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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think this holiday plan is just a bit shit for a family with young children?

308 replies

Holidayplanisshit · 18/07/2022 18:08

Background - we’re saving money for a holiday next autumn with twins; not massively expensive (under £2000 for 2 week cruise) but, as a low income family, it will take a bit of discipline to save a regular amount rather than spend on extras for the children. We’ve set an amount to save each month which will pay for the cruise and also give us spending money.

Now for my AIBU…….. DH wants to go away for a holiday this year as well and thinks 10 days to 2 weeks staying with his DF in rural Wales will be “perfect” - for that read free accommodation and he will, no doubt, love spending the evenings in his dad’s garden drinking beers and chatting guy crap!! Meanwhile, the cottage his DF lives in isn’t child friendly - think no proper kitchen or bathroom (he’s been saying for years that he’s going to swap them round or refit both but all he’s done is rip stuff out and cobble working parts together) the stairs are in the middle of the living space and aren’t childproof plus no way to stop toddlers going up or down meaning I’ll have to watch them like hawks. The garden is full of junk and not safe for kids to play in, there’s no boundary fencing and there’s a stream across the Lane which they could easily fall into.

There’s nothing locally for us to do as a family without having to drive miles each way even to a play park! Even the ‘local’ beach is over an hour’s drive away - for context, we live 20 miles from beautiful beaches that people actively seek out to visit for holidays!!

DFiL is lovely but doesn’t really interact with the children when he stays with us and, as an older man, is quite set in his ways so follows quite a rigid routine of wanting his daily paper, having a few drinks in the evening and a couple of smokes in the garden later in the evening. DH readily admits his dad won’t help out with the children and that his home isn’t ideal but he just sees the idea of a free holiday. I see 10 days to 2 weeks of
him having a whale of a time doing nothing as he won’t be at work while I am watching the children, keeping them safe and entertained and making sure they’re fed regularly (not helped by them being fussy eaters so I can’t just give them what my DFiL would usually cook as they won’t eat curries, fish, veg or things).

AIBU for wanting a holiday that gives me as well as DH a chance to kick back & relax; where our kids can play safely, have something to do walking distance away to entertain them a bit either during the day or in the early evening; a pub or restaurant where we can eat sometimes during the holiday so I don’t have to cook every single day. Basically I don’t want my precious holiday time spend being a spare wheel to DH & SFiL having a great catch up while I manage young children in a totally unsuitable environment!!

OP posts:
IamtheDevilsAvocado · 19/07/2022 06:12

RaspberryHoney · 18/07/2022 20:48

I have to say that my children would have been extremely bored with 2 weeks on a cruise. Wales with a stream near the house sounds nicer!

Really??

I'd have loved it as a kid!

In you do a med cruise... Different ports daily.

Several swimming pools/inflatables

Other indulgent people to chat to😁...

Kids clubs - we saw one happy band of toddlers all dressed up a pirates kidnapping the captain

Kids theatre

Saturday morning cinema....

Yes.... Really bored... Cruising isn't all about dressing for dinner.. 😁

MynameisJune · 19/07/2022 06:16

caringcarer · 19/07/2022 04:28

Firstly a cruise for 2 weeks for 2 adults and 2 children would cost much more than £2k. You are more likely to get 1 week for £2k. Secondly could you agree to go to fil for a long weekend and then DH have another week off and go to your local beach or parks with DC. You can still get a few takeaways or eat out so you don't have to do all the cooking. Make sure DH knows in advance, whilst at fil he helps with kids or you drive them back home early. If you really can't face staying at fil house then send your DH for a weekend on his own.

Op posted the link to the cruise line, I did a search and looked at booking. Inside cabin for 2 adults, my 7 year old and 4 year old would be £2198 for 13 nights.

Mindymomo · 19/07/2022 06:23

I’ve been on several P&O cruises and the family ships are geared up for families, kids clubs, night nursery (although not open at the moment), kids early eating, kids disco, pools, child friendly restaurants.

Unfortunately I have no suggestions as to holiday with FIL, I can see both sides. Could some of the time spent there be spent on trying to make the house more safe, which in the long term, would mean you could visit more often.

K8Shrop · 19/07/2022 06:24

Your kids are nearly 3, and their father has never cooked them a Meal?? They're fussy eaters, so surely their meals are even easier to make (fussy eaters in this house tends to mean simple, easy oven stuff or plain food).

I can see why you're not enthusiastic about this trip. But there are definitely ways to make it easier, but most would involve your partner actually being a parent to his children.

To be honest, I can't see how any holiday with him is relaxing when you have two kids to look after solely.

Regenbogen22 · 19/07/2022 06:27

Sorry @Holidayplanisshit I don't get any of this. You don't want to go, tell him no. He can't get there without you driving anyway!

Don't understand what is so complicated.

Shoxfordian · 19/07/2022 06:28

I don’t see how life in general is good with such a lazy partner; he’s not much of a dad to them is he? I’m sure he has many great qualities to make up for not being much of a parent and being thoughtless but I’m not sure they’d outweigh it for me

oodledoodle · 19/07/2022 06:29

KalvinPhillipsBoots · 19/07/2022 05:12

A cruise with toddlers? There is literally nothing on a cruise ship for a toddler

There is loads. not sure where you get nothing from.

Goldbar · 19/07/2022 06:30

KalvinPhillipsBoots · 19/07/2022 05:32

Tbh OP you seem very selfish. This is his dad, it's a free trip so your children and husband can spend time with their dad/grandad, and all your doing is moaning. Just be grateful you have this opportunity, and I guarantee your twins will not enjoy the cruise, be better at CBeebies land than on a cruise ship where you will not settle with all the hazards around.

The OP is not selfish for wanting to avoid a 'holiday' which involves her being an on-call taxi driver, cook, maid and childminder for her DH.

If he were a half-competent human being, not only could he take the kids by himself but the OP would probably be more than happy to go in the knowledge that she would be able to have a rest for some of the time while he did his share.

It's entirely the DH's fault that the OP isn't willing to go.

shedwithivy · 19/07/2022 06:33

Yanbu, I would not go for more than a couple of days. Twins are hard,

ReneBumsWombats · 19/07/2022 06:40

Why is it assumed that all the shitwork will be on you? Because of his visual impairment?

GretaVanFleet · 19/07/2022 06:46

shedwithivy · 19/07/2022 06:33

Yanbu, I would not go for more than a couple of days. Twins are hard,

Twins are no more difficult than any other two children. The problem isn’t having twins in this scenario, it’s not getting any help from their father because he’s on holiday.

Rememberallball · 19/07/2022 06:57

JellyBellyNelly · 19/07/2022 03:30

Op, can you share the details of the cruise pls.

Details just above your request x

Rememberallball · 19/07/2022 06:59

timeisnotaline · 19/07/2022 03:20

I wouldn’t go anywhere near a place with unfenced water with dc that age. If I got somewhere and it
had unfenced water I’d go straight home again.

op, I know you don’t really want marriage advice, but why don’t you get out a bolognese recipe, ingredients, tell your dh he’s cooking dinner, that is what it will be because he is a parent and if he objects never ever feed him again?
repeat next week with chicken tray bake. Fried rice. Etc until he can reliably cook a family meal a couple of times a week. I married a mummy’s boy who could not cook but he certainly can now.

DH can cook but doesn’t cook the sort of food DCs will eat - he likes too much spice/flavours for them!

Rememberallball · 19/07/2022 07:05

caringcarer · 19/07/2022 04:28

Firstly a cruise for 2 weeks for 2 adults and 2 children would cost much more than £2k. You are more likely to get 1 week for £2k. Secondly could you agree to go to fil for a long weekend and then DH have another week off and go to your local beach or parks with DC. You can still get a few takeaways or eat out so you don't have to do all the cooking. Make sure DH knows in advance, whilst at fil he helps with kids or you drive them back home early. If you really can't face staying at fil house then send your DH for a weekend on his own.

See my earlier post with the link to the cruise we’re booked on - I’ve cruises many times and, yes they can be expensive, but you can also get bargains in low season outside of school holidays when 3rd/4th occupants in the cabin go free.

In regards to getting a few takeaways etc during the time at DFiL’s, there are none - literally nothing in his village (not even a pub) - so it would be down to me to go out on maybe a 20 mile round trip for whatever is available in surrounding places as they’re too rural for deliveries.

Rememberallball · 19/07/2022 07:10

Tashface · 19/07/2022 05:41

@Holidayplanisshit how long is the drive to FIL's? Just wondering how far away he lives. Alternatively, is there really no way DH can make his own way there via a mix of train/bus/taxi?

Rural North Wales so anything from 5-8 hours driving depending on the traffic as most roads are single/dual carriageways and not motorways (when DFiL came down with DSiL for christening at end of May it took 8 hours and that was with only adults in the car so stops were minimal for toilet breaks)

TooManyPlatesInMotion · 19/07/2022 07:10

Yanbu. Sounds like a nightmare.

stayathomer · 19/07/2022 07:11

this could go either way, it could be hell but it could be amazing too. When I think of family holidays when we were young this was them and we had a fantastic time, I think nowadays we’re so set on keeping the kids entertained as opposed to just letting them be kids and doing whatever happens naturally. Plus if you’re trying to save your option really is this or no holiday. Plus the kids get to be around relatives (my gps didnt have much in common with us as kids but we sort of got to know them from trips such as this where my manna just knitted etc or my grandad read farming books!!!) Bring cards and board games and some books for yourself and you’ll have a better time than you think (disclaimers though-I could never manage a cruise with children!!!)

Echobelly · 19/07/2022 07:11

YANBU, but i suggest you find an alternative suggestion, maybe a shorter holiday there or a few days there and few days somewhere inexpensive nearby (caravan on coast?) Because,as I've learned from experience you'll never bring people round by arguing 'X is

speakout · 19/07/2022 07:12

This is an OH problem- not a holiday problem.
Your OH doesn't cook for the family because the food hhe likes is too spicy?

What a selfish git. Having kids mean dealing with their needs.

Shoxfordian · 19/07/2022 07:12

If dh can cook then he can cook something less spicy for the kids, it’s not hard

I can cook and I like chilli flakes but if someone doesn’t like them and I’m cooking for them then I don’t use them

Does he just not want to adapt anything for his kids?

Echobelly · 19/07/2022 07:12

Sorry, pressed post too soon
... 'X is terrible idea' and listing all the reasons. Much more effective as an argument is "Y is a better idea because....'

SurpriseSurprise · 19/07/2022 07:20

Can’t you suggest a week only, take a stair gate or two with you and go with the flow. A couple of large windbreaks would create barriers in the garden and tell the men you’re getting takeaways everyday or they will have to cook!

aprofoundhistoricaloddity · 19/07/2022 07:21

Has your DH actually asked his dad if you visiting for two weeks is ok?

A lot of older people would struggle with a two week visit from active toddler twins....

Also: (mum of now adult twins speaking) twin wrangling should not all fall on the mum- DH needs to up his game and do his fair share, you absolutely should not be worrying that you will end up doing all the twin control while trying to cook and all the other "chores" that life demands.

BTW, we had a static caravan holiday with twins at 15 months, camped (2 weeks in Yorkshire) with them at 2, and touring caravan holidays from then on. All so cheap holidays are possible!

Cervinia · 19/07/2022 07:28

For me it wouldn’t even be open for discussion I would send him in his way! The biggest compromise I would make is I would take the kids for a few days then leave DH there and come home. Not a chance in hell would I go.

Quia · 19/07/2022 07:28

Holidayplanisshit · 18/07/2022 21:22

Cruises can be incredibly child friendly - they have dedicated venues onboard for kids which are split into age groups, and they provide trained staff in the venues. Restaurants onboard ships are geared to families with tailored mealtimes and children’s menus at all other mealtimes. Ports of call all have family friendly excursions available or you can find a local beach for the day;

That seems a rather restrictive cruise, however. If I'm spending that much and travelling that far, I don't want to be limited to family friendly excursions.

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