Husband loaning me money and expecting gratitude..

[Lindasllama]

Big row with H (not at DH atm !)

At the end of last month I mentioned I had just had my car cleaned.and noticed a few scratches on it. H said take it to Johns garage and he will sort it out. I said ok I will get a quote and go from there.

'John' is a good friend of DH . Two days later he tells me he has had a word and to take the car to the garage. Where one of the panel beaters would have a look at it and tell me how much.

I arrived at the garage meeting DH there and the panel beater had a look at the door and said £200.. I said there is also a scratch on the wheel arch .. he quoted £250. I thanked him and said I would be in touch soon as it's not in the budget this month but could possibly be next month depending upon increased bill costs.

DH joins the conversation and says 'what about this one on the boot and a couple on the passenger side . (These scratches are v minor the sort of thing you get around my way when you pull in next to a hedge on a small lane to let a car pass you.. ) really superficial - nothing that's going to cause rust etc .

I say to DH that it's not in my budget to have it all done as I can't afford it and there are many more bills and expenses ahead of polishing my car.

DH says 'don't worry about the money' just get it done. He then asks the panel beater how much for the whole thing ? I interrupt him and say 'it's not doable at the moment I'll do it but by bit when I can afford it. I need to get to work now ' Again DH says 'don't worry about the money just do it'

I jump in the car and drive to work. 5 minutes into he journey DH rings and says 'just text 'John' and say you want the whole lot done I will sort out the money. I say thank you. Text and book it in.

Yesterday I went to pick it up. The price was £350. DH gives me the cash and asks when am I going to get this back ? You need to tell me the repayment plan. I am furious as I didn't want it done now as I can't afford it. !! I am so hacked off with him. He is fuming with me because I am ungrateful..' I did a nice thing for you - I know how much you love your car - you are so rude and ungrateful !

I tell him I have nothing to be grateful for. If he had paid as an act of generosity then absolutely ! Extremely grateful. But in my eyes he has simply moved a debt from the garage on to me for something I didn't want to do now. I couldn't afford the work when it was £250 let alone £350 I only agreed to do it because he was so insistent. !!

Some important information. We have not only separate finances but also live in separate houses. We are 12 years married and in separate homes for the last few years. It may sound strange but works for us. We stay with each other 3-4 nights a week.

DH has always been very secretive with money . I also now think he was just showing off in front of his mates . Looking to be the benevolent husband paying for his wife's car..

AIBU to be really angry to have a debt I had already said I couldn't afford foisted up me

Or am I an ungrateful cow who now has a lovely shiny car but may not be able to pay all my bills next month .- which is my fault for not nailing him down at the time and getting 'don't worry about the money' clarified from the start. ?

I'd pay him your original quote of £200, and say you'll pay the rest later. Then don't

You're meant to be married and a team, so sorry, but your post almost comes across as a joke. You shouldn't have to worry how owing one another money and repayments.

All our money goes in one pot (no matter who earns what). Something like car scratches, if we both agreed to get them sorted, would just come out of joint funds.

If you are married then he can’t loan you money as your finances are shared. If it’s his idea then he should be happy to help sustain what’s to most a shared financial matter

On his next stay at yours, tell him that you'll pay him back but no money will be involved.
Your prices are more than the scratch prices so he can have 3 bjs and one ps.

I’d scratch his car then divorce him.

Why is this messed up? In some ways, it's the ideal situation (unless he acts like a dick and says he's paying for a car repair when it's actually a loan). There are a gazillion threads on here about couples who find that their shared money is being blown on drink/drugs/gambling etc by one party. And even more threads about the annoying nature of living with a spouse. Separate houses and separate finances sounds pretty good to me. It also protects the interests of both sets of children from the first marriages (which is crucially important).

I don't understand how people can have marriages like this. We have a joint account and just spend sensibly

In that case I'd just kill him.

We are 12 years married and in separate homes for the last few years. It may sound strange but works for us.

It doesn't sound like it. His money, your money? Paying him back?

So he wants gratitude and the money back. I would pay him on the 12th of fucking never.

Crikey! Your husband sounds very immature showing off in front of his friend, not listening to a word you saying to him or caring, I’ve not known a situation like yours before but I know I wouldn’t be giving him a penny! But saying that I couldn’t live like you, all our money is pooled together, my husband doesn’t have secrets about money! But if it works for you that’s good,

I always thought Frida Kahlo's and Diego Rivera's domestic arrangements sounded pretty good: married, no children, two houses next door to each other (one each). And married couples with completely separate financial arragements has become a much more mainstream concept, too - look at RIshi Sunak.

But I think marital status is (mostly) a red herring here. The principle would be the same if you'd had this mix-up with, say, a parent or a rich sibling or a well-off good platonic friend and that person then asked for repayment of an apparent gift and became angry when you balked. He's definitely in large part in the wrong, if not completely, based on what you've written. But I'd hash out what happened with him before making any big decisions. In your place, it would make a difference to me if he was intentionally screwing me over or "just" being hideously careless (not listening to what you were saying about your budget, assuming you knew what he was thinking rather than what he said, making bad assumptions on the basis of some other arrangement or conversation, etc.)

You have separate finances and live in separate houses no wonder finances are tight, if you are arguing over £350 is it worth staying married.

As @ProfessorFusspot says

But I think marital status is (mostly) a red herring here. The principle would be the same if you'd had this mix-up with, say, a parent or a rich sibling or a well-off good platonic friend and that person then asked for repayment of an apparent gift and became angry when you balked. He's definitely in large part in the wrong, if not completely, based on what you've written

Nothing wrong with separate houses if it works for you. Entirely different issue to the 'loan' one. A good friend of mine bought the adjoining semi, and her DH lives in one half, with an interlinking door. Works for them. I used to have an air raid shelter in my garden. When I got divorced I said the next man could live in there, and come out for shelves, other DIY and occasional rumpy pumpy. Only part of me was actually joking

I can’t find the comment now. But I really like the idea of going back to John and telling him he needs to refund your dh and come up with a payment plan as he can’t afford the payment.

Everything sounds strange about this. Your living arrangements as husband and wife are unusual. I also think that really if you're married you share everything, loans are usually for people who are not your spouse. I'd be looking at the bigger picture here and thinking do I really feel that this is someone I trust in the long term and who really has my best interests at heart?

Same. What a tosser. It was absolutely crystal clear that he wanted John to think he would cover it for you, and that's the basis on which you accepted it. Don't pay him a penny and let this be a lesson to him that if he wants people to think he's generous, he should actually be generous.

I have zero issue with separate finances or even separate homes, but this entire situation just seems incredibly unbalanced.

The DH owns a property and has a whole heap of secret savings, but his wife is in a rented home, supporting multiple DC and struggling to pay for basics like car repairs?

It's just so messed up to me. What's the point in being married if you're going to leave your partner to struggle while you live the life of Riley?

Just because we don't live which each other doesn't mean we don't speak. We call each other 4 or 5 times a day. We talk a lot more now than when we lived together.

People don't like our marriage for themselves but it absolutely suits us. The kids all have a MUCH better relationship with their SD now he comes over a couple of times a week.. and they love having the house to themselves when I am at his.

Besides the secret with money thing - he is lovely. He just couldn't cope with teenagers . His or mine. He is also awaiting an ASD assessment at 60yrs old - it's pretty bloody obvious tbh but would be good to have a label. It would make more sense of his behaviour.

I am agog. My dad has had this trick pulled on him by one of his brothers who is notorious for trying to rinse people, but doing it to your own wife is shocking.

Just be firm, don't get heated about it, just lay down the facts: I repeated several times I couldn't afford to pay for it myself. You said you'd "sort it out", that implies you were paying for it. If you wanted paying back you should have told me BEFORE getting the work done - and if you had said that I wouldn't have got it done. End of. What do you want for tea?

As I was reading the first post I was thinking “I bet she’s not his first wife, he’s very bitter about women and money”.

You’ve settled, OP.

I can't imagine my husband "loaning" me money.

'Don't worry about the money' = 'im paying for it'.

'Don't worry about the money, you can pay me back later/in installments that suit you' = ill pay for it now, you can pay me back later.

So if you want to stick up for yourself and make waves I would not pay him back and if he gets shitty I would point out again you wouldn't have booked the car in, nor agreed to a 350 quid bill had he not said 'dont worry about the money'.

If you want to make fewer waves I'd tell him a 50 quid a month repayment plan.

FWIW i think your living situation is bloody brilliant and more people would get on much better and have much more healthy, functional relationships if they weren't in one anothers pockets and pissing each other off the whole time!

If your home provides enough space for one of you to be in the estates park and the other in the west wing, and you have to phone each other to find out if they're actually on the property, fair enough.. but those of us who can only afford small urban houses don't have such luxury!

*WeAreBob
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*The guy moved out because he didnt like living with his family. He wanted all his things the way he liked them. He was also secretive with money and the OP said it didnt matter as she earned enough for her and the kids so doesn't sound like he contributed to family expenses.

And now they still live apart and see each other a few nights a week. That's dating. Dating a man who walked out on family life. What a life.*

Wow ! So much assumption.

1. He didn't move out. I did.
2. Didn't contribute to household expenses ? Didn't realise you had seen out household accounts . You couldn't be more wrong. We both put an equal amount into the household account which included mortgage, utilities, food, school expenses for trips uniform etc.

He paid his maintenance payment from his salary and I paid for my kids expenses from my ex DH maintenance.

We speak many times a day everyday. I know what is going on in his life and he in mine. We don't have set days to see each other sometimes he comes and stays 3/4 days in the trot. Sometimes I stay at his for days. We are rural and only 2 miles apart so can walk, cycle to each other's or drive in under 10mins. We both have keys to each other's property.

May not suit everyone but please don't trash my marriage. Until this argument we have been happier than we have ever been. We all have a better relationship with each other including the kids.