Should I pick up a crying newborn every time?

[DangerouslyBored]

Currently 6 months pregnant with PFB. Chatting with in laws recently, my MiL said, “you’re not going to be one of those mothers that picks up the baby every time it cries are you?”. I said I hadn’t really thought about it. She said, “you will make a rod for your own back if you do”.

So, I Googled ‘should I pick up my newborn every time they cry?’ and I’m as much in the dark as I was when I started. Seems that there is a ton of contradictory advice / studies on the subject. Can anyone fill me in on the latest advice?

Yes a tiny creature who's just spent 9 months inside another creature, accustomed to almost constant movement, constant background noise, heartbeat, warmth etc and who has no way of communicating other than crying ... should definitely be left to cry and not given any human contact.

Your mil is going to be fun, fun, fun over the next few years. You're going to gave to find techniques to deal with her.

Yes I would pick up a crying baby every time, there is obviously a reason why they do it and they have no other means to communicate their needs to you.

Look mil square in the eyes and tell her as you have awaited 9 months for your dc to get here you will be picking it up as much as you want to.

And your name is on that bc remember not her.... So you can cuddle your baby as much as you bloody want to.
Ask her was she one of those dm's who left their baby in a pram outside a shop or in the garden for naps at set times.

Tell her parenting has evolved and it's a shame she hasn't..

You get to know your baby's cries.

Generally go to them, but there is a middle ground between leaving them in the pram in the garden to cry it out and neglecting your own needs (toilet, shower, cleaning teeth, food, drink).

A minute or two to get shampoo out of your hair, go to the toilet etc will not damage a baby and babies with older siblings often can't be attended to immediately, especially if sibling is at the hazardous toddler stage. Some mums get too anxious and fixated on getting to baby immediately everytime and that can be detrimental to them and that has its own drawbacks to baby.

Look after baby's needs and balance yours too.

100% pick your baby up!

A newborn has just spent 9 months inside you. Their comfort, warmth and food comes from you. They already know the sound of your voice by the time they are born.

Every shred if your mind, body and heart will drive you to pick up your crying newborn.

Have confidence in your instincts, not your MIL.

Plenty of time when they are older to get them into more of a routine with feeding and sleeping.

Follow your instincts and what works for you.

Practice your serene smile with "this is what works for us" whenever anyone sticks their oar in.

Newborn? Absofuckinglutely

ah yes my MIL is one of these!
Don't forget:

(3 months old) why isn't he sitting up, all mine could sit up by now
(3.5 months old) why isn't he crawling, all mine could crawl by now
(6 months old) why isn't he walking, all mine walked by now
(9 months old) why isn't he talking, all mine could say 300 words by now

OP, yes always pick them up. You can't cuddle a newborn too much, they have spent 9 months inside you and just want to be close to you

Your MILs view is very outdated and bollocks

Oh, and parenting is great but it's basically a whole series of rods for your back.

Of course you should pick a baby up when it cries.

I had my babies in the early 80s. I didn't listen to all this 'leave them to cry, rod for your own back' bollocks.

Babies aren't lying there plotting their next move and how to exploit you, they need you to be there when they cry.

When my babies cried I picked them up. Having said that, I also entirely breast fed them, which very few people did at the time.

I didn't listen to a lot of what other people said tbh, just did what seemed best for my babies.

Yes! You pick your baby up and do whatever they need whenever they need it. They are tiny and vulnerable and need you.
MILs generation were taught that babies are born evil little manipulators, that they don't need anything, they just want to trick you into doing everything for them. Feed them on a schedule, not when they're hungry, leave them in their cot, don't spoil them with cuddles.

give your child all the love and cuddles they need whenever they need it.

I’ve never left my baby to cry. She is now an 8 month old and very happy. Hardly ever cries and I think it is because she feels very safe and content and trusts I will come back for her. Personally I would not be able to stand leaving her to cry. Why purposefully allow your baby who only wants love and comfort to feel sad!! tell your MIL everyone parents their children differently and you do what feels right for you !

Omfg the "choking " MIL nearly made DS choke so many time by hitting his back when he was trying to bloody eat. And the constant "Oh he's got a big bit!" Yes he has, he's fine.

At the end of the day you're going to get so much "advice" blank it out, you are mum, do what you feel your baby needs.

I would leave a baby grumble a bit while they settled in their crib but never full on cry, that's cruel

I can add more to Bernadette’s list:

Does he really need to be in a car seat for such a quick journey?

We used to dip dummies in orange squash.

What’s wrong with warming a bottle in the microwave?

OP, brace yourself.

Yes, you’re fine to leave baby a minute or two to nip to the loo. Yes, they can grunt and whinge at times - don’t do what I did and pick them up at 4 am when they’re not actually crying, just pat and shush. But if they’re crying and you’re not in the loo etc pick them up.

Scientists have researched this and confirmed that your baby literally doesn't have the cognition to understand the result of their cries. In other words they cry because something is wrong and they need you, but have no way to know the effect. You can not spoil a baby with attention. I'm FTM to 3 month old and I've done a lot of reading and anyone who suggests I just ignore my baby or that babies just crying is normal gets an education from me. I also challenge "colicky" babies - again there is something very wrong if your baby is crying for hours and can't be soothed. I think often it is digestive issues. With mine it was cows milk allergy and ive cut dairy from my diet. I've not found any formulas that agree with her so exclusively breastfeeding and a amino acid formula for emergencies. You can have plans but your baby is an individual and will come with their own challenges. I think best advice is to try to be intuitive to your baby, this is natural l, do what you think they need and learn from them.

You should pick up your baby when they cry, but I often read on here of mothers at their wits end, unable to have a shower or even a wee, because of an unsettled baby, so you need to be aware of your own needs too, and it is sometimes inevitable that the baby is left to cry for 3 minutes, while you finish a task or eat something etc.

Pick your baby up, 100%! You don't create a rod for your own back, you create a secure attachment with your baby who is teeny tiny and needs you.

Google the 4th trimester, anything else is quite frankly abusive

@Thursday37 lets not be overdramatic here.

DC3 spent a while in neonatal. We aren't abusive for not being able to baby wear, have constant skin to skin and feed on demand (DC3 had a NG tube until they were 1)

Of course I agree that you don't actively chose to leave your newborn to cry but I wouldn't get too bent out of shape if you can't pick them up that very moment.

Also you may get a crier - DC2 was one - I'd never have got anything done if she'd been picked the moment she cried.

However your MIL sounds like she is going to be way more of issue than a crying newborn ever will be!

This

Without having read the thread I would say yes, if you feel like you can and it's proper crying.

New born yes. As they get a little older you get to know each other then you will hear the different cries and then other methods can be tried out, such as putting your hand on them and having a little chat or playing peek-a-boo may console them.

However, if you happen to be on the loo, pouring hot water etc then take the time needed so you don't scald or trip yourself up - bitter experience.....😹. A little cry for a couple of moments won't harm them.

"Does he really need to be in a car seat for such a quick journey?"

@Maray1967 my MILs version was "princess Diana carried her babies home from the hospital on her lap in the car, she didn't need a car seat"

Yes. In fact get a nice sling (either a ring sling, wrap or ergo style soft carrier, not a baby bjorn type thing) and just keep them close to you all the time. It makes life so much easier.

It might also be worth prepping some ground rules with your MIL in advance. The first one is no unsolicited advice, unless you ask her what to do, she needs to keep her (likely outdated and unhelpful) suggestions to herself. I may be judging her harshly based on the single comment she's made but there's a real possibility she'll undermine breastfeeding by banging on about schedules, needing a bottle to help dad bond, needing a bottle to top up cos your milk isn't enough, getting baby to sleep in a cot alone in their own room, suggesting a dummy when your baby is fussy and comfort nursing, solids at 12/16 weeks to help baby sleep through, sleep training in general and so on.

Urgh my MIL was one of these OP - like others on this thread, I was told my DD would 'rule the roost' if I went straight to her every time she cried. After having her 6 weeks early and being separated from her for her 1st week of life in the neonatal unit, like hell was I going to let her sit and cry!

It's a bit of a red flag that these comments are coming before you've even given birth; I'd make sure to put some firm boundaries in if you can...