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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Son in missing, don’t know what to do

146 replies

RoversMakeover · 14/07/2022 08:45

Long back story but my son (21) has gone missing. He’s recently come out of prison and was staying in an approved premises (think bail hostel). They allowed him to have a trip to his home town yesterday on the understanding that he’d be back at the premises by 9pm. I was with him until 4pm - he seemed fine and told me he had his train back all planned etc. He then went to meet a friend - nobody has heard from either of them since. He never went back to the hostel last night, his phone has been switched off since 7pm and his mates phone has also been off since then.

He has history of self harm and suicide attempts. Hospitals have been searched, police have confirmed he is not in their custody … so what?

IMO only options are:

they have gone on the run together
he got drunk and is passed out somewhere
he got injured/worse and is lying somewhere.

not really an AIBU but I don’t know what to do. I guess the police will come and search my house … just needed to offload really, got nobody to talk to and I’m worried sick

OP posts:
Elleherd · 14/07/2022 09:37

Sorry you're going through this.
The most likely thing is he and his friend have gone on a bender and he knows he's in trouble and isn't behaving intelligently.

I understand how you can end up thinking all sorts, but it's rather more likely the third friend has been chatting, and deleted himself once he realized police will soon be involved/ or is making himself un-contactable for self preservation because your son's out and on a bender and trying to involve him/involving him.

PuckeredArseFace · 14/07/2022 09:38

Sending you a hug, you must bloody need one

dottiedodah · 14/07/2022 09:41

Hi there what a worry for you .Hopefully he will turn up safely .If he has been in prison probably feels he wants to taste some freedom! It seems like forever ,but has been less than 24 hours . I think its doubtful his friend has "done him in" your mind plays tricks when you are worried .I am sure he will surface soon .Keeping everything crossed here for you .

saraclara · 14/07/2022 09:42

The most likely explanation is that they got drunk. But the wait must be agonising.
It's a bit concerning that you heard sometime creeping round in your garden last night though. Does that happen often?

Ambertonix · 14/07/2022 09:42

Hope he turns up soon OP. Most likely, as people have said he has got very drunk somewhere with mates and now woken up to the reality he is in a lot of trouble and so delaying getting in touch. Such a worry for you though. I hope you hear something soon.

greenacrylicpaint · 14/07/2022 09:43

just a handhold.
it's such a worrying time for you.
keeping my fingers crossed that he returns safe and well soon!

Elleherd · 14/07/2022 09:46

I posted before seeing your last message.

With regards to his mate “doing him in” - I’ve had it in the back of my mind for a while that some of his “mates” were not all they seem - but I’m not a people person and trust no one. He’s part of a “group” that get upto no good so it wouldn’t be out of the realms of possibilities that he has been set up. Could explain why his mates messages are going through but not being answered and another mate has suddenly blocked me.

But surely quite likely that they're all not dealing with their 'missing from bail hostel' mates mum wanting to know where he is? Especially if getting up to no good is a way of life.

Obviously no one knows, but try not to unduly torment yourself. I've gone through so much and it's easy to tear yourself apart. Flowers

queenrollo · 14/07/2022 09:59

Are these friends anything to do with the reason he was in prison?

It's also worth making sure the police have the name of the friend who has now disappeared from FB (if you haven't already told them) as I would think that person is a good starting point for them.

I'm sure he's OK, as others have suggested he's probably got drunk and due to alcohol tolerance levels being lowered it mugh thave hit him harder than he thought it would. He's probably panicking about not getting back to the approved premises.
Do you know if he is under any recall conditions?

MercurialMonday · 14/07/2022 10:06

But surely quite likely that they're all not dealing with their 'missing from bail hostel' mates mum wanting to know where he is? Especially if getting up to no good is a way of life.

Not wanting to get involved in situation is probably the reason they are all out of touch.

However when the police do get in touch I would be mentioning the friends here - who he was with who's suddenly out of touch as PP says it would be a good starting point for them.

I suspect he fucked up getting drunk and is now worried about having fucked up - hopefully he'll turn up soon or at least get in touch with you.

Maytodecember · 14/07/2022 10:06

At the home of mate he disappeared with or friend who’s deleted FB? Phones turned off so they can’t be pinged by police. Probably a drinking binge and 9 am to him is probably like 6 am to you.
Feel sorry for you, he’s irresponsible, immature and can’t see his actions cause all this stress for you. Hope he turns up soon and he grows up eventually.

Bouledeneige · 14/07/2022 10:22

I hope you get news soon OP - its horrible for you. I think you're being optimistic though. My DD 22 has just finished uni, she had a moderately boozy night and she won't be up before 1pm.

Bouledeneige · 14/07/2022 10:24

I remember a talk when my DS joined 6th form college and them saying that the brain isn't fully formed till we are 25 and one of the last functions of the brain to develop is the one that understands consequences....

yzed · 14/07/2022 10:25

I absolutely understand why you're more than a little worried. You've been through an absolute nightmare, each stage of which probably felt worse than the last. And you obviously have an imagination, so can think up lots of things, most of which won't happen.

The most likely thing is that he's shared a few beers/spliffs/shots with his friend/s. And we could probably make a calculation:
2 drinks > having fun and enjoying his freedom
4 drinks > realises he's too inebriated to get back to the hostel in time. Panic!
6 drinks > they come up with the most ridiculous plan anyone could imagine. With this lovely weather they're probably sleeping in the park or a nearby field. (Nowhere to charge a phone.)
The question now is, how many days before they realise that the best solution is for him to return to the hostel?

I hope it doesn't take too long, and you manage to stay calm while you're waiting.
Oh,, and it's quite possible that they won't let him phone you to let you know. So I see no reason for you to hold back on phoning them to ask as it's nearly two hours late now.
Good Luck

yzed · 14/07/2022 10:26

TheFridayRabbit So sorry to hear you went through that nightmare, and I hope things are settling now.

easyday · 14/07/2022 10:29

My first thought was he went off with a mate and they've got drunk and are sleeping it off.
This is the most likely scenario.

LunaTheCat · 14/07/2022 10:31

So sorry to hear ..you an love your kids but they make their own heartbreaking choices.
Is there a friend or relative you can phone or that would come and sit with you?
i hope he is found soon 💐

ItsLisaLou · 14/07/2022 10:31

Hope you get some answers soon OP, will be thinking of you x

Rainbowqueeen · 14/07/2022 10:31

Handholding OP. I agree he’s gone on a bender.

Hope you hear something soon

Ducksurprise · 14/07/2022 10:32

Sorry no help but a stranger hand hold and Flowers

Hope you hear soon.

Loics · 14/07/2022 10:35

It's more likely he's okay and just not woken up/turned his phone on yet, but you've done all you can, OP. I hope you hear from him soon.

Isaidnoalready · 14/07/2022 10:39

RoversMakeover · 14/07/2022 08:59

See another thing I’m worried about is … was it a set up? Has this mate done him in? I went to message another of his mates this morning and saw that he’s suddenly no longer available on messenger - so he’s deleted his Facebook account over night?

Unlikely he has probably blocked you so you can't contact him can you look on someone else's profile?

HollowTalk · 14/07/2022 10:43

That sounds really worrying. I hope everything is okay.

TokyoSushi · 14/07/2022 10:56

Oh OP, that sounds really stressful. Agree that he's likely fine, just worried about the consequences. Hope he turns up soon, it sounds like you've been through a lot.

Threebutterflies · 14/07/2022 11:03

@RoversMakeover
any news yet? 🤞🏼

clpsmum · 14/07/2022 11:05

Op I would phone back the police and tell them the information regarding his friends. Tell them you are concerned he has come to harm. Do you have addresses for them? I hope he turns up soon. I am thinking of you and sorry you are going through this xxxxxx