To not understand how can you live on £60 a week?

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19 year old DD's social worker has arranged for her to have chaperone at her UC appointments which means she can now claim. She has severe anxiety and cannot leave the house without another person much less speak to a stranger.

I've just helped her fill out a form on Entitled To to check how much she would get.

£60 weekly.

How the fuck is she meant to survive on £60 a week?

Does this mean HMRC still expect me to fund her?

Obviously I will but if I refused what the feck is she supposed to do? how can she eat and clothe herself on £60 a week? What about contributing towards gas and electric? Paying for her mobile phone? Accessing social activities?

I just don't understand how this can be deemed enough to maintain any kind of standard of living?

They asked for my income so I assume they've taken this into account. They didn't ask if I was related to her so would a friend also be expected to feed and clothe her?

£60 a week is enough for DD. My question was how do young people who don't have parents to support them survive?

One of the things here is she is assessed on the basis of who she lives with.

If you live with others your costs go down.

A 19 year old who is in education wouldn't get benefits. They would be viewed as a dependent, even if parents refused to cough up money for their educational costs unless they were able to actively demonstrate they were a non dependent (onus to prove this is on the 19 year old).

As far as Universal Credit are concerned, yes she partly is the OPs responsibility. As for £25 on food, its not easy but it is possible if you cook and eat as a household to keep your per head cost very low.

As for accessing help, yes her condition is part of the issue but she also is making an active choice that she will not do x, y or z too on some occasions. Because she can and she feels that this is something that gives her a degree of control. She will continue to do this as long as she is enabled by you or until she has such a big crisis you feel you need to have a mental health intervention against her will for her own safety.

Its a really awful situation to be in, but the reality may well be that you protecting her, which is your natural instinct, may actually be fuelling the dependency and may prolong the problem and therefore may not actually be in her interests.

The alternative is she has to reach a point where she wants help and thats either through an epiphany moment (which is unlikely in a scenario where she is effectively comfortable) or an active crisis. Basically the most likely route out is through hitting absolute rock bottom and she either makes an active decision to change something or she hits crisis.

You may find that you have a terrible decision to make at some point.

I say this as someone with a long history of diagnosed anxiety issues and difficulties accessing help.

Anyway thats quite separate from a single young person not living with family and not getting benefits (and I made it clear, i think some really don't get enough help). Your daughters situation really isn't a priority for more money. If anything, again, it may cause more not less issues if she did get more.

Its awful but she is making a number of excuses, which are not purely anxiety driven. And even those that are anxiety driven, she has to be made to understand that its a choice between x and y, and if she chooses one route you may eventually need to act against her wishes. Opting out, is a choice to a degree. Its a choice for someone to intervene. Staying in her comfort zone will never changes things. And she doesn't want it to change because she's comfortable and mum will look after her.

It truly sucks, but the problem isn't UC in this case. Blaming it on UC is lashing back at the injustice you've faced.

UC is problematic for others in a dreadful way, but you are trying to piggy back on that injustice to somehow make your own more legitimate and sympathy gaining too. Its possible to have sympathy without that and also acknowledge that your daughter is actively being obstructive at times too and there may be a limit to how much you can help her and you may have to come to that conclusion that you may have to manage a crisis by removing your support in order to get outside support because there will always be a reason why your daughter refuses to do x, y or z otherwise.

Its not fair. But that is how it may be.

OP you are listening to what people are saying here. Benefits for young people who won’t work shouldn’t be comfortable. Based on the information the government have on your daughter there is no reason why she isn’t in work or full time education.

While I absolutely appreciated your daughter is not deciding she doesn’t want to do these things, we can’t have a benefits system which assumes every teenager has spefial
circumstances without checking or proof.

she would get housing benefit if she was out on her own. But the benefits won’t pay for a lifestyle which will allow hair colour, new clothes and socialising plus living costs. It’s a safety net to ensure proper don’t starve while they look for work.

people have repeatedly told you this, and told you there is more financial help available for your daughter. It’s not the systems fault that she refuses to access that help.

Why can't she do an online gp consult with you sitting next to her? Sorry op but it sounds like there are so many excuses being made for her. She has no reason to want to help herself because you are also enabling her. She sounds extremely dependent on you, and what happens if you are not around. You are not helping her prepare for other alternatives. Most of all, this anxiety issue has been self diagnosed and both of you have now adapted and built your lives around that. She needs help, not more money. It sounds really flimsy that she can go to a pub with her friends and have strangers around her but can't do a video consult with a doc in the safety of her own home.

Anxiety is such an awful, complex thing but she definitely needs help to begin to be more independent. She needs a formal diagnosis and then hopefully some counselling/medication which will help her to move forward. It could completely transform her life for the better.

If her condition was a more visible illness, like a broken bone, you wouldn't allow her to hobble about at home knowing she was likely going to cause some kind of permanent disability. We tend to view MH difficulties differently but they are every bit as 'physical' as a broken limb.

Although your post is about the benefit system, I think there's a bigger issue at play. What's your exit strategy/long term plan? 4 years is an awfully long time to be deeply buried in trauma. Just like with a broken foot, she needs urgent help and this will probably involve some really tough conversations and for you to set some boundaries.

My mum got made redundant during the pandemic and had to live off JSA which was £77 per week and she lives alone and has a mortgage.

This

The point is other folk paying tax are probably hanging by a thread in stressful jobs looking after families struggling and using foodbanks. Your DD lives at home has no overheads so I dont think its the tax payers responsibility to ensure she has enough money to go out socialising,

Not being rude but it's not society's job to fund your adult daughter. You had her.

Actually Redbigbananafeet you ARE being rude. No-one is obliged to fund their adult children.
Now you have explained the situation I get where you are coming from OP. For young people trying to survive on benefits alone the payments are very low. In your daughter's situation getting too comfortable on benefits wouldn't be a good thing.
It must be difficult for you to find the right balance with how the handle things I don't know what I would do either but I think I would be showing her that I wasn't at all happy about the refusal to co-operate with getting help.
ASD in women is often misdiagnosed as BPD but if she won't co-operate with anyone you are never going to find out what the difficulty is. (Trauma, BPD, ASD-a mix of the above?). It's good that the current Social Worker is supportive .

Firstly - benefits are not there to “fund a modest lifestyle” they are to help people survive. Especially now.

Secondly - for someone who has such bad anxiety they can’t even talk to strangers… yet you want her to have money to go on nights out? Anxiety my arse. I have had anxiety and that’s something I definitely couldn’t handle at the time!

Thirdly - on £60 a week she can pay her phone bill and other essentials. A cheap contract for £10-15 a month. Sorted. You’re surely not expecting her to have the latest luxuries on the backs of tax payers are you?

And lastly - yes it’s awful what she’s been through, but actually how much help has she had in terms of recovering? I say this as someone who has been through multiple traumas. I’ve had a child die, was horrifically abused for years and nearly killed because of it - BUT - I have had to access the help to be able to function and get back into society. Because of a traumatic thing happening, are you really expecting her to sit back and live off £60 a week for the rest of her life?

She needs to access the right support to hopefully get her back studying or in a part time job to help fund these things. And you need a bit of a reality check.

OP, I’m very sorry to hear this about your daughter. She has experienced major trauma which is now having severe knock on effects.

There are other means to help people with her level of need (I know you’re saying it is enough for her because you can subsidise it) but until she takes the initiative to do something, anything, to improve things, it will only get worse.

She is clearly able to make decisions, she is doing this every day, albeit not the decisions you want her to, or that benefit her as much as they could.

She will unfortunately have to get to this stage in her own time, or become sufficiently more unwell that these decisions are removed from her and made by someone else. Not somewhere she will want to be, but potentially unavoidable should this continue.

Have you told her that this can’t continue indefinitely? There will come a time when enough is enough surely.

I feel for you but she does need to think about what she needs to do to help herself out of her situation.

I have no issue with ‘my taxes’ helping her (and before anyone tells me it’s irrelevant what I think, we’re massive net contributors to the system) but it’s not sustainable for her, or this system is she just exists like this. Does she understand this in broad terms? Her boyfriend moving on with his life should also be a clear sign that things need to change a bit and I really hope she is able to turn it around, even to a small degree, sooner rather than later.

You have my sympathy, you really do. My own DSD has some of these same issues (anxiety, fear etc) and has recently moved in with us for a few reasons, but ground rules have been set for her. Very clear ones as it is. It acceptable that she does nothing meaningful, day in and day out. She understands this, but Let’s she if she sticks to them.

I'm on PIP and live on a similar amount, and that's on high rate care. Looking into UC which I'd probably get the limited work capability but I also live at home and under 25 so not sure if it's worth it or not but I'm being asked to pay £100 a week for rent which I don't even get

But she can arrange pub nights out, decide to get her hair done, say she’ll sit outside on a nice evening with you (not with your friends) and drink wine, and she has a boyfriend!

I think many would think, understandably, that she is clearly capabale of doing more, when she wants to. Work and education however don’t fit that bill.

Just some food for thought.

I have no issue with ‘my taxes’ helping her (and before anyone tells me it’s irrelevant what I think, we’re massive net contributors to the system)

And re the above point (which I think looks bad tbh and needs clarifying) I said this to counter the point that a PP made regarding’ we all take stuff and it’s not your taxes being spent so shut up’

Everyone should have a say in how our government spends money raised through taxation. Everyone.

Whether you’re a net contributor who at the end of your life has paid in more than you used, or someone who has never paid anything.

You'd get NI towards your pension paid if you're entitled to the sickness part of UC. So yes, it's worth claiming for that.

Your parents are asking for £100 per week rent? That seems steep for a young adult living at home who is on a very low income.

have you talked to them about their reasoning for this?

Op - I honestly dont think you are listening to some very good advice on this thread. You are enabling this behaviour and then expecting the government to cover this - I am sorry to be blunt but you are. She had a boyfriend, wants to go out, wants to get her hair coloured all on the tab of the tax payer.

Well - fortunately that isnt going to happen until one of you changes the way you are dealing with this.

The fact that she wont speak to anyone about this could mean its all made up and she feels that if she saw a professional they would see through it.

What are you and her going to do over the next 5 years? Just carry on like this? She is only 19. She has her life in front of her.

Why would anyone make this up? A 19 year old must be unwell to stay in her room for days on end and not even be "starved" out.
There has to be some form of mental health issue but she is also very stubborn ( which could be linked to high anxiety) and needs pushing towards help.

Who has said that OP or her daughter is making this up?

People who are too sick to work deserve to have money for hair cuts and socialising.

Taking someone to the GP isn't going to make them magically better.

And if you’re referring to the poster above, that’s not exactly what she said.

She won’t/can’t seek professional help, but can do these other things?

It’s not an unreasonable thing to question really is it.

Nobody said they OPs daughter shouldn’t get support.

The question some understandably have is the ability to do some things, but not others.

Hair, socialising, pub etc all ok ( at times) but work and education aren’t?

I genuinely believe from what OP has said her daughter has depression and anxiety and she deserves help.

But the get the help, all aspects of her life will be reviewed and questions may well be asked.

Quite right if expecting indefinite taxpayer support.

She had a boyfriend, wants to go out, wants to get her hair coloured all on the tab of the tax payer.

She basically is wanting and doing the better bits of life but finding the harder bits like education and working. Her whole behaviour is contradictory. I think she has become too comfortable in her situation and op is enabling her.

People who are too sick to work deserve to have money for hair cuts and socialising.

Taking someone to the GP isn't going to make them magically better.

No one has suggested people who are sick shouldn’t get more money and no one suggested a gp visit is a quick fix for anxiety. Many have simply pointed out that to receive more money due to being sick you understandably need to present some form of evidence that you are in fact sick and the easiest way to get the ball rolling with that is a gp visit. But it’s been very much falling on deaf ears.

Not getting out of bed and not eating for 9 days and visibly losing weight is a pretty extreme depressive episode, have you considered phoning the crisis team? Could she need to be sectioned and spend some time on a MH ward?