Wedding invite- what should I do?

[Daisy0530]

Me and my boyfriend have been invited to his best friends wedding. (they’ve been friends since they were kids). Unfortunately due to them living so far away and also covid I haven’t had an opportunity to meet him yet. I have been with my boyfriend 2.5 years so I would consider us to be an established couple.

We will need to book a hotel to stay in due to the wedding being over an hour away from where we live. We received the invites and I have only been invited to the evening reception and my bf the full day. I can understand this as weddings are expensive and due to the fact we haven’t met however, this will mean I will be left alone at the hotel in a city I don’t know for 7-8 hours whilst my partner attends the wedding.

I am unsure how to feel about this and I am trying to see both perspectives, it’s their day after all. I must admit if it was my wedding I would likely have invited both as I would feel embarrassed not to. Should I just not attend to avoid any drama/arguments or should my boyfriend have a chat with his mate about it? I don’t want them to fall out but I feel a little off with the whole thing.

@Lola4321 Having 25 cousins, most of whom have grown up children, plus my friends, I have been to umpteen weddings over the years. Both as a all day guest and an evening guest. I have NEVER been to a reception that was held over two venues. I have been to weddings that have been in two venues - one for the ceremony then one for the reception - but never two reception venues. So I have no idea where you read that but if you can find it, quote it, as most of us would love to know who does this.

As for the evening/day reception business. Think of it more like an all day party. Sit down in the afternoon, dancing in the evening. Same reception. The day people stay, the evening people join in later. It's not considered two receptions. One doesn't end and the other begin - it rolls into each other. It's always been considered a way of being able to invite everyone you like rather than having to pick and choose. I can't imagine not being invited to a friend's wedding at all because they just had the day bit.

When we got married (20 years ago) we had the wedding and reception in the same place. We paid a 'all day rate' for the venue. That included food for 100 people sitting down. And an evening party including the DJ and buffet food for the same amount. Now, having eaten a three course meal with wine, very few people would have done justice to a buffet for 100. Which meant we could invite those friends who we would love to see but couldn't squeeze in to the ceremony.

I was very close to my work colleagues and so we had a table for them. But we had to say either come alone (with the rest of the team of course) to the wedding or bring your other half and come to the reception (or we could invite your other half to the reception alone). There was no way we could kick an aunt off the list whilst having someone we'd never met at the sit down part of the reception. One person came with their other half in the evening. The rest all said 'we'll come on our own - we can have a giggle then'. They hired a mini-bus, were the loudest table in the reception, danced all night and went home to sleep it off!

I think it’s fine to decline the invite op. Then your oh can either accept or decline.
Depends on who else is going are there plenty of other ‘unmarrieds’ your oh can sit with?

The registry office DS and his fiancée have booked has a limit of under 25 (I think it’s 23 but I’m not 100%). There are good reasons for them having chosen that venue. Which is, at the end of the day, their business

Brutal
🤣

Why would your attendance at the evening do cause drama and arguments?

are you planning on calling the bride and groom out for not buying you dinner 😂

really people get so worked up about weddings.

it’s an invitation- either accept or decline. Why all the drama?

😂

@Daisy0530 would you be willing to pay the additional cost for you to attend the full day?
Whilst not conventional we were in the position that our budget only stretched to a certain number of day guests. We had a couple of reasonably close friends with partners who we had never met. We spoke to them and explained the situation saying they would be welcome to attend the day if they were willing to pay, both were.
As its your partners BF could he speak to them and ask if this would be an option?

Haven’t RTFT but I had this exact same situation when my DH’s best friend got married (except I had met them a few times to) the wedding was a 2.5 hour drive away. Luckily a close friend of mine had recently moved within 30 mins of the wedding venue so I went and spent the day with her catching up and then arrived for the evening. Honestly it didn’t bother me and wouldn’t have done even if I didn’t have my friend. I’d have brought some books and snacks and just lounged around the hotel room for the day and gone for an hours walk somewhere or something.

So I’d go, but am aware I haven’t RTFT and things may have moved on/ more come to light after your OP.

They are only having the people who attend the ceremony at the meal / reception / breakfast /whatever you want to call it.

Also. Where I’m from it’s the people who attend the ceremony as guests that get invited to the meal part (by whatever name it goes)

Then if the wedding 'breakfast' isn't a form of a reception of the married couple, what is it?

It most certainly is a reception.

?So you have; wedding 'breakfast'.
Then separate 'reception'.?

It's still two functions for the one wedding.
It's all semantics. Wedding breakfast is becoming a less used term. Most people refer to the whole thing as the reception, the welcome drinks, meal, speeches, drinks and dancing later. It's not legally defined you know.

The evening bit is just the extension of the day. If you are there all day you just get up after your meal and speeches and walk to another room to continue the evening. Later on there may be some further buffet food provided. It's all the same day in the same place just with potentially a few extra people who arrive later.

People paid to attend your wedding?
Not having a go, you were obviously stretched, but I've never heard of that.

Op I get where you are coming from I think it's a bit weird for them to split a couple.
But at the same time I'm verging on envious of their attitude. I got talked into all day invites for strangers to me, never seen them before or since.

Entirely your choice accept the invites as they are, spend the afternoon in a spa or museum. Get DP to meet you at the door of the venue.

Or you could do the thing you suggested of both going in the evening. That really depends on DPs choice.

Wedding's are the most couply events going I hated going to them alone. How does he feel about going alone?

And who is paying for this expensive spa hotel?

It doesn't seem that odd to me that she hasn't met boyfriends childhood friend, men often have "best mates" that they don't actually see beyond stag dos and weddings.

I'd go if I could easily get there in the evening on my own. And just hope boyfriend not too drunk and is happy to be hosting me and introducing me to people (which he would as he isn't a dick)

Calling it An "exciting weekend" exploring a town 1 hour away from me just seems silly -you could have gone there anytime with your boyfriend if you wanted to visit.

NRFT but read all of OPs posts. OP I think you have been put in a difficult position tbh. I also think it is a bit off that they are expecting your partner to be there for the full event and for you to trundle along as a bit of an afterthought later on, especially if the venue is not easy to get to.

Of course numbers are limited for various bits of weddings but I would've thought it be common courtesy to invite you as the significant other of the groom's best friend for the same parts of the event. I agree that 2.5 years is an established relationship - not that it should matter. Also not your fault you haven't met the bride and groom before.

I met my now DH at age 24. Some of his school friends got married in the following two years and I was included in everything. The wedding was actually the first chance I had to meet everyone as we all lived in different areas of the country.

I would think about how hanging out for the day on your own will make YOU feel ... will you be pissed off, or stressed by having to get places yourself, or content to have time to yourself? If you are going to be annoyed or worried, don't accept the invitation as things could backfire.

And a lot of people here are saying what's the problem spending time by yourself? I suspect this is because they are older / have more life experience. I wouldn't have like it when I was younger but would be OK with it now - simply because I value alone time much more.

Inviting a couple as a couple, but asking half of the couple to walk around outside for 7 hours while the other half is inside, is mental and so rude.

I agree with this. Not because the OP shouldn’t be able to amuse herself for the day (she should), but because - if you step outside the wedding madness - it’s odd and rude.

Weddings have become such a big deal. A huge palaver. People go into debt and lose all sight of the bigger picture. Your wedding is the most important day in the world to you - not so much for other people. It’s a nice excuse to see friends and celebrate with them, but it’s not the be all and end all, nor the honour of your life to go. And it therefore behoves the bride and groom to think of others and their circumstances and what’s convenient for them.

Basically, OP - they haven’t met you, so they don’t want to pay for your lunch. That’s it in a nutshell. It’s dressed up in the wedding fandango, but that’s what it is. They see your evening invitation as a nice concession on their part - failing to see that it involves a huge amount of travel and inconvenience for you, for not a lot of fun. Honestly - just politely decline and let your boyfriend go on his own. He probably won’t have as much fun on his own, but that’s not down to you.

@Daisy0530
If you've not managed to meet them because they're an hour away (no real distance imo) in the last 2 years, I'm not surprised that you are not invited to the day part of the day, with the associated costs, for someone they don't know.

As for you not like being on your own in a location an hour away from your home, that sounds really ott. And most people would happily embrace a different location to explore for the day or a pamper session etc in a hotel!

As for suggesting that he only attend the evening, that's incredibly selfish of you to even consider.

If you feel this is such an established relationship, then you should be able to manage such situations maturely!

@Lola4321

Good grief, you really do think you know it all. The arrogance drips off each post.

A PP was right, it's not worth engaging as you're either not posting in good faith or unwilling / unable to engage in any sort of meaningful way.

I can see it from both sides. They could have invited you as you are the groom's best friend's partner. But then again, they have never met you.

I would just accept the fact that you've been invited to the evening reception only. As pps have said, if I was you, I would travel there with DP and go off for a lovely day on my own exploring the city. Shop, eat, have a nice day. Then you get to party and meet the groom and bride etc in the evening. You don't get all the boring wedding bits. Sounds perfect to me.

Also loads of evening dos now are just a bit of cake and buy your own drinks. No buffet provided "as everyone full from the reception"

So not something I'd generally travel a long way for.

I don't see the issue and I don't think it would help relations with the friend if you decline just because you're peeved to not get a full day invite. I did it a few times in the first few years of my relationship. Spend time reading, go for a walk, hang out in a cafe, take your time getting ready then get a taxi to the venue. Or don't go if you're that insulted that someone who's never met you didn't want to pay £50+ for you to go to their wedding.

And for god sake do not get your boyfriend to 'have a chat' with his friend! Very entitled!

I'd just let your boyfriend go on his own and he can get a cab home.

Decline, stay home and have a nice evening with the girls.
You are not obligated to spend money on travel, accommodation, a gift, drinks etc to attend the evening do of people you have never met.