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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Going on holiday with in-laws sounds like hell on earth

162 replies

WilsonMilson · 19/07/2022 12:23

Inspired by some threads I’ve read recently, I’m struck by how many people seem to take holidays with extended family, parents, in-laws, siblings and their families.

This is my idea of absolute hell.

I could just about stretch to going with my parents for a short break, but even then I’d rather not. There is no way I would entertain going abroad with my in-laws or siblings / in law siblings and their kids to a villa. Absolutely no way.

Now that I think of it, this goes for house guests too. We had my aunt and uncle to stay for a few days recently, I love them to bits but couldn’t wait for them to go so I could get my space back and my house clean and tidy again and not have to be constant hostess catering to every whim.

Is it just me? Am I just an anti social old fun sucker for enjoying DH and DS company. I love seeing family and friends, but the last thing I want is to be on holiday with them or having enforced extended inescapable contact.

OP posts:
Mischance · 19/07/2022 13:29

Oh yes - and the gang of cousins all rampaging about and having a lovely time is just a joy to see!

The other factor is that I have a very full life on my own and so I hope none of my family feel obliged to ask me as I am so needy!

VickyEadieofThigh · 19/07/2022 13:32

I feel the same way, OP. I can count on the fingers of two fingers the friends I would countenance going on holiday these days (others have been great friends otherwise, but not so good as holiday companions) and there are no family with whom it would occur these days.

This bit also caught my attention: "Now that I think of it, this goes for house guests too. We had my aunt and uncle to stay for a few days recently, I love them to bits but couldn’t wait for them to go so I could get my space back and my house clean and tidy again and not have to be constant hostess catering to every whim." ABSOLUTELY. We occasionally have close friends to stay but by the 3rd day I want them gone!

zafferana · 19/07/2022 13:32

YANBU to feel that way, but many of us do it out of a sense of duty. If you marry someone, you also marry their family, unless they are estranged. And part of that is often sucking up spending time with the in-laws, even if you have little/nothing in common and would prefer not to.

I've just had my in-laws to stay for 10 days and we took them to France for part of that. It was extremely hard work and I can't say that I enjoyed most of it, but I consider it to be part and parcel of being part of an extended family. On Saturday we go away with my family for five days, so DH also sucks that up.

Essie274 · 19/07/2022 13:35

Oh wow, I grew up going on holiday with my grandparents/aunts/uncles/cousins and they were the best holidays. I can only think of one summer holiday we took when I was a child when it was just my nuclear family. Now my cousins and I are adults and have our own children there are too many of us to make going on holiday all together very simple (or affordable), but we try to every couple of years. You've reminded me to send out a message about a trip next September.

I'd rather bathe in shit than holiday with my in-laws, though.

WokingOrNot · 19/07/2022 13:35

I'm about to go on holiday with my in-laws and I can't wait. And they don't even help with childcare. They're my family and holidays in my opinion are more fun in a bigger group. But the key is not to spend every minute together. We have some plans together and some separately.

BuenaVistaAntisocialClub · 19/07/2022 13:38

I agree OP. I generally like people and enjoy spending time with them. But for a matter of hours not days. After socialising with people for a few hours I simply can’t do it anymore. I feel myself glazing over and just have no interest in having any more conversation. It’s like I’m ‘full up’ on people.

Going on holiday with extended family would be an endurance test - which I’d fail at miserably - rather than an enjoyable experience.

Blurp · 19/07/2022 13:38

We've been on holiday with my parents and siblings (and families) and it's good because we all do separate things a lot of the time, but also take it in turns to babysit so the individual couples actually get out for lunch or dinner in peace, which is lovely.

We've also been on holiday with my ILs (DH's parents, siblings and their families) and it's not so good because they insist on everyone doing everything together, so there's a constant schedule (which often doesn't work for the younger DC) and no time alone. I don't enjoy that at all.

Indoctro · 19/07/2022 13:43

My in laws are toxic no way on this earth would I go on holiday with them ..

FawnFrenchieMum · 19/07/2022 13:47

I'm very on the fence about it, we have a select couple of friends who we are comfortable to go away with but we always agree that we don't have to be tied at the hip. They tend to work on the same principles / timescales etc as us so it works well. We have other friends / family who we love to bits but would never dream of going away with them. Too different in styles.

We have been away with the IL's a couple of times, they had never been abroad before so probably would never have experienced it had we not have invited them. It worked really well as there was no expectations on each others times or plans once we arrived. It was just a case of we are going to do xyz at x time, they would either join us or not and same the other way.

This year we went with my parents and I've said never again, even though they go abroad several times a year alone they almost turned into children, expecting me to know / sort everything out, eg where's the toilets, what times dinner, what we doing tomorrow. Definitely not a break for me! I found this really bizarre as at home I'd much rather spend time with my mum then MIL.

Hotcrossbunnowplease · 19/07/2022 13:50

We do it with my siblings and parents, lots of similar aged cousins running around together which is very sweet. The key is to allow everyone freedom to set their own schedule, and also to agree to some basic rules in advance. For example, the siblings are in charge of kids tea, we take turns to cook it and clear up etc. Parents cook the adult meal while kids are taken upstairs for bed. But if one family bailed and went out for dinner by themselves no one would care.

Delatron · 19/07/2022 13:57

i don’t think it makes you antisocial to not want to go in holiday with your in-laws.

We had to once as we were going to a wedding. Worst holiday of my life. I had a baby and a toddler. Yet MIL would huff and puff if the house wasn’t tidy and someone (me) hasn’t started dinner by 7.30.
She was the biggest martyr. She would sweep the outside porch!! Again huffing and puffing.

Just awful

We go with friends from time to time but I have to admit I do love just pleasing ourselves.
Not unusual I think.

mackthepony · 19/07/2022 13:59

Y at totally NBU.

I've had holidays with in-laws and DH family and honestly it's nothing but hard peddle. Excel spreadsheets to divide up the costs of everything, cooking for 14 people etc etc ad nauseum

Overrated

TheLeadbetterLife · 19/07/2022 14:00

I'm with you OP, I couldn't bear it. My limit on company with most people other than my husband is about a day and a half. I like my own space and my own thoughts.

I don't even do the in-laws' WhatsApp groups. My family doesn't have one, thank god.

mackthepony · 19/07/2022 14:02

This year we went with my parents and I've said never again, even though they go abroad several times a year alone they almost turned into children, expecting me to know / sort everything out, eg where's the toilets, what times dinner, what we doing tomorrow.

^^

This is EXACTLY my parents too! They recently came to stay with us and reacted in the same way. It's like having two extra children! I felt like a travel agent, tour guide, chef, personal assistant etc.

Token example is getting off a tour bus in NYC (a city that I have visited FEWER times than my parents), being dropped off at some random street corner and my dad turning to me and saying, right, where do we go now??

😬😬😱😱

Hotenoughtoburnasausage · 19/07/2022 14:03

Over 20 years ago we went with ils. Took 2 babies. Ils insisted having a cot in with them. 2 apartments opposite.. 2 steps away.... The first night I heard an alarm hourly.. Did my head in! Turned out fil had set his alarm all through the night to check on ds... Kept the poor lad awake all night!! And us!!
Once let go of his hands sure he could walk and he fell into a doorframe. Apparently the butter mil rubbed on it would be enough.. Site GP sent us to A&E.
Last trip with them.

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 19/07/2022 14:07

Some people have no choice. DB and his DW go on holiday every year or every other year (paid for by PIL) as FIL (paraplegic) needs help with getting out of bed/getting dressed/washed etc and as FIL's own DW usually does this it's a holiday if she gets DB to do it.

Last time I saw him on his own with my DM he said he wasn't looking forward to it, saw them all at weekend with my DM and SIL is really looking forward to it!

PIL also seem to want to do their own thing and not let DB/DW/their grandson have any time to themselves. I went abroad with them for 2 weeks a few years ago (Barcelona) and though it was nice there was no varying from what they wanted to do, eat out, go somewhere! No discussion about it either!

Yodaisawally · 19/07/2022 14:08

I wouldn't in a villa but we have done in resorts where we all have our own accommodation and space. We're also not joined at the hip and go off and do our own thing.

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 19/07/2022 14:08

It was also challenging for SIL's DB and his wife/DC when they went away with them this/last year as they have set bedtimes/bath etc for their DC.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 19/07/2022 14:09

I'd rather drown myself. They are fine in very small doses.

Goldbar · 19/07/2022 14:15

I don't mind it but my DPs/PILs are very helpful with my DC. With my DM, it's almost like a holiday as she'll do all the organising and catering and essentially takes over DC, despite me offering many times to help. My MIL/FIL do slightly less (probably because they don't want to step on my toes...), but will happily take DC out by themselves to give us a break. I worry more about taking advantage of them than my DM though.

But both DM/MIL have slight control freak tendencies, especially when it comes to food/meal planning/trips out, so I'm afraid my limit with either is 5 days absolute max! Then my desire for personal autonomy begins to trump the benefits of having help with DC on tap and I start to feel like a surly teenager again. I sense it's mutual though - that's the point at which they run out of energy to deal with DC and begin to talk longingly about what a nice rest they're going to have the following week.

Rosehugger · 19/07/2022 14:20

I wasn't sure the first time, but it was really so much easier with small children having more adults around and meant DH and I could have an actual holiday when they minded the kids a bit for us. Of course you all have to basically get on and not be in one another's pockets 24/7.

Orangello · 19/07/2022 14:21

I love to holiday with my parents and siblings and families. But we are all well travelled easy going people, so nobody needs pandering to and nobody minds if on some days we want to do different things. There are also no freeloaders who sit on their arse and let everybody else pick up bills/do all cooking in villas, and we all research and book various activities.

ILs are different and if we holiday with them, we know it's all about taking care of them and their wishes, like toddlers.

SallyWD · 19/07/2022 14:24

Surely it depends on individual personalities and your relationship with in-laws/family? I'm an introvert so do find it hard being surrounded by people all the time - however even I go away with my in-laws every year. I find them easy company and they're fantastic with the kids. It's nice to have people around to share childcare with - and other chores like cooking. Also just nice to see them! As for house guests, I'm fine for a few days then enjoy having the house to myself again.

Heatherjayne1972 · 19/07/2022 14:28

I went on holiday with the ( then) in-laws in 2005

still haven’t recovered …..

Smallsheets · 19/07/2022 14:28

@MermaidMummy06 what counts as a quirky holiday?

I quite like going away with my parents. Without us they’d never go away at all (they are hesitant to do anything on their own) so I like to be able to give them a change of scene. Also, they look after DC so DH and I can have dinner out!