Husband loaning me money and expecting gratitude..

[Lindasllama]

Big row with H (not at DH atm !)

At the end of last month I mentioned I had just had my car cleaned.and noticed a few scratches on it. H said take it to Johns garage and he will sort it out. I said ok I will get a quote and go from there.

'John' is a good friend of DH . Two days later he tells me he has had a word and to take the car to the garage. Where one of the panel beaters would have a look at it and tell me how much.

I arrived at the garage meeting DH there and the panel beater had a look at the door and said £200.. I said there is also a scratch on the wheel arch .. he quoted £250. I thanked him and said I would be in touch soon as it's not in the budget this month but could possibly be next month depending upon increased bill costs.

DH joins the conversation and says 'what about this one on the boot and a couple on the passenger side . (These scratches are v minor the sort of thing you get around my way when you pull in next to a hedge on a small lane to let a car pass you.. ) really superficial - nothing that's going to cause rust etc .

I say to DH that it's not in my budget to have it all done as I can't afford it and there are many more bills and expenses ahead of polishing my car.

DH says 'don't worry about the money' just get it done. He then asks the panel beater how much for the whole thing ? I interrupt him and say 'it's not doable at the moment I'll do it but by bit when I can afford it. I need to get to work now ' Again DH says 'don't worry about the money just do it'

I jump in the car and drive to work. 5 minutes into he journey DH rings and says 'just text 'John' and say you want the whole lot done I will sort out the money. I say thank you. Text and book it in.

Yesterday I went to pick it up. The price was £350. DH gives me the cash and asks when am I going to get this back ? You need to tell me the repayment plan. I am furious as I didn't want it done now as I can't afford it. !! I am so hacked off with him. He is fuming with me because I am ungrateful..' I did a nice thing for you - I know how much you love your car - you are so rude and ungrateful !

I tell him I have nothing to be grateful for. If he had paid as an act of generosity then absolutely ! Extremely grateful. But in my eyes he has simply moved a debt from the garage on to me for something I didn't want to do now. I couldn't afford the work when it was £250 let alone £350 I only agreed to do it because he was so insistent. !!

Some important information. We have not only separate finances but also live in separate houses. We are 12 years married and in separate homes for the last few years. It may sound strange but works for us. We stay with each other 3-4 nights a week.

DH has always been very secretive with money . I also now think he was just showing off in front of his mates . Looking to be the benevolent husband paying for his wife's car..

AIBU to be really angry to have a debt I had already said I couldn't afford foisted up me

Or am I an ungrateful cow who now has a lovely shiny car but may not be able to pay all my bills next month .- which is my fault for not nailing him down at the time and getting 'don't worry about the money' clarified from the start. ?

Married to a woman he is also financially tied to.

(Secretive about money btw.. not secretive generally)

but this seems to have made him very paranoid that I am somehow out to fleece him.!

This stood out to me.

For all those who think you can't have a marriage without living together.. how about the thousands whose DH works away all week ?

They're apart because their husbands are stationed somewhere, not because he couldn't cope with living at home and didn't want them to know about his money.

Do you truly not see the difference?

As for starfishing in bed, a spare room will do that. I've been in ours all week in this heat. Not an option for everyone, of course, but shouldn't be too hard for a family that can run two homes without even knowing how much money there is.

YANBU.

Offer to pay the original £200 - the bit you wanted done - first, and then pay £25 a month until the rest is paid.

If H moans, tell him, he shouldn't have put you in this position.

And no, you have no reason to be grateful. He's just interfering.

You are deliberately missing the point.

I am divorcing my husband as I do not trust he is upfront and honest and I am legally bound, financially to him.

I want out. Why will he not share this with me?

I don[t give a shit where you live. You do not have DCs together, so of course you do not get a monthly child allowance, for your adult DCs. 🤔And of course, I do.

Just make sure it is not all invested in Bitcoin, that he doesnt have a second mortgage, that he is honest about tax. Things like that. Because you are liable for it all, whether you know about it or not.

Good luck and sorry I struck a nerve.

because your husband, father of your someone else's children, can't cope with living with his family wife and her children.

won't tell you about money (how do you know he's not being mean with it or how much richer you are if you don't know how much he's got?)
Well I have no idea what is in the bank account of the DH I live with. I know what he earns, what he pays towards bills but I don't expect to know what happens to it beyond that. But if he'd brought me flowers twice a week, paid for presents for for his bio and none bio kids at Xmas, generally paid when we went out for dinner etc I could assess he wasn't stingy / was generous with his money. I don't need to know what % of his money he's spending on me. The value of my birthday presents is measured against what he's picked and put thought in to, not how much he could have afforded.

It is NOT abouting wanting or needing his money, it is about not wanting his debts/tax reasons for marriage? Egocentric investments that tank.

Spouses should legally know what they are potentially liable for.

I have my suspicions here. If you do not, good for you. But I do not know why you got married. There was absolutely zero reason to.

Here's a radical idea for getting married ... because we fell in love with each other and still love each other.

Money had absolutely no bearing on the decision. I didn't expect him to support me and the kids before we married. Nor did he expect me to support him and his.

This didn't change on marriage.
We married because we wanted to make a public declaration of our love for each other. 14 years later we both feel the same and if anything it's even stronger . Not living together means making more of an effort to see each other. More things to talk about.

Financially he has more to lose than me. I have a pension /death in service lump sum. Which is willed to my kids. Half the flat left to him for his life and then divided between my kids. My savings divided between my kids, a spousal pension which will go to him.

He has half a flat an occupational pension and I presume savings. He hasn't made a will and never will. Believe me. He will never do it - thinks it's 'bad luck' and will cause him to die. So majority will come to me. With remainder divided amongst his kids.

I know MN loves a drama but he is neither a Machiavellian schemer, financial abuser or philanderer. He was a dick yesterday about the money thing. Has apologised. Many many times since last night and coming over this evening to cook me supper as another apology.

I am sorry if I you are all dissatisfied for my failure to LTB over one row.. but that is the last thing in my mind. We are about 18 months from retirement and are busy planning that exciting stage in our lives. Which will involve long periods of living together again.. (too outing to be specific) we are both excited to do this and are counting the days.

R*emeBumsWombat
*
This is where your argument fails..

He isn't the father of my child. He is their step father. Myself and my ex husband provide for our children. He provided for his own children together with his ex wife.

We married because we wanted to make a public declaration of our love for each other.

It's a financial contract. I wouldn't generally advise doing it without love, but that's what it is.

Sorry, I missed that.

But you're still in a financial contract with someone who wants to keep his money a secret from you and with whom you can't stand living.

Public declarations of love are great, though.

Public declaration of love. Great.
Private non declaration of finances in a financial contract.Not great.

I have not lived with my husband for years. Irrelevant.
I expect support for our DD, of course. You ignored my correction to your feminist slant on my needing xhild allowance money for myself (not our DD) and you supporting yourself.
I do not care if you leave him or not!

I am just giving you a free bit of legal advice. Expensive advice, that I have received.

Your husband can make a will at any time.

Your husband can quite easily become ill and make odd choices.

You should know about his investments/tax/pensions/banks. Not touch them, KNOW about them.

Seeing as your one argument is about money and his odd reaction, you seriously need to think about it.

Glad he is cooking you dinner 👌

Write down every single bit of information you can remember and talk to a solicitor about a forensic accountant.

They pay for themselves if money you can access is being hidden.

Get every bit of information you can about his employer too.
Employee pension information is not hard to come by if you know where to look.

I think it sounds like a terrific , intelligent arrangement that works long term for all of you. Shame more people aren’t more creative with their living arrangements.
so glad it all got resolved, crossed wires and all that.

Mean with money, mean with love.

I've never seen an exception.

Well they've been together 12 years and OP says they are happy together.

His behaviour yesterday was dickish, undoubtedly.

OP has repeatedly agreed with this.

It doesn't mean she needs to leave him.

She's financially secure, emotionally aware and is as happy with their living situation as he is.

People are acting like they know him better than her!

I'm not saying she needs to leave him.

I can't understand why they married, since it's a financial contract and they're both offended/uncomfortable with the idea of sharing money or even just being transparent about it.

People don't generally post on here when things are great and there's one minor annoyance. This couple had an argument about money (dude pretends publicly that he's more generous than he is, demands repayment from his wife after sticking her with a bill she said she couldn't afford) has a weird attitude towards it and yet that's the only thing they've made a legal commitment over. And apparently not even an informed one.

You do you, OP, but people think it's weird and suspicious for a reason. I don't think many people on here, however progressive and open minded they are about relationship setups, would make a financial commitment with a financially secretive man.

@billy1966 thank you, am doing so😘

I can't understand why they married, since it's a financial contract and they're both offended/uncomfortable with the idea of sharing money or even just being transparent about it.

Where have I said that I am offended or uncomfortable about sharing money. ? I was pissed off at him telling me 'don't worry about it' which I (and most responders) took to mean he would pay. That was the question in the post. The fact that everyone went off on one accusing him of. Ring tight is more your problem than mine. As I have said umpteen times before .. he pays his costs for the place we jointly own. I pay mine for where we I live.

What money 'should' he be sharing based on the fact that he earns about the same as me but I pay rent for a separate place where I choose to live. With my Uni age daughter (who is supported by her own dad and me)

So therefore he has more disposable income ?

No not at all mean with money. Secretive . Actually very generous to me and all our kids.

Was a dick yesterday by deciding he was loaning instead of the intimated 'giving' . That was the issue. But MN as ever sees abuse everywhere. I am not abused. I am a very busy, successful professional woman with a decent income who values her independence - who is married to a quirky lovely man who occasionally fucks up. This was much harder to live with under the same roof with teenagers, so separate homes became a workable compromise that has changed into an enjoyable one.

Exactly that. ! Thank you.

You will never get in well on MN . You can read without conjecture. You can also understand that sometimes people have rows even in the happiest of marriages .

Secretive IS mean. How do you even know your husband is generous if you don't know how much money he has or where it goes? You're married, a financial contract, and he won't be transparent? Why would such a generous and wonderful person be secretive? Why would any generous and honest person do what he did, even if he did backtrack after being pulled up on it?

It's weird and suspicious, and I cannot for my life see why you two entered into a financial contract with each other when you're both so secretive and separate about money.

And I haven't mentioned abuse. Though I notice that you seem to think that couldn't possibly happen to busy, successful women who earn money. Make of that what you will.

He has shares in John and his garage 😂

That was a joke OP, you independant woman you, that none of us can possibly understand.

We have made you think though.

Ask him, as you approach retirement, it is more important than ever to have financial transparency, living wills and suchlike.

Eh? Who said you were abused!

Wow. Your set-up is unusual, Lindasllama, but I can't see why people are getting so preachy about it. It works for you and him and the DC, no harm to anyone. DH and I knew a couple who lived like that in the two flats of a converted Victorian house. They shared a garden and spent a lot of time together without getting under each other's feet.

I often thought that would suit DH and me, as he is a massive hoarder. Except I'd have DH living downstairs with me, and all his junk in the flat upstairs! He could visit it whenever he liked, and I wouldn't be tripping over it. Ideal ...

Anyway, I'm glad your DH saw reason and paid the bill himself, as he talked you into having the work done. Hope you enjoy your retirement together. Sounds as if you've got things sorted.