Son in missing, don’t know what to do

[RoversMakeover]

Long back story but my son (21) has gone missing. He’s recently come out of prison and was staying in an approved premises (think bail hostel). They allowed him to have a trip to his home town yesterday on the understanding that he’d be back at the premises by 9pm. I was with him until 4pm - he seemed fine and told me he had his train back all planned etc. He then went to meet a friend - nobody has heard from either of them since. He never went back to the hostel last night, his phone has been switched off since 7pm and his mates phone has also been off since then.

He has history of self harm and suicide attempts. Hospitals have been searched, police have confirmed he is not in their custody … so what?

IMO only options are:

they have gone on the run together
he got drunk and is passed out somewhere
he got injured/worse and is lying somewhere.

not really an AIBU but I don’t know what to do. I guess the police will come and search my house … just needed to offload really, got nobody to talk to and I’m worried sick

Sorry this has happened to him. Maybe you should take some time-stamped photos as evidence, or even go to a doctor/minor injuries to get someone who will be able to back up what happened.

It wasn’t beyond his control to go out drinking rather than heading back.

has he seen a doctor taken pictures of hs injuries-he needs proof of being assaulted

Did he owe them money or something and this was how they made him pay his ‘debt’ back? You can guarantee he knows who did it unfortunately.

I’m glad he’s back and safe. I hope his injuries aren’t too bad.
It would make sense that someone stole their phones if they’re both off.

Is this normal behaviour for him to go off drinking?
Or do you think he was celebrating his release and went a bit silly?

I can't see how this is relevant?

OP, I hope you are able to relax now. It must be a worry about what happens Monday but there's nothing you can do. He's safe now. One step at a time.

Normal? He has been in prison for two years.

Normal? He has been in prison for two years.

Yes but he could have had a problem with drink before he went in and could have been a reason for why he went to prison.

Which is why I wonder if he’s gone straight back to his old ways or if he was just letting off steam and got carried away.

You need to get through to him now, whilst this is fresh in his mind and his bruises... his old 'mates' are NOT good for him, they're not 'mates' and they will absolutely assist in his downfall again and again and again.

Part of successful rehab out of prison is learning how to pick your friends and staying away from the old ones, which is bloody difficult.. and why so many fail and reoffend.

Yes I agree and that is why prison is a colossal failure.

The last thing a criminal needs is to be locked up with other criminals. What good will that do?

They need to learn to live responsibly and that takes time and practice, and steady support.

Its the same reason that it’s so difficult for heavy drinkers to cut back when they are surrounded by other heavy drinkers. Changing habits involves changing friendships.

The good that it does is stopping anyone else outside being victims of them during the time that they are in prison.

Lookingvat the reoffending rate of ex-prisoners is a bit of a red herring too. Of course people who are willing to risk prison are willing to do it again. What also matters is how many other people choose never to commit serious crimes in the first place because of their fear of the consequences.

Please he's back and sorry he has been beaten and robbed. I thought about you and your DS several times today and kept my fingers crossed. Mum of 2 young adult DS and I know it can be hard.

The judgement you make that it was in his control to drink is naive & short sighted.

Addiction cycles are incredibly difficult to break, for those who are saying 'he'll grow up' & it's a case of time - it isn't a case of growing up, the issues that coincide with crime & addiction (that OP has alluded to) are complex, often the result of undiagnosed medical issues, or unrecognised mental health issues & a host of other things.

It doesn't mean that people who commit crime can't move forward in a positive way, only that specialist support is needed to help people - which is often lacking.

He’s been in prison for two years, he’s not addicted to alcohol, he’s just someone who has learned nothing from his time in prison and continues to make bad choices.

Does anyone actually think that he was just randomly beaten up and robbed? That’s clearly not what happened.

I’m pleased for the OP that he’s been found and is relatively OK, and hope that he now goes back to a closed prison and serves out the entirety of his original sentence.

I think that if you are interested in learning rather than judging based on your minimal knowledge, you will find that is not the case.

Prisons don’t work for those inside or out. They are enormously expensive holding pens. And virtually every prisoner is soon released.

More judgement based on very little knowledge. And spectacularly insensitive. The OP is posting for support.

People make choices based on those available to them. We don’t know what choices the OP’s son has had in his life but I will wager that they are narrower than mine have been.

The prison population is disproportionately Black, and 90 percent of inmates have learning disabilities. One in-depth study found that all prisoners on death row had previously undiagnosed head injuries.

We also know that rehabilitation works where punishment does not.

They work well. The people inside are not preying on anyone else while they were in there.

I’d help you to understand the statistics, but your posts suggest it’d be a waste of both of our time, so I’ll leave you to it.

Sorry,, I agree with PP. and actually, so do you.

Your definition of "holding pen" is the same.

If he’s absconded from approved premises then his licence will have been revoked and the police will be looking for him. I hope you have news soon.

Why not read the fucking thread @GuidoTheKillerPimp?

He might not necessarily be recalled they could have out of hours recalled him already if they wanted. Waiting for probation officer suggests there might be some lee way. Nothing to do but sit tight and wait. I know people not recalled for new charges (albeit minor offences). Prisons are full & recall is a lot of paperwork.

Glad he’s been found OP even though he wasn’t in a good way. I can imagine how hard it must be and how you don’t want him going back to the lifestyle he had before he went in but sadly there’s little you can do other than try and guide him, he’s an adult and what ever choices he makes are down to him.

I have a relative that’s recently come out of prison and he’s doing great, hasn’t gone back to the lifestyle he was living before, he is keeping out of trouble and prison was actually good for him. So I don’t agree with some of the posts from people saying ‘Prison does nothing’.

I hope your ds is ok.

As a mother, this sounds utterly heartbreaking to see your child suffer so much. I hope he manages to find the help he needs to come through the other side.

Read the fucking thread now. Sorry to have upset you.