corner anyway??

I mean in the sense that Child in Need order for your children was closed and they (and you) were able to move forward as a family without intervention from CS, but now because of this incident it will be reopened or looked into again and CS may need nice again be involved. You yourself said your DS hates talking to social workers etc. Its a shame.