Should I pick up a crying newborn every time?

[DangerouslyBored]

Currently 6 months pregnant with PFB. Chatting with in laws recently, my MiL said, “you’re not going to be one of those mothers that picks up the baby every time it cries are you?”. I said I hadn’t really thought about it. She said, “you will make a rod for your own back if you do”.

So, I Googled ‘should I pick up my newborn every time they cry?’ and I’m as much in the dark as I was when I started. Seems that there is a ton of contradictory advice / studies on the subject. Can anyone fill me in on the latest advice?

I think it's almost impossible not to anyway. The cry of a newborn does primal things to a new mother! It's really hard to listen to and it makes my boobs leak so I can't imagine being able to just leave her to cry at this stage when I could pick her up and have her close to me.

Read about the 4th trimester and pick up your baby. Don’t listen to your MIL. They are tiny for so short a time, it’s no hardship to give them what they need. Don’t try any of that controlled crying rubbish on your newborn!

On the whole I would say you pick them up but if you need the loo, need to finish your sandwich etc they will be fine for a few minutes. Don't completely neglect your own needs or you will be no use to your baby. It's also okay to pat and shush when they are in their cot to see if you can calm them that way. An obviously distressed baby needs picked.

Good points there @Sarahcoggles and @ChickenBurgers

Yes.

I always picked my eldest up and basically carried him everywhere for 18 months.

He’s never been left to cry. He is now super confident and runs into nursery - can’t get him out!. Perfectly secure child.

In fact, if you don’t pick them up they can develop attachment issues and become more clingy

a newborn baby has no freaking clue what’s going on. It’s crying because it’s vulnerable, can barely see, and only knows that the big warm comfort of its carer is not there and is not coming back. A newborn has no concept of “mum coming back”, it only knows “mum is here, all is ok” and “mum is gone, the world is terrifying”.

once baby is a few months and can clearly see you are in the room but are just peeing, washing your hands or quickly shovelling cold toast in your mouth, then that’s a bit different.

you can’t spoil a newborn with cuddles, they need to be near to you.💕

I had no choice. I physically couldn't not pick her up if she cried. It was instinctual. She's 7 now and is one of the most secure kids I know. I'm now pregnant with my second and will just be following my instincts again.

I wouldn’t let a crying baby put me off doing the basics like going to the loo or getting a drink if that’s what she meant. Your basic needs matter too and a baby will be ok if they fuss for a minute.

Both mine would also whinge a bit before going off to sleep, and would occasionally have a middle of the night whinge before going back off to sleep. I generally left them for max 1 minute to see if they calmed down or escalated. If they kicked it up a gear then of course I would pick them up but more often than not they went back to sleep themselves so if I’d jumped to every cry it definitely would have made everyone’s life harder.

Follow YOUR instincts and not MIL’s and you’ll be fine.

Yes! But it's also not the end of the world if they cry for 30 secs while you have a quick wee.

My MIL told me that when DDs were teething I should just rub a little bit of whisky on their gums. I ignored her too 😉

Separately, also strongly agree with @ChickenBurgers @Sarahcoggles

I'm just dropping in my predictions for the other stuff I'm guessing she will say in baby's first year

• (3 months old) he is hungry - you should put some baby rice in his bottle
• (6 months) he will choke if you give him that (baby led weaning - he wont)
• (4 month sleep regression) - mine was sleeping through the night at this point (yes Sandra, because you ignored his cries)
• (12 months) - mine were potty trained by now
• (2 weeks old) - don't let your marriage suffer, let me take my baby overnight
• (9 months old) - you need to turn his carseat around now he is a big boy he wants to see out the window

It's going to be fun

Also this, it’s okay to jump in the shower quickly and if they cry, they cry. You just get good at speedy showers! But I agree basic self-care is very important still.

Yes of course you pick your baby up every time they cry.

if you’re baby cries simply because they want a cuddle, why would you not pick them up and deny them closeness, security and love.

they cry for a reason and if responding to them ‘makes a rod for your own back’, then I would consider you a good parent.

You will get to know their cries and when they are few months old you will be getting into a good routine, I would say sometimes you will hear them cry a little bit in their sleep but then settle themselves quite quickly, so it’s not leaving them to cry just don’t be too quick to disturb them. Especially if they thumb suck they are likely to self soothe if they wake, if they have a dummy obviously you will need to assist 😄

Sorry, I forgot to add the above. Of course you will need to look after yourself as well and at times it is impossible to pick them up but on the whole I would encourage responsive parenting.

Yes. If you have a crying newborn not in arms, pick them up.

But why wouldn't you be holding them in the first place? That's what they expect.

You could just troll her and purposefully put the baby in a sling on you for 100% of the time she is around

Yes of course you pick them up. It doesn't bode well if she's already interfering!

Yes pick them up or find someone they like the smell off - who isn't your MIL - to pick them up.

Wear a baby sling that'll shock her.

I foresee issues with this MIL.

Yes you should pick them up generally but its ok to leave it a few minutes if you need to wee/drink water etc.

Just wait until they are here and do what comes naturally, you'll be fine. I had a lot of questions like this before my first was born - how will I know what they want, how will I know if they have drunk enough milk, how will I soothe them if they cry. It seems confusing but once they are actually here, it was fine and it was just obvious what to do.

As for what mil said, maybe a middle ground is best. I didn't leave my babies to cry, of course not. On the other hand if it took a few minutes to get to them because I was in the toilet, with the toddler, driving, etc, I didn't stress over it.

Have you time to move far, far away from her?

It will be instinctive when your baby comes. You'll naturally pick them up.