Should I pick up a crying newborn every time?

[DangerouslyBored]

Currently 6 months pregnant with PFB. Chatting with in laws recently, my MiL said, “you’re not going to be one of those mothers that picks up the baby every time it cries are you?”. I said I hadn’t really thought about it. She said, “you will make a rod for your own back if you do”.

So, I Googled ‘should I pick up my newborn every time they cry?’ and I’m as much in the dark as I was when I started. Seems that there is a ton of contradictory advice / studies on the subject. Can anyone fill me in on the latest advice?

Please PLEASE ignore you mil, that’s a very outdated way of parenting and there is so much evidence that shows responding to your baby every time actually creates a happy and independent baby/child/adult. You are not making a rod for your own back in any way shape or form. Just remember that a baby isn’t even able to recognise that it is a separate being from its mother until around a year. Follow your gut instincts xx

I'm 63 so my kids are late 30s/early 40s. I never once let them cry without picking them up when they were babies. My MIL used to spout that same "making a rod" bollocks

My husband's work colleague says he's exhausted with his newborn because he won't sleep unless he's on his mum's chest. So they take turns to sleep. But she rocks him to sleep and never puts him down. Her choice of course, but I found mine slept better if I put them down awake but sleepy. If they grumble, give them a gentle pat and shush so they know you're present. If they begin to cry, pick them up, cuddle and soothe, try putting them down again.

Yes, you pick them up and don’t listen to the “you’ll make a rod for your own back thing”. If it’s not a problem now then you’ll deal with any future issues when and if they arrive.

I was so worried about spoiling my daughter with breastfeeding and her falling asleep on boob. I was made to worry she’ll never sleep on her own and kept on reading about all the strategies. But cosleeping and her feeding to sleep worked so well for us until she was 2 years old. And then she stopped.

“Her choice of course”…. Or…. And hear me out here…. Her baby is different to yours? Plenty of babies only sleep on their parents, you’ve not cracked parenting where millions of others have failed.

Pick up your baby; otherwise baby will call for help and find it doesn't come... Baby could be hungry, need changing, want a cuddle, be in pain... MiL can mind her own; you do what's comfortable for you and your family. It doesn't sound like she's trying to be helpful, more like trying to be bossy.

Yes. It’s the only way they can communicate with you. It’s your lovely little baby, you won’t want them to cry.

If you were completely reliant on others for your every need to sustain life and your only way to communicate a need was to cry, and the person who is supposed to respond and cater that need in order that you do not eventually die ignored you, you'd get pretty distressed pretty quickly, wouldn't you?
The baby can't rationalise that Mum needs a cup of tea or dad is only in the next room. They just know that they need something and aren't getting it.
So to you'd better believe I picked my baby up, and he's the most content, easy going, sociable 3 year old you'll ever meet so if I made a rod I sadly lost it.

You will know when your baby is crying a tiny bit at a momentary unhappiness, and when baby is distressed. Even if you want to let a baby in distress cry, I doubt you’ll be able to. Mine is all grown up and gone, and even now, when I hear a strangers baby cry in distress, my instincts make me want to comfort the baby. Follow your instincts! And you can’t spoil an infant. Your household will be so much happier when nobody is crying.

If I hear someone else's newborn cry I want to pick it up! (Don't worry, I don't !)

You'll want to. Give in to it.

Pick the baby up every single time.

Its actually bad for babies to cry and be left. it raises their levels of cortisol which is the stress hormone, and that interferes with calm brain development. ignore MIL

I'd recommend doing an NCT course OP. You'll get great advice and a good group of friends all going through the same thing at the same time.

You'll learn current information on caring for your baby and you can ask any questions you need. You can fill MIL in what is recommended in 2022 then.

Pick up your baby. A baby cries because its the only way they can communicate as a newborn. They do it because they need something from you.

Your MILs advice is very 1970s. It's that "tough love" approach. But it's just not appropriate for a baby.

100% ignore your MIL and pick your baby up if they are crying.x

It's also a good idea to start playing games like peek-a-boo early on, as babies can start to develop the concept of object permanence from 4 months old. Hiding your face or objects momentarily as part of a fun game makes babies laugh, and also teaches them that just because they can't see something for a short time, it hasn't disappeared for ever. Once they grasp that, it's much easier to leave the room for a wee or to answer the door or whatever.

Similarly I remember being told that when leaving an older baby (eg at nursery when you go back to work) it's a good idea to always say the same thing, so they learn to associate that remark with the fact that you are leaving but you WILL come back. I used to say "bye bye, love you, see you soon" every time. I expect DS1 didn't know what the words meant exactly, but he knew that the sounds meant I'd be coming back.

Good god pick your baby up and tell MIL to get in the bin

Please tell your MIL or in fact anyone who tells you their 30 year old bullshit advice to shut up. Babies need held, cuddled...every time they cry, and more! Research gentle parenting, for some good advice and evidence of why its important to respond to your child.
Congratulations btw!

Absolutely…newborns cry for a reason.

Yes, you pick them up.

And now is a good time to stop listening to every bit of nonsense the in laws throw at you.

you pick up your newborn, maybe she forgets and is thinking about an older child, when sleep issues come into the mix, but you never ignore a young baby.

Trust me, instincts will take over and you will want to cuddle your baby!

My daughter is two and a half (I'll come back to the newborn thing in a minute). It's rare she cries but when she does I can't get to her quickly enough. Recently her dad was playing with her whilst I was getting dressed upstairs. I heard a bang followed by a cry and I went running downstairs. My partner knows the drill and hands her straight over now because our daughter's cry makes ME cry and all I want to do is cuddle and comfort her. She had a slight bump on her head through play but was fine after clinging to me like a baby koala for a few minutes.

I'm 8 months pregnant now and won't hesitate to pick up our newborn when he cries. As others have said, it's the only way small babies can communicate. They are telling you they need something and it would br cruel to ignore them. I don't get this 'making a rod for your own back' business in terms of cuddling a crying baby. Surely it would be far more damaging to the child physically and emotionally - even potentially long term - to be ignored when upset?

Enjoy the baby cuddles and as a PP said, now is a good time not to listen to too much advice (from MIL or others). It's also fine to pick and choose to act on advice or not. This is not their child and you are the one in control.

I wouldn’t ignore a crying baby on the basis they were trying to manipulate me or something. You aren’t creating a rod when you pay attention to them. When babies cry they’re communicating. But not everything they’re communicating means “I need picking up right this instant”. There are sometimes bigger considerations and you have needs that you have to meet too. Also, sometimes they’re just tired and being picked up is stimulating not restful and doesn’t necessarily help them get to sleep - which is what they need - so better to let them get to sleep than interrupt that process. For the most part you learn over time to distinguish the hungry cries from the tired cries etc. and it gets easier to respond appropriately.

Nowhere did I say my way was better than hers. If she wants to sleep with her baby on her, I'm not arsed. I'm not the one up all night. But I'm saying, the way I did things was with my second, third and fourth children was better than with my first. Not only did I have more experience by then,I had other kids to look after. When I had my fourth baby, my third child was only 1.

Unfortunately, “experience” doesn’t stop a baby from only wanting to sleep on you. It can be your first or your twentieth, but if you’ve got a baby that physically won’t sleep anywhere else then what on earth are you going to do. One of my twins would only sleep on me for a month or so, so I let her. She got walked around the house when I was tending to her older brother or her twin sister. It’s a personal bugbear of mine that some mothers can’t see that their experience may be different.