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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Son in missing, don’t know what to do

146 replies

RoversMakeover · 14/07/2022 08:45

Long back story but my son (21) has gone missing. He’s recently come out of prison and was staying in an approved premises (think bail hostel). They allowed him to have a trip to his home town yesterday on the understanding that he’d be back at the premises by 9pm. I was with him until 4pm - he seemed fine and told me he had his train back all planned etc. He then went to meet a friend - nobody has heard from either of them since. He never went back to the hostel last night, his phone has been switched off since 7pm and his mates phone has also been off since then.

He has history of self harm and suicide attempts. Hospitals have been searched, police have confirmed he is not in their custody … so what?

IMO only options are:

they have gone on the run together
he got drunk and is passed out somewhere
he got injured/worse and is lying somewhere.

not really an AIBU but I don’t know what to do. I guess the police will come and search my house … just needed to offload really, got nobody to talk to and I’m worried sick

OP posts:
Magpiesalute · 14/07/2022 08:48

I don’t have any practical advice really, but I wanted to say I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I hope he’s found very soon.

Velvetbee · 14/07/2022 08:48

I have nothing useful to suggest but I’m sending a hug. He’ll grow up eventually but give you many grey hairs in the meantime.

007DoubleOSeven · 14/07/2022 08:48

I'm so sorry, op. I'm not sure what else to suggest as it sounds like you've covered all main bases. Offering a hand hold though and I hope you hear from him soon.

It's a tough time adjusting to life again outside prison and it sounds like he's still living under certain conditions, I hope he turns up quickly and that he's able to get a bit more support Flowers

Frazzledmummy123 · 14/07/2022 08:50

Are the police doing anything, or do you have to wait until he is missing for a certain time before they act?

I am sure he has probably got drunk and is sleeping it off somewhere. I really hope all is well and he turns up soon 💐❤

nonevernotever · 14/07/2022 08:51

I've got no real advice I'm afraid, but don't want you to feel noone is listening. Given that he was with a friend and friend's phone is also switched off I'd be inclined to go with option 2 for the moment -they got pissed and are sleeping it off. Miserable for you though worrying and waiting. We're thinking of you, and hope he turns up soon.(and is apologetic for worrying you.)

girlmom21 · 14/07/2022 08:52

I'd say it's probably one of your first two options. The chances of them both being injured, uncontactable and having not yet been found are very slim, although I know the other options aren't particularly nice either.

I hope you get some positive news soon Flowers

Bouledeneige · 14/07/2022 08:54

Sorry to hear this OP. It must be so worrying for you. I can't imagine. The most likely explanation is that him and his friend got drunk or high together or got up to some sort of mischief. Given that both their phones are off that suggests they were in it together and therefore very unlikely that he has self harmed in any way. It's also very unlikely they are both in a ditch somewhere or otherwise seriously unwell.

Original poster
RoversMakeover · 14/07/2022 08:55

Thanks everyone. I’m annoyed, worried, frustrated … he spent two years in there counting down the minutes to release and the first day he’s back in his home city he goes missing. I’m not sure what the police are doing, i was meant to be getting a phone call at 8:30 - still waiting

OP posts:
notanothertakeaway · 14/07/2022 08:55

Agree with PP, the fact he's with a friend would give me some hope that they went on a drunken bender, rather than lying injured somewhere. But what a worry for you. I hope he is found soon

Original poster
RoversMakeover · 14/07/2022 08:58

Thinking sensibly I know you’re right, chances of them both being injured or worse is slim. They both have alcohol issues so I reckon this is most likely scenario but it’s almost 9am and still no word … he has got hammered before but still manages to plug his phone in to charge either first thing or before he passes out. The messages I’ve sent him have not even gone through. His mates have gone through but no answer?

OP posts:
Mistlewoeandwhine · 14/07/2022 08:59

Sending you a hug. He will turn up at some point.

girlmom21 · 14/07/2022 08:59

RoversMakeover · 14/07/2022 08:58

Thinking sensibly I know you’re right, chances of them both being injured or worse is slim. They both have alcohol issues so I reckon this is most likely scenario but it’s almost 9am and still no word … he has got hammered before but still manages to plug his phone in to charge either first thing or before he passes out. The messages I’ve sent him have not even gone through. His mates have gone through but no answer?

He's probably not going to turn his phone back on for a while because he knows he's messed up if he's missed his curfew

Original poster
RoversMakeover · 14/07/2022 08:59

See another thing I’m worried about is … was it a set up? Has this mate done him in? I went to message another of his mates this morning and saw that he’s suddenly no longer available on messenger - so he’s deleted his Facebook account over night?

OP posts:
Booked · 14/07/2022 09:02

He'll turn up. Drunk and in breach of his licence conditions.

Where would he plug in his phone? Might not even have a charger. And definitely won't want to face what's coming now he's messed up. He'll be thinking he might as well just carry on until he is picked up.

Hope he turns up soon

notanothertakeaway · 14/07/2022 09:04

He didn't return to the bail hostel on time, so he may now be thinking "May as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb" and not in a hurry to go back and face the music

Kerrrmieee · 14/07/2022 09:06

Oh shit, what a worry for you. Other than heading out and getting blotto have you any reason to suspect his mate might have 'done him in'?

Did you hear back from the police?

To the poster who said he'll grow up eventually - I don't agree, some issues you are born with, some scar you for life. It's not just a case of 'growing up'

Let us know OP, worried for you.

TheFridayRabbit · 14/07/2022 09:09

He may not have deleted his Facebook, he may just have blocked you.

I’m sorry for what you’re going through. My son (much younger) went missing last week and although I’ve got him back now 🙏 it was a hellish time. Wishing you every dollop of luck and practical help.

NOTANUM · 14/07/2022 09:09

RoversMakeover · 14/07/2022 08:59

See another thing I’m worried about is … was it a set up? Has this mate done him in? I went to message another of his mates this morning and saw that he’s suddenly no longer available on messenger - so he’s deleted his Facebook account over night?

What do you mean by set-up? Do you mean that they don’t exist and he’s been lured into meeting people who are fake?
It’s going to be a tough ride coming out of prison so I hope he is getting some support to get his life on track again.

Dotjones · 14/07/2022 09:13

notanothertakeaway · 14/07/2022 09:04

He didn't return to the bail hostel on time, so he may now be thinking "May as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb" and not in a hurry to go back and face the music

Exactly the phrase I was going to use. He's gone out for the first time in a long time, he's lost his tolerance to alcohol whilst inside and has drunk too much. He'll be waking up with a thumping hangover about know bricking himself about going back and explaining himself.

Gazelda · 14/07/2022 09:14

It's probable he's got drunk OP.
You must be worried sick. And so frustrated.
Do you have anyone with you?

Original poster
RoversMakeover · 14/07/2022 09:26

I’m at home on my own 😞 still awaiting the phone call.

I don’t know what to think, even if he’d got hammered he would be awake by now. I thought I heard someone creeping around the garden late last night so I’ve just checked the “man-cave” - didn’t want police to find him in there and then accuse me of hiding him.

With regards to his mate “doing him in” - I’ve had it in the back of my mind for a while that some of his “mates” were not all they seem - but I’m not a people person and trust no one. He’s part of a “group” that get upto no good so it wouldn’t be out of the realms of possibilities that he has been set up. Could explain why his mates messages are going through but not being answered and another mate has suddenly blocked me.

OP posts:
Snaketime · 14/07/2022 09:31

I'm sure he is just somewhere with his tail between his legs, feeling sorry for himself and not wanting to face the music. Either that or on a bender.

Snaketime · 14/07/2022 09:32

Should add, still not nice or fair for you OP, I hope he turns up soon.

Panda8383 · 14/07/2022 09:34

Sending hugs, hope your son contacts you soon x

XelaM · 14/07/2022 09:36

Oh OP I hope you hear good news soon 🤞🏻🤞🏻🤞🏻