Should I pick up a crying newborn every time?

[DangerouslyBored]

Currently 6 months pregnant with PFB. Chatting with in laws recently, my MiL said, “you’re not going to be one of those mothers that picks up the baby every time it cries are you?”. I said I hadn’t really thought about it. She said, “you will make a rod for your own back if you do”.

So, I Googled ‘should I pick up my newborn every time they cry?’ and I’m as much in the dark as I was when I started. Seems that there is a ton of contradictory advice / studies on the subject. Can anyone fill me in on the latest advice?

I agree newborns are not manipulative and should be looked after when they cry. But also remember crying doesn't hurt them, so if you're grabbing a much needed cuppa, they can wait the 60 seconds needed until you have made it. Or been to the loo. Or eaten a sandwich.

Princess Diana isn't the example I'd use in that situation!!

Newborn yes absolutely. After a couple months you will be able to distinguish the cries from 'I'm hungry' 'I'm uncomfortable (wet/dirty nappy; clothes are twisted whatever)' 'I'm bored' 'I'm tired' 'I've dropped my toy'. All are legitimate reasons to go to your baby and try and resolve the problem, which doesn't always mean picking them up.
Basically I picked/tended to my baby unless I had just put baby down for a nap/nighttime and they were just fussing as they transitioned to sleep. I'd wait a minute or two and if still crying would go check and try soothing voice and stroking and tried not to pick up.
Babies aren't devious manipulative beings, but small children can be!

1 Yes you pick up a tiny baby when they cry.
2 You are going to have to be very very straight with your MiL right from the beginning. Practise choice phrases ( my baby my rules, that doesn't work for me) Do not let her push you around.
3 Do not ask her to babysit. She sounds like the sort to start weaning with ice cream, giving little sips of coke and rubbing whisky on sore gums...

@DangerouslyBored

Honestly ? Having been around for rather a long time, I can honestly tell you to ignore everyone who has replied anything other than 'Do what YOU feel is right for YOU and your baby'.

Half the posters will try to accuse you of 'neglect' or 'abuse' if you don't agree to pick up your baby every single time they cry, immediately.

the other half will say what your MIL did, 'you'll make a rod for your own back' if you DO pick the baby up.

Ultimately, the 'fashions' in childcare methods change every few years, and I believe 'gentle parenting' is the current 'fashion', just as 'Dr Spock' or 'hands off' of the 1980's or the 'hands on' of the 2010's were the 'fashion' previously.

It doesn't matter what method/style you either 'choose' or 'fall into' naturally, as you will be your own parent(s). You will be influenced by your upbringing as much as you will by your peers and by learning what feels 'natural' to you.

So ignore what others say, and choose to be the parent YOU want to be, and simply ask your relatives to respect your choices as parents.

She is a quack who misquotes and cherry picks research, especially on sleep. She removed the fact she is a homeopath from her website as well.

Pick them up ! Babies don’t play mind games if they cry they need you . I have 4 adult children and 1 grandchild so not young ! Ignore mil cuddle and comfort your child when they need you that way they grow up confident in your love . Good luck you will be a great mum

Pick your baby up and fuck the fucking fuckers!

'Crying doesn't hurt them'

Actually persistent crying causes cortisol release which literally impacts brain development. You can drink a cuppa and eat one handed, or with baby on your lap. A 20 second whinge is one thing, but most other cries need to be responded to.

I've noticed a new trend on insta/tiktok from 'sleep trainers' talking about "active sleep" in newborns. They then lost early feeding cues like arm waving, tongue moving in and out of mouth, wriggling, grumbling, and say to just wait to see if baby 'wakes up properly' or if they'll settle with a pat or shush. Christ on a bike it's no wonder our breastfeeding rates are so low.

Yes you should. It's your babies only method of communication. All you teach a baby by ignoring it is that no one responds to its needs.

Mine spent most of their first three months in a sling being carried around by me and ended up confident and independent. They cry because they need something.

Me and DH picked up our son constantly never let him cry, and he was a right whiny baby. Anyway, he is a really bossy toddler, always bossing me and wants attention all the time. And he knows that whatever we love him, we’re here for him he’s really well adjusted and we adore him. Ds number 2 is such a good baby, if I only
picked him up when he cried I would
hardly hold him!

Another vote for what everyone else says.

Right OP the best advice I can give you for baby care, which worked really fantastically for me, is FOLLOW YOUR INSTINCTS. Step away from the internet and the baby advice books, ignore other parents trying to make you validate what they did - you already have all the knowledge you need to look after your baby brilliantly. It really is as simple as follow your instincts.

(Of course pick up your baby if it cries.)

My child is older now and I’ve had the opportunity to notice how the children of those “ignore the baby’s cry, don’t be a helicopter parent, you’re making a rod for your own back” mums turn out. These are the toddlers who bite. These are the teens that shout at their mums and lie and get into trouble. My child was extra work as a baby and getting up for zillionth time a night sure sucked, but she is also kind and gentle and wonderful (teachers adore her!) we are so so close. I’m really glad I ignored much of the advice I was given. The people who gave it to me have mean teens.

That’s unanimous then. Pick up the baby!

Thanks, everyone. I really do need to get some boundaries in place before the baby arrives 😬

If I had a pound for everytime someone told me my baby was manipulating me, was making a rod for my own back, was a push over blah blah blah I’d be bloody rich.

My DD didn’t want put down for the first few months and wanted breastfed almost constantly. All I heard from older relatives was how silly I was being.

My DD eventually grew out of it. She is now 2 and is such an independent little soul. I always put it down to the fact I was there when she needed me and she secure in the knowledge i always will be there, so she feels confident to go off without me.

listen to your instincts. You’ll know when your baby needs picked up and when it’s ok to leave them for a few mins to go to the loo or grab a quick bite xx

Your MIL is talking rubbish. You can’t spoil a baby with love, fgs.

And congratulations, OP. Wishing you every happiness when your baby comes.

Absolutely pick the baby up when they cry. Your MIL's attitude was old fashioned even when my mum was a new mum back in the 80s.

As for will you "create a rod for your own back", I had my baby at the start of the first lockdown and - since we had literally nowhere to go and nothing else to do and DH was at home too - we were able to keep her in our arms or a sling almost constantly throughout the day and if she was in her cot and started crying, she never cried for more than about 30 seconds before we were able to get to her*. She is now one of the happiest and most confident toddlers I have ever met. I certainly do not regret one single second of cuddling her, and I do not for one moment wish I had spent less time cuddling her and more time scrubbing floors on my hands and knees whilst listening to her cry, as my grandmothers suggested my mum should have done when I was a baby!

(*obvs in non-lockdown times that extreme might not be attainable but I'm just saying, IMO it shows it's not a bad thing to cuddle your baby).

We know so much more about child development nowadays, and we know that newborn babies NEED physical comfort and affection. And of course they need reassurance, they are teeny tiny little things, why would it be bad to deprive them of their mum? Back in my grandmothers' day the doctors used to tell them babies needed to cry to "exercise their lungs" whereas we now know that's bullsh*t. Before the 20th century in Britain, and in other parts of the world even today, most babies were/are carried by their mothers constantly in a sling.

Of course if you get a baby who won't stop crying and you're worried for your own mental health then you'll need to put them down sometimes while they cry, and when they're older you might want to look into sleep training methods, when they're at an age where they understand a bit more and won't feel like they've been left to die if you don't come straight away, but those are slightly different issues.

Yes - pick your baby up. The more interaction you have, the more you will get to know what your baby is crying about. It works out better in the end.

Absolutely. It's their way of communicating.
Babies give us lots of cues when they need something and it's up to us to notice them. Crying is certainly one, and I wouldn't ignore it.

I'd ignore advice like that. You're not 'creating a rod for your own back' - you're listening to your baby.

Of course you should. The rod for your own back approach is antiquated and out of date.

I recommend just getting a stock phrase in place. Something along the lines of 'thank you, but advice is rather different these days'. Or 'thank you, but I'm going to do what feels right for me'.

Good luck!

Your body and instincts tell you to pick your child up for a reason. Your MIL is stuck in the 60s.

Yes yes yes yes yes yes ! Always 😊

Thank you!