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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband loaning me money and expecting gratitude..

290 replies

Lindasllama · 13/07/2022 16:16

Big row with H (not at DH atm !)

At the end of last month I mentioned I had just had my car cleaned.and noticed a few scratches on it. H said take it to Johns garage and he will sort it out. I said ok I will get a quote and go from there.

'John' is a good friend of DH . Two days later he tells me he has had a word and to take the car to the garage. Where one of the panel beaters would have a look at it and tell me how much.

I arrived at the garage meeting DH there and the panel beater had a look at the door and said £200.. I said there is also a scratch on the wheel arch .. he quoted £250. I thanked him and said I would be in touch soon as it's not in the budget this month but could possibly be next month depending upon increased bill costs.

DH joins the conversation and says 'what about this one on the boot and a couple on the passenger side . (These scratches are v minor the sort of thing you get around my way when you pull in next to a hedge on a small lane to let a car pass you.. ) really superficial - nothing that's going to cause rust etc .

I say to DH that it's not in my budget to have it all done as I can't afford it and there are many more bills and expenses ahead of polishing my car.

DH says 'don't worry about the money' just get it done. He then asks the panel beater how much for the whole thing ? I interrupt him and say 'it's not doable at the moment I'll do it but by bit when I can afford it. I need to get to work now ' Again DH says 'don't worry about the money just do it'

I jump in the car and drive to work. 5 minutes into he journey DH rings and says 'just text 'John' and say you want the whole lot done I will sort out the money. I say thank you. Text and book it in.

Yesterday I went to pick it up. The price was £350. DH gives me the cash and asks when am I going to get this back ? You need to tell me the repayment plan. I am furious as I didn't want it done now as I can't afford it. !! I am so hacked off with him. He is fuming with me because I am ungrateful..' I did a nice thing for you - I know how much you love your car - you are so rude and ungrateful !

I tell him I have nothing to be grateful for. If he had paid as an act of generosity then absolutely ! Extremely grateful. But in my eyes he has simply moved a debt from the garage on to me for something I didn't want to do now. I couldn't afford the work when it was £250 let alone £350 I only agreed to do it because he was so insistent. !!

Some important information. We have not only separate finances but also live in separate houses. We are 12 years married and in separate homes for the last few years. It may sound strange but works for us. We stay with each other 3-4 nights a week.

DH has always been very secretive with money . I also now think he was just showing off in front of his mates . Looking to be the benevolent husband paying for his wife's car..

AIBU to be really angry to have a debt I had already said I couldn't afford foisted up me

Or am I an ungrateful cow who now has a lovely shiny car but may not be able to pay all my bills next month .- which is my fault for not nailing him down at the time and getting 'don't worry about the money' clarified from the start. ?

OP posts:
MaximumLeeway · 13/07/2022 17:26

Read the update. So he moved in, ruined everyone's life with his moaning and penny pinching, so you kicked him out but somehow still have a relationship?

He sounds awful in all honesty!

Pyewhacket · 13/07/2022 17:28

Skelligsfeathers · 13/07/2022 16:23

I can't comment really because your set up is so unlike my idea of a marriage. Why on earth be married if you're going to live such separate lives?
If you were married and sharing a home/finances/etc then he would be being unreasonable but this? No idea!

I agree with this. That's more like an arrangement than a marriage.

I guess all you can do is pay him what you can afford when you can afford it. I can't see what else you can do. He won't be so keen to interfere again.

LoobyDop · 13/07/2022 17:29

Ignore the people who can’t get their heads around your domestic arrangements. But I wouldn’t be happy with this either- saying “don’t worry about the money” is not a normal or reasonable way to say “I will lend you the money”. Offer to pay the original amount you were happy to spend back at £1 a week, and tell him swallowing the cost you didn’t agree to will be a useful lesson in the importance of respecting your decisions about your money for him.

BritWifeInUSA · 13/07/2022 17:35

Up until you mentioned the separate lives and homes I was confused as to why you were talking about your husband loaning money to you, because usually in a marriage things like car expenses are shared expenses
as you will both use the car and even if you have multiple cars if you have children then you each carry the children in the cars do each car as much one person’s responsibility as the next.

However, it then transpires you are married on paper only and he is basically a friend you sleep with a few times a week. So of course he wants his money back.

Hoppinggreen · 13/07/2022 17:37

MaximumLeeway · 13/07/2022 17:26

Read the update. So he moved in, ruined everyone's life with his moaning and penny pinching, so you kicked him out but somehow still have a relationship?

He sounds awful in all honesty!

Fair summary
What do you get out of this “marriage” OP?

Zeus44 · 13/07/2022 17:37

Lindasllama · 13/07/2022 16:16

Big row with H (not at DH atm !)

At the end of last month I mentioned I had just had my car cleaned.and noticed a few scratches on it. H said take it to Johns garage and he will sort it out. I said ok I will get a quote and go from there.

'John' is a good friend of DH . Two days later he tells me he has had a word and to take the car to the garage. Where one of the panel beaters would have a look at it and tell me how much.

I arrived at the garage meeting DH there and the panel beater had a look at the door and said £200.. I said there is also a scratch on the wheel arch .. he quoted £250. I thanked him and said I would be in touch soon as it's not in the budget this month but could possibly be next month depending upon increased bill costs.

DH joins the conversation and says 'what about this one on the boot and a couple on the passenger side . (These scratches are v minor the sort of thing you get around my way when you pull in next to a hedge on a small lane to let a car pass you.. ) really superficial - nothing that's going to cause rust etc .

I say to DH that it's not in my budget to have it all done as I can't afford it and there are many more bills and expenses ahead of polishing my car.

DH says 'don't worry about the money' just get it done. He then asks the panel beater how much for the whole thing ? I interrupt him and say 'it's not doable at the moment I'll do it but by bit when I can afford it. I need to get to work now ' Again DH says 'don't worry about the money just do it'

I jump in the car and drive to work. 5 minutes into he journey DH rings and says 'just text 'John' and say you want the whole lot done I will sort out the money. I say thank you. Text and book it in.

Yesterday I went to pick it up. The price was £350. DH gives me the cash and asks when am I going to get this back ? You need to tell me the repayment plan. I am furious as I didn't want it done now as I can't afford it. !! I am so hacked off with him. He is fuming with me because I am ungrateful..' I did a nice thing for you - I know how much you love your car - you are so rude and ungrateful !

I tell him I have nothing to be grateful for. If he had paid as an act of generosity then absolutely ! Extremely grateful. But in my eyes he has simply moved a debt from the garage on to me for something I didn't want to do now. I couldn't afford the work when it was £250 let alone £350 I only agreed to do it because he was so insistent. !!

Some important information. We have not only separate finances but also live in separate houses. We are 12 years married and in separate homes for the last few years. It may sound strange but works for us. We stay with each other 3-4 nights a week.

DH has always been very secretive with money . I also now think he was just showing off in front of his mates . Looking to be the benevolent husband paying for his wife's car..

AIBU to be really angry to have a debt I had already said I couldn't afford foisted up me

Or am I an ungrateful cow who now has a lovely shiny car but may not be able to pay all my bills next month .- which is my fault for not nailing him down at the time and getting 'don't worry about the money' clarified from the start. ?

What a bloody mess!

GabriellaMontez · 13/07/2022 17:39

I wouldn't pay him any of it. Tight bastard wanted to look good in front of his friends then shaft you in private. He's cheap.

MsVestibule · 13/07/2022 17:41

Have you had the 'so, you wanted to look like Billy Big Bollocks in front of your friends, implying that you were going to pay for little wifey's repairs yourself, but behind closed doors, you're demanding the money back ASAP?'. conversation with him?

He deliberately tricked you to make himself look good in front of his mates. Honestly, I'd be absolutely furious. You're not in a particularly good financial situation if you can't afford a bill like this - that is not a judgement in any way, just an observation that any decent husband would help their wife out (or vice versa) in a situation like this, without expecting anything back.

viques · 13/07/2022 17:41

I would take it back to the garage and ask your DH good friend John to put the scratches back because you can’t afford them and thought your dear husband was paying…………….

madasawethen · 13/07/2022 17:42

Yes, he knows he is cheap but wanted to look like the bigshot in front of his friend.

Is he always this cheap? As in does he take you out to dinner, pay for holiday, treat you to something nice for your birthday?

BringMeTea · 13/07/2022 17:43

YANBU. He needs to apologize. And he would get what I was going to pay, as and when I have it. That might be a loooong time. Agree he was trying to look like the kind generous provider to his pals.

Superbabe64 · 13/07/2022 17:44

DH and I have been married 37 years and have yet to 'borrow' money of each other. What is this concept even? We have one money pot for everything and then an account each for our respective hobbies and luxuries, birthday and any presents to each other.
Every thing else, family, house, bills, cars etc etc comes out of our joint account

Testina · 13/07/2022 17:44

I would not pay this arsehole back a single fucking penny. He offered to pay for it. End of. If that is the end of the marriage, then it’s a marriage that needs to be ended. I wouldn’t even fight with him. Just firmly tell him - I had no budget for this, I told you that, you offered to pay, you pushed me into letting you pay, I don’t owe you money.

Awombaweh · 13/07/2022 17:46

I’d ask John who he thought was paying for it. That way your husband won’t get to pretend he is big great man taking care of his wife. Just a simple ’out of curiousity..’ text.

Awombaweh · 13/07/2022 17:48

You could even tell your husband beforehand that you will let John decide who is right and wrong.

PaperTyger · 13/07/2022 17:50

Why on earth did you have to marry him?

Op I'm sure they are but is your will water tight?

Water tight?

Mymoneydontjigglejiggle · 13/07/2022 17:50

I would have thought the same and would not pay him back. However, if you are going to pay him - I'd call John, explain DH will need a refund as he's come to you demanding the money so must be tight financially this month and ask if you can pay over the next 2-3 months in installments. I'm not saying John will or should agree to this but it will land your DH in it nicely when John calls him to clarify.

WeAreBob · 13/07/2022 17:50

So, you're not really married then? You're not sharing your lives. You'e not witnessing each other's lives. If one of you has a heart attack, you wouldn't know until a few missed phone calls and a few days have passed.

It isn't a marriage. You're dating at best. Why play make believe when you're a grown adult?

Fifteentoes · 13/07/2022 17:53

I can't stand people who play games with money.

If your description is at all accurate, he offered to pay for it. He didn't say anything about it being a loan, and insisted upon paying despite your protestations.

Fuck him. Nobody forced, or even asked, him to pay for it. I wouldn't pay him a penny. If he doesn't like it then maybe he won't act like such a wanker next time.

Testina · 13/07/2022 17:54

You don’t get to decide what a marriage is @WeAreBob

It’s a legal status, is all.
Just because this guy has been an arsehole over this incident doesn’t mean only your definition of marriage counts.

OooErr · 13/07/2022 17:56

Tell him that his mates will hear all about it. And you can pay him £1 a week.

coffeecupsandfairylights · 13/07/2022 17:56

Lindasllama · 13/07/2022 17:10

S*nowyLamb
*
Different hooseholds, different incomes , different expenses. Separate finances .

Based on everything being separate, he should have made it clear it was a loan before he arranged anything with the garage.

I wouldn't pay him back but I also can't imagine being married to someone who was that cheap and picky in the first place.

CallOnMe · 13/07/2022 17:57

Sorry OP but it sounds like he sees this as more of a friendship rather than a relationship.

Any married person who gives their partner money does not expect to be paid back. And definitely doesn’t set up a payment plan.
If I was you I would have offered to pay him back but he shouldn’t have asked.

Do you not regularly borrow money off each other like other married couples?
Have you ever lent him a large sum of money before?

What exactly are you getting out of this relationship?

OooErr · 13/07/2022 17:57

Mymoneydontjigglejiggle · 13/07/2022 17:50

I would have thought the same and would not pay him back. However, if you are going to pay him - I'd call John, explain DH will need a refund as he's come to you demanding the money so must be tight financially this month and ask if you can pay over the next 2-3 months in installments. I'm not saying John will or should agree to this but it will land your DH in it nicely when John calls him to clarify.

OMG yes DO THIS DO THIS.!

HollowTalk · 13/07/2022 17:59

I wouldn't give this cheapskate show off a penny.

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