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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband loaning me money and expecting gratitude..

290 replies

Lindasllama · 13/07/2022 16:16

Big row with H (not at DH atm !)

At the end of last month I mentioned I had just had my car cleaned.and noticed a few scratches on it. H said take it to Johns garage and he will sort it out. I said ok I will get a quote and go from there.

'John' is a good friend of DH . Two days later he tells me he has had a word and to take the car to the garage. Where one of the panel beaters would have a look at it and tell me how much.

I arrived at the garage meeting DH there and the panel beater had a look at the door and said £200.. I said there is also a scratch on the wheel arch .. he quoted £250. I thanked him and said I would be in touch soon as it's not in the budget this month but could possibly be next month depending upon increased bill costs.

DH joins the conversation and says 'what about this one on the boot and a couple on the passenger side . (These scratches are v minor the sort of thing you get around my way when you pull in next to a hedge on a small lane to let a car pass you.. ) really superficial - nothing that's going to cause rust etc .

I say to DH that it's not in my budget to have it all done as I can't afford it and there are many more bills and expenses ahead of polishing my car.

DH says 'don't worry about the money' just get it done. He then asks the panel beater how much for the whole thing ? I interrupt him and say 'it's not doable at the moment I'll do it but by bit when I can afford it. I need to get to work now ' Again DH says 'don't worry about the money just do it'

I jump in the car and drive to work. 5 minutes into he journey DH rings and says 'just text 'John' and say you want the whole lot done I will sort out the money. I say thank you. Text and book it in.

Yesterday I went to pick it up. The price was £350. DH gives me the cash and asks when am I going to get this back ? You need to tell me the repayment plan. I am furious as I didn't want it done now as I can't afford it. !! I am so hacked off with him. He is fuming with me because I am ungrateful..' I did a nice thing for you - I know how much you love your car - you are so rude and ungrateful !

I tell him I have nothing to be grateful for. If he had paid as an act of generosity then absolutely ! Extremely grateful. But in my eyes he has simply moved a debt from the garage on to me for something I didn't want to do now. I couldn't afford the work when it was £250 let alone £350 I only agreed to do it because he was so insistent. !!

Some important information. We have not only separate finances but also live in separate houses. We are 12 years married and in separate homes for the last few years. It may sound strange but works for us. We stay with each other 3-4 nights a week.

DH has always been very secretive with money . I also now think he was just showing off in front of his mates . Looking to be the benevolent husband paying for his wife's car..

AIBU to be really angry to have a debt I had already said I couldn't afford foisted up me

Or am I an ungrateful cow who now has a lovely shiny car but may not be able to pay all my bills next month .- which is my fault for not nailing him down at the time and getting 'don't worry about the money' clarified from the start. ?

OP posts:
vaingina · 13/07/2022 16:39

Does it work for you though? Surely everything in your post suggests it doesn’t actually ‘work’. Married with different houses, bank accounts and paying back money that was lent. I would be rethinking this marriage if there are no kids, or even if there are kids.
i would reply to his text and say thank you for sorting it. If he insists, pay him £5 a month

Colourmeclear · 13/07/2022 16:42

I'm struggling to comment because your set up is so unlike my relationship. There is no mine and his, it's ours. My partner is my safety net emotionally, physically and financially and I his. The car is our car (I don't drive).

What about your current set up is working for you? You don't have to answer but I'm really curious.

CourtneeLuv · 13/07/2022 16:43

Lindasllama · 13/07/2022 16:16

Big row with H (not at DH atm !)

At the end of last month I mentioned I had just had my car cleaned.and noticed a few scratches on it. H said take it to Johns garage and he will sort it out. I said ok I will get a quote and go from there.

'John' is a good friend of DH . Two days later he tells me he has had a word and to take the car to the garage. Where one of the panel beaters would have a look at it and tell me how much.

I arrived at the garage meeting DH there and the panel beater had a look at the door and said £200.. I said there is also a scratch on the wheel arch .. he quoted £250. I thanked him and said I would be in touch soon as it's not in the budget this month but could possibly be next month depending upon increased bill costs.

DH joins the conversation and says 'what about this one on the boot and a couple on the passenger side . (These scratches are v minor the sort of thing you get around my way when you pull in next to a hedge on a small lane to let a car pass you.. ) really superficial - nothing that's going to cause rust etc .

I say to DH that it's not in my budget to have it all done as I can't afford it and there are many more bills and expenses ahead of polishing my car.

DH says 'don't worry about the money' just get it done. He then asks the panel beater how much for the whole thing ? I interrupt him and say 'it's not doable at the moment I'll do it but by bit when I can afford it. I need to get to work now ' Again DH says 'don't worry about the money just do it'

I jump in the car and drive to work. 5 minutes into he journey DH rings and says 'just text 'John' and say you want the whole lot done I will sort out the money. I say thank you. Text and book it in.

Yesterday I went to pick it up. The price was £350. DH gives me the cash and asks when am I going to get this back ? You need to tell me the repayment plan. I am furious as I didn't want it done now as I can't afford it. !! I am so hacked off with him. He is fuming with me because I am ungrateful..' I did a nice thing for you - I know how much you love your car - you are so rude and ungrateful !

I tell him I have nothing to be grateful for. If he had paid as an act of generosity then absolutely ! Extremely grateful. But in my eyes he has simply moved a debt from the garage on to me for something I didn't want to do now. I couldn't afford the work when it was £250 let alone £350 I only agreed to do it because he was so insistent. !!

Some important information. We have not only separate finances but also live in separate houses. We are 12 years married and in separate homes for the last few years. It may sound strange but works for us. We stay with each other 3-4 nights a week.

DH has always been very secretive with money . I also now think he was just showing off in front of his mates . Looking to be the benevolent husband paying for his wife's car..

AIBU to be really angry to have a debt I had already said I couldn't afford foisted up me

Or am I an ungrateful cow who now has a lovely shiny car but may not be able to pay all my bills next month .- which is my fault for not nailing him down at the time and getting 'don't worry about the money' clarified from the start. ?

I'd give him a pound a month.

InstaHun88 · 13/07/2022 16:43

What exactly about this marriage works for you? He’s being a bully, a cheap one too. You don’t live together, you have separate finances, he’s secretive about money, he shows off in front of his friends and bullies you into doing some thing you said you don’t want doing. I don’t see the benefits here. Don’t pay him back

oobeedoobee · 13/07/2022 16:50

Nope, when he asks when he'll get his money back just say 'What for ?'

When he says 'The money for the garage sorting the scratches on your car'
Simply say 'I told you I couldn't afford to do it, and you then got the price INCREASED further ! But then you said not to worry about the money, so I took you at your word, and assumed you were paying for it as a gift.'

If he says 'I can't afford that' tell him 'That's ok, but you'd better phone the garage and cancel it then, because you're the one who arranged it and set the bloody price higher ffs !'

SherbertLemonDrop · 13/07/2022 16:54

Don't pay back anything he is taking the piss

Hankunamatata · 13/07/2022 16:59

I have friends with similar set up and works for them. I'd pay him what you intended to pay for scratches and not penny more

10HailMarys · 13/07/2022 17:00

Why would he expect you to be grateful? He's given you precisely nothing. In fact, he has literally cost you money you didn't want to spend. You're £100 down on what you'd have spent if he hadn't done this.

Does he have form for being a complete prick, or is this a new development?

I'm not really sure why you're married to be honest. Absolutely fine to live in separate houses, if you take that fact in isolation, but in combination with your entirely separate finances and the fact that your DH is 'secretive' about his money and also apparently projects a completely false image of himself to his friends, the whole thing sounds quite off.

MummaTrinee · 13/07/2022 17:03

He wants a payment plan, tell him he gets nothing. And if he insists say a fiver a week.

No way I'd be paying that. He was being a show off at your expense.

hoping2021 · 13/07/2022 17:03

Do not pay him a penny. It's the only way he'll learn.

gamerchick · 13/07/2022 17:03

Tell him since he practically forced it on you he can bloody wait. Might teach him a lesson going forward and showing off in front of his mates. I wouldn't let it drop, he's out of order.

Original poster
Lindasllama · 13/07/2022 17:06

The marriage works for us because living together with my teenagers and DH was stressful for me.

He would complain about untidy rooms, noise, etc but never to them. Always to me. It caused rows because I couldn't understand why a grown adult can't tell a teenager to turn the music down.. wash up etc. instead he always moaned to me.

I am of course more tolerant to my dc because they're mine. So I decided we would go and live in a place where no one moaned. It's been lovely. In fact very tranquil . DH moved to a small flat in his own where he can have all his things just as he likes without anyone upsetting it's order..

That was three years ago and now only one child at home from Uni a few months a year but we have just got used to it. We both like our own company and it's also lovely to go and stay with each other.

The secretive with money thing was also annoying but as I have a good job and earn enough for me and dc it's never bothered me. Even less so now our homes are separate .

I love him. He is normally very kind. Imaginative , thoughtful and v supportive of my career. He will tell me how proud he is of me (relating to my work) etc

Money he is weird about. His first wife got the lions share of the marital assets (rightly imho) as she had the children the majority of the time) but this seems to have made him very paranoid that I am somehow out to fleece him.! Despite first wife being a sahm and me doing the opposite, working since eldest was 6 months old.. and always financed myself.

2nd marriage for both. All his are grown up as are mine. No joint ones.

Thanks for the replies. I was pretty sure I wasn't being unreasonable... but wanted to check if my understanding of 'don't worry' - meaning 'I'll pay' was correct.

OP posts:
Ohhhhladz · 13/07/2022 17:06

Don't pay him back. He knew you weren't able to cover the costs and wouldn't be any time soon, and that it was not a priority for you relatively speaking. IF he'd paid for the repairs for you, "I know how much you love your car" could have been perfectly normal, loving thing to say. In THIS context, though, it says something more like I know better than you what you need; good for me for tricking you into doing what I think you should want regardless of the harm it does to you.

I'd tell him you understood "don't worry about the money" and "I'll sort it" to mean he was paying for it, in the context that you told him very clearly that you could not and would not pay. Anything else should have included a discussion like "you can pay me back whenever you can, no rush". If he has now changed his mind, you could tell him you'll make a note that he'd like £350 from you, but given that it's an unexpected, unnecessary, and unapproved expense it will be low priority. If he keeps pushing, give him a date five years from now and tell him you review your finances periodically and will let him know when and if the timeline changes. Or tell him you'll pay him £1/month.

(And don't let him bully you in the future - now that you know what hassle giving in to him can cause, just walk away when he's ignoring your boundaries and talking over you after you've made your position clear. )

SnowyLamb · 13/07/2022 17:08

He wanted John to think he'd take care of you because this is how it should be.

How can you be in a marriage where he can afford it apparently easily, but for you it needs budgeting over several months?

HeadNorth · 13/07/2022 17:09

Don't pay him back - he wanted it done, he paid for it. Conversation closed.

Original poster
Lindasllama · 13/07/2022 17:10

S*nowyLamb
*
Different hooseholds, different incomes , different expenses. Separate finances .

OP posts:
Mally100 · 13/07/2022 17:13

Sorry but this is such a weird marriage setup that in the context of that I don't know if this is wrong. You both sound like mates at best lending each other money or a business transaction.

OldEvilOwl · 13/07/2022 17:15

I wouldn't have bothered at all. Surely modern cars don't rust like they used to 20 years ago?

FinallyHere · 13/07/2022 17:18

Well, €#%} that for a game of marbles. If he wants a payment plan, I'd give him a £1 / year.

But I wouldn't be continuing the relationship and would be glad we didn't already live together.

You are happier living apart. Would you be even happier without him in your life ?

Moonshine5 · 13/07/2022 17:20

OP I think there are bigger issues at play with your DH that you should consider as a priority over this debt.

Octomore · 13/07/2022 17:20

I would refuse to pay him. Because what he said was deliberately intended to give you (and his mates) the impression that it was a gift.

He didn't say he'd lend it to you, he said "don't worry about the money", which is totally different. He hasn't got a leg to stand on.

As an aside, why on earth are you married to him?!

Hoppinggreen · 13/07/2022 17:21

It’s your choice to live separate lives, sounds like it works for you
Until it doesn’t

SophieAnn35 · 13/07/2022 17:21

He did suggest that he would take care of the cost of it. I'd say you don't owe anything. If you really feel bad then maybe the £250 but as others have said at a rate you can afford. He knew this too as you said the £250 wasn't within your budget. Sounds a blissful setup, I'd love a break from my partner and he can be a ahole about finances too thanks to his ex leaving him with debt and moans about my kids.

I'd dig my heels in as he basically offered, he won't do it again then

MaximumLeeway · 13/07/2022 17:23

I'm honestly confused how a "DH" could loan their wife any amount.

Marriage means joint assets, that's literally the point of it?!

Lollypop701 · 13/07/2022 17:24

I would tell him he expressed it was a gift so there is no repayment plan. I wouldn’t normally comment as it’s been said but I’m mad on your behalf. You have separate finances and he effectively trying to manage yours!!! Fuck that make him learn his lesson