Don’t want to “make friends” with neighbour’s dog…

[randomdogfriend]

NC for this. Sorry it's long!

Small backstory: Neighbour has a yappy dog that never stops, it comes right up to the fence in our back garden and barks incessantly whenever any of us go into the garden. It also barks at passers by on the street - it literally follows them along the fence yapping incessantly as they walk down the street. Neighbour does very little to address this - the occasion half hearted “stop that (name of dog)”, but it doesn’t listen to her and she doesn’t physically remove it. Last year I had a word with the neighbour about this through the fence - the barking was so bad it was upsetting my then newborn aged baby as we sat in the garden. She argued back with me and was generally unpleasant, so I threatened to report her if it didn’t stop. This was around 12 months ago and I’ve had no interactions with her since. The dog has done its usual nuisance barking at the fence when we’ve been out in the garden but I’ve largely tried to ignore it, and now that DD is a bit older she isn’t as startled or bothered by it. So we just largely ignore now.

Today I took DD (now 15 months) out in the garden to play. I sat on the grass relaxing whilst she played. Yappy dog approached the fence as per usual, but we were far enough away from the fence that I could mostly tune it out and just focus on playing with DD. DD didn’t seem remotely bothered by it either. I was then aware of neighbour approaching the fence and heard her say “oh are you saying hello (dogs name)?” Dog continued to incessantly yap. I ignored and continued to play with DD.

Next thing I heard “excuse me can I talk to you?“ through the fence. The fence is too high to see over it, and you can just about make out a person through the slats but I couldn’t really see her. I said “sorry, do you mean me?” (Not really able to see anyone at this point, just a shadow through the fence, and I was also sat a good few feet away from the fence. She said “yes”. I said “erm, yeah I suppose, I can’t see you but I can hear you”. She said “I’m sorry my dog barks and annoys you”. I replied “that’s ok” and then continued to engage with DD who was toddling around (so my attention was more focussed on her and I honestly didn’t want to have any interaction with anyone else at that point). I was hoping this would end the conversation. She continued: “if you made friends with her, she wouldn’t bark at you”. I just again decided to give a one word answer in the hope she would disengage from me as all I wanted to do was relax and play with DD. I replied again “right, ok”. She then continued… “if you made friends with her she wouldn’t bark and then you wouldn’t complain, would you”.

At this point I got irritated as she was pushing an unwanted conversation and also implying I had “complained” when I’d had one interaction with her about this a whole year ago where I’d threatened to complain but not followed that through, and also not mentioned the dog to her since.

I replied: “I just want to enjoy my garden with my DD. I don’t want to have to make friends with a dog through the fence. If your dog is barking constantly it’s because you aren’t training her properly, and that’s up to you to address. It’s not down to other people to make friends with your dog”.

It was more than I wanted to invest in the interaction but to be honest she had annoyed me by that point.

She then said, randomly, “how old is your daughter now?” I replied with her age. In between I was playing with DD and interacting with her, hoping neighbour would get the hint that I didn’t want to engage with her. She then said “what’s her name?” I replied with her name. Just one word answers to try to end it. She then said “ok. I just thought we could be friends that’s all”. Then she (presumably) walked off back to her house (like I say, limited visibility through the fence).

The whole interaction was just so random. Firstly I hadn’t commented on her dog, I was minding my own business and playing with DD. Also a whole year has passed since our last interaction so why approach me now? It would have made sense if I’d complained there and then about the dog, but I’d said nothing. I was just ignoring it as I usually do.

If it’s relevant this isn’t a next door neighbour as such. It’s hard to explain but we are a detached house and her back garden and mine back share a boundary fence. Our houses are nowhere near each other and are actually on separate streets. I am friends with my next door neighbour, by choice, who is lovely. I have no desire to be friends with this other neighbour or her dog.

Was I mean or unreasonable to not want to be friends with either her or her dog? When I'm in my garden I just want to relax and enjoy my garden and my daughter. Is this reasonable? Also, should random people be expected to befriend dogs, or is the onus on the owners to stop the barking regardless?

Any thoughts welcomed.

Oh here we go again. Another thread where OP asks people if they ABU and then proceeds to not believe anyone who actually says yes YABU.

Also, you meeting the dog probably won't fix the issue, but you were rather rude after she held out olive branch to you. People make mistakes, she was trying to reach out. Your response was just rude, and no better than her previous interaction with you.

Lolling hard at "I'll report you" there's a name for people like you OP. God I hope that dog disrupts your peace forevermore 😂

Your the one threatening to report her dog for ... well being a dog!!!

What is a Dog, lesson one.

Dogs have four legs and a tail, and a nose. They like to go for walks. Sometimes they say Woof. All this is fine.

Dogs also exhibit some behaviours that have the potential to affect others. For example, they may poo in public places. They may bite people or other dogs if they feel threatened. They may say Woof a lot if they feel bored, or frightened. All this is also 'being a dog'. However, it is not OK. It does not matter that the dog is just 'being a dog'. You are a human, and if you own a dog, you are responsible for the dog.

This is a particularly tricky aspect of dog ownership which many people are unable to grasp. However, I hope this helps to clarify the position for anyone posting variations of 'YABU its what dog's do lol'.

You wouldn't have to make friends with the dog. If it sees you with DC having a face to face non confrontational talk with your neighbour that should do the trick.
Of course if it turns into a heated argument you'd be seen as a threat and the barking might get worse.

Tho g is op your "little one" will grow up , want a trampoline, want friends over , want water slides , want to make noise .
What happens then ?

Yes as a human the owner is responsible for the dogs behaviour. But the dog is just following instincts. It's being territorial to someone it doesn't know.
Barking is annoying I get that. But it's no more annoying than kids screaming and shouting in their back gardens which ma y if us are subjected to from dawn till dusk!
Dogs are not robots - they do sometimes make noise and bark. Just as kids make noise. Just as the bloke down the end of the road with the noisy motorbike makes noise!

The point is we have to learn to coexist. You are never going to have harmonious relationships if your first instinct is to threaten the dog owner that you are going to report them for the dog doing something completely normal!

@randomdogfriend You were MUCH more restrained than I ever would have been.

For those baying for kindness from the you, perhaps you should point out that the reason this dog barks/yaps/howls incessantly while running up and down the fence is because it’s bored shitless. It is clearly seeking any kind of attention it can get because the soggy bloody owner just hurls it in the garden rather than taking responsibility and dealing with it’s behaviour. It’s not been taught adequate boundaries. A bored, lonely, insecure dog is an anxious one. I hardly consider that neglecting an animal to that extent to be the behaviour of a kind person.
Her comment about wanting to be friends was hardly genuine if she has no intention of shutting her dog up - consistently. It was another attempt to manipulate the OP - as was trying to engage her in a conversation about her child.
Whether she has had a complaint made or not, the responsibility for the dog’s behaviour is not the OP’s.
OP is no more obliged to engage in an unwanted conversation with the neighbour than she is with a random man who demands a smile or a pervy drunk at a pub.

@Dobbysgotthesocks

For the 298th time ........ I firstly tried to engage her in a civil conversation. I was polite but firm. I said "please can you stop your dog barking like that so close to the fence, it's upsetting my baby" (or words to that effect). I did NOT begin the interaction by screaming "I'm going to report you!!" or whatever you're imagining. She was then very unpleasant back to me, and told me essentially I'd need to suck it up because "dogs bark, that's what they do". Had she been more helpful or willing to engage with me civilly, or even offered an apology, it would have been entirely different. But she didn't. So I said if she didn't sort it I would report her. Am I just expected to be a nicey nice little woman and never assert myself when someone is unreasonable towards me? I don't work that way. It's up to you if that's how you function, but it's not for me.

"Yes as a human the owner is responsible for the dogs behaviour. But the dog is just following instincts. It's being territorial to someone it doesn't know.
Barking is annoying I get that. But it's no more annoying than kids screaming and shouting in their back gardens which ma y if us are subjected to from dawn till dusk!
Dogs are not robots - they do sometimes make noise and bark. Just as kids make noise. Just as the bloke down the end of the road with the noisy motorbike makes noise!

The point is we have to learn to coexist. You are never going to have harmonious relationships if your first instinct is to threaten the dog owner that you are going to report them for the dog doing something completely normal!"

The thing is a dog continually barking will be dealt with. It is a nuisance. My next door neighbours (and no it wasn't us that complained but someone a few doors down) were told to stop their dog barking or they would have it removed.

A dog that barks a few times then stops is different from a dog that barks continuously. That grates on your nerves. That's not normal neighbourhood noise.

Barking is annoying I get that. But it's no more annoying than kids screaming and shouting in their back gardens

I disagree one trillion percent. I find the noise of a dog yapping incessantly to be up there with one of the most annoying noises I've ever encountered. Probably on a par with motorbikes. Nothing at all like kids playing, well not to me anyway.

@Dobbysgotthesocks - it is NOT normal behaviour for dogs to run up and down a fence line barking and yelping incessantly. It is a sign of boredom, frustration and aggression. Normal dog behaviour is to bark briefly to alert their owners to something and then STFU.

What happens then is.... she has those things and she enjoys herself in the garden like a normal child. Bit of a non issue, really. Not sure what that's got to do with my OP 🤷‍♀️

OP is no more obliged to engage in an unwanted conversation with the neighbour than she is with a random man who demands a smile or a pervy drunk at a pub.

Thank you. I'm so glad you made this point because there are such double standards aren't there? It's spouted continually on here how you don't owe any man a conversation if you don't want to engage with him. Yet a female neighbour, you're "rude" and "mean" if you don't befriend (and her annoying yappy little dog) the moment she requests it. 🤷‍♀️

Tbh I don't believe you. The confrontational way you have come across on here and the rude way you spoke to her this time just makes me feel that you were likely the instigator.
Sorry but that's how I see it

No it absolutely is how a dog would normally behave.
It's training and feeling safe that make them change that behaviour. When a dog feels unsure or threatened if absolutely is the way a dog would instinctively behave.

From the tone of the OPs posts I strongly suspect she's giving off very negative vibes to the poor dog. I doubt she is being truthful about her interactions with its owner either!

@Dobbysgotthesocks

That's fine. Will I lose sleep over an Internet random not believing me?

No. I definitely won't. 👍🏻

@Dobbysgotthesocks - OR you could consider RTFT and absorb the part where the dog is NOT trained. It is left out in the garden to yap insanely without rebuke. It’s neglected by it’s soggy owner and it’s behaviour has nothing to do with “vibes” from the OP. If that were the case, then it wouldn’t continue to yap it’s little brains out when the OP was inside her home. It’s yapping at anything that moves, goes past the house, and probably even the sound of it’s own voice.

From the tone of the OPs posts I strongly suspect she's giving off very negative vibes to the poor dog.

😂😂😂😂

So we've had "bad energies" and now "negative vibes".

I've already clarified that I was in a lovely mood in my garden yesterday, playing happily with my little one. So there was no "negative zen" in my aura....

But, that's aside: For the love of all that is holy - there is a fucking 8 foot fence with teeny tiny gaps in the wood so that you can barely see through it! It's just the sound of voices that the dog barks at. It can't see me, I can't possibly interact with it... how the holy fuck is it reacting to my negative vibes?!

Sometimes I literally walk out into the garden, pull up an chair, put my headphones in, sip my drink, and chill. No voices, no talking, no child, nothing, and the fucker STILL hounds the fence yapping.

Are you saying that it's picking up on my "negative" zen, despite the fact I'm sat there chilled and relaxed in fucking silence??

Utterly bizarre. But also entertaining because fuck me there are some strange folk in the world 😂

I agree with you (about the noise of the dog barking - don't mind the noise if motorbikes 😂)

But it just gets on your nerves. It's then all you can hear. And there just isn't a need for it and nor is it something for anyone else other than the owner to fix.

My eldest was terrified of dogs when he was younger. And while he has overcome that to some extent, a dog constantly barking every time he went outside would still greatly affect him. That's not on and thankfully not an issue for us these days.

I can't help but think the dogs barking has become such an issue another neighbour has complained and the dog owner thinks it's you as you have spoken to them about it in the past.

I have read the full thread thanks.

Some dogs are like that. Some will always be noisy buggers. Its bloody hard work when you have one like that it really is! But Thats life! It's part of living in a community!
If you don't want to hear noise from other people then you have to live somewhere without neighbours.

Oh here we go again. Another thread where OP asks people if they ABU and then proceeds to not believe anyone who actually says yes YABU.

Oh here we go again, another poster who believes that an OP is absolutely obliged to align their viewpoint with anyone who disagrees with them, ignoring anyone supports their viewpoint.

You do realise there are a mixture of responses? Can you explain why I should be aligning myself with the yabus over the yanbus? Is that a requirement of this forum? Or is it allowed that an OP comes to realise she was not unreasonable based on the mixture of responses? 🤔

Accosting someone quietly minding their own business in their own garden to yell passive aggressive insults over a fence implying the OP is to blame for the dog's behaviour is not "holding out an olive branch."

The neighbour was very rude.

If the neighbour had any genuine interest in making amends or holding out an olive branch she would have knocked on the door.

"have read the full thread thanks.

Some dogs are like that. Some will always be noisy buggers. Its bloody hard work when you have one like that it really is! But Thats life! It's part of living in a community!
If you don't want to hear noise from other people then you have to live somewhere without neighbours."

I strongly disagree that having a yappy dog who barks all the time is part of living in a community. That's just a huge lack awareness of others. And thankfully, certainly locally, would not be tolerated. It very much would be considered a noise nuisance and the dog potentially removed.

A dog who barks occasionally- yes regular neighbourhood noise, but one who barks all the time? That's not normal level of noise.

Yes... look at me, engaging with my own thread and stuff. How dare I.

It's quite clear that my responses on here are not reflective of my feelings towards the dog or the neighbour necessarily at this point - my original OP was, yes. My responses thereafter are a reflection of how I feel about the views of random people on the internet. That is what I am currently engaging with, not the neighbour or her dog. I still feel indifferent towards the neighbour and her dog. 🤷‍♀️