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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not invite “Randy Mandy”

276 replies

Jusrollinstones · 19/07/2022 10:07

AIBU to not invite to a BBQ a woman who is chasing my DH?

I’m organising a BBQ at my house for my walking group. A few months ago at the pub, one of the women got drunk and threw herself at my DH. I wasn’t there but DH told me immediately, and friends who saw it also told me. Since then she has tried to flirt with him at every opportunity. She has messaged him and he showed me the message and that he has blocked her. She has also bad mouthed our marriage, saying to a few friends that DH has confided in her that he’s not happy at home and she thinks she is in with a chance with him. Friends have said she makes a habit of this with married men and call her something similar to “Randy Mandy”.

I don’t want to exclude one person in the group from the BBQ, but I really dislike this woman. AIBU to not invite her? DH wont be there.

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 19/07/2022 12:19

amusedbush · 19/07/2022 12:12

It's shitty to exclude a small child from a class birthday party. This a grown woman who knows exactly what she's doing; she certainly wouldn't be welcome in my house after making a pass at my husband and telling mutual friends that she intends to start an affair with him.

I wouldn't invite her - not to take the piss out of her, not to placate others in the group, and not to engage in a performative look-how-happy-our-marriage-is willy waving contest. Don't play games.

And your "friend" who said it would be mean to exclude her isn't much of a friend. There is no grey area in this situation and there is no need for a devil's advocate. Throwing yourself at your friend's husband is a scumbag move and indefensible.

Exactly! It's literally that clear cut and simple!

AMindNeedsBooks · 19/07/2022 12:20

JinglingHellsBells · 19/07/2022 12:05

@DaisyStPatience If I was a woman who had been sexually harassed maybe in the workplace or on public transport or stalked on SM I'd be furious to see you comparing that to a middle aged woman flirting with a middle aged man in a walking group, especially when he was perfectly capable of dealing with it.

YOU are the one minimising serious sexual harassment, by conflating flirting openly within a group, and something far more sinister. This man was not under threat at any time. It implies you have zero life experience and a very skewed perception of what SH is.

FGS get a grip and stop this. Please.

It's not harmless flirting in a group though is it? Why don't you attempt to reverse the sexes in your mind.

Man wants a relationship with married woman. She is not interested so he takes to spreading lies about her relationship and texting her to the extent she feels uncomfortable enough to block him.She has made it clear she is not interested and by her actions it is clear it is upsetting yet he continues to the extent it is causing issues with her walking group, a place she should be able to go without unwanted attention.

And that's not harassment? Makes me worry for my sons that their feelings would be dismissed so easily because they are physically stronger so not under threat apparently. They should just put up with it.

Gymnopedie · 19/07/2022 12:22

I agree with PP who said imagine if this was the other way round! A man in th grips is texting you inappropriately, has come into you in the pub and is telling people your marriage is over. There’s not a chance in hell you’d invite him to a BBQ.

But in that situation it would be the husband questioning whether he should invite the man, not the female OP.

I can see both sides to this. On the one hand you don't want her anywhere near you because of what she's done. But on the other I can see her twisting it to being you're not secure in your marriage and see her as a threat who quite well could tempt your DH away.

Tricky (and no help at all!).

Sorefrog · 19/07/2022 12:24

You could invite her and when arrives say, “Hi Mandy! Sorry, DH isn’t here - he made his excuses when he heard you were coming - but don’t worry, there are plenty of other husbands for you to embarrass yourself over after a few shandies!

SleepingAgent · 19/07/2022 12:24

Steelesauce · 19/07/2022 10:18

Of course you don't invite her. If anyone else asks why you say 'don't be silly Julie, my husband had to block her because she kept harassing him, why would I invite that nutter?'

And if she confronts you, you go straight in with home truths.

Dont be a wet wipe 🤣

Exactly. Everyone should understand why she's not invited!

SunshineAndFizz · 19/07/2022 12:25

"Honeytrap Pat"?

Sorefrog · 19/07/2022 12:25

I forgot the tinkly laugh.

WilsonMilson · 19/07/2022 12:26

Randy Mandy is hilarious. But agree with above - tell everyone why she’s not invited. She’s sexually harassing your husband and why on earth would you invite her?!
She’s the unreasonable party here.

WilsonMilson · 19/07/2022 12:27

Trollopy Tracy

AryaStarkWolf · 19/07/2022 12:27

SunshineAndFizz · 19/07/2022 12:25

"Honeytrap Pat"?

Homewrecka Becka?

WilsonMilson · 19/07/2022 12:28

Slutty Susan, Horny Helen…..sorry I’m going off on a tangent here. As you were.

Bubblebubblebah · 19/07/2022 12:28

JinglingHellsBells · 19/07/2022 11:17

@DaisyStPatience Please stop comparing flirting in a walking group situation with sexual harassment. That is a completely ridiculous thing to say and undermines women (or men) who are really sexually harassed.

If every person who had ever flirted was accused of SH what a weird world it would be.

FFS

Unwanted repeated flirting is sexual harassment. So can be stalking which this can turn into

AMindNeedsBooks · 19/07/2022 12:28

Sorefrog · 19/07/2022 12:25

I forgot the tinkly laugh.

😅

Bubblebubblebah · 19/07/2022 12:29

Do not invite. Make it clear why. There is a time to be polite, there is a time to be truthful

AdoraBell · 19/07/2022 12:29

What Steelsauce said on page 1

DaisyStPatience · 19/07/2022 12:30

JinglingHellsBells · 19/07/2022 12:05

@DaisyStPatience If I was a woman who had been sexually harassed maybe in the workplace or on public transport or stalked on SM I'd be furious to see you comparing that to a middle aged woman flirting with a middle aged man in a walking group, especially when he was perfectly capable of dealing with it.

YOU are the one minimising serious sexual harassment, by conflating flirting openly within a group, and something far more sinister. This man was not under threat at any time. It implies you have zero life experience and a very skewed perception of what SH is.

FGS get a grip and stop this. Please.

Well, I don't have to imagine how I'd feel if I was a woman who'd been sexually harassed or assaulted, because I am one, so maybe my life experience is a little more relevant here than yours.

SleepingAgent · 19/07/2022 12:32

MikeWozniaksMoustache · 19/07/2022 11:14

Apart from anything, it wouldn't be fair on your husband as he'll have to spend the evening fending off her advances.
THIS!!!

I can’t believe anyone would consider inviting someone around who is sexually harassing their partner! Surely your husband said “fuck no” when you asked him about inviting her? If not, I’d be wondering if there was more to his version of events when she “threw herself” at himz

Read the Op. the husband isn't going to be at the BBQ.

SleepingAgent · 19/07/2022 12:39

drawacircleroundit · 19/07/2022 12:11

Your husband has blocked her. I would want to support him by not then inviting her into my home.

Yep!

Lucia1234 · 19/07/2022 12:42

YANBU - she's being so dis-respectable to you by chasing your DH and dissing your marriage so why should you invite her? In fact I would make a point of telling her that's the reason she's not invited.

SpaceGoatFarm · 19/07/2022 12:44

Hate this 'be the bigger person' crap. Some people jn this country just sail through life with their awful behaviour never getting any comeuppence because those terminally afraid of conflict use the "be the bigger person" nonsense as an excuse to not defend themselves or their family.

123becauseicouldntthinkofone · 19/07/2022 12:46

Jusrollinstones · 19/07/2022 10:16

Other threads have had people saying it is wrong to not invite one person from a group. And one of my friends in the group said the same.

Show quote history

i would tell that other friend who said dont exclude her to stay with randy mandy then and dont bother coming!

Dreamwhisper · 19/07/2022 12:47

I would probably invite her because I'm a mix of immature so would be interested to see what went down, and overly accommodating so wouldn't want to leave her out.

If it were me I'd also be aware in the back of my mind that the information you've received (from other members of the club not DH) is secondary source so would bear that in mind.

Sceptre86 · 19/07/2022 12:47

Why on earth would you invite someone who made a pass at your dh? The other member of the walking group is an idiot for suggesting it wouldn't be fair to exclude her. It's being held at your home and she isn't welcome, I'd speak plainly and make that clear.

ApplesandBunions · 19/07/2022 12:47

I would be utterly furious if my DH invited someone who had been harassing me into our home, regardless of whether I was going to be there at the time or not.

JinglingHellsBells · 19/07/2022 12:48

@DaisyStPatience You accused this woman of sexual harassment not sexual assault.

As an adult man he is surely quite capable of telling her to back off? If it is so obvious to others in the group and she has been telling lies about his marriage, he ought to talk to her.

And FWIW I have been assaulted twice - once on public transport and once in the street. So don't make assumptions, please.