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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Don’t want to “make friends” with neighbour’s dog…

636 replies

randomdogfriend · 16/07/2022 18:58

NC for this. Sorry it's long!

Small backstory: Neighbour has a yappy dog that never stops, it comes right up to the fence in our back garden and barks incessantly whenever any of us go into the garden. It also barks at passers by on the street - it literally follows them along the fence yapping incessantly as they walk down the street. Neighbour does very little to address this - the occasion half hearted “stop that (name of dog)”, but it doesn’t listen to her and she doesn’t physically remove it. Last year I had a word with the neighbour about this through the fence - the barking was so bad it was upsetting my then newborn aged baby as we sat in the garden. She argued back with me and was generally unpleasant, so I threatened to report her if it didn’t stop. This was around 12 months ago and I’ve had no interactions with her since. The dog has done its usual nuisance barking at the fence when we’ve been out in the garden but I’ve largely tried to ignore it, and now that DD is a bit older she isn’t as startled or bothered by it. So we just largely ignore now.

Today I took DD (now 15 months) out in the garden to play. I sat on the grass relaxing whilst she played. Yappy dog approached the fence as per usual, but we were far enough away from the fence that I could mostly tune it out and just focus on playing with DD. DD didn’t seem remotely bothered by it either. I was then aware of neighbour approaching the fence and heard her say “oh are you saying hello (dogs name)?” Dog continued to incessantly yap. I ignored and continued to play with DD.

Next thing I heard “excuse me can I talk to you?“ through the fence. The fence is too high to see over it, and you can just about make out a person through the slats but I couldn’t really see her. I said “sorry, do you mean me?” (Not really able to see anyone at this point, just a shadow through the fence, and I was also sat a good few feet away from the fence. She said “yes”. I said “erm, yeah I suppose, I can’t see you but I can hear you”. She said “I’m sorry my dog barks and annoys you”. I replied “that’s ok” and then continued to engage with DD who was toddling around (so my attention was more focussed on her and I honestly didn’t want to have any interaction with anyone else at that point). I was hoping this would end the conversation. She continued: “if you made friends with her, she wouldn’t bark at you”. I just again decided to give a one word answer in the hope she would disengage from me as all I wanted to do was relax and play with DD. I replied again “right, ok”. She then continued… “if you made friends with her she wouldn’t bark and then you wouldn’t complain, would you”.

At this point I got irritated as she was pushing an unwanted conversation and also implying I had “complained” when I’d had one interaction with her about this a whole year ago where I’d threatened to complain but not followed that through, and also not mentioned the dog to her since.

I replied: “I just want to enjoy my garden with my DD. I don’t want to have to make friends with a dog through the fence. If your dog is barking constantly it’s because you aren’t training her properly, and that’s up to you to address. It’s not down to other people to make friends with your dog”.

It was more than I wanted to invest in the interaction but to be honest she had annoyed me by that point.

She then said, randomly, “how old is your daughter now?” I replied with her age. In between I was playing with DD and interacting with her, hoping neighbour would get the hint that I didn’t want to engage with her. She then said “what’s her name?” I replied with her name. Just one word answers to try to end it. She then said “ok. I just thought we could be friends that’s all”. Then she (presumably) walked off back to her house (like I say, limited visibility through the fence).

The whole interaction was just so random. Firstly I hadn’t commented on her dog, I was minding my own business and playing with DD. Also a whole year has passed since our last interaction so why approach me now? It would have made sense if I’d complained there and then about the dog, but I’d said nothing. I was just ignoring it as I usually do.

If it’s relevant this isn’t a next door neighbour as such. It’s hard to explain but we are a detached house and her back garden and mine back share a boundary fence. Our houses are nowhere near each other and are actually on separate streets. I am friends with my next door neighbour, by choice, who is lovely. I have no desire to be friends with this other neighbour or her dog.

Was I mean or unreasonable to not want to be friends with either her or her dog? When I'm in my garden I just want to relax and enjoy my garden and my daughter. Is this reasonable? Also, should random people be expected to befriend dogs, or is the onus on the owners to stop the barking regardless?

Any thoughts welcomed.

OP posts:
Original poster
randomdogfriend · 17/07/2022 08:25

DuckBilledPlattyJoobs · 17/07/2022 08:00

Why on earth did you reply ‘that’s ok’ when you obviously feel it isn’t? You could have had a sensible discussion.

Already covered this one in my numerous replies. Just read through them, the answer is there 👍🏻

OP posts:
Original poster
randomdogfriend · 17/07/2022 08:26

Jalisco · 17/07/2022 07:31

I couldn't give a flying fuck how I'm "coming across" anonymously to strangers on an Internet forum.

Then why did you post at all? You have chosen to ask a group of strangers on the internet whether you were being reasonable. The vast majority say yes, so you attack them! The neighbour you clearly despise tried to be neighbourly, you were rude, ostensibly because you wanted only to spend time with your daughter who you don't see enough of - and then you spend hours on a lovely Saturday evening reading and posting hundreds of responses arguing with people who answered the question you asked.

Daughter was sleeping when I posted.

I didn't "attack " anyone so please don't make false accusations

OP posts:
Original poster
randomdogfriend · 17/07/2022 08:27

SpartacusNotEsther · 17/07/2022 07:01

YANBU.

I have lovely neighbours with a dog that I adore.

I also have neighbours with a yappy little asshole of a dog. It's not the dogs fault, again, the owner can't be bothered to train it. No way would I try to befriend it. I have better things to do with my time than to spend it trying to get to know a dog that, imo, can't be trusted, just in order for it to stfu.

Exactly! I have way better things to do, too.

OP posts:
Original poster
randomdogfriend · 17/07/2022 08:28

Shoxfordian · 17/07/2022 05:30

I don’t think you were rude op; the neighbour probably thinks you complained about the dog and clearly doesn’t know anything about dog training as if she did then maybe it wouldn’t yap all day

We’re not obliged to be friendly to people just because they want to be friends- this isn’t preschool.

👏🏻

OP posts:
Original poster
randomdogfriend · 17/07/2022 08:29

The reason people are attacking you is because you've been vociferous in defending yourself, and unfortunately on MN that's a red flag to a bull. Some people just really relish a pile-on and lick their chops at the possibility of a fight.

Oh yes!! Sad isn't it?

OP posts:
Original poster
randomdogfriend · 17/07/2022 08:44

zoeFromCity · 17/07/2022 00:05

I don't see anything wrong on your side, OP.

Agreeing to be talked to was both polite and giving the neighbor a chance to say something sensible. If the neighbor wanted to improve relationship, they can make effort to limit the barking. Instead, she went with the idea of "making friends" with the dog which is just lame and shifting effort and blame. After that it had become clear that further discussion was useless and therefore it was kept short.

I'm very in favour of the theory that someone else complained and that she thinks it was you.

Yep

OP posts:
Original poster
randomdogfriend · 17/07/2022 08:45

Turnfacethenamechange · 17/07/2022 00:31

Haven’t RTFT. but since you asked, I think you were unnecessarily unfriendly.

As for what I would have done differently, I would have smiled. I would have asked her what her dog is called and asked what she means by making friends? I would explain that I don’t like dogs, but if there’s anything easy I can do to help solve the situation I would be happy to try (perhaps dog just needs to be familiar with your smell? You could give it an old pair of your socks, or something like that). I would then move on to some small talk about the weather or the house, and finish by smiling and saying “nice talking to you, and thanks for being understanding about the dog. I hope we can find a way to stop the barking”.

You would have smiled at a fence?

And you'd have said "thanks for being understanding about the dog" when it's her dog causing the issues??? Eh??

OP posts:
milkyaqua · 17/07/2022 08:49

I replied: “I just want to enjoy my garden with my DD. I don’t want to have to make friends with a dog through the fence. If your dog is barking constantly it’s because you aren’t training her properly, and that’s up to you to address. It’s not down to other people to make friends with your dog”.

You've covered it perfectly.

Don't let the mean girls on this thread make you doubt your own reality. It was odd she approached you a year later to do this, and you are under no obligation to make faux friendships with random women in your area or their dogs!

Original poster
randomdogfriend · 17/07/2022 08:53

I'm sure your child makes noise, like her dog does.

My child is 15 months old. She giggles and coos and chatters and runs around the garden. She doesn't go right up to the fence and yap incessantly at anyone she senses on the other side, nor does she follow random people along the side fence who pass on the street, yapping incessantly at them, too. Not quite the same, is it.

OP posts:
Original poster
randomdogfriend · 17/07/2022 08:57

DaniRabbity · 17/07/2022 02:35

OP, you've not done anything wrong at all.

The reason people are attacking you is because you've been vociferous in defending yourself, and unfortunately on MN that's a red flag to a bull. Some people just really relish a pile-on and lick their chops at the possibility of a fight.

There was a dreadful thread here recently about an autistic girl who'd been sexually assaulted, lots of sympathy, until one poster (who's known for being very blunt) said she'd was asking to be raped. The OP got very heated and argued back and defended herself, and it completely changed the tone of the thread. Just because she'd argued back everyone else started piling on, because they smelled blood in the water.

I bet anything some of the posters being so touchy have out of control dogs and are projecting onto the neighbour.

The neighbour didn't "offer an olive branch". She came and shouted a rude, passive aggressive remark over a high fence (and people are suggesting the OP should have smiled - is the OP supposed to grin inanely at a fence when the person on the other side couldn't actually see her??) and blamed the neighbour for her out of control dog.

Are people missing the fact the dog has been constantly barking - at everyone - for a full YEAR? The dog is obviously out of control, and clearly the neighbour has no intention of doing anything about it.

@DaniRabbity

I absolutely agree with your assessment - I've seen it time and time again on here. If OP dares to defend themselves, it changed the dynamic such that the online bullies are no longer able yo pile on and get their sad kicks. They are FURIOUS that OP has dared to have an opinion on their opinion of her - how dare she? That's not conducive to online bullying, it's ruined the whole dynamic now! So we then get "OP why did you bother to post if you're going to argue back?" (in other words, "why did you post when you're not going to just lie down and take all the shit that anyone throws at you? That's ruined my entertainment and that was my reason for posting!")

Utterly dreadful. And very, very sad for those individuals.

OP posts:
JesusInTheCabbageVan · 17/07/2022 09:15

@randomdogfriend agree. And I would be willing to bet that the people sticking the boot in here are the same ones who constantly parrot 'No is a complete sentence' and attack other posters for not being assertive enough.

ApplesandBunions · 17/07/2022 09:19

stuntbubbles · 17/07/2022 08:08

MN is such a weird aggressively pro-dog fantasyland. How is it ruder to not engage in conversation (OP) than it is to inflict a horrible yappy dog on your surrounding neighbours, and put the onus on your neighbours to magically befriend the mutt through a fence (NDN)? Madness.

Yeah, anyone expecting other people to befriend their dog is always being a twat. But particularly so when it's because they've failed to train them properly. The neighbour is a pain in the arse.

tigger1001 · 17/07/2022 09:26

"You would have smiled at a fence?

And you'd have said "thanks for being understanding about the dog" when it's her dog causing the issues??? Eh??"

Totally agree. Saying thanks to the person who is allowing their dog to bark constantly for over a year? To the point where people are complaining about it? I think not!

Original poster
randomdogfriend · 17/07/2022 09:52

*This isn't one of those times when everyone is saying YABU and OP is ignoring it.

Me and a quite a few others agree the OP shouldn't be at the beck and call of a previously rude woman who now expects OP to be responsible for her poorly trained dog.*

Thank you for highlighting this. It's very far from a unanimous YABU.

OP posts:
DorchaAndLouis · 17/07/2022 10:10

My dog used to bark at the neighbours when they were in the garden. We all met up on a walk by chance shortly after I got him. The kids made a fuss of him and he saw they weren't a threat. No more barking after that.

JesusInTheCabbageVan · 17/07/2022 11:08

DorchaAndLouis · 17/07/2022 10:10

My dog used to bark at the neighbours when they were in the garden. We all met up on a walk by chance shortly after I got him. The kids made a fuss of him and he saw they weren't a threat. No more barking after that.

And if OP's NDN had taken that approach when OP first raised it a year ago, I'm sure OP would have been up for it.

Instead NDN reacted unpleasantly, then ignored OP (and the nuisance barking) for a whole year, and then - after someone else presumably made a complaint - had a thinly veiled passive aggressive go at her.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 17/07/2022 11:15

I loathe dogs barking and that dog sounds like a right PITA. To that end, I expected to empathise with you but I actually don't. My neighbour has a dog and I had the exact same problem until the dog got to know me in a casual sort of way - now I just say hello! And the dog finds something else to do. Yes, it's badly trained and yappy but it does not bark at me and that's the main thing. You sound unreasonable, to be honest.

catandcoffee · 17/07/2022 11:33

Has anyone explained how you make friends with a 🐕

Do you invite 🐕 in to your garden and home.
Do you do 🐕 sleepovers.

OP the women sounds ridiculous, like a lot of replies on here.

JesusInTheCabbageVan · 17/07/2022 11:37

catandcoffee · 17/07/2022 11:33

Has anyone explained how you make friends with a 🐕

Do you invite 🐕 in to your garden and home.
Do you do 🐕 sleepovers.

OP the women sounds ridiculous, like a lot of replies on here.

And has anyone explained how you make friends with a dog through a massive fence...?

Well according to a pp, you do It having positive energies. Dog will sense these positive energies and you will both become one with nature and the universe.

lancsgirl85 · 17/07/2022 11:38

@JesusInTheCabbageVan
😂😂

YetAnotherSpartacus · 17/07/2022 13:12

OP the women sounds ridiculous, like a lot of replies on here.

Really? I found it quite easy, probably because I don't make a habit out of being an obtuse dick.

I met the dog, said hello and a few other things until the dog got to know me and went from yapping to tail wagging. This was positively affirmed by the owner who said 'Yet is a friend!'. The next few times I went out into the garden and the dog barked I talked to it and said 'good dog!' It heard me, recognised my voice and shut the fuck up. End of.

pixels123 · 17/07/2022 13:31

You are not being unreasonable.

WTF is it with entitled dog owners who think everyone should love their dog?

That woman should is responsible for her own dog, she should train it. Her dog is not your responsibility. You should not have to "make friends" with anyone or any animal to fix their problems.

pixels123 · 17/07/2022 13:32

"Should be"

DaniRabbity · 17/07/2022 13:38

Has anyone explained how you make friends with a 🐕

Take it for a spa day.

Latecomer131 · 17/07/2022 13:48

OP you did nothing wrong and I am impressed that you restrained yourself to "yeah right" answers when the neighbour said "sorry my dog barks at you". I would have been inclined to reply "I don't think you are sorry, because you would have done something about it in the past year if you were" or similar.

Get some large plants so she can't see you, and if there's ever another adult in the garden with you, be sure to loudly comment on how annoying the dog is if it's yapping.

Your other street neighbour making it less comfortable for you to be in your garden, so in your situation, I would want to make it as awkward as possible for her to continue to do sweet FA about her yappy little rat.