Don’t want to “make friends” with neighbour’s dog…

[randomdogfriend]

NC for this. Sorry it's long!

Small backstory: Neighbour has a yappy dog that never stops, it comes right up to the fence in our back garden and barks incessantly whenever any of us go into the garden. It also barks at passers by on the street - it literally follows them along the fence yapping incessantly as they walk down the street. Neighbour does very little to address this - the occasion half hearted “stop that (name of dog)”, but it doesn’t listen to her and she doesn’t physically remove it. Last year I had a word with the neighbour about this through the fence - the barking was so bad it was upsetting my then newborn aged baby as we sat in the garden. She argued back with me and was generally unpleasant, so I threatened to report her if it didn’t stop. This was around 12 months ago and I’ve had no interactions with her since. The dog has done its usual nuisance barking at the fence when we’ve been out in the garden but I’ve largely tried to ignore it, and now that DD is a bit older she isn’t as startled or bothered by it. So we just largely ignore now.

Today I took DD (now 15 months) out in the garden to play. I sat on the grass relaxing whilst she played. Yappy dog approached the fence as per usual, but we were far enough away from the fence that I could mostly tune it out and just focus on playing with DD. DD didn’t seem remotely bothered by it either. I was then aware of neighbour approaching the fence and heard her say “oh are you saying hello (dogs name)?” Dog continued to incessantly yap. I ignored and continued to play with DD.

Next thing I heard “excuse me can I talk to you?“ through the fence. The fence is too high to see over it, and you can just about make out a person through the slats but I couldn’t really see her. I said “sorry, do you mean me?” (Not really able to see anyone at this point, just a shadow through the fence, and I was also sat a good few feet away from the fence. She said “yes”. I said “erm, yeah I suppose, I can’t see you but I can hear you”. She said “I’m sorry my dog barks and annoys you”. I replied “that’s ok” and then continued to engage with DD who was toddling around (so my attention was more focussed on her and I honestly didn’t want to have any interaction with anyone else at that point). I was hoping this would end the conversation. She continued: “if you made friends with her, she wouldn’t bark at you”. I just again decided to give a one word answer in the hope she would disengage from me as all I wanted to do was relax and play with DD. I replied again “right, ok”. She then continued… “if you made friends with her she wouldn’t bark and then you wouldn’t complain, would you”.

At this point I got irritated as she was pushing an unwanted conversation and also implying I had “complained” when I’d had one interaction with her about this a whole year ago where I’d threatened to complain but not followed that through, and also not mentioned the dog to her since.

I replied: “I just want to enjoy my garden with my DD. I don’t want to have to make friends with a dog through the fence. If your dog is barking constantly it’s because you aren’t training her properly, and that’s up to you to address. It’s not down to other people to make friends with your dog”.

It was more than I wanted to invest in the interaction but to be honest she had annoyed me by that point.

She then said, randomly, “how old is your daughter now?” I replied with her age. In between I was playing with DD and interacting with her, hoping neighbour would get the hint that I didn’t want to engage with her. She then said “what’s her name?” I replied with her name. Just one word answers to try to end it. She then said “ok. I just thought we could be friends that’s all”. Then she (presumably) walked off back to her house (like I say, limited visibility through the fence).

The whole interaction was just so random. Firstly I hadn’t commented on her dog, I was minding my own business and playing with DD. Also a whole year has passed since our last interaction so why approach me now? It would have made sense if I’d complained there and then about the dog, but I’d said nothing. I was just ignoring it as I usually do.

If it’s relevant this isn’t a next door neighbour as such. It’s hard to explain but we are a detached house and her back garden and mine back share a boundary fence. Our houses are nowhere near each other and are actually on separate streets. I am friends with my next door neighbour, by choice, who is lovely. I have no desire to be friends with this other neighbour or her dog.

Was I mean or unreasonable to not want to be friends with either her or her dog? When I'm in my garden I just want to relax and enjoy my garden and my daughter. Is this reasonable? Also, should random people be expected to befriend dogs, or is the onus on the owners to stop the barking regardless?

Any thoughts welcomed.

I've said a few times that the yapping is pretty much continuous, though. It yaps at any Tom Dick or Harry who passes by on the street, literally runs along the fence yapping. So even if I bought into the concept that befriending a dog through a fence that can barely be seen through would solve the problem of it yapping at me, it doesn't solve the overall issue of the incessant yapping at everyone else, which I would still hear. I could befriend the entire street and the dog would still yap constantly. So the whole exercise is just pointless.

It is on the owner to train but she hasn't and there's no sign she will. The dog may be barking as he perceives neighbour to be a threat. Its not only for attention so the op wouldn't be rewarding "bad behavioir" she would be showing the dog she isn't a threat and he would likely stop yapping

Offit this. Why post on aibu if you’re adamant you’re not?

Suprised this is still going with all the deleted posts.

Presumably MNHQ recognise that it's unfair to delete an OP's thread when it's others who are unable to engage in civil debate without resorting to personal insults. I'm not responsible for the behaviour of others, so why should I lose my thread?

🎻

If she gives the dog attention for barking, chances are it will bark even more every time she goes out there. It isn’t up to @randomdogfriend to do anything. She’s under zero obligation to make friends with either the dog or it’s owner.

I admire your ability to remain calm and polite in this thread, OP.

The point with dog yapping at everyone is something not many YABU posters even noticed.

The more I think about this case, if the yapping would be annoying you, there might be actually a good time to complain now- if she acted on other complaint as seems probable here, having 2 at once from different sides might show more about the extent of the yapping annoyance.

Only you know whether it still brings you some value, other than keeping record of how far some dog people can go if someone doesn't love their furries.

Lord, Is this still going on?!
I could type a long post out about the inconsistencies in your posts, ‘the dog doesn’t bother me’ in later posts you have admitted it does.
Requesting the thread to be deleted, then saying ‘why should I lose my thread?’
But quite frankly it’s too hot and I can’t be arsed.
OP I’m genuinely sorry that you’ve been upset by some of the vile responses and personal attacks on here. That’s not acceptable.
But in your later posts you’ve been so less aggressive and defensive in your tone and I can’t help think that that is why things kicked off so much initially.

Perhaps if you’d been like that from the start then maybe this wouldn’t have turned into such a bun fight.
In nearly 20 years on Mumsnet I have never seen someone defend herself so vociferously and that’s what IMHO got peoples backs up.
I dont think you ‘making friends with the dog ‘ was actually going to resolve the situation, but you, know, it may have helped somewhat, you’ll never know as you never tried, and put what happened previously aside, and was the bigger person.
I’m fairly old and a good maxim I’ve lived my life by is ‘you get more with honey than with vinegar’. Try it. It might surprise you.
If I were you I’d hide this thread and move on.

I admire your ability to remain calm and polite in this thread, OP.

Thank you

In nearly 20 years on Mumsnet I have never seen someone defend herself so vociferously and that’s what IMHO got peoples backs up.

That says far more about the people who are getting annoyed than it does me. People who are attacked will defend themselves, that's normal and perfectly acceptable.

Maybe it does, but it’s a fact! That’s Mumsnet! Right or wrong that’s how it is 🤷‍♀️

Yup. The main reason other people haven't been seen defending themselves as much as you have, is that they decide it isn't worth it and stop posting. Some might leave mumsnet altogether, some might name change.

I've certainly done that one in the past when I came up against a particularly tenacious poster that would not or could not see that it was ok that I held a different political viewpoint to her, and would not stop posting, even after I had. I did it again again someone was determined I was lying about where I came from, because she had relations from there and there was apparently no way anyone from there would think the way I do.

Some people are just keyboard warriors that love a bit of drama, and try to create it wherever they go.

Some of the posters on here are like yappy dogs, going on and on.

Hope you're ok OP.

Agree with this.

Unbelievable how the OP has made herself into a victim, when she came out fighting after a couple of negative replies. Only a small number of posters thought she should make friends with the dog, but there was a general consensus that she had been unkind to the neighbour. She couldn’t see how this could possibly be the case because apparently ‘unkind would have been “fuck off”’. There are, of course, many ways to be unkind which don’t involve these words or anything like them. If she was sure of her position, she wouldn’t have started a thread on Mumsnet. I think she knows deep down that she wasn’t very nice.

To the OP I applaud you for your determination to call people out on their nonsense. A PP said mumsnet gets angry when people defend themselves and I think that’s it. There was a coupe of posters in particular coming on repeatedly just to goad you. Like they desperately wanted the last word.

A lot of these replies were completely unreasonable, I couldn’t believe what I was reading. However, I have heard it said that Britain is a nation that collectively donates more to pet charities than children’s charities so the prioritising of a dog/dog owner over a baby is predictable sadly.

Firstly, as some people have rightly picked up on, the neighbour wasn’t extending any olive branch by shifting the burden to you of making “friends” with her dog and secondly, she could have apologised for not caring about the distress she was causing to your newborn a year ago. It’s absolutely vile that she adopted that sort of attitude.

And what so many seem to have (deliberately) missed is that the dog barks at everyone, so you still wouldn’t get peace from the barking even if you did ‘befriend’ Fido 😂

And finally, please report this dog! Even if you think you’ve blocked it out I’m sure it would help your general feeling of peace etc if they trained their dog properly. It’s their responsibility, not yours …so if you don’t want to make friends with their dog you’re still not to blame.

@Cyclemarine

Thank you.

I think I said earlier on the thread that it probably ruins the dynamic for the PPs who like to bully and enjoy a good pile on, when an OP stands up for herself to the bitter end. They are literally fuming that they can't continue their entertainment and wear an internet stranger down until they give up. Fortunately, I've had some pretty tough and shitty life experiences that have instilled in me a deep rooted tenacity and determination not to allow myself to be pushed around or bullied. It's served me incredibly well in real life, too. Clearly I have psychological vulnerabilities, too. I was susceptible to severe PND and I suffered horrendously. But I don't ever allow anyone to openly abuse or be shitty towards me without being called out on it. I don't need to resort to abuse or foul language or personal insults to do so, either, as this thread shows. A trait I am proud of and I hope I pass onto my daughter. ☺️

Thanks also for your advice re the dog. I will consider it carefully.

There was a coupe of posters in particular coming on repeatedly just to goad you. Like they desperately wanted the last word.

Yes. Just to pick up on this.

I found it desperately sad, actually. "Is this thread still going?!" "Wow day 2 are you still replying?" etc etc. Memes being posted designed to try and inflame and get a reaction.
That's how others are behaving ... and yet my polite and measured responses are what is being commented on as "odd" and "rude".

The absolute irony is, that sort of behaviour reflects negatively on the other people posting, not than the OP who stays with the thread calmly and assertively defending herself.
Sadly however, the sort of people who engage in that type of goading and bullying won't ever see that. So they will continue.

Just as an aside....this has just occurred to me.

Since the number of times I have posted on my own thread has been commented on in a negative light, I thought I would make the opposite point.

I have obviously posted frequently on my own thread because I am personally invested in my own life and comments being made towards and about me. That's normal human behaviour.

On the contrary, I have never posted on another person's thread as many times as some posters on here have posted on mine. Never. Unless it was out of genuine concern for an OP in a crap situation (ie unless I was posting in good faith to check in with that person), I honestly cannot imagine being invested in another person's life or situation to that extent, or to be driven so deeply by a need to goad and bully for my own entertainment.

And I'm the strange one for posting so often on my own thread, in response to comments made towards and about me, about my own life situation?

So funny. And painfully ironic.

Bingo.

Attacked? Proof, please? Quotes/evidence?

@Travisty

May I suggest you look up the definition of "attack". Defending one's position, is not attacking. Hth.