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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think there should be a point at which they trust my judgement?

257 replies

UndertheCedartree · 19/07/2022 13:23

Genuinely, asking this question. I'm a bit confused and not sure if I've really messed up. I don't want to drip feed but equally don't want an essay so I'll try to give the important information and happy to clarify if necessary.

Starting 5 years ago my 2 DC (15 & 10) have been under Children's services Child in Need. This happened as I had a mental breakdown. The case was closed about 6 months ago. Due to abuse in my childhood from my dad one of the stipulations was that they couldn't be alone with my parents. My parents live in a different country and due to Covid we've not seen them much over the past 2 years. My mum is keen to get to know her grandchildren better. We arranged that today my mum would pick up my DD from school (in her car with air con) and take her to the cinema (more air con.) I thought as the case had been closed and my mental health is much better (in terms of me being able to make a judgement) that this would be ok. But I've just found out Children's Services are opening their case again due to this. What do you think? I love my mum and want her to see her grandchildren, but maybe we should have planned for me to go along?

OP posts:
Nietzschethehiker · 19/07/2022 13:43

I see the update that you want them to have a relationship with her....why exactly ?

Clymene · 19/07/2022 13:43

You want them to have a relationship with a woman who lives with a child abuser.

I think when she decided to stand by him, she should have lost all rights to being a grandparent. The fact you think you can trust her with them shows that your judgement is off too

EHopes · 19/07/2022 13:44

If you can change the arrangement now so that there is a chaperone then do so.

You or someone else.

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 19/07/2022 13:44

nca · 19/07/2022 13:30

You let your kids be with an abuser and someone who enabled that abuse.

You must know that shouldn't happen surely?

Firstly, in the past I didn't know it was abuse, to me it was normal. My mum didn't enable it.

And do I just not see my mum? I love her and want to have a relationship with her. I'd never let my kids be in any harm. But it's hard enough with the little support I have without cutting out my mum and also all the upset of stopping the relationship.

OP posts:
nca · 19/07/2022 13:47

But @UndertheCedartree that's the assessment of SS from your op? Why would you think it was ok to go against their requirements ?

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 19/07/2022 13:47

yonce · 19/07/2022 13:32

If your dad abused you, why is there a stipulation about your mum too? Is it because she didn't stop it / help you? You don't mention the type of abuse which is hard, but is there a concern it'll happen to your DC too?

Tbh I'd take that stipulation really seriously (and not just for a timeframe of being under the children's service), you probably shouldn't have arranged for them to be alone together. The school have your DCs interests at heart, they have to inform especially if they think your DC is being put in an unsafe situation.

I think the reason they said they shouldn't be alone with my mum was because they thought that may lead to them being alone with my dad. There isn't a concern about it happening to my DC, it is just a precaution. They were never under Child Protection.

And I have no problem with the school informing CS as they had a concern.

OP posts:
Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 19/07/2022 13:50

BaronessBomburst · 19/07/2022 13:33

But you can't trust you mum.
She didn't protect you.
Why do you think she'll protect your children?

I can see that point of view. My dad won't be there, though so no need to protect them.

OP posts:
Cantbeliveyoufakeit · 19/07/2022 13:50

UndertheCedartree · 19/07/2022 13:35

Oh, definitely, I'm happy they are looking out for them. I'm just not sure if after investigation they will think I have made a sound judgement as DC will not be alone with my dad. Or if I should step in now and go to the cinema (or just pick DD up) with my mum?

Show quote history

Yes, go with your mum, it's the best way to show you're willing to listen to advice and put DD's welfare first. Your mum doesn't need unsupervised access to build a relationship with DD and ensuring you're always there too means you can be sure DD is ok, it's a no-brainer for me.

Preeeettyprettygood · 19/07/2022 13:50

So is your mum still with your dad then?
Regardless your mum should have protected you. I can see why the case has been opened again

Preeeettyprettygood · 19/07/2022 13:51

If you are going to do this though then I would agree you go along with your DC and mum

midairchallenger · 19/07/2022 13:51

Or if I should step in now and go to the cinema (or just pick DD up) with my mum?

Honestly, based on what you've said, if you still have to ask this question I think there is an issue with your judgement and I would have concerns too.

FetchezLaVache · 19/07/2022 13:53

If the reason for the stipulation is that your father abused you when you were a child, then that stipulation stands for all time. Don't you see that?

A stipulation is just that. It's not a recommendation. It's not for you to apply your own judgment to. CS don't forbid GPs to be alone with their GCs unless there is good reason. And your mother may not have abused you herself but at the very least, the fact that she is still with your father tells us that she condones and excuses his behaviour, which is why she is included in the stipulation.

I am really sorry, but I think you have messed up here.

nca · 19/07/2022 13:54

midairchallenger · 19/07/2022 13:51

Or if I should step in now and go to the cinema (or just pick DD up) with my mum?

Honestly, based on what you've said, if you still have to ask this question I think there is an issue with your judgement and I would have concerns too.

I agree with this sorry. It is a mandated thing. I would have assumed it lasted for all time until my kids were adults to be on the safe side. Ss don't get involved lightly

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 19/07/2022 13:55

Sweatinglikeabitch · 19/07/2022 13:34

So CS say its not safe for your children to be alone with your parents but you sent your children to be alone with your parent and now they're concerned about your judgement. Sounds fair.

Why did you decide to allow your mum to be alone with them after years of CS involvement during which it was made clear that your children aren't safe alone with them? I'm concerned about your judgement on that one.

What was your mums involvement in your abuse? And where was your dad when your mum had the kids?

There was never any focus on the (physical) abuse from my dad. CS didn't think they were at risk of harm - they were never under Child Protection. I was very unwell in the past so it was a precaution as I might not have been able to make a proper judgement. But now I feel I can. The DC love their granny and want to see her (and to a lesser extent their grandpa). My mum has no involvement in the abuse. My mum hasn't picked up my DD yet but my dad will be back at their hotel.

OP posts:
Fladdermus · 19/07/2022 13:56

Sorry OP but I agree with the others, you judgment is way off here. You say that the SS stipulation about unsupervised contact is no longer relevant as they closed the case, but the point is, a parent with sound judgment wouldn't need social services to tell them to keep their children away from abusers and their enablers. Hell would freeze over before they'd allow either of them near their kids.

StrangeCondition · 19/07/2022 13:57

So she enabled the abuse of you and yet you want her to have a relationship with your kids? I'd never be speaking to her again if this was my mum and I certainly would NOT be letting my kids have a relationship with her

50mg · 19/07/2022 13:57

The school have reported and Social Care have already reopened and DD is still watching the film?

This is not a normal level of response IME, so either there's some exaggeration or the situation is very serious indeed.

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 19/07/2022 13:58

luxxlisbon · 19/07/2022 13:34

I dunno, your judgement is obviously quite odd if you know it was ruled that your children are unsafe alone with your children and yet you are happy to let that happen.

It wasn't ruled - they weren't under Child protection. Sorry if I didn't make that clear.

OP posts:
Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 19/07/2022 13:59

SlashBeef · 19/07/2022 13:39

Then you need to supervise that relationship.

Show quote history

Ok, thank you for the advice.

OP posts:
Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 19/07/2022 14:02

Johnnysgirl · 19/07/2022 13:40

Why? She must have been around when your Dad was being abusive? Why would her judgement be any better than yours?

Show quote history

Because I love her and my DC love her. We always have nice times together. There is no risk of harm to them being with my mum. Children's services didn't feel there was any risk to them as they were never on Child protection. My mum has often visited alone and prior to Covid we were very close.

OP posts:
Fladdermus · 19/07/2022 14:05

UndertheCedartree · 19/07/2022 13:44

Firstly, in the past I didn't know it was abuse, to me it was normal. My mum didn't enable it.

And do I just not see my mum? I love her and want to have a relationship with her. I'd never let my kids be in any harm. But it's hard enough with the little support I have without cutting out my mum and also all the upset of stopping the relationship.

Show quote history

It seems like you're minimising your mum's role here and that won't sit well with SS. Or are you saying your mum didn't know it was happening and still doesn't know now? Because if she knew and didn't stop it, then she enabled it. If she knows now but has chosen to stay with an abuser, then she's enabling it. If you can't see that then you don't have the sound judgment you think you have.

nca · 19/07/2022 14:06

Due to abuse in my childhood from my dad one of the stipulations was that they couldn't be alone with my parents.

I'm really confused - I took from this above that they weren't allowed to be alone with either of your parents?

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 19/07/2022 14:07

Nietzschethehiker · 19/07/2022 13:42

I'm trying to say this as gently as possible but your judgement is still very off. Did your mum stay with your dad while you were being abused? Is she still with him? If either of those questions jave the answer yes you haven't made a safe decision

I realise you think you have but enablers of abuse are just as dangerous in many ways

Intersteingly you jave stated twice "your mum " wants a closer relationship. Not necessarily you or your dc, but your mum wants this. It reads as though you have capitulated. Been talked into something. Is your Dm still with Jim or stayed while you were being abused ? Whilst everyone understands how this can happen it also doesn't necessarily mean they are safe.

This wasn't a safe decision. I say this gently but perhaps you still need the support if you are making this kind of judgement call.

It wasn't really considered abuse in those days. But yes to both.

I do want a close relationship but yes, she was very upset about not being able to be alone with them. She has asked when she can. I thought it was ok.

I really appreciate the advice. I will go with them to the cinema.

OP posts:
ElizaJones · 19/07/2022 14:08

Is she is still with your Dad, knowing he abused you, she is not safe to be around your kids

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 19/07/2022 14:08

I find it hard to talk to my mum about why she couldn't see them alone. I see that me being there is for the best.

OP posts: