Name changed for this as I don't know who in my family is on MN.
I'll try to keep it brief but I want to include all the relevant details so as not to drip feed or have to answer the same question multiple times.
TLDR; should we pay school fees for our niece even though it'll upset my whole family?
I'm autistic and really struggled with my mainstream school so when I was 6 my parents applied for, and got me a place, at private school. I received a large bursary as it was not something they could have afforded otherwise. I will always be grateful to them for that decision as it was that which led me to be able to cope in school, go to university, get a well paying job and be able to support them financially now.
I have one brother who is, quite frankly, a shit. Our parents tried to get a place for him at a couple of private schools but he was turned down by both. He holds this against me and I think my parents guilt about how our schooling differed is why they forgive him for every stunt he's pulled and all his shitty behaviour. He has one child with his ex-girlfriend and does absolutely everything he can to avoid giving her any money to raise their daughter. He makes most of his money dealing drugs and does cash in hand work too. He posts all over Facebook about how his daughter is his world, has her name tattooed on his arm, generally makes a big show about being a dad but in reality does as little parenting as possible.
My husband and I take the attitude that they're still family even if my brother and his ex are no longer together and our niece didn't choose to be fathered by a dead beat dad so have financially supported her and her mum since she was born. None of my family know this because I know it would get back to my brother and he would demand that we give him the money. I'm including this not to make us look good but just to explain how we've got to where we are now.
Our niece has been attending pre-school at my old private school (paid by us, very reasonable rates) because it has a good reputation and has meant that her mum has been able to do some steady work. The school have now suggested that her mum apply for a place at the main school for reception onwards. Her mum has seen the difference private schooling made to my life and wants the same for her daughter so has approached us and asked if we'd be willing to pay those fees. She knows it's a large outlay so there's no obligation but it's something we'd like to do. My husband and I live in his home country where state schooling is really good so have no need to send our children private and are both in well paid careers so can afford the fees without problem. Niece's mum is unable to have any more children so we won't have the issue of 'you pay her fees, why not my other child?'. I also suspect that our niece is on the autistic spectrum so want her in a small friendly environment like I was.
My issue really is about the fact that when it comes out to my family that our niece is at my old private school they're going to wonder who's paying for it and probably come to the conclusion that it's us. This will cause a lot of upset and resentment and possibly ruin relationships. My parents often make noise about things they think we should pay for but I'm unwilling to do so (Eg a bigger house when they have a decent sized one that'll suit them into old age) and I'm sure they'll be angry we pay these fees but don't want to buy them everything they want. I'm also concerned that other relations such as cousins will pop up wanting us to pay for their children. We could lie but I'm a terrible liar and it'll almost certainly come out later which would then cause further upset.
So do I want to set a child up in a school I trust and that will look after her but potentially upset my whole family or do we say no and put my immediate family's feelings first?