Don’t want to “make friends” with neighbour’s dog…

[randomdogfriend]

NC for this. Sorry it's long!

Small backstory: Neighbour has a yappy dog that never stops, it comes right up to the fence in our back garden and barks incessantly whenever any of us go into the garden. It also barks at passers by on the street - it literally follows them along the fence yapping incessantly as they walk down the street. Neighbour does very little to address this - the occasion half hearted “stop that (name of dog)”, but it doesn’t listen to her and she doesn’t physically remove it. Last year I had a word with the neighbour about this through the fence - the barking was so bad it was upsetting my then newborn aged baby as we sat in the garden. She argued back with me and was generally unpleasant, so I threatened to report her if it didn’t stop. This was around 12 months ago and I’ve had no interactions with her since. The dog has done its usual nuisance barking at the fence when we’ve been out in the garden but I’ve largely tried to ignore it, and now that DD is a bit older she isn’t as startled or bothered by it. So we just largely ignore now.

Today I took DD (now 15 months) out in the garden to play. I sat on the grass relaxing whilst she played. Yappy dog approached the fence as per usual, but we were far enough away from the fence that I could mostly tune it out and just focus on playing with DD. DD didn’t seem remotely bothered by it either. I was then aware of neighbour approaching the fence and heard her say “oh are you saying hello (dogs name)?” Dog continued to incessantly yap. I ignored and continued to play with DD.

Next thing I heard “excuse me can I talk to you?“ through the fence. The fence is too high to see over it, and you can just about make out a person through the slats but I couldn’t really see her. I said “sorry, do you mean me?” (Not really able to see anyone at this point, just a shadow through the fence, and I was also sat a good few feet away from the fence. She said “yes”. I said “erm, yeah I suppose, I can’t see you but I can hear you”. She said “I’m sorry my dog barks and annoys you”. I replied “that’s ok” and then continued to engage with DD who was toddling around (so my attention was more focussed on her and I honestly didn’t want to have any interaction with anyone else at that point). I was hoping this would end the conversation. She continued: “if you made friends with her, she wouldn’t bark at you”. I just again decided to give a one word answer in the hope she would disengage from me as all I wanted to do was relax and play with DD. I replied again “right, ok”. She then continued… “if you made friends with her she wouldn’t bark and then you wouldn’t complain, would you”.

At this point I got irritated as she was pushing an unwanted conversation and also implying I had “complained” when I’d had one interaction with her about this a whole year ago where I’d threatened to complain but not followed that through, and also not mentioned the dog to her since.

I replied: “I just want to enjoy my garden with my DD. I don’t want to have to make friends with a dog through the fence. If your dog is barking constantly it’s because you aren’t training her properly, and that’s up to you to address. It’s not down to other people to make friends with your dog”.

It was more than I wanted to invest in the interaction but to be honest she had annoyed me by that point.

She then said, randomly, “how old is your daughter now?” I replied with her age. In between I was playing with DD and interacting with her, hoping neighbour would get the hint that I didn’t want to engage with her. She then said “what’s her name?” I replied with her name. Just one word answers to try to end it. She then said “ok. I just thought we could be friends that’s all”. Then she (presumably) walked off back to her house (like I say, limited visibility through the fence).

The whole interaction was just so random. Firstly I hadn’t commented on her dog, I was minding my own business and playing with DD. Also a whole year has passed since our last interaction so why approach me now? It would have made sense if I’d complained there and then about the dog, but I’d said nothing. I was just ignoring it as I usually do.

If it’s relevant this isn’t a next door neighbour as such. It’s hard to explain but we are a detached house and her back garden and mine back share a boundary fence. Our houses are nowhere near each other and are actually on separate streets. I am friends with my next door neighbour, by choice, who is lovely. I have no desire to be friends with this other neighbour or her dog.

Was I mean or unreasonable to not want to be friends with either her or her dog? When I'm in my garden I just want to relax and enjoy my garden and my daughter. Is this reasonable? Also, should random people be expected to befriend dogs, or is the onus on the owners to stop the barking regardless?

Any thoughts welcomed.

FYI - attacking would be what I was on the receiving end of - I.e. "you sound like a twat", "you are up your own arse", "you're a sociopath"...... etc.

I think it's worth pointing out again that it hasn't been one of those threads where everyone is disgrareeing with OP and they're refusing to listen to a total wall of "YABU"

Me and pleanty of other posters think the neighbour is a cheeky fucker, who is only now being friendly after ignoring the problem for a year. I think because it has now become a problem for her and she is trying to pass it onto OP instead of dealing with it herself.

She wasn't really trying to be friendly - there was 1 vauge half asses appology and then went straight into trying to make her probelm OPs probelm

OP you did well sticking up for yourself then and through the thread

Normally when people get taken advantage of by CFs the a chours of "How did you allow this to happen". It's by doing things like taking on other peoples responibilities just becasue it's hard to say no to someone who speaking in a poliet and friendly while making an unreasonable request

My goodness, you are obsessed. It is as though you have started the thread, sorry YOUR thread, to have an argument.

Kinda makes me feel a bit sorry for the neighbour really...

For me you were unreasonable but that doesn’t mean that’s a fact. I understand that. These are all just opinions aren’t they.

So purely looking at this from my point of view unless I had somewhere I desperately had to be or some other ‘serious’ reason I’d give anyone a friendly few minutes of my time because that’s the right and kind thing to do for me.

You come across as uptight on here even though you were saying things like ‘just didn’t want to engage’ ‘not angry’ etc. Something doesn’t feel genuine. I think you probably are still a bit pissed off with her.

You decided to start a thread on AIBU. You must have known there would be discord with your behaviour

And? Does that mean she should shut up and let people make, in some cases quite ridiculous, leaps and assumptions about her character without the right of reply?

I’ve had a thread like yours. I posted about being upset that my disabled children were excluded by their peers and it attracted similar behaviour and left me in tears despairing for humanity. In the end it filled up to 1000 posts and is still there for me to read in a bruised way sometimes.

Hope you’re ok!

Human interactions are so complicated. I find it amazing that people respond to each other sometimes so much on face value, assuming that someone is behaving in a negative way simply because they are negative themselves, like it’s a character trait. Rather than a likely response to something negative they’ve experienced.

There can sometimes be little benefit of the doubt given to others. Which is weird given that we all have the same emotions and experiences, and therefore should maybe be able to understand.

But maybe not so surprising since it seems like often we don’t even recognise in ourselves the effect that our experience has on our emotions and therefore our behaviour to others.

Sounds to me that you’re more enlightened than many people in that you’re already considering that your experience of PND has coloured your feelings about the dog’s owner. Her rudeness to you in what should have been a safe and happy space really hurt and caused you stress and anxiety. I can understand why you don’t want to make friends with her and her dog. It takes you back to an unhappy place.

Maybe it’s worth considering too that the dog owner may have similar issues that caused her rudeness to you. Maybe she’s lost a child, and her dog is a child substitute? Maybe hearing you with your child through the fence is too much for her and therefore she spoke rudely. Maybe she didn’t even mean to or realise she was. Maybe maybe maybe…. There could be lots of reasons ..

There’s usually a reason that people are unkind. if you’ve been a little unkind (understandably) then there’s a reason (your PND) . Try thinking that there’s maybe a reason the dog owner has been unkind to and responding to her with kindness and warmth if there’s a next time. Keeping your boundaries sure , but with kindness and warmth.

Not all for her benefit but as much for your own. Because as much as you tell yourself and all your detractors on this thread that it doesn’t bother you, that you don’t want to make friends with her, that you’re fine with the situation as it is, you’re obviously not. It’s ruining your garden for you, and pulling you back to memories of your PND ( and your bond with your daughter) and likely other traumas in your life that have caused you to be the fighter you are. Having this unresolved happy problem is a festering sore stopping you healing.

you don’t even have to do physically anything to do this, you don’t necessarily have to talk to the dog owner or make friends with the dog. You just have to try and change the way you’re thinking about it. Try remembering that everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about and ultimately it is better to be kind. For your own benefit as well as for others.

anyway, hope you’re ok. Hope you continue to heal from your PND xxx

You can really tell who the arseholes with yappy dogs are on this thread...

Be well, OP. The overreactions to this thread are monumental.

With the number of deleted posts, I can’t believe that MNHQ haven’t deleted the thread and, more importantly, banned some of the truly vile posters.

Yes, so spiteful. Yappy little dogs with nasty bites...

Apparently. This thread seems to have attracted an inordinate number of armchair psychologists diagnosing through the medium of internet, and their collective IQ gets lower the more of them wade in.

I dont think you ‘making friends with the dog ‘ was actually going to resolve the situation, but you, know, it may have helped somewhat, you’ll never know as you never tried, and put what happened previously aside, and was the bigger person.
I’m fairly old and a good maxim I’ve lived my life by is ‘you get more with honey than with vinegar’. Try it. It might surprise you.

I agree - although as I said earlier on in the thread 'making friends' with the yappy little dog actually did work for me! The dog knows me and gives a welcome bark and wags its tail - but now generally shooshes. I don't care for the dog really but I'm keen to have a good relationship with my neighbours!

@randomdogfriend

Glad to hear you've made lemonades out of lemons in regards to your tough life experiences. If you suffered the PND while the dog was barking all the time I can imagine that would have aggravated it which is very sad.

People are lecturing you about choosing kindness, but it would really have been kind of that woman to do something about her barking dog when you, a mother of a newborn, asked her instead of being fake nice a year later while still not committing to resolve the problem. I read a lot of threads on here (but rarely comment) but what I've seen so far is a lot of people seem to struggle with being assertive, so there's probably some kind of envy regarding your ability to speak up.

Also agree that it's not unreasonable for you to engage with all these posting comments on your thread, and if anything I find it more unreasonable how people start a thread on something and then ignore most of the comments, barely coming back to respond, if at all!

Just wanted to add, I didn't see any of the offending comments before MNHQ deleted them, but I think if the same people are getting their comments repeatedly removed in the same thread... surely they should be banned from that thread because they are not adding anything constructive.

Right! This is (probably) going to be my last post on this thread as I have a lot of deadlines this week, but really astounded at the entitlement of people making all these wild assessments on her character and throwing what I suspect are personal insults removed by MNHQ... but are super indignant that @randomdogfriend is not just rolling over and taking it?

I get that people have different views and opinions, I really do... however, this demand for her just to shut up and take it reminds me of some bullies in the workplace I've came across. Not pleasant.

If the OP takes one thing from this thread I hope it's to realise there are a lot of irresponsible and entitled pet owners and to report this crap, because for all we know, there could be another tired parent with a newborn round the corner who could do with a break from the barking and just doesn't have the energy to make the report themselves. And I say this as someone who has never reported a neighbour for anything - in this case it would be well-deserved and I suspect someone has already done so hence her recent interaction.

OK, I'm peacing out of this thread for now..

Only a small minority of posters have been 'vile' (surely the most overused and irritating word on this thread). It now seems to be generally accepted that anyone who feels the OP could have been a bit more civil to the woman is 'vile'. So much black and white thinking and very little nuance. The OP has ignored the fact that the majority of posters didn't think she should have to make friends with a dog, or indeed it's owner. She is fixated on the fact that many posters thought her monosyllabic responses to the woman sounded a bit mean spirited. It's just an opinion. We are all getting a small snapshot of a situation. It's all we have to base our opinions on. There's no excuse for the nastiness, but the OP's hackles were up long before the nastiness began.

It now seems to be generally accepted that anyone who feels the OP could have been a bit more civil to the woman is 'vile

Does it?

Such rubbish.

What's vile are the personal insults. They are never OK. Nothing in this world will convince me that sort of behaviour is justified. Nothing.

There is a world of difference between "I think you could have been a little more civil" versus "you sound like a twat/psychopath/up your own arse". If you can't see that I can't help you.

That was @ClinkeyMonkey

I don't need your help @randomdogfriend thanks all the same. I specifically said that there was no excuse for nastiness. My point was that the posters who were being actively nasty were in the minority. You ignored anyone who was simply making a point, albeit one you disagreed with, and focused on the ones who were being 'vile'. Then they all seemed to morph into one big homogeneous lump out to get you. But here, again, is an example of your pick and mix reading of a post, when you assert that somehow I don't recognise nastiness when I see it, even though I said there was no excuse for it. I don't think I can help you either.

In all fairness, the ones who were being vile did pretty much take over the thread. The worst of it has been deleted now, but it became actively batshit.

"Pick and mix" reading of a post.
In other words - interpreting and responding to the things that are of interest to me.

Like everyone on here has been doing.

There's been a lot of "pick and mix" reading of my own posts by others, too.

OP this is a genuine question.. why are you posting in the AIBU post if you don't want people's opinions? You have to put your ego to one side if you are going to post on this particular forum 😬