AIBU to not invite “Randy Mandy”

[Jusrollinstones]

AIBU to not invite to a BBQ a woman who is chasing my DH?

I’m organising a BBQ at my house for my walking group. A few months ago at the pub, one of the women got drunk and threw herself at my DH. I wasn’t there but DH told me immediately, and friends who saw it also told me. Since then she has tried to flirt with him at every opportunity. She has messaged him and he showed me the message and that he has blocked her. She has also bad mouthed our marriage, saying to a few friends that DH has confided in her that he’s not happy at home and she thinks she is in with a chance with him. Friends have said she makes a habit of this with married men and call her something similar to “Randy Mandy”.

I don’t want to exclude one person in the group from the BBQ, but I really dislike this woman. AIBU to not invite her? DH wont be there.

Good for you OP and please be blunt and to the point if anyone has the audacity to question you about it!

Probably said already, but this woman may have mental health issues that cause her to act so antisocially in the first place (ie desperately in need of attention and validation) and she could have anxiety and loneliness that causes her to drink/behave like this, self perpetuating. Not excusing this behaviour or criticising OP’s response AT ALL, just suggesting that maybe she would benefit from an objective explanation for her exclusion that would give her the opportunity to understand there is a problem and seek help. Exclusion like this can be tremendously upsetting and if she is unstable (sounds it) it could be on another level devastating, you just don’t know. Totally get that it’s she’s not OP’s responsibility though and characters like that are very difficult to care about.

Don't invite her. IF she, or anyone else questions it, just say why.
" "Because of her behaviour to Bob".

You sound like a very caring person. I don’t think I could handle the situation so sensitively, but I could ask one of the other women in the group to speak to her.

Probably said already, but this woman may have mental health issues that cause her to act so antisocially in the first place (ie desperately in need of attention and validation) and she could have anxiety and loneliness that causes her to drink/behave like this, self perpetuating.

Boo-fucking-hoo. If someone came onto my DH I wouldn't care why. I'd make an example of them and to hell with it.

I agree with you OP, I wouldn't invite her. She's not a child, she's an adult. If she's cut up about it, she can ask for an explanation, and be given one.

OP has nobody else challenged her when she's behaved inappropriately or spread false rumours?

Are these people supposed to be your friends?

Good for you for not inviting her. I hope she finds out why and modifies her behaviour in future.

That's a really good point.

Be the bigger person and invite her. Leave her to herself while she's there.

Absolutely NOT. She's a nutcase, already proved herself capable of manipulative lying to discredit OP and her husband and their marriage. Let her IN THEIR HOME and she'll be in the bedroom, drawers, bathroom cupboard, going through their personal stuff, nicking it, taking pictures, and selfies.

In my experience the vast majority of people do not stand up. That may be because they do not want to get involved. A few individuals will stand up and it is those people that I admire. The rest are following the herd IMO.

@Cheminaufaules I just don't think I'd want to host a party for anybody who is supposed to be my friend but won't defend me when someone's making a move on my husband or badmouthing my relationship

Always a but bemused by these threads, and I can only assume some exaggeration. Likely the woman smiled or talked to the husband and the op, poor lass, is jealous

You sound like a very caring person. I don’t think I could handle the situation so sensitively, but I could ask one of the other women in the group to speak to her.

You are quite right, it isn’t up to you to sort this woman out. Maybe someone less involved with her dramas could have a word.

Why would you assume the OP is exaggerating? Do you not think people like this exist? (Both male & female) This is AIBU, we have to take the OPs word that things she said happened have happened to comment on the threads (unless there's a glaring contradiction etc which i don't think there is here?)

Thanks for your input, random condescender.

This woman pursued the DH so strongly he voluntarily blocked her from his contacts. Why do you assume that is an "exaggeration"?
Why do you think you know what happened better than OP does?

I used to work with a woman like this

background-she only ever dated twats-real cocklodgers who where just bastards

anyway,the last boyfriend dumped her for another woman and she got it in her head that a guy at work fancied her (I have no idea if he did or not)

within weeks,she’d got it into her head that every single man on this planet fancied the pants off her and she was very vocal about it-a man smiled at her-he wanted to fuck her

if a man said ‘hello’ he fancied her

if a man asked her how to order a coffee on the till-he was going to take her home and fuck her all over the house

if a man thanked her for something-he wanted to marry her-it just went on and on-she’d talk about nothing else

i invited her round for a coffee one day and for some reason I had to nip to the shop leaving her,her dog and my fella at home

i came home to her racing out of the door with a rushed ‘bye!’ And the dog being dragged down the street-which was odd as we’d offered to take her home in the car

turns out she’d come onto my partner in our kitchen and he’d turned her down flat-with a few home truths slung in for good measure

i still had to work with her,(we’ve both moved on now) but I was dammed if she was ever coming back round to my home

and she still thinks that every single man (bar my dp) fancies her and can’t understand why,when she slings herself at one,they turn her down flat-every time

not a chance that ‘Randy Mandy’ would ever step foot in my home-if my dp invited the male version into my home,I’d move out

let her think what she likes-she will anyway

A lot of people would. People handle things in different ways, this is why social norms exist so we’re not all trying to kill each other, and why it might arguably be a constructive thing if she was given an opportunity to learn how her behaviour has caused exclusion. Some people care, some don’t, depends on your own experience tolerance and empathy and if you be arsed. I feel bad for people who are struggling and if I can help then I will but get that others don’t which is cool

I wonder if maale pests would be met with "maybe it's an MH issue and you need to be kind and explain why they are being excluded from events"

Nope.

Probably said already, but this woman may have mental health issues that cause her to act so antisocially in the first place

I really dislike the way the mental health card is used to excuse extremely poor behaviour @capostrophe.

Like I said, I was NO WAY (I in fact used these capitals) excusing her behaviour. And anyway it was me that said it l, I don’t think it counts as a card if it’s not the perpetrator dies it? And anyway #2 a lot of people do struggle with mental health issues, it’s a real thing, it’s not pretty, and it ruins previous lives

A small update. One of the other women in the group got in touch to ask if Mandy was invited. She said Mandy had been messaging her DH trying to get him to go for a drink with her. Those who thought Randy Mandy was a harsh nickname would not have liked the words that were used.

She's going to find herself very isolated if she carries on. Did you let your friend know that she isn't coming, and why not?

Yes, I told her Mandy wasn’t invited. She had already guessed why. It seems that Mandy hasn’t been subtle about fancying my DH.